the girl with the fire tattoo

Unless they pay attention and then they’ll see how I’m slightly off kilter. I take longer lunch breaks. I tend to deal with these episodes by walking a lot.

I walked a lot today. I walked for four hours in Megamall and Shangri La Plaza. It’s in the middle of scorching hot summer, so walking inside malls has become my thing.

I had a thought earlier. Maybe I look back because I miss the versions of myself I let go one by one over the years. And these are versions of myself anchored on the people I once loved. Maybe it’s not people I miss — it’s me.

I wake up, run through my to-do list in my head

And every time it is followed by

What the hell for?

The priority is to survive.

I take my multi-vitamin, my Ester-C.

I say my prayers.

Dear God please give us your shield of protection.

Spare me and my family. My loved ones and friends.

It feels like a lottery now, who gets it and who doesn’t.

Who dies, who survives.

Is it weird that the one thing I really pray for lately is luck?

Please make us lucky and allow us to survive.

I drive to work and I pretend to care.

Pretend that work still matters aside from the means to pay the bills.

What still matters?

Covid has pared down our lives to its quintessential form.

We know that health is the most important thing above all. We suspected it before but now we know it with absolute certainty.

I’ve never felt more fragile, more mortal in my life.

We also know that kindness transcends distance.

And kindness matters more than how much money you have or how big your house is.

In this dark world, it’s the kind people that hold the beacons of light guiding the rest of us.

Our small annoyances and grievances forgotten, we put more importance in our relationships.

These days every person I talk to I always think I might lose. And that makes me gentler, more loving, more expressive of what I feel.

My caustic side gone, I have softened in ways I didn’t think possible.

So I turned off my snooze button and just gave in. I decided to blow off work and stay in. I can’t give it a name. This feeling that has me in its grips maybe 5 times in a month when I could do nothing but succumb to its overwhelming power over my mind and emotions.

When it strikes, I don’t want to deal with people. I don’t want to be around them. I just want to stay glued to my couch and watch tv. That is all the activity it allows me to do. Sometimes I’d try to open a book or paint. But nothing compares to the satisfaction of just staring all day at the hypnotic visuals of the TV screen, getting lost in whatever world of whatever film or series I’m watching.

I want you OUT OF MY HEART.

I keep imagining slapping your face hard

then kissing your mouth fiercely until it bled

I want to ram my body into you.

Scream into your face.

Rip your clothes off.

Leave bite marks on the most fragile places of your skin.

I HATE THAT I CANNOT EVEN TOUCH YOU.

And that I cannot do anything to remove you

from inside my brain where you poison my ordinary thoughts

with thoughts of rebellion.

from inside my heart where you seem to have overstayed your welcome

by 11 years.

get out, please.