#dealingwithdementia

For several reasons: 

1. Silvermere, Guildford was too expensive for what it was. Whilst it looks polished on the outside, the care for dementia residents isn't adequate. They need more care and a more personal touch. 

2. I need to start the clear out of the house. It's as though squatters have lived in and in order to sell, it has to be spruced up a bit. If I'm there, I could also have mum around as she knows and misses the place. 

We've been trying to broach the subject of my sister moving to London and the fact mum can't stay at home. We're organising a temporary respite at one care home that is going to be a 'hotel' (it helps it looks very much like a 5 star one) before moving in a couple of weeks to our preferred care home. 

It's all getting rather confusing and we've had some rather frustrating conversations with many repeated questions, tears and anxious pacing. 

I feel guilty. My sister's put her life on hold, is resentful towards mum, holed up like a prisoner at home and I'm pretty sure of it, suffering from depression. Whereas I've escaped - I've moved to London, I touch base everyday but I'm relatively free from all the issues that she's dealing with on a day to day basis. 

She's not getting any sleep at the moment - apparently mum won't sleep, wanders around, comes into her room, wakes her up and tries to leave the house. 

The other day, my mum confused her for her sister and asked where her daughter was. 

Mum was brought home early this morning by a friendly policeman. She had gone for a walk to Sainsbury's (a good 20 minutes away), and somewhere en route (going or coming, I'm not too sure), had, in her words, 'become a little confused' and lost her way. 

Thank goodness for that policeman. 

I really hate that my sister carries so much of the burden of mum. I'm the elder one, it really should be me. Due to this, I feel so guilty. It's not mum's fault she's got dementia and it shouldn't be left to my sister to be her carer. I can't wait for us to finally decide on the best care home. 

I got a message via WeChat. My sister had gone home and rung the doorbell (having forgotten her keys). No answer. Maybe mum had gone out, but where would she have gone to? In the end, my sister smashed in the back door window. No mum. 

Making the decision to put someone, anyone, in a care home is horrible. It leaves you feeling wracked with guilt, somehow as though you've 'failed' them. For us, it is by far the best decision - we're finding it hard to deal with mum, my sister can't live with her forever and she's lonely. A care home will provide all the company mum longs for, allow us to feel at peace with ourselves and enjoy the quality time we have together. 

My sister and I are bored of seeing care homes now. Some are depressing, a few are terrible and what's worse is meeting people you wouldn't leave in charge of your cat, let alone someone you cared for deeply. 

We've defined what's important for us to look out for - hopefully this may help any of you looking for a suitable care home. 

Smell - if it smells like wee, then get out. Even worse, if it smells overpoweringly of bleach or another scent to mask the smell of stale urine. Whilst accidents may occur, these should be cleared up immediately and stale urine smells suggests that residents may have been in their soiled clothing too long. 

Gut feel - if it don't feel right, then that's it, cross it off your list. It may be the best on paper, but gut feeling counts for a lot. 

The Manager's thoughts - What do the people in charge think of the residents? Are they empathetic, kind? The manager of a large care home in Surrey described her residents as 'doolally'. She can fuck right off. 

The Residents reactions - It's a bad sign if residents shy away from the staff or cringe when they come near. 

Enjoyment - Do the staff look happy? Are they working there because they enjoy their job or is it just for the money? I would want staff to really care about their job - after all, they're looking after vulnerable people. 

Homeliness - Does the care home feel homely? How much scope does the care home allow for decorating their room? Are there images on the wall that people can relate to? Or are they just 'custom painted', company-bought, neutral paintings?

Empty Beds - With people living longer and the increase in dementia, think twice if there are lots of empty beds. Successful, happy care homes are normally full. 

Rules - One care home we visited was a bit like prison; no visiting after 8pm, no own furniture in rooms, no disturbing meal times, no taking residents out the building after a certain time. The list went on. 

Viewpoint - See beyond all the shininess, great long list of activities and the 24 hour snack bar. What would your loved one see. How would they view it? Remember what's important to you, may not be important to them.