Hello deary! 

Congrats on being two years (or nearly) clean!! 

It’s a tough thing to deal with. We want to share ourselves with others but we’re always afraid of being rejected, judged, or looked down upon and it definitely didn’t help that the last person you confided in turned out to be not so great. However, it also doesn’t guarantee that other people you confide in will be the same. It makes things harder but it also make you a little more cautious as well as guarded. I think what you need right now is to confide in someone you trust completely first. You don’t have to reveal it in details but if you start talking about having flashbacks to something traumatic and you need someone to be there with you, that can help as well. 

Whenever I get sad I really don’t want to talk about my depression or suicidal tendencies. I just need someone to be there and remind me that i’m not alone and that everything is going to be okay. We need to be reminded of the obvious in times like that because we don’t believe it anymore. So having someone there to do that for you is going to be incredibly great for you. After that you can begin to open yourself up to them little by little. Figure out what you want to tell them and giving them your trust. Does it mean that they won’t turn their back on you? No. Does it mean that they will? No. We can never truly know what anyone is going to do but like my professor say. “no one is out to be an asshole.” That’s why we must give everyone the benefit of the doubt until proven differently and it should be for everyone. 

I also suggest that you speak about this with a professional who can help you deal with the trauma a lot better. Talking about with a friend is great and all but depending on the severity of what happened and the circumstances of it, if you don’t properly deal with the problem at hand you may never be okay with what happened. For me, it was the resentment that my mom always cared about my sister more. It fuelled my self-hatred for a long time because I never felt like I was good enough and I never wanted to talk about it because if I did it would mean that it was true. So when my therapist really asked me if I actually hate my parents, it made me think. It made me realise that I didn’t hate them. I only hated how they made me feel. And honestly, realising that has lifted six hundred tons off my chest. I can get along better with my parents. We still have glitches but we’re more peaceful than before and I’m not as triggered by them anymore. 

So I think it’s important that you talk to someone about what actually happened when you were a child and what you did to overcome or if you overcame it at all. There are people who just shove those memories away and move on but it will always haunt them later. I don’t want you to be haunted by these flashbacks forever so please do talk about it with someone.  

Here are some helpful coping techniques for dealing with flashbacks when alone:

Memory Games

One of the easiest ways to cope or manage a flashback is by distraction. Try to remember something challenging such as the lyrics to a particular song, or a favourite poem. This can help interrupt the flashback by redirecting the activity in your brain. For some reason, memory games work well when I am having flashbacks that involved my hearing and balance. Some of the more effective memory games I have used are: humming songs or remembering the lyrics to songs & naming facts I learned in school.

Ice Cube

This has been my most important tool in dealing with physically oriented flashbacks. The technique was actually taught to me by a Viet Nam Veteran who said he used it for every single flashback, adding “usually it helps, but sometimes it can’t.” I have found it to be effective to some degree almost every time I have tried it. The idea is simple, take a fairly large ice cube and hold it tight in one of your hands throughout the flashback. The cold feeling keeps that part of you grounded to some degree and the physical sensation gives you something solid to focus on besides the memory you are reliving. It is important to hold the ice cube fairly tight and in the same hand for the duration of the flashback. I experimented with switching hands and holding it lightly and the technique lost much of its effectiveness.

Wall Spotting

This technique involves selecting 4 or 5 brightly coloured items in the room that are easily within vision and moving your focus between them. Make sure to vary the order and allow yourself to lock onto the items briefly before shifting to the next item. Keep this up throughout the flashback and continue for a short time afterwards. Following the same pattern can actually cause you to become more involved in the flashback because your mind becomes used to the pattern and builds on it. By varying the pattern, you disrupt the thought processes involved in the flashback. I suggest continuing the eye movements for a while after the flashback ends to allow yourself to get more focused on the present since I use this technique mostly for flashbacks with a visual element.

Cold Water on Your Face

This one is simple and can help with any type of flashback. This idea is one of the first ones any of us find that helps. Remember that it can continue to help. Try and use water cold enough to give yourself a good shock. There is a bit more evidence on why this works, it is called the “Mammalian Diving Reflex” or simply the “Diving Reflex” and relies on the fact that our bodies want to survive. Sudden immersion in very cold water (below 70 degrees) triggers the Diving Reflex. The body reacts by lowering the heart rate, increasing blood pressure, and shutting down circulation to all but the body’s core. The result is a lowered metabolism that conserves energy, which helps cold water survival. This is also why near-drowning victims in cold water have a much higher survival rate. The effect on a flashback is fairly drastic. In short, the brain is shocked and interrupts the flashback to survive what may be a life-threatening immersion in freezing water. For this reason, make sure you use the coldest water available and use a good amount of it.

Source: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/component/content/article/104?start=1

FLASHBACKS

Flashbacks - What are they? Many of those who are survivors of any form of sexual violence experience flashbacks at one time or another. Flashbacks are temporary states of remembering something painful or traumatic which has been hidden for quite some time in the subconscious mind and during a flashback, you may feel as though aspects of the rape or sexual assault are actually happening to you now. The duration of a flashback differs and could last from a few seconds to a few hours. When do flashbacks occur? Flashbacks can occur at unpredictable and unexpected times. They can be triggered by anything that serves as a reminder of the rape or assault or the perpetrator, for example they can occur if you’re feeling any of the following:

Low or vulnerable

Helpless or powerless

Exhausted or tired

Sad or tearful

Angry or resentful

Embarrassed or ashamed

Anxious or worried

Trapped or hounded

Sexual or intimate

Happy or excited

Calm or relaxed

As this list shows, flashbacks can occur regardless of how you are feeling. The list is not intended to be exhaustive as there are so many ways you could be feeling when a flashback occurs. Many people have cited the following example as a trigger for flashbacks: Someone who’s physical appearance reminds you of the perpetrator, including:

Mannerisms

Facial features

Behaviour

Voice

Clothes

Smell

Touch

Flashbacks can be triggered at any time and can happen anywhere e.g. you could be watching a programme on T.V. or reading a magazine or out at the theatre or out for a meal etc. when a flashback occurs.

Do flashbacks differ in any way? 

Yes, flashbacks can be experienced in many forms and combinations which include some or all of the following: Visual flashbacks: This is like watching a film or slideshow of the original rape or assault. You may experience this as happening inside your head or you may experience this as happening outside of you and involving other people. This might be likely to happen if people around you remind you of the rape/assault or the perpetrator by doing or saying similar things. You may find yourself watching and/or re-experiencing all of the rape/assault scene or tiny fragments of it. The images you see could be clear or distorted and you may see the same picture from different angles at different times. For example, you may see a picture of the perpetrator coming towards you, or grabbing you and you may then re-experience the feelings you had when you were raped or assaulted; or you may see the perpetrator and yourself in the same picture, so you are watching the picture from an observers perspective and you may feel cut off from any feeling. Auditory flashbacks: This is described as hearing conversations or sounds which are associated with the rape/assault. You might experience these sounds as being inside your head or outside of you i.e. in the same room. These sounds could be clear or distorted and may sound near or far away. Sensory flashbacks: This is described as feeling bodily sensations associated with the rape/assault. This type of flashback could manifest in the following ways:

You may feel as if you are being touched on any part of     your body when in reality, there is no one there. This could range from     feeling someone touch your arm to feeling as though someone is lying on     top of you.

Depending on the severity of this experience, you may     feel anxious, frightened, confused or that you are going mad, particularly     if you do not understand what is happening to you, or if you try to     consciously stop it happening and are unable to.

During this type of flashback you may re-experience the     physical sensations and/or pain that you felt when being raped or     assaulted.

These sensations could be experienced as happening     anywhere on, or inside of your body.

This type of flashback can also include strong,     overwhelming sensations of taste and/or smell.

How can I help myself during and after flashbacks? If you have experienced one or more flashbacks, you may be feeling frightened, confused, disorientated, and/or overwhelmed.Theses feelings are understandable and they are normal reactions to what can be a terrifying experience. You are not going mad or crazy; you are remembering experiences, feelings, thoughts and images, which were too frightening or impossible to deal with at the time that they occurred. There are no specific reactions to a flashback. Every reaction to a flashback is an individual response, usually based on the ways in which you coped with the rape or assault. For example:

You may experience a flashback and feel very numb; you     may have shut your feelings down and may watch the rape or assault scene     as though it were happening to someone else.

You may feel nauseous, as if you are going to be     physically sick, or you may actually vomit.

You may feel absolute terror, as if you are going to     die.

You may experience panic attacks and feel totally out     of control.

 Although they can feel very frightening, flashbacks are actually a good sign that you are unearthing the buried trauma and that you are on your way to recovery. It is important that you reassure yourself with the knowledge that this is a temporary state, it will not last forever and through time, the flashback will reduce in frequency and intensity. You may find yourself trying to avoid all potential triggers for these memories. This is not possible as there are so many situations that could trigger memories. While it is not possible to control the nature and strength of the flashbacks, you can do a lot of things to help lessen the power and impact that they have on your life. Take yourself to a safe place This may be in your home, curled up on the settee with a warm quilt around you, or in the bath, or in your favourite chair, or at a good friends house. Go wherever you need to go, in order to feel safe and where you know you will be safe. If you are not able to go to a safe place at the time of the flashback, remind yourself that what you have experienced is a memory, take several deep breaths and promise yourself that as soon as you can, you will take time out to explore the flashback in more detail. Don't fight the flashback Although this may feel difficult, try to breathe deeply and let the memory surface. Using alcohol, solvents, drugs, food and/or self-injury etc. to bury the feelings from a flashback can actually add to and prolong the trauma of recovering buried memories. It can be hard to change these familiar coping mechanisms and old habits die hard, however it will be very helpful to you in the long run if you can manage to avoid coping with flashbacks in this way. If you try to ignore or push away emerging memories they are likely to feel stronger and more powerful as they fight for recognition. Ground yourself Remind yourself of the day, date, time etc. Look at your surroundings, where you are right now. Remind yourself of how old you are, where you live etc. Try to let part of yourself stay in the present while, at the same time allowing yourself to remember your past. Remind yourself that this is a memory This is a memory of something that has already happened to you and you have survived it. Reassure yourself that you are not being hurt in the present, even though you may feel as though it is happening now. It is important that you keep on reminding yourself that you have come through this experience and that you are now on the road to recovery. Give yourself space and time to recover  Reliving memories can be a painful and exhausting experience. It may take several hours or days for you to feel okay again. If you need to rest, sleep, cry or be angry, give yourself permission to do so. Don’t jump up and try to do something else straight away. Write about your memory If you feel able to, write down what you remember from the flashback. This can help to ‘get it out’ of your mind by putting it on paper. This can also be used as a diary or journal of your recovery. Useful things to write about may be:

What you remembered

Sounds

Pictures

Sensations

Smells

How you felt at the time

How you feel now

Comfort yourself

After having one or more flashbacks, you may feel vulnerable and low. This is the time to give yourself a reward or treat for all of your hard work. It will be helpful if you can do something that makes you feel good, for example, a warm aromatherapy/bubble bath, a drink of hot chocolate or milk, a bunch of flowers, a long relaxing walk, meeting with supportive friends, seeing a movie, listening to your favourite music, cooking your favourite food etc. Talk about the flashback Even though you may feel like keeping the flashback to yourself, it can be really helpful if you share it with a supportive person. In talking it through you may gain more insight to yourself and it may help you to put your experience into perspective. Remember, you have not done anything wrong, being raped or assaulted was not your fault and you do not have to suffer in silence. Give yourself permission to receive support and understanding from others. Be proud of yourself You have come through a frightening experience and you’re still in one piece. You have let yourself remember a very traumatic time in your life and that takes a lot of courage and strength to do. Through this process of remembering and acknowledging your past, you have moved deeper into your journey of healing and have grown a little bit more.

If you have lived through a traumatic experience, you probably at one point have had flashback. They may seem completely real or you may be able to tell they is just a memory, they may or may not take over all of your senses, maybe just a few or one of your senses, they may just be quick flashes of memory, just images or long painful replays of the event. They are pretty versatile like that. 

Anyway, no matter how they manifest within you, they are pretty horrific and intrusive. I used to have them on a regular basis, like every 5 minutes, lets just say that is a time in my life that I like to pretend didn’t exist but if I’m going to be honest it was the worst time frame of my life. It was also the time frame where I was hospitalized and finally got put on medication that worked. So now that I’m on 150mg of Seroquel Rx (Quetiapene) flashbacks tend to happen rarely, but since I’ve started desensitization therapy I have had a lot of high stress moments. The moments of high anxiety bring me to a state where I’m easily triggered. 

So this week my psycho-educator gave me a few things that I can do that can make them more bearable. Keep in mind that not all of these will work for everyone. Actually the likelihood  of you finding all three doable is slim, but you should be able to find one exercise that you feel comfortable with and can practice to help you deal with the flashback, it will take practice so don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t go according to plan the first few times. 

Okay here’s the part where I translate my french exercise sheet into English, and add a little Amber-flare + add things that the therapists have said to me that are not written on the sheet she gave me.

1. The Big Screen

Imagine that your flashback is a film that you are watching. With the help of an imaginary remote control you can manipulate the scene how you see fit: you can cut the sound, turn the volume down , make the image blurry/unfocused, or press stop. You can fast foreword, put in black and white. 

2. Superposition photos

First off, choose an image that is calm and positive, a pretty image or maybe something funny that would make a nice photo. For example the image you choose might be of a place, a person, a situation, and nice memory, a character so long as it signifies something to you. When you have a flashback (which will be the traumatizing photo) cover it with the nice image that you chose.  Variation: Instead of an image you could choose a sound for example: applauding, singing a song, humming

3. Interior Protection Exercise

When you have a flashback remember a moment or situation in which you felt strong and connect with this positive experience. For this technique to be more effective you can also find a favoured object that reminds you of this positive experience for example: you like sailing, find a small boat.

If it is impossible to identify a positive experience you can create your own for example: an imaginary place that is very peaceful, of an objet that you really like. 

These three techniques are from Les Consultants en Réadaptation du Québec. I in no means mean to profit from their work. In fact I mean solely help anglophones who cannot understand the french version as there was not until this moment an english version available. 

4. Safety Measures

(I came up with the title just now if you find another title that fits better you’re welcome to suggest it to me)

Furthermore I have a fourth option which my psychologist an I worked up which is kind of a mix of the three I guess. Her idea for me is to take a push-pen and use it as an imaginary remote control (something tactile and easy to bring around with me that gives a sense of control). When you start to have a flashback to push the pen and imagine the scene pausing and then add an element that makes you feel safe ( for me this is a group of police officers who proceed to arrest my rapists) and try to superposition (cover the image with) this element of safety on top of the flashback.

I hope that this post is helpful to you in some way. At this point I haven’t had a chance to try them out yet, save for the fourth one on a micro-flashback so let me know if they work for you, and also if you have any other techniques that you use that may be helpful for me and others. My ask is always open and you’re welcome to go on anon if necessary.

Love Always, Amber

I gamble with letters in a landmine

Blast as six or seven children

Laugh and call me names like rocks, to which I bleed.

Fall brings back my fear of spiders,

Scabbing over the back of my head,

And I can't seem to scratch the surface of what the pain means.