Sometimes you carry things quietly for so long that it starts to feel normal. You keep everything inside, tell yourself it’s not that big of a deal, or worry that you would be a burden if you said anything out loud. Maybe you have tried to hint at it before and felt unheard, or maybe you just don’t know how to put the feelings into words. So you hold it in, even when it gets heavy.
But holding everything alone can be exhausting. Thoughts loop in your head, feelings grow bigger in silence, and you are left trying to comfort yourself while also hurting. There are moments where you wish someone would just notice without you having to explain. At the same time, the idea of opening up can feel scary, what if they don’t understand, what if it comes out wrong, what if you regret saying anything at all.
If you have been feeling like this, it’s okay to take small steps toward letting someone in. It doesn’t have to be everything all at once. It can be a simple “I’m not doing great,” or “can I talk for a minute?” Even just letting someone know you are struggling is already something gentle and brave. You don’t need perfect words, and you don’t need to explain everything.
You deserve to be supported, not just silently endure things on your own. You deserve someone sitting with you in the heaviness, even if all they do is listen. And even if it feels uncomfortable at first, sometimes sharing a little bit can make the weight feel less lonely.
Be patient with yourself if it’s hard. You don’t have to rush, and you don’t have to force it. Just the thought of reaching out is already a soft step forward. Whenever you are ready, in your own time, you can let someone hold a small piece of what you have been carrying.
You don’t have to do everything alone. And even the quietest attempt to open up deserves gentleness, reassurance, and the kind of comfort that feels like a warm, steady hug.
And if you feel like you don’t really have anyone to talk to, you are welcome to vent in my inbox. You can stay anonymous and just let it all out without pressure. You don’t even have to make it structured, just say whatever you are holding in. And if you want a reply, you can mention that too. You don’t have to keep everything inside.
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Tim Drake, photography, self-worth issues, and body dysmorphia.
Tim loves taking pictures. He hasn't been able to indulge in the hobby the way he used to as a naive kid trailing behind people he looked up to, like the world's most ridiculous duckling. He hasn't even touched his personal camera in months. He just uses his phone to snap something quick, or he's on a case, and he only takes work photos on his work camera. He misses taking his camera out for the hell of it.
That being said, as much as he likes taking photos, he hates having his own photo taken. Dodging out of the way or turning to an angle that the least amount of him will be seen whenever he spots a camera pointed at him. If he could do press conferences without them filming him, he'd be so happy. Hell, he'll personally train Demon Brat to be the face of Wayne Enterprises when the kid is 15 or whatever if it means Tim never has to be filmed or photographed again.
He doesn't tell the Waynes this, though. Last thing he needs if for them to decide he's crazy again. He's fine. He just... doesn't feel like there should be a piece of him immortalized.
He remembers his mother explaining how the Egyptians would carve their likeness in stone so that your whole body or something would end up in the afterlife. That's why they'd always show all 4 limbs and a side profile of the head. No one wants to be the guy who only has 1 arm or no ears because their image didn't have it before they died. Or something like that.
Tim is not sure when he internalized that, but he snaps pictures of his important people and prints out his favourites. He then shoves them in a shoebox, but that's not important. What is important is if the Egyptians were right, the Waynes and Tim's Titan team would have all their limbs and shit just from Tim's photos alone.
And at some point, Tim realized he doesn't want to immortalized the same way. He wishes to just cease to exist in anyone's mind and from existence in general when he dies... He doesn't feel like anyone would want to remember him enough to go looking for pictures of him anyways.
He'd prefer not to be perceived in his day-to-day. He dreams of being a ghost, just being invisible and still doing all his tasks without anyone looking over his shoulder. No one can yell at him for not belonging or compare him to this person or that. At least if he was invisible, he could blame that for why he's never acknowledged.
He also just hates looking at himself. He does it, since he needs to look presentable, but he's actively forcing his self-loathing each time. It's an unfortunate side effect of... a lot of things actually now that he thinks about it.
His parents policed the hell out of what he could eat or wear the entire time they were alive. They barely saw him, yet criticized every pound of weight, hair out of place, or imperfect smile. Every piece of junk food feels rebellious now.
Bruce being overcritical about everything he did or didn't do for years. He still is, just less often.
Joker kidnapping him and completely changing who Tim is through torture.
Everything Jason and Damian did when they returned/came to Gotham. Their intense hatred for him feels like boiling oil dumped on his skin.
There's just a lot. A lot has happened, and Tim can't help but internalize it.
He's just a tool to be used. Tools aren't people and don't deserve love. So he'll just let them use him til he ceases to exist. If only to get scraps of affection.
He's been wondering if the last six years has been worth it lately, though. He's given up anything that makes him a person. He has no friends or family to lean on, nor does he have hobbies. All he does is work and let the people who were supposed to be his family yell at him. He's tired.
Tim stands in front of his bathroom mirror as he thinks about how rough his mental health is. He frowns at how much bigger he's gotten. Sure, growing taller is expected, but he's also wider. It doesn't matter that he's mostly muscle and the thinnest, and soon to be shortest, of the Waynes, he can just hear his mother's disapproving tut. It doesn't help that Joker also starved him to make him look more like him on top of the torture. Tim knows he's not fat, but it certainly feels that way whenever he sees himself.
It also throws him off when he sees his hair isn't green. He's not sure why that expectation stuck, but here he is, thrown off by his nature hair colour. He won't dye it green or get green highlights or anything like that. It wouldn't be just the Waynes thinking he lost his mind if he does something like that.
Maybe.. he should look into a therapist or psychiatrist? The other Robins would make fun of him for it, but something tells him they aren't nearly as passively suicidal as him. Something that is bad for a hero or vigilante to be. Someone who's suicidal in their line of work will start missing critical information simply because they start wanting the situation to go nuclear and them die as a result. A whole death by cop situation. And he has too many people relying on him to let himself get to that point.
Tim turns from the mirror and decides to do something he hasn't done since he was part of his Titan's team. He takes a selfie. The last time he did one was because his team insisted. This one is awful and on his phone, but it'll have the date in the metadata. A reminder of him deciding he can't allow himself to deteriorate more than he has.
He sends the camera case holding his personal camera a longing look before heading to the Nest. The hobby can wait just a little longer. First, he has to find someone willing to help a vigilante without him having to take the mask off. The game plan is to talk about only things that can't be linked to his secret identity. And maybe, MAYBE, if it goes well and he doesn't get betrayed by them or something, he might discuss things that can be linked. But currently, most of his life, good or bad, is tied to the vigilante side of things, so he needs them vetted for that.... It's going to take a while.
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