#deadletters

I cant pretend this is a lighthearted fling,

I cant pretend to the world no more,

What is it that youre looking for?

Messaging me late at night,

I surrender. Here's the white flag.

I did fall inlove.

We woke together for the first three nights of the year, -my year.

I had been curious to meet you for some time.

I'd eagerly message the group just to have your replies. The deleted yellow shirt photo was not just chance.

We could call it serendipity,

but truly the side of me that likes to hide, tsundere style, was longing to enjoy your presence, wondering what it would be like,

the part of me that deleted all our messages in fear of myself finding out, because it ruined the narrative i was forcing myself to believe.

I tried to push myself away from you, being rude, but you brushed it off, so many times.

But I cared,

I cared for all the lies I ever gave you trying to pretend, they were a heavy rock on my chest.

I am not afraid to confess,

that once I gave into what i felt...,

Its intense, makes my body tingle, its burning me alive, its terrifying but at the same time brings me some odd calm,

as if i am exactly where I am supposed to be,

as if this distance was by divine design,

I starred at you while you slept the first morning, trying to hold on details of the sun on your face, wondering if you would wake, I was able to find a tune to the rhytmic sound of your breaths, the cruel pass of time, that scaped faster than my tears dried as I accepted my fate, before it arrived, Why even fantasize, I can't stay.

I begged my feelings to stay at bay.

I had my own promises to fulfill to myself.

I hadn't even touch you by then,

And that was supposed to be the way.

I went to the sea that day, to try to wash away my pain, opened up to my sister that I was going to claim my freedom as mine again.

But theres no such a thing as coincidence, there's only the inevitable.

The second night came to pass and i found you once more asleep in my temporary bed, a pillow in between us was the best I could lay, but i still rubbed your feet and your hands gently as we slept.

Quickly t'was the last night, once more the chance to secretly admire you reappeared, and I sank deep into the moment as you slept next to me for the third time, I had already been strong twice, I just wanted to touch your hands, your face...

Memorizing the smell of your skin, with your face so close to mine, the heat that surrounded my body and yours, allowing my present, past and all the possible futures coexist in the same timeline.

But I couldn't stop myself from closing the distance between your lips and mine.

"just once" i thought.

It was with sorrow: a shy goodbye,

but then you awoke, and what happened next ignited the flame that is slowly consuming me into smoke.

And I stopped from going further, even though I just wanted you to watch me dissolve.

i knew that was my pattern,

linger in dead relationships and call it love,

while deep inside I harbor a starved wolf,

that finds a foal to sacrifice out of bloodlust.

And I stopped.

i couldnt let you be the foal.

Eventhough everything in me was a-go

Since December 21st, I had renewal intentions. Four more months to finally escape, but little did i knew that it was just all about to fall into place,

My thirteen prayers were brought to my ancestors, the two of you happened to be there, no one else, he mocked it, while you even tried to help. No, i said. this is for me to do,

And the ancestors heard,

it all has a cost, they told me on day 8.

Distance and an a hint of regret.

Is it real feeling or is idealization?

Perhaps It was just by chance that I decided to open to just you from the rest of the pack, the thousands of people that pass me by on the daily, I still to this day wonder why,

From the attention I kept receiving when little did you know I had already failed to obtain where i was supposed to, the witty funny chaotic remarks, empathic sweet and free being.

what do you look for messaging me every night, while i am alone with angry self, as i set out in this 11 year journey to be abroad as my father request for the success he didnt have.

Grandma had already told me I needed to be back. I promised I will. But I am too proud to say i failed on my task in here. Not yet. One more try I said.

This year is for me.

So I surrender you got me there.

And I am afraid to ask. Do you feel anything as well? other than lust,

if you suddenly went blind,

would you be able to distinguish my voice, my mind, are you even curious to really know me?

Do i even want to know?

I long to be wanted, to be the muse,

to be the catalyst for a beautiful story

i deserve the truth,

But I probably know this already, just like the rest, its just my body and not my soul.

I much prefer to admire you at a distance and remain in the shadows where i love you for one more night, before i leave, I could stay there just replying the scenes i carefully memorized, and will certainly idealize.

"let yourself be loved" you said,

perhaps the heat of the moment

but what the heck,

i allowed it.

i craved it.

i wanted it.

I could just live there.

Run far my love, this is the pattern i finally break.

Wish I hadn't fallen inlove,

that's my regret.

And it shall be no more.

The wolf, was actually my inner little girl with all the grief i felt for not loving myself more.

As her job had been to find those souls I made contracts with, and live, yes, live them ardently until we burn out and perhaps reborn.

Are you afraid to hurt? Is that why you are so cautious with your feelings but so free with your penis?

I cant move, Im guarding this wolf,

I gotta let the girl speak her peace

She's been kept muzzled for so long,

her fangs are ready still,

You said you wanted to be happy, who am i to choose your goals, just heed my warning, happiness is always fleeting,

I am happy to see you happy, but that's not something I can sustain by myself, happiness is like a fruit in a tree, there's some seasons it may be scarce, so you make do with what life offers,

Personally I smile to make ends meet,

but you can hunt it if it makes you feel at peace, maybe you find... there's always Joy in it.

So just work on it, bit by bit,

smell all the flowers, see if you even remember my perfume.

march your path slowly, dont ever quit, go thru life, maybe, step by step in your way the distance between us is no longer there,

Everything says its just not time for us just yet.

And there was the value of a moment,

eternally our merry met.

So for now, sure, be scared, run away.

L,

This is my first letter to you. Idk why I want to write this but sometimes I can't really express myself thru talking. I really appreciate you and I really like your company. Though sometimes u feel like I'm cold to you, maybe because I'm scared to be vulnerable to you, I'm scared that I will be attached to you even more. Idk what will happen next if I became open to you. 

Actually, I enjoy hanging out with you. But pls don't pressure me. I really wanna know ur soul, I want to know u more. But sometimes, ur so childish and very sensitive to the point it requires a lot of patience. And sometimes, I felt that u don't like me that much because u always cared about ur feelings. 

Pls understand me, and my situation. Idk if I should turn u down rn, or should I spend more time with u in order to know u more, to know the real u. I'm looking forward to our next meet up haha. It may always seem that I'm cold in our convo, but I really want to be with u.

z

I hate myself for investing so much time thinking of you. You don’t deserve my time. Actually, you never cared for me. Tunay pala talaga yung sabi ng iba na “one day bigla mong marerealize na u need to stop”.

I’ve been recollecting if I will delete all your messages in my phone, in messenger, all the things that are related to you. Should I? Sige na nga, I come to my senses na. Hindi na ako dapat manghinayang, kasi ako ang sinayang mo. Hahahaha charot! Joke. I mean ako lang naman kasi ang may issue dito, because wala lang sayo ang lahat. If meron, you never say it directly to me. Oh well, ako din naman. It’s always joke time for us every time na magkausap tayo. That’s all. I’ve been through a lot, so there’s no need to think twice. I will let go everything about you.

I will move forward and never go back. I will not expect anything from you. If you want to rekindle our friendship, it’s fine but it depends on you ikaw na ang magfirst move.

Tama na. Pagod na ako. Matagal na akong nag iintay sa wala.

I will not expect anything from you talaga! Promise. This will be the last. Goodbye.