autumn

Last wednesday, we are able to defend our thesis. The long wait is over because we finally got an opportunity after a longggggg panunuyo sa mga panel. Actually i was a bit nervous because of our manipulated data and idk how to answer the questions na ibabato ng panel

But thank You Lord, natapos ang buong araw ng may ngiti sa aming mga labi. Aming napagtagumpayan ang pagdedepensa sa aming tesis. Nakakatuwa na parang natanggalan kami ng tinik sa puso. Salamat sa mga tao na nakasaksi at naging parte ng aming tesis. Alam nyo ang aming paghihirap and thank you for helping us and supporting us in different ways.

L,

This is my first letter to you. Idk why I want to write this but sometimes I can't really express myself thru talking. I really appreciate you and I really like your company. Though sometimes u feel like I'm cold to you, maybe because I'm scared to be vulnerable to you, I'm scared that I will be attached to you even more. Idk what will happen next if I became open to you. 

Actually, I enjoy hanging out with you. But pls don't pressure me. I really wanna know ur soul, I want to know u more. But sometimes, ur so childish and very sensitive to the point it requires a lot of patience. And sometimes, I felt that u don't like me that much because u always cared about ur feelings. 

Pls understand me, and my situation. Idk if I should turn u down rn, or should I spend more time with u in order to know u more, to know the real u. I'm looking forward to our next meet up haha. It may always seem that I'm cold in our convo, but I really want to be with u.

February na and hindi pa din kami nakakapagdefense sa thesis. Sobrang daming ganap from the past month and namove na ng namove ang sched tapos ayon kahirap din magpasched to the point na lingguhan bago magkaroon ng progress. Medyo nakakastress and I am really worried kasi gusto ko na matapos ang thesis para wala nang isipin pag nagsimula na ng review sa UBE. Kaso yon nga, idk but the Lord has a reason kung bakit gusto nya imove ng imove ang aming defense. I will trust in Him nalang, and even though medyo negative na yung thoughts ko, I am very thankful with the people I’m surrounded with kasi they keep on trusting on me na malalagpasan namin ‘tong thesis na ‘to and they keep on motivating me na I should look on the brighter side. Thankful pa din ako sa Panginoon, kasi hindi naman Nya kami pababayaan, and dapat ‘di ko isipin ng isipin kasi wala namang mangyayare pag inisip ko ‘yon, mai-stress lang ako. 

Today is Monday. Supposedly, magdedefense na kami ng aming thesis but something came up yesterday, Taal Volcano just erupted. At first akala ko, medyo normal lang napagsabog like releasing out steam something, but everything’s getting out of hand lalo na ang volcanic ash hays. Then there’s a huge demand of face mask kasi super delikado pala ng volcanic ash sa ating katawan. So yun, idk kung kelan kami makakadefense, tmr wala kaming pasok kasi matindi padin eh, bawal padin lumabas. I will just pray to God, na sana maging okay na and we will get through this calamity. I just hope na sana wala nang mapahamak pa and sana everyone is getting help from those who are not affected.

Just an update! I passed compre. Last december 23, 2019 my prof just uploaded our grades and to my surprise, I passed. I never thought about it, actually I’m crying to myself every night and then I prayed to God to help me to accept things if it is not for me. And through God’s grace, I passed. Di ko talaga malilimutan yung saya, kasi I was really hopeless and I am not confident na papasa ako don kasi I was at bottom 31. 

I am grateful with my small achievements, and I thank God because He was with me all the time. I’m thankful also with my friends who prayed with me and cheered me up. This is one of my sweetest victories that I will never forget. 

Next up is thesis. Yes thesis nalang. Though medyo nadelay na nga kami, and sadly hindi na ata kami aabot para sa graduation this coming feb, we will still fight for it and balak namin tapusin before the last week of January. I know God is with us, He is before all things. We just need to do our best and He will do the rest. 2020 is our year. Matatapos rin ‘tong thesis namin. Kahit medyo sad ako kasi di ko kasabay ang mga aports ko na gagraduate sa Feb, still I should be thankful for all the good things that God stored for us. 

It’s getting complicated when you’re starting to be attached to someone, someone you never thought you can get along with. Actually, I really hate it. Complicated relationships. Because I don’t know what to do, okay lang sana kung para sa friends eh, yung kahit ako na yung laging mag initiate pag may hindi pagkakaintindihan. Pero this time, iba ‘to eh. Someone just confessed to me that he like me, but di ko yon nahalata, and parang kasalanan ko. Tas sya pa ngayon ang cold, wow amazing. 

i just had my midterm examination sa compre and may nasagot naman ako tas yon binigay na din yung rankings sa quiz medyo nadown lang ako kasi ang baba ng ranking ko tas ang gagaling ng mga kaklase ko hays

wala lang medyo nalulungkot ako feeling ko ay wala akong mapagsabihan ng mga down moments ko kasi feeling ko ang babaw ng mga nararamdaman ko, na parang “yun lang malungkot kana??” tas yung iba pa easy easy lang pero mataas ang score huhu grabe ang pessimistic ko na, kakamiss yung mga panahong very hopeful ko hays ang gusto ko lang naman ay kahit magandang support system, though medyo tamad na nga ako umattend sa CYA, pero ang hirap pag nagbreakdown kana tas wala ka mapagsabihan, tas yung confidence level ko ay sobrang baba diba, but in the end of the day, ako pa din ang mag eencourage at maglilift up sa sarili ko, ako padin yung babangon at magpapalakas ng loob kahit di ko alam kung makakapasa ba ako or makakagraduate ngayong sem hay

z

I hate myself for investing so much time thinking of you. You don’t deserve my time. Actually, you never cared for me. Tunay pala talaga yung sabi ng iba na “one day bigla mong marerealize na u need to stop”.

I’ve been recollecting if I will delete all your messages in my phone, in messenger, all the things that are related to you. Should I? Sige na nga, I come to my senses na. Hindi na ako dapat manghinayang, kasi ako ang sinayang mo. Hahahaha charot! Joke. I mean ako lang naman kasi ang may issue dito, because wala lang sayo ang lahat. If meron, you never say it directly to me. Oh well, ako din naman. It’s always joke time for us every time na magkausap tayo. That’s all. I’ve been through a lot, so there’s no need to think twice. I will let go everything about you.

I will move forward and never go back. I will not expect anything from you. If you want to rekindle our friendship, it’s fine but it depends on you ikaw na ang magfirst move.

Tama na. Pagod na ako. Matagal na akong nag iintay sa wala.

I will not expect anything from you talaga! Promise. This will be the last. Goodbye.

or mas maganda nalang na ako nalang may alam

Every night I cried to sleep, feeling unworthy, unloved, unappreciated. Idk what to do in the future.Thanks God, namove yung exam ko sa isang araw, hindi kasi ako nakapag aral kagabi kasi sobrang bigat sa pakiramdam. Wala lang talaga  akong mapagsabihan, sa family ko, sa friends ko, wala talaga. Sa CYA din, wala, wala akong mapagsabihan kasi wala naman akong deeper relationship with them, I feel like wala lang yon sa kanila.

Sorry ang drama ko talaga, pressure lang talaga, lalo na ngayong sem. I can’t keep my focus lalo na kung ang nsa paligid mo ay super expectant about you, tapos ikaw hindi ka sure about your future kasi you don’t know what you want, what makes you happy. Nakakapagod lang mag isip kasi at the end of the day, hindi mo alam kung worth it ba lahat ng time na ininvest mo sa lahat ng ginagawa mo ngayon, 10 years from now ba, masaya ba ako kung tatahakin ko ang field na ‘to. Kasi syempre ayoko naman in the future na super working girl na ako na ginagawa lang yon kasi dahil ng sweldo, feeling ko nagsasayang ako ng oras. 

Sobrang pagod lang talaga ako for not being on my field, feeling ko tuloy napakawalang kwenta ko kasi hindi ako magaling. Salamat sa Panginoon kasi nakakasurvive parin ako dito sa Engineering kahit hindi ako magaling. Salamat sa mga magulang ko na sobrang supportive at mapagmahal sakin, eto siguro ang mga dahilan kaya andito pa din ako sa engineering. Pero kung kakayahan talaga ang usapan, wala talaga ako. But, salamat sa support group ko, sa community, at sa Panginoon, kasi naniniwala parin sila sakin na kaya, pero feeling ko talaga para lang akong plastic labo na may hangin lang sa loob. Mukang may laman, pero wala naman. Natatakot ako sa hinaharap, kasi hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin, lalo na at hindi ako masaya sa ginagawa ko tapos hindi din ako magaling. 

i keep motivating myself that i should keep on keeping on, Lord help me.

I feel so pressured rn, idk what to do. I feel I am incompetent, I feel hopeless.

Alam mo, kinakabahan ako para sa IPD ko. Feeling ko babagsak ako don, pero dapat hindi na. Bawal na dapat bumagsak kasi hanggang 5 1/2 year lang ako para makatake ng board exam sa Feb 2020. I feel like, I’m the last place in our section, lalo na nung semis. Wala kasi talaga akong naisagot. Kasi hindi ako nagcheating and ayoko magcheating and hindi din ako nakaaral ng mabuti dahil PPD. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi feeling ko ang bobo ko talaga kasi wala akong maisagot and antok na antok ako sa exam. Actually, dinidivert ko nalang lahat ng nararamdaman kong disappointment sa sarili by watching random videos and movies, pero hindi pa din natatanggal ang worry ko sa studies.

Mamaya, tapos ang 2nd sem and akala ko dati masaya and chill lagi tuwing 2nd sem pero mali ako. Ang boring ng sem na ‘to and I feel like I’m surrounded by fake people, nakakalungkot lang. I tried to be a kind and good friend to everyone pero until now, I can’t tell a list kung sino ba mga tunay kong friends. Kasi I can see them mangbash ng tao and for sure ganon din silang mangbash pagwala ako.

Alam mo Lord, sorry for not investing most of my time in You. Kahit na I know na super worth it kung sa Iyo ako mag iinvest. I kept on looking for someone na pede kong paglaanan ng mga kaya kong ibigay and to being “myself” when that someone is around. But still, Ikaw parin Panginoon ang consistent until day 1. Wala akong makita, Ikaw lang. Thank you for always being there. But ako talaga ang may mali eh. I dig deeper to other people, na dapat ay sayo. Hays help me Lord.

Last March 26 (ata) nagmeet kami ni Mae, para kumain sa sm. Natuwa lang ako kaya gusto ko ikwento because that was my first time na mexperience ang ganon na bagay sorry kung medyo assuming ako sa mga susunod na mababasa mo. 

We were eating in Bonchon, I ordered isang meal that includes isang ice cream, japchae, chicken and drinks, at isang regular meal lang na chicken and drinks lang. I was asked by the cashier if isasabay lang ba yung icecream sa food or to follow nalang daw ba after ng meal. Then I said, “to follow nalang po”. We are almost done eating, bale nagsasaid nalang kami ng chicken, finollow-up ko na yung icecream, para pagkaubos ng food ay makakain na namin. But after some minutes, wala pa din yung icecream. Then finollow-up ko ulit, don sa isang crew na medyo may itsura, then naalala din nung isang crew na sinabihan ko na una. Tapos yon, ang nag asikaso na nung icecream ay yung crew na medyo pogi hahaha oo pogi sya, ganda ng smile. He asked me kung ilan daw ba yung icecream, tapos sabi ko ay isa lang kasi diba nakainclude lang yun sa meal. Dinala nya ang ice cream sa table namin, pero dalawa. Yes, hindi isa kundi dalawa. Gulat nalang ako sabi ko sa kanya isa lang ang nasa resibo, pero sabi nya, hayaan nyo nalang po. Super shookt talaga ako and I can’t help but to smile hahaha kasi diba isa lang naman yung dapat na ice cream pero dalawa ang binigay. Hanggang ngayon, di ko alam kung bakit dalawa binigay nya?

Baka..

1)  Mabait lang talaga sya

2) Compensation dahil sobrang tagal bago dumating nung order na ice cream

3) May promo that time sa ice cream

4) Nagandahan sa akin si poging crew

5) Sobrang generous lang nya