#de escalation

Nodding at the man behind the counter, you stepped directly toward the nearest shelf. His presence had felt somewhat heavy to you. But you weren’t here for him. There had to be something about transformation magic in here. So, you went through book after book then moved on to the next shelf. The entire time you felt him watching you. It was disturbing. You rolled your shoulders and glanced toward the staircase. Maybe you’d have better chances upstairs.

When you headed over, he stepped in your path. With an annoyed look, you paused the music and pushed the headphones down.

“Yes?” you asked sharply, both of your hands making the universal “What do you want?” gesture.

“Good evening, my dear. Are you looking for anything in particular?” He looked honestly concerned.

“Transformation magic,” you replied. He might as well make himself useful.

“And what you are trying to transform?” he asked, while slightly elevating his eyebrows.

“Knives,” you hissed, irritated.

“Knives. Hm, what do you want them to turn into?”

“Why would you need to know that? You sell books. I need a book. So go, find it,” you snapped at him. It made your stomach turn, but your patience had run out.

“My dear please, I promise I am only trying to help you. The kind of enchantment you are aiming for is a rather complicated and delicate task.” His voice didn’t raise a single notch; it got softer instead. “Let us take a seat and see if we can find a less difficult path to your goal.” He pointed towards the plush, heavy chairs in a corner.

“Oh, to Hell with it! Fine.” You stomped over to the chairs and dropped into one of them.

The shopkeeper sat down in the other seat. Before he could say something, a man came down the staircase. You blinked and angled your head. There was something there. Somehow, he reminded you of Henry—your Boa constrictor—impossible.

“Aziraphale, what did you do now?” the newcomer leaned against Aziraphale’s armchair.

“Crowley, I am trying to help here!” he replied offended. “We are going to find a solution for this witch’s problem.”

“And that problem is?”

“Everybody my age and some even younger carrying a knife around. And they are using them too! This has to be stopped!” you threw at them, slapping your hands down on the armrests.

“I see. And you were going to solve this by transforming the knives into...?”

“Snakes,” you supplied. Correcting yourself, “Well they prefer serpent—especially the big ones.” You ended up looking at the man named Crowley.

“Very true,” he stated, “But what happens then—with them?”

That was a good question. One you had no answer to. Cause animals getting hurt on your behalf was unacceptable to you.

“Witch?”, Aziraphale addressed you gently. “Have you thought about using an illusion for this?”

You froze. An illusion? Illusions were simple—relatively speaking. And nobody was going to get hurt—serpents or humans.

“That sounds picture perfect,” you perked up. “So, every time someone grabs a knife, they see a serpent in its place.”

“You want all restaurants to close?” Crowley drawled. “You know, they use knives rather often.”

“Ähm,...” you stammered.

“Certainly, no one here wants that!” Aziraphale cut in. “There is a simple solution. Bind the spell to the intent, with which people are holding a knife.”

“That’s it! Only humans, who want to hurt someone will see serpents.” You were bouncing with excitement, which made your seat squeak.

“And what kind of serpent will they see? A poisonous one or a harmless one? Big or small?” Crowley fired questions at you.

“Corn snakes, they are harmless, small and common enough to cause shock but no panic.” You reasoned—more to yourself than to them.

Smirking at Aziraphale, Crowley commented, “Oh, the irony of serpents disarming humans.”

Aziraphale shot him an indignant look and got up.

“Let me get you the right book then.” He went behind the counter.

You angled your head again and decided it was worth a try.

Addressing Crowley, “On the topic of serpents: Why do you remind of my Boa constrictor—Henry?”

He smiled at you and said: “That’s not for you to know.”

So, you went over to Aziraphale to collect your book and pay. You swallowed. “Thank you, Aziraphale. For your time and your patience—you’re an angel.” You went to hug him.

He took a quick step back, holding up his hands, “That’s quite all right my dear. It was a pleasure. Have a wonderful day.”

“You too.” You waved at him and left the bookshop. You put your headphones back on and chose to “Power” from Songs of Legion from your playlist. The song now matching your mood.

Credits:

Line-dividers by @uzmacchiato

➤ Previos: Day 15 🔥While Sam Sleeps (MDNI)

Nodding at the man behind the counter, you stepped directly toward the nearest shelf. His presence had felt somewhat heavy to you. But you weren’t here for him. There had to be something about transformation magic in here. So, you went through book after book then moved on to the next shelf. The entire time you felt him watching you. It was disturbing. You rolled your shoulders and glanced toward the staircase. Maybe you’d have better chances upstairs.

When you headed over, he stepped in your path. With an annoyed look, you paused the music and pushed the headphones down.

“Yes?” you asked sharply, both of your hands making the universal “What do you want?” gesture.

“Good evening, my dear. Are you looking for anything in particular?” He looked honestly concerned.

“Transformation magic,” you replied. He might as well make himself useful.

“And what you are trying to transform?” he asked, while slightly elevating his eyebrows.

“Knives,” you hissed, irritated.

“Knives. Hm, what do you want them to turn into?”

“Why would you need to know that? You sell books. I need a book. So go, find it,” you snapped at him. It made your stomach turn, but your patience had run out.

“My dear please, I promise I am only trying to help you. The kind of enchantment you are aiming for is a rather complicated and delicate task.” His voice didn’t raise a single notch; it got softer instead. “Let us take a seat and see if we can find a less difficult path to your goal.” He pointed towards the plush, heavy chairs in a corner.

“Oh, to Hell with it! Fine.” You stomped over to the chairs and dropped into one of them.

The shopkeeper sat down in the other seat. Before he could say something, a man came down the staircase. You blinked and angled your head. There was something there. Somehow, he reminded you of Henry—your Boa constrictor—impossible.

“Aziraphale, what did you do now?” the newcomer leaned against Aziraphale’s armchair.

“Crowley, I am trying to help here!” he replied offended. “We are going to find a solution for this witch’s problem.”

“And that problem is?”

“Everybody my age and some even younger carrying a knife around. And they are using them too! This has to be stopped!” you threw at them, slapping your hands down on the armrests.

“I see. And you were going to solve this by transforming the knives into...?”

“Snakes,” you supplied. Correcting yourself, “Well they prefer serpent—especially the big ones.” You ended up looking at the man named Crowley.

“Very true,” he stated, “But what happens then—with them?”

That was a good question. One you had no answer to. Cause animals getting hurt on your behalf was unacceptable to you.

“Witch?”, Aziraphale addressed you gently. “Have you thought about using an illusion for this?”

You froze. An illusion? Illusions were simple—relatively speaking. And nobody was going to get hurt—serpents or humans.

“That sounds picture perfect,” you perked up. “So, every time someone grabs a knife, they see a serpent in its place.”

“You want all restaurants to close?” Crowley drawled. “You know, they use knives rather often.”

“Ähm,...” you stammered.

“Certainly, no one here wants that!” Aziraphale cut in. “There is a simple solution. Bind the spell to the intent, with which people are holding a knife.”

“That’s it! Only humans, who want to hurt someone will see serpents.” You were bouncing with excitement, which made your seat squeak.

“And what kind of serpent will they see? A poisonous one or a harmless one? Big or small?” Crowley fired questions at you.

“Corn snakes, they are harmless, small and common enough to cause shock but no panic.” You reasoned—more to yourself than to them.

Smirking at Aziraphale, Crowley commented, “Oh, the irony of serpents disarming humans.”

Aziraphale shot him an indignant look and got up.

“Let me get you the right book then.” He went behind the counter.

You angled your head again and decided it was worth a try.

Addressing Crowley, “On the topic of serpents: Why do you remind of my Boa constrictor—Henry?”

He smiled at you and said: “That’s not for you to know.”

So, you went over to Aziraphale to collect your book and pay. You swallowed. “Thank you, Aziraphale. For your time and your patience—you’re an angel.” You went to hug him.

He took a quick step back, holding up his hands, “That’s quite all right my dear. It was a pleasure. Have a wonderful day.”

“You too.” You waved at him and left the bookshop. You put your headphones back on and chose to “Power” from Songs of Legion from your playlist. The song now matching your mood.

Credit:

Line-divierds by @uzmacchiato

➤ Previos: Day 14😂🔍Cat & Mouse

1) Do not view loop/grip behavior as pathological. I have yet to meet a person who hasn't experienced loop/grip, so it's counterproductive to treat it as "abnormal". When one experiences intense inner conflict, loop/grip arises to protect the most vulnerable parts of oneself. In other words, when viewed from within the context of one's inner world, loop/grip is a reasonable response. When viewed from the outside, it seems disturbing, but remind yourself that it is usually a sign of limited knowledge, skills, and resources. When one hasn't had the opportunity to learn healthy coping methods and/or doesn't have the mental resources required to cope with life's stressors, all one can do is rely on unhealthy defense mechanisms to get by.

For instance, when ESFPs descend into loop or grip, what they are usually trying to do is manage a deluge of negativity, particularly dangerous threats to their self-esteem and self-worth. Perhaps they've lost sight of their better self, so they use Te loop as a misguided way to prove their worth. Or perhaps they have not recognized the true extent of their unhappiness and they use Ni grip to withdraw and reflect on it, as opposed to continually engaging with the world in ways that exacerbate unhappiness.

Loop/grip does not produce growth-positive results, but that doesn't mean it's not serving an important psychological purpose. Thus, if you want to help someone in loop/grip, you have to understand why it's happening and offer a different, more productive way to fulfill that psychological purpose. However, you're not a therapist and it shouldn't be your job to therapize, so there's only so much you can do to help someone with deeper psychological issues. In some cases, perhaps the most you can do is help them manage their stress better in the short term.

Looping ESFPs have difficulty getting in touch with their feelings because setting Fi free might stop them from experiencing/getting something they've talked themselves into wanting. Fi development is necessary to get back in touch with what they really need for being a person of integrity and living a fulfilling life. They resist Fi as long as they believe it will compel them to make a daunting change that they aren't prepared to make. However, ESFPs are very practical people. If you're able to offer a compromise or solution that seems feasible and manageable to them, there's a good chance they'll hear it.

2) Do not take loop/grip behavior personally. When someone lashes out at you, there is a natural tendency to take it as an attack that warrants a defense. Unfortunately, raising your defenses will come off as aggressive, which easily leads to warfare mentality. At that point, the chance for resolution grows ever smaller. Even when words/actions are intended to be hurtful, it is important to remember that the person isn't seeing and directing them at the real you. In their compromised state of mind, you are but an object onto which they project whatever conflict is happening within. Tip: During conflicts, try to keep in mind what he's like at his best and you won't be so easily derailed by his worst.

3) Do not escalate problems by getting baited into unleashing your darker self into the mix. A person suffering from loop/grip oftentimes wants you to bite them back, to amplify their inner critic, to justify their victimhood, to punish perceived sins, etc, because they're unconsciously playing out old patterns of pain, but that's not what they need.

What they need is someone to be calm, moderate, and objective, as exhibited through good communication skills. Communication is an art, meaning there's no perfect way to do it, and there's no way to speak such that you never offend anyone. You can't control how others react to you, but respectful, empathetic, and tactful communication really helps to de-escalate tense conflicts.

Some general principles of healthy communication:

- Communicate respectfully: Grant everyone the freedom to express themselves authentically. If you find yourself getting too heavily involved or agitated in the process, express your feelings matter-of-factly as needed, without any hint of blame or judgmentalness. Express yourself responsibly by using "I…" statements that speak only for you and your experience, and encourage others to follow.

- Communicate empathetically: Put yourself in their shoes by gathering information about their perspective, including: how they view things, why they feel as they do, and/or how their past experiences might've led them to react badly (info about their emotional triggers will also help you navigate future conflicts). Don't assume anything; make sure you actually understand the intended meaning. Ask questions gently to clarify things you don't understand and figure out what you can contribute to help their situation.

Keep in mind that some people's experience might be very different from what you've known (especially when you have opposing functions), so make a point to validate people by acknowledging that they have a right to their own personal boundaries, preferences, experiences, feelings, opinions, beliefs, and values. When you give validation, you offer a chance for emotional release, in hopes of dialing down the intensity. People are far less likely to act out once they feel seen and heard, which is why active listening is such a key communication skill.

- Communicate tactfully: The word "tact" is rooted in touch. It means handling something with the amount of care that is necessary to keep it in good condition. Being tactful in relationships means interacting with the amount of care that is necessary to preserve goodwill between people. Conflicts can get very heated. You're not a saint, so you can't always avoid getting influenced by strong negative emotions. You are entitled to feel what you feel, but it's how you decide to respond to your feelings that matters most. You need strategies for keeping a cool head during conflict, such as mindfulness training. It may help to keep your eye on the end goal or bigger picture. Before you say/do something, ask yourself: Is this going to produce the effect I hope for?

When things get heated, calmly set and enforce appropriate boundaries with a reminder of what is acceptable vs unacceptable behavior in a loving relationship. Generally speaking, you shouldn't fight people's battles for them because that prevents them from learning how to do it themselves. Thus, avoid giving them unsolicited advice, trying to force change, or arguing against and invalidating their feelings - these all constitute a violation of personal boundaries. If you want to give advice, obtain consent, and remember that the problem is theirs to resolve, not yours (this goes both ways). Maintaining good personal boundaries for everyone during conflict is essential because a relationship cannot survive long without respect and kindness. All couples fight. Healthy couples fight responsibly, negotiate and resolve issues, and come out wiser and closer. Unhealthy couples take their gloves off, repeat and rehash issues, and come out deeply hurt or damaged.

A romantic relationship should be between equals. This means your feelings are just as important as his feelings. One mistake helpful people often make is being submissive or placating during conflict, usually because they fear triggering very negative emotions. This pattern easily turns you into a doormat or punching bag. Yes, show people you're willing to help and give some leeway for loss of control, but, in return, they must eventually show you a willingness to cooperate and collaborate on a resolution. Otherwise, it's a no-go, and you should step away until they are adult enough to be reasoned with. Someone who isn't capable of handling conflict reasonably even when calm isn't ready for a serious romantic relationship, and you should reflect on whether it's good for you to continue on with them.

Useful examples:

"You seem very stressed lately, is that the case?" (fact-find)

"I'm willing to listen, do you want to talk about it?" (offer)

"It sounds like a very frustrating situation. I understand why you would feel angry about it." (validate)

"If you want to handle it yourself, I will respect your space. I care about you and your well-being. I hope you know that I am your partner and partners help carry burdens when they get too heavy. I'm available whenever you're ready to talk." (reassure)

"It's not fair to take your frustration out on me. I want to be a source of help or comfort to you, so why not try to work the problem out together?" (tactful reminder)

"I should be the one to manage my own life. If you want to help me, I request that you do so respectfully by {explain what you want them to do}." (set boundaries)

"This issue is bigger and more complicated than I thought. Why don't we take a brief time-out, grab some water, and return to the issue with clearer heads?" (monitor emotional intensity)