dinah threatening bruce into relaxing and taking a break and bruce finally saying fuck it and self medicating with weed every once in a while
all goes fine until one day he's randomly dragged by the scruff into a justice league meeting and whole time hes desperately trying not to let the others know hes high as hell
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Bruce is at a Justice League Christmas Party, but he is mostly awkward and alone, so his kids come to kidnap rescue him
On AO3.
Ships: none
Warnings: none
~~~~~~~~~~
Batman was standing uncomfortably in the corner of the Justice League Christmas party. He had wanted to skip it and patrol, but his kids had insisted he go claiming that “it was good to hang out with friends now that he finally had them”.
He just stood there and watched the others have fun, he tried to give off a don’t-touch-me aura, so that he would be left alone, because he didn’t feel like socializing at all. He wondered why he even went, he could be home now or on patrol, where he could listen to his kids squabble over the comms. Bruce sighed, he didn’t want to be here.
He got out his phone and apped Dick: - How is everything down there?
Dick shot back: ~ Nothing big
~ You enjoying yourself?
- No, help me
~ Hahahahahahaha
- :(
~ Bye B, socialize!
And then Dick was offline and Bruce was all alone at the party once more. He looked around, but tried not to make eye contact. He sighed once more and let his thoughts drift off to Alfred's hot coca, which is the best.
He only let himself be snapped back to his actual place instead of his dream-scape where he was sitting next to the fireplace when the teleporter whirred to life and a gaggle of people appeared.
Immediately the whole League was on high alert, but Batman let his guard drop when he recognized the people there. They were all in costume, but also Santa hats or reindeer antlers. His kids, his idiot kids, his sweet but also idiots kids.
Superman didn’t know them of course, so he yelled out: “State your names. What are you doing here and how did you get here?”
Jason yelled back: “Were the bat bitches and we are here to kidnap your human.”
This did not help them at all. The League got into a defensive stance around Batman, while his kids all slapped Jason. Barbara said: “Why are you an idiot?”
Dick turned to the League and said: “Don’t listen to him. We didn’t come to kidnap B, we came to collect him, because he was sad and lonely.”
Bruce face-palmed and pushed past Superman and asked: “Why are you all here?”
“You know these people?” Superman asked.
“Sadly.” Batman replied, while looking at his kids.
“You want an honest answer? Or a nice answer?” Barbara asked.
Bruce thought about it before saying: “The nice answer.”
Barbara grinned and Bruce briefly regretted his choice, then she said: “We missed you and you looked sad on the security camera feed that Red Robin hacked,” “Sup” “so we decided to come get you.”
“And who is patrolling?” Bruce asked.
“Spoiler and Signal.” Barbara told him.
“Well this has been nice, but I want hot coca and home made cookies, so can we go now?” Jason said.
“Yes, Batman.” Damian opened his mouth, “They looked delicious.”
Bruce sighed and asked: “Is this the honest answer?”
The matching grins told the truth and Bruce sighed and turned back to the Laegue. He said: “I know them, don’t worry. I’ll just go and I see you all tomorrow.”
“You sure, Batman?” Superman asked.
Batman nodded and started herding all the kids out of the room. Once they were gone Flash said: “Was it just me or was that strange?”
Green Lantern shrugged and said: “Kinda, but we have seen weirder… I think?”
“Hm, true.”
~
“ALFRED!!!!” A chorus of voices yelled.
The butler stuck his head around the corner and saw all the kids along with Bruce, now all in soft sweaters and sweatpants, stepping out the BatCave. They had collected Stephanie and Duke as well and now Dick and Jason were chanting: “COOKIES! COOKIES! COOKIES!”
Barbara was rolling her eyes at them, but the rest just looked excitedly at Alfred. Alfred smiled fondly and got out the plate, everyone cheered and dove upon the cookies.
While they were all happily stuffing their faces Alfred walked over to Bruce and said: “They all missed you, Master Bruce.”
Bruce looked at them and said: “And I them. What do you say about some hot coca?”
The Justice League has a meeting at the Wayne Manor, but it’s interupted when the batboys have a fight upstairs and Bruce has to intervene.
On AO3
Ships: none
Warnings: none, not really
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“The Tower will be unavailable for our next meeting. We will need another place for it to take place, any suggestions?” Superman said.
A murmur went through the League, most didn’t have a place and no one really wanted to go to a boring meeting, so they saw this as a good opportunity to skip. Batman noticed what was going on and glared as he grudgingly said: “If there is no other way we can use the manor.”
An excited ripple went through the group, everyone knew Batmans strict no Meta-Humans in Gotham policy. Batman noticed their thought train as well and snapped: “Meetings are vital to success, but I do not enjoy inviting you to my city. You will arrive for the meeting and leave right after, anyone who stays longer than necessary will be chased out” a pause, “with violence.”
Most swallowed, but Superman just grinned and said: “Thank you, Batman.”
Batman grunted in acknowledgement, but that was it. He was then quick to leave the meeting, a small thunder cloud still above his head.
Superman watched him leave and shook his head, Bruce would never not be anti-social.
~
They arrived in the Batcave and marveled at the gigantic dinosaur and penny, but they didn’t have time to look at more stuff, because soon there were clothes in their faces. Batman stood in the middle and lights went out. He said: “Put those on, lets go upstairs.”
They looked to the clothes in their hands, they were normal civilian clothes. They looked at each other before shrugging and putting them on. They followed Batman upstairs, all tried to see as much of the Batcave as possible, but the lights were out and the walk was short. Batman wanted to keep his secrets.
They entered the Manor and looked in awe, technically they knew Batman was Bruce Wayne and a billionaire, but this made it a bit more real, even seeing Batman without cowl in a suit was weird even though there were tons of pictures of him in a suit and without a cowl. He led them through a few halls to a big dining hall. They weren’t dining, but it served their purpose. They took place at the table and Superman started the meeting.
They were 30 minutes in and it was a normal meeting so far. People had gotten over their awe and were now participating in the meeting and the strangest thing that had happened was a butler who had brought them some refreshments, to whom Batman had, honest to God, smiled as he thanked him.
They had just reached the 40 minutes mark when it happened. A scream was heard from upstairs, followed by someone yelling: “Demon Spawn, I swear I am this close.”
There was a muffled reply and then bullet shots echoed through the hall. Multiple Members had sprung up from their chairs, ready to help. But Batman held his hand up as he sighed. He seemed to have aged a couple of years in the last few seconds. He cocked his head and listened again, the League listened with him. Another voice yelled: “Jason, we talked about shooting siblings!”
The first voice yelled back: “He started it, besides it were rubber bullets, don’t get your panties in a twist, Dick.”
A younger, but offended voice could now be heard as well: “I did not start this, Todd. I just came into your room, you should have paid attention, then you wouldn’t have been scared.”
No one, but Superman could hear the tired voice saying: “He does have a point, Jason.”
But all could hear the reply: “Don’t get involved, replacement!”
The second voice, who had been called Dick, said: “Guys, keep it down. We promised B.”
“I don’t give a shit!”
It was quiet for a few moments after that. Everyone turned to Batman who just put his head in his hands and said: “Just don’t.”
Most were thorn between curiosity and giving Batman privacy, but before they could make a decision on which to act when an explosion was heard. Batman looked ready to murder someone when he suddenly stood up from his chair and marched to the door. He threw it open, on the other side was a gigantic stair case. He yelled: “Boys, come right here and tell me what the fuck is going on!”
Most shared a few looks before looking at the spectacle that was unfolding in front of them. They could hear running and then four black haired boys appeared on top of the staircase. The smallest and the one with a white streak in his hair were covered in residue of an explosion, all were looking a bit guilty.
The youngest said: “Todd started it, father.”
Immediately the other explosion kid, who they assumed was Todd, gaped at the smaller one and exclaimed: “I didn’t start shit, you were to one sneaking around, Demon Spawn!”
Batman sighed again and the League would feel sorry for him if it weren’t for the sudden appearance of children who had called Batman father and all looked very similar to Bruce. I mean, they knew, but it’s hadn’t really sunk in that Bruce Wayne WAS Batman and what that meant child-wise. Batman tiredly said: “Jason we talked about using violence in arguments and property destruction. Damian, why were you Jasons room?”
The youngest, now identified as Damian looked away. A zombie like kid put up his hand and said: “If you know can we go?”
Batman nodded and the kid opened his mouth. Instantly he was taken down by the two guilty parties, Batman started waked towards to tear them apart, but the oldest was quicker. He started to pull Damian off and while he was doing that Batman had time to free the zombie kid from Jason. He asked: “What were you going to say, Tim?” while he glared at Damian and Jason.
Both just shrugged and looked away. That scared Flash and Green Lantern a lot, because who could be nonchalant under the Batglare?
The zombie kid, or Tim as Batman had called him, said: “Damian was looking for some soft stuff for his new kittens and scared Jason, who reacted. Oh and speaking about proper destruction. How much did you value the painting with the three dogs running in the fields?”
Batman rubbed his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked at the two who had been fighting with a calculating look. He then said with a hint of finality: “You two have to clean the Batcave, together. And the hallway.”
Both squawked and started to protest, but it only angered Batman more. He said: “Dick, get handcuffs. They are doing this very much together.”
The oldest smiled wickedly and grabbed handcuffs from the back of his belt. Batman gave him a look and he shrugged: “I almost have to go to work.”
Batman excepted that and cuffed the two protesting boys together. He gave them a stern look and said: “I’ll know.”
Both boys swallowed. Batman turned around and walked back to the dining room. They could see the oldest laughing at his brothers before the two shared a look and jumped him together, then the door closed. Batman shook his head and said: “Sorry about that. I hoped that all could find something to do, but of course those four had to stay behind.”
It was quiet then Flash yelled: “Wait, there are more!”
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