#dayeightyeight

It’s November and it’s getting harder and harder to wake up in the mornings.

I always find it positively hilarious when I stroll into work on Fridays close to 08:00 (20 minutes before my work day officially begins) and I’m one of the first people to arrive. 

I guess I’m not the only struggling to get up in the mornings for work. 

It’s just been especially busy for the elementary department with all the dumb school events we’ve had for the students since the beginning of October. Today was the first normal school day in a while after open classes and parent-teacher conferences all week long. 

It’s a wonder I managed to plan anything normal for my classes. 

I tried to keep things light for class today with some writing practice in the student diaries and teaching my students how to play a word-based version of Battleship. 

So naturally it failed before I could even try it. 

My students were just plain rowdy today.

Stupid Fridays and their awesome foreshadowing of a great, school-free weekend. Even I get the same way on Fridays, so I can’t really blame my students. 

And in all fairness, my explanation of how to play Battleship was both crap and confusing as fuck. 

So if I don’t lose my marbles completely during the weekend, I might just give Battleship another go on Monday in class. 

I found time in-between my busy schedule to make some notes for H about SB’s behaviour in class. His mom is coming to the school to speak to H on Monday afternoon. H did invite me to join that meeting, but I have class then. I’m not entirely sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing. I’m not really sure how much I want to be involved in that meeting, even though the meeting’s only happening because of me. 

As dumb as it sounds even to myself, I’m deciding to trust H with this and pray that things don’t get blown out of proportion and paint me in a bad light somehow. 

But if my name gets dragged through the mud, so be it. If it makes other people feel better to make me the ‘fall gal’ to cover up their own shortcomings and insecurities, then that’s something I’m going to need to make my peace with now before I leave this Earth. 

As the wise Whitney Houston once said, ‘It’s not right, but it’s ok.’

X certainly tried her fair share of blaming me for her mistakes, as if it wasn’t bad enough that she used me in the first place. She did everything in her power to take from me and humiliate me in the process. 

But I didn’t cave and I didn’t break. 

I’m still standing somehow.

On days like today when the world makes a little more sense, I realise that my body and brain were built for this pain somehow. God must’ve known all along that I’m like a stubborn old tree. It doesn’t matter how the wind shakes me and tears away at my bark; I still just keep on standing my ground. 

I didn’t do it without help though. The people who supported me through this week and beyond are the roots that held me in place and stopped me falling over. 

Anyway, I feel like a load’s been lifted from my shoulders. I’m thankful that P and G encouraged me to do the right thing and speak out about what happened to me at school. It’s bad enough when teachers put their hands inappropriately on students, but to have it done in reverse is just as bad if not worse. In a warped way, I do feel for SB. There’s definitely something going on with him and I can only hope that whatever it is, I hope he’ll be able to unburden himself and be a happier child. 

This ‘turning the other cheek’ stuff in Jesus terms is a lot of hard work. 

I still have some work left to do, but I took my student diaries home and I’ll look for some worksheets over the weekend. I made chicken strips and practically inhaled them all. I haven’t eating properly these past few weeks because of work stress and being sick. 

I need to start doing right by my body, brain and my heart too. 

I bought a diffuser to help me sleep more naturally at night. I’m just waiting for my lavender essential oil to arrive. 

I feel jittery tonight; it’s difficult to resist the urge to do a thousand things at a time because of how stressed out I am. 

I submitted a job application to a prestigious international school in my city; H, EV and ML actually came through and gave me letters of recommendation for it too. Life is complicated sometimes. That colleague who pissed you off yesterday is often that same colleague who’s helping you the very next day with a task. 

It’s taken me the better part of 34 years to learn to take the good with the bad. Sometimes, you just can’t have it one way or the other. It wouldn’t really be living if you only had good things or only had bad things. 

My life and personality have always been like two sides of the same coin. Most of the time, I like that my life is nuanced, even if it’s messy sometimes. 

Time to stop rambling, wash the dinner dishes, put on my pyjamas and climb into bed. I’m going to post some of my modified story online, but I’m doing it just for me this time. 

I have some errands to run and hopefully I’ll still be up for having a meal with KI. She dumped her Nigerian boyfriend two weeks ago because he tried to borrow money one too many times, so I’m sure she has a lot to share with me about that. D’s encouraging me to come to a local Christmas party next month because a lot of staff members from different schools in our city will be there. It’ll be a good chance to network and hopefully find a new job soon, so I’d better pay the admission fee soon. 

Who doesn’t need a little Christmas cheer? 

Time’s skipping forward now and I’m getting more and more used to X not being a part of my life. I’m not trying very hard to stop and process it all. I don’t have the time or energy to feel sad about someone who probably never loved me the way I deserved to begin with. She’s still with me in my dreams sometimes, but in more of a ‘muted backdrop’ sense. 

Typing up my feelings is exhausting me now, the day has been too long.