#day827

Stinker - Progress

This is a hobby and all fan art are just for fun.

So because it’s pride month and it’s literally everywhere (which is beautiful and I love it) I guess it has hit me harder than ever.

I think I was around 16 or 17 the first time I considered I might be not straight. I’m not very good at feelings though so I’ve never really had a crush on anyone, but I do remember watching some girls and thinking they were beautiful.

Back then, I didn’t really think anything about it. I’ve been raised in a catholic atmosphere. My parents and most of my family are catholics, I went to three different catholic schools and I even won a catholic scholarship to study in a catholic university. My parents are overprotective and though I love my grandparents, they weren’t really open minded so I can’t really blame my parents for the way they think. They were raised that way and both grew up in small towns where new and different thoughts were bizarre. I don’t share their opinions but I don’t blame them either.

Like I said, I was raised in that environment. It wasn’t until I finally moved from the town to the city that I began to think about my sexuality. Even though my parents never really told me or my siblings that being not straight was wrong, as far as I remember, they’ve been implying it for years. So when I turned 16-17 and began to notice things about girls that I was supposed to notice on guys, it freaked me out a little. It wasn’t because I was scared of being a lesbian or something other than straight, it was more the fact that I just knew my parents wouldn’t take it well.

So I decided to hide it. Like I said, I’m not good with feelings, so it wasn’t really that hard for me to hide it. I don’t get attached to people easily so it’s not like I had to sacrifice a crush or a potential relationship or anything. Instead, I just pretended that I didn’t find anyone attractive, regardless of their gender.

When I turned 16 I moved to an all girl high school (catholic, again) and I was so angry that I got enrolled there that I didn’t even try to make friends. I was pretty shit the first year if I’m being honest. I made friends my last year though. And up to this day, they’re still my closest friends. Even though I was there for two years, I didn’t really get a crush on anyone, so I thought that maybe it was just me being complicated and decided to ignore it again.

When I went to college though, things changed. I’m not really sure why, but for some reason I started to think about it again. It scared me so I decided to just ignore it and let it go. I was not dating anyone so there wasn’t really a reason to overthink it. These last two years though I have been thinking about it non stop and if I’m being honest it’s driving me insane.

I don’t have a problem with liking girls. I have, in fact, accepted it a long time ago. It wasn’t really a problem to me. I’ve always thought of people as people regardless of the way I was raised. It might be cause I spend most of my free time on the internet because I know for sure my siblings don’t share my views on lots of things. I don’t know, but I’ve never seen people as other than people, regardless of their race, sex, color, religion or anything. I just don’t care. So I didn’t have a problem with liking girls.

My parents though, that’s a completely different story. If it weren’t for the fact that I just know they wouldn’t approve of my liking girls I wouldn’t even be having this crisis. I remember reading “ those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind ” once, but the truth is, it’s not like that for me. I love my parents more than anything in this world and I just know they wouldn’t accept it. And honestly, the mere thought of losing them is enough to drive me completely insane.

Which is ridiculous, because I’m 23 and I can’t talk to my parents about something that is so important for me. The only people who know are my best friend (who was completely supportive, like I knew she’d be) and another friend I met a few years ago on twitter and who was equally supportive and amazing. Their support means everything to me because when I’m having a crisis I know I can count on them and I know they’ll make it better.

It makes me so sad that I can’t talk to my parents though. My dad is an amazing father, but he would never accept something like that. I just know he wouldn’t. I have enough reasons to know he wouldn’t. And my mom is like my other half. She is my mom and my friend and my sister and my everything, but I know I can’t tell her either. And it sucks.

It’s so hard for me that I can’t talk about this with the two most important people in my life. And it’s not like I’d rub it on their faces either. I just wish they knew. You have no idea how many times I’ve wished they knew. Every time there’s a slight mention of homosexuality I literally tense up because even though I know they don’t know, I feel like if I open my mouth, they’ll know. And the thought of them knowing scares me to death. I know they wouldn’t stop talking to me, I know they wouldn’t disown me or kick me out, but to think that they would stop looking at me the way they do now is enough to destroy me. They’ve always told me how proud they are of me for being such a good student and such a good girl and such a good daughter, and the thought of losing all of that for something like this, something that I can’t change about myself, something that shouldn’t matter to them but does because of the way they were raised, it kills me. I don’t want them to look at me and feel pity or regret or guilt. I’m not strong enough to deal with that. I’ll never be strong enough to lose my parents like that.

And it scares me because I know that if someday, for some sick joke of destiny, I fall in love with a girl, I’ll have to take a decision and either way it’s going to hurt like hell. And it sucks because as long as they don’t know, I’ll keep hearing their homophobic crap every time the matter comes up and I will feel like shit and it will shatter me but I will not have the strength to speak up because I’ll be scared that they’ll know and it sucks. It sucks so much. I feel trapped inside myself and it’s driving me mad because I can’t stop thinking about it and the more I think the more I crumble and it’s making me feel so damn hopeless.

I don’t want to lose my parents but I feel like I’m losing myself instead.