#david greene

Me: Please let this be a normal day (field trip) /ref

Client 1: Maria (Gator Boys - Obsidian Lantern)

Me: Is that a fucking bird in my office?

Me: Y’know what, so long as I’m paid, I do not give a damn—*opens case file*

Me: Okay Ms. . .Maria, huh a bird named Maria, you learn new things every day—you are being charged with theft of property—I am aware that you are a bird—

Me: Okay so long as you were not actively trained by another individual to steal that would be illegal but would also be seen as animal cruelty—and I have no idea how that’s even a standing law given the state of this world—

Me: Wait what do you mean by ‘half-blood cruelty?’

Client 2: Blake (Yandere Cultist Friend - Redacted Audios)

Me: *pinching the bridge of my nose* Mm, hoe, the things that I cannot say—

Me: Alright buddy, you are being charged for the kidnapping of two people while being a compliant participant of a cult suspected of actively causing, participating and committing a massacre of 1,500 people. 

Me: And if that wasn’t enough you’re also being charged with a felony for torture, and since you live in California that applies for California’s “Three Strikes Law”.

Me: *sigh* And you are hosting a divine being—sorry, Sovereign, in your body. I’m pretty sure that goes against multiversal law and the TVA might come to yank your ass but until that crossover occurs you are going to be prosecuted to the fullest extent, me included on that team because in no way, shape, or form am I representing your psychotic ass—

[BACK TO CLIENT 1]

Me: So what I’m getting is just extreme racism and malicious intent from humans against half-bloods? 

Me: Alright, might actually have a solid case against them now. Never thought I’d not only be representing a bird but be defending one, but we live in a strange day and age—

Client 3: Alex (Photographer Boyfriend - ZSakuVA)

Me: Okay Mr. Alex, you are being sued by the entirety of the ZSakuVA fandom for emotional distress, and they’re also seeking financial compensation for their copious amounts of therapy bills—

Me: The charges do stick Mr. Alex, and apparently gaslighting is also seen as bad in our day and age, so all I’m saying is that be glad that the fandom decided to handle this the legal way 😃

Client 4: Wanderer (The Wanderer - Nomads Tales & Audios)

Me: Okay Mr. Wanderer, you are being charged for— *flips through file* says here thst you committed. . .dear lord how many crimes have you committed what the fuck

Me: How in the ASMR does a person commit this many crimes—I don’t even know what to say for this I—

(I imagine Wanderer just poofs any evidence against him away because he’s a messy bitch like that)

Me: Where’d the evidence go—oh what the hell—😃

Client 5: David Greene (Vampire Hunter - Mage Bunkshelf)

Me: Okay Mr. Greene, you are being convinced for kidnapping on several different accounts—Mr. Greene we have several witness testimonies, accounts and reports—I am aware that they are vampires and have violently assaulted, attacked and killed humans, but that does not give you therefore the right to kidnap them.

Me: Oh and the hunting of them as well as the several killings. This is called homicide Mr. Greene—you prefer David? Alright, David.

Me: Most of what I have on file would suggest justifiable homicide, as you’ve only ever killed in self-defense, which we can argue for in court, however, the kidnapping is not in self defense, because it’s literally kidnapping.

Me: Most I can probably barter for is only 6-18 months, maybe two years at least in prison—hey I’m not the one who decided to play Van Helsing—

Client 6: Escaped/Walter (Against The World - Escaped Audios)

Me: *sigh* final client yippee— 🥳 I—MOTHERFUCKER—*crashing out*

[WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK]

Me: *sigh* My brother in all that is holy you are literally a fucking villain, you have killed, you have committed more destruction of property than can be properly addressed in this file. That’s not even talking about all your unlicensed firearms.

Me: You literally stole a car—and kidnapped the person who drove it—and while they themselves didn’t own it because they also stole it, that doesn’t make it right for you to do so.

Me: You’ve already been to prison, several times. And you’ve broken out, several times. There are several warrants out for your arrest.