#dave cavalier

As the train departed New Orleans for Memphis, nothing felt all that different. Not that I'd expected them, but there were no fireworks in my heart, no wild eyes toward a new horizon. This was simply my life now, by choice & by way of highway and rail. To have even the $17 in my bank account that I do felt like a fortune to just have something. There was a meal in my belly & more meals to come, opportunity ahead & the promise of a damn good party. My first real tour and the adventure I'd needed all along. This train was much quieter than the last. The laughter & audible optimism of the many Southbound travelers out of Chicago were gently replaced with the more somber, almost peaceful, cabin of 10. We shared a destination & a route, but looking over the wrinkled faces & family traveling partners, my mission seemed content to be my own. New Orleans had given me a reconnection with an old friend, an introduction to new friends, and a proper insight into it's true personality. Like a stranger you find a connection to but are only given a limited time to discover, I learned enough about this city to respect it & still want to know more. This town looks like it understands the blues, looks like it would allow me a space to understand myself. Unapologetic, honest and scarred, New Orleans is a little bit like me.

The Louisiana rain came down like a baptism from the sky yesterday as I struggled through a torturous hangover. I arrived the night before with the optimism of a child, smiling and hugging my best friend whom I was visiting. He'd transplanted to New Orleans for film & I had finally fulfilled my promise to come South and peer inside the new life he had created for himself. Just like the old days, we toasted with wine and the evening adventure led us out through town. The hazy conclusion came with the reward of an empty bank account, a car wreck, a great story & the pending hangover. As we biked through the town that next morning, raindrops flirting with storms and sunlight alike as I told myself not to vomit, I felt like the 50 year old college basketball star who stepped back on the court. His mind limber & wiser than the kids around him, it was his knees that couldn't keep up, his elevation that failed him and determined stubbornness that pushed him on, albeit limping slowly & painful to watch. We were chasing our glory days. The men we had evolved into the past two years that we'd been apart were men to be proud of, but back together again, we hung from chandeliers like we always had. This time, for me anyways, the ceiling was ready to give way at any moment and the collapse inevitable. So as that Louisiana rain came down & the gusts of warm wind passed over my cheeks yesterday, I felt it was again time to start anew. I hadn't failed anybody, not even myself, in climbing inside of a bottle that night, I'd simply realized what I'd told myself all along, "It's just not worth it to me anymore..." Maybe I'd grown up, maybe I'd grown out of this, or maybe I just wanted more out of something else and this same dance fulfilled nothing. The void it used to fill was gone, replaced by a lustful need for all things new, all things unique & a life of almost intolerable adventure. We reached home, soaked in the warm rain with the returning sunlight burning our backs & I felt like a kid again. Bicycles on sidewalks dodging cars and puddles, popping wheelies off erupting curbsides, the smiles were genuine and true. We spent today doing the same, sober in mind and soul & myself again focused on my journey as I discovered the new city one pedal turn at a time. Hungry for growth and for a new place to call home, I leave tomorrow for Memphis then for Nashville and beyond. 

Anxiety, nerves, excitement & promise. An inner lust for revelry & adventure draped loosely in the harsh reality that is the unknown. It trails me slyly, handcuffed to self doubt, waiting for my soul’s sobriety. Living life this way I’m learning is like playing tug of war with your subconscious. And it is war. This is why, however, there is so much to learn & so much to gain. Standing at the cliff’s edge, peering down to the depths of your potential failure or letting your eyes catch the sunrise in the distance. Dawning a new chapter, a new day & dripping in renewal, you reach for it with arms outstretched in optimism. Stumbling at first & losing your balance, so close to the free fall, you are caught, you find strength & then it happens - flight. Flight is true joy & for now, I’ve simply pulled up to the mountainside, ready to tempt it’s heights with all my ambition. No one is promised wings, only the seeds of courage. No one is promised a bright sunrise, but only the eventual end to the tease of the twilight. No one is promised fulfillment. We are only given a choice to entertain the journey required to discover it, wherever it may be, and this gift is the treasure we protect from our self doubt, our worry & our fear. This war we fight alone but it's victory? ..we share with the world forever.

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