DIARY OF A CIVILIANAIRE.

Ways

After all, it must count for something.

I cry more lately. It doesn’t take much. An inspiring glimpse into the story of a soul freed like a caged bird or a forgotten song remembered and I crumble like fragmented concrete. There are cracks in my foundation. Some days I feel helpless to repair them & I stare longingly at the television as I imbibe stories of those who are able to break free & get drunk on their happiness and optimism. I feel like an inmate staring out the barred windows of my cell watching a dear friend be set free. As the dirt kicks up under their shoes, slowly picking up pace the further away they get from the barb wire distancing itself from behind them, I feel so much joy for them & in the possibility of freedom before relenting and accepting my current existence, restricted & contained, with so much art I am simply unable to get out of my heart. I feel lost and continually searching, my answers floating around me like ghosts. I feel them deeply, I know they exist. I try to tune into their song and listen but a cacophony of self doubt and human confusion muddle up each indistinguishable melody. I search for closure but really want an opening. This hamster wheel I’ve been on for years, this journey I’ve sought out & endured, none of it can satisfy the appetite inside my chest. I would throw it all away, burn each material item I own to finally place that hand of peace over my heart. To fulfill my soul’s thirst for true joy, wherever it is hiding, waiting for me. I remind myself that if it hasn’t discovered me, or if I have yet to discover it, there must be a reason. But then there must be something I should be doing, something I should be chasing or embracing to push me in the direction of those things. But I don’t know what to do, where to go, who to turn to. I flail and try and fail and hope and inspire and break and rebuild and exhaust and recharge and retry and retry and retry and retry and retry and retry and retry and retry. So I cry more, because whatever is building up inside me is starting to overflow, it needs to get out. The emotions escaping from my dilated pupils thank me as they drip & drop upon the couch cushions like some leaky faucet. They hold me like a womb until they dry & disappear, as fleeting as the moments of clarity I have lately. But I am so grateful for my emotions, so curious about their origins and so I listen with great anticipation for whatever wisdom or reprieve they hope to convey. I’m overflowing, not empty, just tortured I can’t share this joy & pain with someone, with something. Whether it be as art or music, I don’t know. I want to burst & so I keep searching for a room full of needles. They poke and they prick and I bleed as they hurt, but I push on in hopes the sharpest of them all will finally set me free.

Than a delivery boy.

What a wonder the world would be if the mud held our hearts like the clouds.

The torturously casual pace of the draining water mocked me as it barely sank into the drain of the bathroom sink. Just one more thing. I’ll brave the world outside my apartment with more debt than dollars today, begging the universe for a muse as my eyes will scan the surrounding neighborhoods for some hint of employment. I’m exhausted of this process, this feeling that I’ve been treading water in an otherwise promising life, my prospects slowly slipping from the grip of my broken, crooked fingers like spit down my drain. I’m no alchemist, I can’t turn these metals to gold, these opportunities into income, this Music into a career. I’ve always thought I was. I’ve followed the universe, or so I believed I was, but I feel as though the boat was missed. And if not? I struggle with the thought that my body may be too broken to reach its sails someday soon if I can’t get some help. I can’t do this on my own, flirting with desperation. This is so painful. I feel like I’m experiencing a death, the denial of one, except the person who is dying is inside me. Letting go of a part of yourself this way feels impossible, like there’s nothin beyond it. I don’t know what to think anymore, nothing has made sense for a while.

Have you ever held your breath so long, you thought you may pass out? You can always hold on a little longer than you think, our bodies & minds being magnificent creations. And then that feeling of release like an erupted volcano of sudden relief when you gasp the crisp air & fill your lungs with life. It overtakes your heart, like a momentary embrace by a mother: calming, resolute and rescuing. I have been holding my breath for years in a vacuum of uncertainty. Terrified to let go for fear of my emotional or tangible death, this gripping feeling deeply embedded inside of my chest feels like a 100 pythons have begun to process of making prey of my heart, squeezing the health & happiness from it like a juiced fruit only to be tossed away and forgotten when the anxiety’s lustful need has been fulfilled. I feel like a discarded gem. A rusted hollow semblance of a past hope getting rained on in the dirt, too tired to speak & too broken to move. They say New York beats you up from the outside but LA breaks you from within. They’re right. My energy to wake up gratefully every morning and live a peaceful existence of acceptance and gratitude has been on empty for too long. I feel like a failure living in the dark, instead of a talented, proud man basking in the sunlight. This depression has a price tag: $30k for a wedding, $25k debt, $3k/mo for bills, $12k for PR or countless other music expenses. I work close to 6 jobs and multiple music projects and yet every month when I go to pay rent, I’m losing money. I’m so confused & hurt. I don’t live extravagantly, although sometimes outside my means to save face with the lifestyle of being a significant other or a boss or a networking musician. Nothing is free when you’re nothing, and I’m only something to “nobodies.” Those nobodies are everything to me. I feel like their success is tied up in the faith they’ve put in me. I solicited that faith & they bought in, now I have to step up and make it real & I feel like I can’t. My joy comes when the talking stops and the music starts, when the only currency is love & dancing and suddenly everyone becomes an equal. I’m in control in that environment. Once the last note rings out to its inevitably muted conclusion, I dissipate as well. I become smaller & itching to get back there like an addict. It is my only happiness some days and this world just wont let me have it. It owes me nothing, but it has been the map that guided my ship all my life. How do I walk on land when I’ve only known water? My ship is sinking, an island in the distance still painfully just out of reach. A mirage, maybe.

I’m so mad, I’m so frustrated. I can hardly elaborate on how much I can’t take this. How often do you dream of baseball bats, a whiplashed limb & shattered glass? My mind is faded, I’m always buzzed, that place seems more peaceful than the silence does. A chosen torture, they shroud it as passion. Why are the keys to your castle so expensive? I’m running, I’m hiding, I’m faking the man as ignorant ghosts drink wine as they dance. We are lucky, we are chosen, we are destined to be, then grow wise, end up broken & lost just like me. It ain’t free it ain’t charming to feel so disturbed then go smile for a while to convince your self worth. An endless implosion that I call devotion, I calm my emotions with calloused reprieve. I feel like a thief, though innocently, like I’ve hijacked her moments for my own disease. I searched for my joy and chased it with abandon but it feels like a predilection for fiction, addiction to disaster cuz all that I’m after is nothing to have: a burden, a flippant self affirming gasp. So what if I climb to the peak of this mountain, to seek and be found and crush all that was doubted? Will freedom just reign like a queen on a thrown?? Tragically hip until death’s at my door? Will nothing else change and I’ll still be the same selfless, self conscious prayer cursing God’s name? I haven’t a clue. I gave up. Why? Do you?? If so, stay a while. I welcome your words. Anything is better than the failure I’ve learned.

Sometimes, I feel like I have no place in this world. Not to sound depressing, I just genuinely feel as though wherever I travel, something keeps me different. I love music. I've loved nothing more and nothing else in this strange world has loved me with such equal fervor. Music has been there for me through every crisis, break up, joyous occasion, and every gray moment in between the successes and failures of a life still in progress. I'm always in progress. With every positive moment that surprises me I still have to remind myself that some success is yet to come. I feel as though my good days sometimes feel like I found a bag of gold. It's not mine, I happened upon it and someday someone will take it back. It's mine to borrow, not keep. Regardless, things will never stay that way or repeat themselves again. They just can't, how could they? What a sad way to come to reflect on joy. But yet, here I am awake and at it again. Combing through contacts, seeking solutions to problems, and refusing to quit. I remain grateful but it's hard to ignore how the ungrateful ones around me still can't imagine that I've done enough. In reality, I haven't done enough I guess. But no one has until they have, correct? We're all invincible until the day we die. I drive down Sunset Boulevard and the House of Blues is gone. And the venues I grew to love as a child grow cobwebs and their sidewalks remain bear. Banners of music acts that I'm unfamiliar with hang outside. They are just like me. Are they better than me? Are they worse? They seem to be doing something right. Does that mean what I do is wrong? I just don't know anymore. I've heard I should let go, so I do. The universe gives but it takes. I'm grateful for what I've been given but I'm terrified of what is still available for it to take.

Set aside some time For love, for note or rhyme For music Use it Life Don't lose it Stretch until you breach that line Where heaven, hell & you combine Bring it down and hold it close Share the gifts you love the most Dare to try and dare to fail Decide you're different Don't grow stale Don't be petty Have some faith Above all else: Reciprocate Love don't hate No fire nor fate Can hold us down with no escape When we create We open doors Breezy windows Sutured sores Even score No one wins Losers laugh cuz Champions sin No one's perfect But we all try That's the reason we all cry Cuz letting go & telling truths Is tables turned and loosened noose Petty steady words are getting heavy on my heart so let me Share with you my little wisdom Gems that came to me post schism Smarter men and smarter women Taught me how to live forgiven So pay it forward Pay it back Value what you have not lack Everything you need or want Is not meant for you to flaunt Love is ours and meant to share Like cross room sudden lingering stares Kiss somebody Worth the risk Let somebody know they're missed Guaranteed it'll come around That's what living's all about

A day to fly A day to ride A day to wade the changing tide A day to run A day to cry A day to bring the low to high To low to high To low to high Too low too high Too low too high Too low so high Up above the mountain top & staring at the chimney tops From which I choose to sit in thought And eat an apple I had brought That came to me from seed to sow to roots to growth to echoes more of what's been new & old and in my life so long I can't compare A blessing here A blessing there A gift is still a gift and if you wish for something that did not exist and then you find it in your life somehow just focus on the here & now And all the brilliance All the joy All the laughter Don't avoid The moment Avoid your thoughts Don't ignore your passions They have not forgotten you. I'm grateful Thank you Sun & clouds Hope & doubt I'm grateful Thank you Rain or shine Blood or wine I'm grateful Thank you They haven't forgotten you.

Sense of self retained Sense of self retrained Every minute's notion that lacks devotion that lacks emotion that breeds commotion escapes my clouds like rain We can't know love without the pain We only feel weak when we lose strength But if I had it then while I'm at it, it could be something I regain It's a process unexplained A phantom wish that just exists Inside my brain beside this puzzle Smother'ng dreams just like a muzzle That shadows me throughout the day But I've new shoes to lift me Guide me Push me Pull me Carefree nights reflecting on what could be Waiting ...just around the corner. Optimism Cerebral schism Effort laid like plans we made that never go quite as we say Then tempt our disillusioned hearts into madness, disarray Not today Not tomorrow ...or so I pray I won't know free without disaster No heart breaks without the laughter This journey's mine & all I'm after Isn't banners in the rafters Isn't gold emblazoned plaster Isn't empty hollow things to fill a void I'm just creating Like a sketch I'll end up hating Or a lyric, song or note or word Or melody bled that went unheard If I'm honest, I want the promise That I will wake up soaring Write a tune that pays the mortgage Hold my kids & kiss their foreheads Teach em dreams last through the morning Throughout the day into the evening That it's what keeps their pure hearts beating It's why they know that daddy loves em Cuz he waited just to show em Life is truly what you make it Go embrace it, don't you hate it Don't grow cold & live alone Open your heart, open your soul Cuz when it hurts that means it's working This machinery that's burning down the fears of never knowing It's all signs that prove they're growing That their tiny hands may scar As they grow big as me And yes, this life is hard But nothing great, my child, comes easy That they can guide that fire To warm themselves at night Next to someone that they'll love For whom they'll choose to fight Sense of self retained Sense of self retrained Sense of self, if threatened, needs to breathe & just refrain Let go & let it fade Return if I have strayed Let the child inside me play & dance fragility's ballet Risk Reward Faith Restored Beginning with today.

The fog slowly lifted off the horizon as Santa Monica Beach reappeared in the distance. The downbeat thumping in my Bose earbuds guided the pace of my legs & pedals as I coasted down Ocean Avenue to the lyrical imagery of California echoing inside my head. A chill ran up my spine, my body not yet warm to the ride or the mellow temperature of the coastline compared to my home in Hollywood. I didn't care. Today was about freedom. I pedaled faster. Faster. I wanted to fly.

Some days, we play the melody of life right over the bar line and the optimistic vibes carry from nightfall to sunrise. The high from last night’s performance of “Blue Velvet feat. Dave Cavalier Trio,” our final of the 2016, lingered radiantly into the following afternoon. Beaming still, we gushed over the opportunities life presented. An entrance into the private party scene, a weekly residency at one of our favorite venues were both huge goals we had looked to achieve with our sideshow. Add to this my recently having connected to a potentially influential & interested manager? It’s been a good week. Interestingly enough, I don’t feel as fulfilled as I’d hoped I would, maybe because confirmations aren’t yet in place and I’m a bit more grounded in reality lately, to say the very least. Regardless, the ever so fallible side of my psyche still has to defer to the fact that my goals are still on pace to being achieved and progress is still being made everyday. The focus will soon need to be on new music, new setlists and a new chapter of my artistry. While my growth is continually evolving, I can’t try to resell old news. My team is wiser, more talented & far more self aware. I have a feeling this shit is gonna get real & it’s really fucking exciting. This music is going to create magic.

I’ve spent the past few weeks doing a new kind of soul searching, a new kind of maturing. There is a widening scope I’m adapting to that is finally budding within my subconscious, concealed within the wind of the coming moments, the predestined fortunes, the internal path born external, the unlived life fulfilled. I met a guide of sorts, a wiser & more conscious human being to point me in the direction of calmer happiness. So long, I dealt with the day like a surviving stranger, built to break and chipping at the fringe. I had lost my beauty, my strength. I’d been here before &, until now, have allowed an anxiety to accompany me on my path through joy, reminding me to be grateful and enjoy my freedom because an inevitable pain is yet to come: the pendulum swing, the ebb & flow, the yin & yang. But a complex philosophy has been imparted and its integration is wholly inspiring. Strategies to tune out the negative and turn up the omnipresent positive, the endless optimism & the vibrant light we otherwise allow ourselves to be drained of, living in stagnant states of dark solitude. A new way to learn from the pain, understand its necessity & welcome the limitless, immeasurable opportunities to grow & evolve independently. Sometimes all we need is a gentle reminder of the things we’ve already learned are important and as we grow older and wiser, maybe we just require new perspectives & fresh routes to get us to the same conclusions & to make sense of this convoluted existence we’ve all been given. It’s like we’re circumventing the learned immunity of our awareness, creating a foundation for a stronger consciousness we take with us into the new day, the new challenge, the new opportunity & an evolving self. 

And vibrant melodies.”

Everyday I wake up it's like a battle begins. I succumb to the weight of my eyelids to delay the struggle a little while longer, but inevitably I rise, my stomach tight with hunger pains, my body showing it's usual signs of under-hydration & my inner self-critic tastes the blood in the water, flooding my conscious with memories of people saying, "Man! You look skinny!!" Or as I choose to hear it, "scrawny, puny & weak." I go to a barren cabinet for a meal and reflect on the money I don't have from the job I hate, the debt I've accrued pursuing the job I want and the lie I live to hide those facts from the world for fear of rejection. If I don't love me, I don't see how they could. I could be honest, but nothing would change tomorrow morning except I'd be without whatever inspired glance I occasionally receive from a fond admirer who's lost in the belief that I just might, "have it all together." Those looks get me through an evening of misery behind a bar, convincing them so I can convince myself, before I awake to the lonely reality that I still feel subpar. Already, I'm feeling beaten down by life and I've barely finished breakfast. That hurricane wheel begins to spin so I try to chant a daily mantra, try to hear Tony Robbins remind me, "If you stay in your head, you're dead," but still, I realize how much energy I'm exhorting to just maintain, not succeed. Demoralizing. But I dig in and find some small sum of energy to begin down the rabbit hole of building my music business for the day, maintaining optimism that as I click "send," an email reply will come paired with opportunities, but I know this game. I probably won't even get a "no," but instead just silence. Another feeling of, "This is pointless." Still I send & fight. "Fuck them, I know I'm talented and worth a damn. Just gotta find the one guy who thinks so." Keep fighting. I smoke weed to quiet my anxiety & have a coffee to not daze. I silently mutter to myself all day, lacking any motivation to leave the house. Why? Because out there everything costs money & right now I have none to spare. I already cut every corner I know how, I hate this feeling of helplessness & begin to wonder if it'll be like this forever. I disregard that negativity and continue working. Another daily battle. Push harder, harder, harder. Then, after a full day's worth of this, it's time to actually go to work. 8 hrs at a bar surrounded by drugs & alcohol as an alcoholic where my regulars are successful actors & musicians. Sure, I'm a bartender but I'm expanding my network! ...these regulars befriend me, but only one has ever tried to help me. They'll matter after a point I've yet to reach, til then I'm just another struggling musician, no one cares how talented or promising. I walk in everyday, however, with hopes those relationships will blossom one night, somehow, someway. I don't need to be the center of attention anymore, I just want to remember what pride feels like. I felt amazing 3 weeks ago so I asked myself why?? What was different?? I was away from the bar, I had money to spend & I spent it reasonably on time out with friends & my girlfriend, creating memories. I'd wake up energized & wanting to work. But today, like so many others, everything feels pointless. I go back & forth between these realities constantly, like a see saw sent from hell to tease & fuck with me, never able to maintain the good and barely able to withstand the bad. How can you dream big when you live in "survival mode?" Somehow I have, but I know that's not how we're necessarily built to function. I feel unwanted at every turn, forgotten & uncared for, singularly responsible for my successes & failures but with no shortage of people with zero experience who think they know how to do it better. I'm not a selfish person, but I feel forced to be out of self preservation & I hate myself sometimes for it. I just want to be happy & it's never felt so hard. :::violin plays::: Go back to Haiti & remember what struggle truly is. Stop being a pussy.