#dave blunts

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Dave Blunts

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - The greater Los Angeles area has been rocked by an unprecedented megathrust earthquake triggered by rapper Dave Blunts during his sold out performance at the Crypto.com Arena. According to seismologists, the quake, measuring at a jaw dropping 9.2 on the Richter scale, originated directly beneath the area.

Witnesses claim that the seismic event occurred when Dave Blunts, known for his morbid obesity, attempted to jump during his encore. “At first, I thought it was just the bass hitting harder than usual,” said concertgoer and teenage Dave Blunts fan Aiden Jacobs. “But then the ground started shaking, the lights fell, and Dave was like, ‘Damn, my bad, y’all!’ But he kept on rapping through it, though. What a legend.”

The U.S. Geological Survey (USGS) confirmed that the earthquake’s epicenter was located exactly where Dave Blunts landed after attempting his so called “Blunts Bounce.” “We’ve never seen an earthquake caused by a human being before,” said Dr. Michelle Timor of the USGS. “Mr. Blunts really is larger than life.”

The earthquake caused significant damage across the city, destroying nearly all buildings, structures, and streets, and killing hundreds of thousands of people in the process, including nearly all of the concertgoers at the Crypto.com Arena. Blunts, however, escaped the arena totally unbothered, with only a few minor injuries.

“I told y’all I was about to shake the game up,” Blunts said in a video posted to Instagram from his hospital bed. “We got records going platinum, and we got the Richter scale going platinum. Dave Blunts is up next, baby.”

might be obsessed with sonic now (more for big the cat bc hes awesomsos and likes frogs)

That man can't even stand up. He is sitting down on stage and laying down in his videos. Yet I have only seen 2 celebrities speak out against him and his weight. Lizzo was out here dancing, playing the flute and moving all around that stage and everyone and they mama, was constantly talking about how unhealthy she was.

Sexism is actually insane. The double standards are insane.