#datingdonts

Tinder… Oh, Tinder….

 So, I downloaded Tinder back onto my phone last night. It’s been a year and a half since I used it. Last time I used it, I started dating someone (for 7 months) that turned out to be a complete douche. But, I try not to hold things an ex did against new prospects…

 That being said, I’ve obviously had some sort of ‘success’ with Tinder, so I decided to give it another go. Within the first 12 hours, I had already received messages from about 5 guys. I know ahead of time that I will have to weed through the crappy guys out there. I have no preference on race or size, although I do favor the beefy men. Hey, I’m a big girl and I need a man that can handle all of me. I swipe right for all kinds of builds and types. Knowing that my brother uses the same app and has told me that he swipes right for every person on there and weeds them out later, has given me some skepticism in the reality of the matches I get on here. My bro is all about the hook up and I can’t even think about doing one night stands. It’s just not me. I don’t have it in me to just hit it and quit it. I’m a relationship girl. I need there to be more of a connection there. I take my matches with a grain of salt, and if they take the time to actually message me, then I will respond and see what’s up.

 I’ve been a member of many a variety of dating websites and apps throughout the years. I have had my ups and downs and can tell you which are my favorite and which ones really annoy me. There are assholes everywhere, but one thing that annoys me more than anything are men that go straight to sex talk. My most recent experience with this was today. One of the guys that was messaging me was no more than 5 responses back and forth of super small talk (mind you he never actually asks me anything personal or tries to get to know anything about me at all) before he says to me, “Are you a sexual person? If so what do you enjoy sexually?” What? I’m sorry… Call me crazy, but maybe you should find out my name before you inquire as to my favorite sexual position… Seriously? I can’t even with men like this. Needless to say, I stopped responding to him. Inquiries like that don’t even deserve a response. If I was to write back it would be rude and mean and I just don’t even want to get into that. Another thing that really pisses me off… dick pics. If any woman tells you they think a picture of a penis is hot or attractive in any way, they are lying. Penises are ugly. As are vaginas. I’m not sending you pics of my vagina, and you can keep pics of your member to yourself as well. Especially if you send a pic completely unsolicited. I didn’t ask you for it. We weren’t even on the conversation of it. And, WHAM, there’s his dick. No thank you. I’m far from a prude, and I am a sexual person, but that is left for the right time and place. If we get to know each other and our conversations eventually lead to a sexual topic, I will answer them openly and 110% honestly. I have no problem talking about sex and I am completely confident in my sexuality and my likes and dislikes. That’s not the issue. The issue is men who jump from “Hey” to “what color panties are you wearing?” Ugh!!!

 On the flip side, I’m already talking to some guys that are really taking the time to get to know me as a person. That’s important to me. I want to know that we have things in common and that we will be able to carry on an actual conversation. It also shows me early on if we are polar opposite and won’t have anything in common. I’m completely honest in my responses. I typically don’t even swipe right unless I have read through their profiles first. Catch my eye first and then catch my interest. I have noticed there are more men out there looking for something long term than I thought there would be. Or are they just writing that in their profiles to lure me in?? Who knows. Apparently I’m willing to take the risk.

He told me to meet him at a certain bar. I drove there and was a bit early, but I walked in, expecting to find an assortment of people crowding around a hip bar, only to find one person passed out on a couch and absolutely no one else bedside the bartender in the vicinity. Well, with the bar all to myself, I ordered a beer, sat at a table and started texting my friends a status update, when in walks this very large, very unattractive, and very un-like his photograph person. I admit, I’m shallow, I want to be attracted to someone I’m dating, we all do, and that’s why I should never never never violate my rule to go off of full body profile pics, not just head-shots because when they hide their body, they’re showing off a secret, whether it’s a body image or 7 toes on their left foot, something is obviously amiss. I took mental note of the vast difference in perception vs. reality, and continued to finish my text to my friends when he thundered down opposite me and immediately began complaining that the problem with women is how disrespectful they are by texting in front of someone; carefully omitting the tidy tidbit that he was several minutes late which of course isn’t rude at all. I mean...what am I supposed to do, look into space? Try to ascertain just how much alcohol the guy in the couch had to face before passing out on it? I finished my text and he continued to complain, this guy was such a joy to be around. But here’s the kicker, the bartender/with absolutely nothing else to do but tend to the only upright patrons in his establishment, immediately came over to take his order, and he just orders a Ginger Ale. At first, I thought, that’s weird....is he’s some sort of Straight Edge guy, but then...why suggest a bar as the meeting place? But then—the Ginger Ale came, and it all became stone cold heart stoppingly clear... He proceeded to open the lapel of his jacket, take out a flask and doctor his drink. I mean...how fucking classy can you get???? I think my mouth literally dropped open as I saw a real life person in 2017 use a flask — not in an homage to another era—-but as a way to get out of paying a few bucks for some alcohol. He slyly looked at me as though I was in on his secret to rip off the bar he chose for us to meet at, and I think he took my look of pure disgust as interest as he continued to talk. And, not only did he whip out his flask, but he kept adding more of whatever was in it to his drink to make it more and more potent- because showing off how much alcohol you can take is so very attractive to women.

He asked me about the previous night, and I again explained that my phone had died and I had had tickets, and I didn’t understand his plans, when he cuts me off and said. Yeah he waited to pick me up but it’s a good thing that we didn’t meet up as he PASSED OUT in the car that he wanted to drive me home in. I can really pick ‘em, can’t I? So I asked him what he did for a living. Given that he’s sneaking drinks and is over 40 and has several roommates, I’m guessing, that whatever it is, he’s not at the top of his field. Now, if you can’t describe what you do for a living in two words or less, then just be honest with the world and say you don’t have a fucking job and you’re a dead beat who’s not interested in working , just scamming the system, just be honest with yourself—or at least me. He noted several times that he felt an instant connection between us (obviously his sensors were way off) and wondered why he could never move beyond a first meeting. I would loved to have spelled it out for him, but not wanting to prolong the painful evening, I kept my mouth shut. As he continued to complain about women and his life I tried to drown my beer as quickly as possible. When the bartender cane over to ask us if we wanted anything else, I blurted our “NO” before he could order another Ginger Ale and begged for the check. Now, I have a rule that if I’m so incredibly turned off by a guy, I’ll pay my own way no hemming or hawing, just an insistence that I’m going to give the establishment money in exchange for the items I consumed, I’m not offering to pay for them, just myself. I don’t want to owe anyone anything especially if that person repulses me. So I slapped down a $20 bill-which more then would have covered my one drink and tip and should have yielded some change—-when my very classy date grabbed my money, stuffed it in his wallet, took out his debit card and paid the bill not leaving a tip. So basically, I paid him for such a memorable and lovely evening. I was stunned and literally speechless. So while in shock, I grabbed my stuff and started to hightail it to my car, while the asshole trailed behind me. He’s going on and on about how great the evening went (I pity his other evenings that this one was so great in comparison to others) and I’m rushing to get inside the car and get away from him, I say good bye (no, “I’ll see you later” or “it was nice”) just a regular plain “Good Bye” and left.

As soon as I got home I texted him that he should never contact me again, blocked him from my media and I realize that I should have told him what he did wrong so he could never impose his Neanderthalic manners on anyone else...but I didn’t, so I would like to formally apologize to anyone who is unfortunate enough to encounter him. I’m so very very sorry.