#baddates

Robert* reminds me of Peter*, in which, there’s confusion about names, the vibes are never quite right, and the date is pretty short. Though in this case, although we did talk for a longer time than Peter* and I did, the date itself was even shorter, a whopping 45 minutes.

Initially, Robert* likes me first on Hinge. His profile is not necessarily a slam dunk for me. He looks decent looking, though not my usual type, and has a chain bakery listed as to where he works. I like to think I am not a snob when it comes to careers, I’m pretty open-minded, but I do want to be with someone who has ambition and can have intelligent conversations with me since I am pretty well educated. Basically, someone around my level of thinking.

I decided to give the guy a chance and respond to his like by mentioning that I really like cookies at the place he works. He mentions that we could have a first date there and I responded by asking if he has dates with girls at his work often. He tells me he has only been working there a few weeks, so no. We legitimately talk about the different kinds of cookies for a while, then he moves on to ask me about what else I like. I mention my dog, then share that I space out and have trouble thinking on the spot and ask him about himself to see if it will also remind me of other things I like. He talks about seeing friends and playing video games, adds he “Doesn’t get out much.” Without missing a beat, he asks me what I’m looking for on dating apps. The dreaded question. I ask him to tell me first. My reasoning being, I feel like many men will cater their answers to what you want, instead of telling the truth. He writes me a long answer then gives me a TL;DR (too long; didn’t read) that is maybe ⅔ the length of the original message, so not that short, that says “going with the flow, down for a consistent [friends with benefits] or relationship, whatever happens, just not a one-night stand.” He announces it is then my turn to respond. I tell him I feel more or less the same, as his original longer message, but that I am not as much interested in the friends with benefits thing. Specifically, I say that with FWB, there needs to be an opportunity, or “nahhh.” I say that expectations only bring hardship and lightheartedly say I like to ask super important questions early in relationships, i.e. like my survey/application from way back when, and add “like cookie choices.” He asks me to clarify my opportunity or nahhh and says he is an open book and I can ask him anything. I explain my feelings more, saying that I don’t see the point of sticking around if someone is dead set on not wanting a relationship with me, as well as it is usually temporary and almost like a holding pattern. I ask my most important question, which is if someone wants children or not.

I get a slight argument back from him, regarding the FWB thing, saying that it can turn into more. I argue back, saying that it is still something that needs to be wanted, or at least both parties from the start can think “maybe someday.” He says this and that about the FWB, before answering my question. He says, more or less, he is open to it but it isn’t a necessity for him, however, he definitely doesn’t want kids right now. He asks me how I feel about it and I express I do not want them but would be open to adoption. He says that’s fine with him and quickly says, “Any other questions.” I am not meaning for this to be an interview. I say I do have a question, but that it is more of an open-ended/ statement that can be responded to. All I say for my “question” is the phrase “trump.” I also let him know I am going to sleep soon so we can continue our conversation in the morning. He does not like my question, that is that he says it is too vague and isn’t helpful for political discussions. I tell him that is my point, and that I am looking for him to express his feelings and that I can either oppose, agree, or somewhere in between. He says likely there would be all three. I go to sleep so I do not respond.

He greets me in the morning with a good morning. I greet him back, though I remind him I am still waiting on his opinions. It is a Saturday, so I also let him know I am about to present for a Zoom conference. He says he’s at a rowing camp and on a break from that, then asks me about my conference. He again requests that I be more specific than just “Saying one word.” I tell him about the conference, but regarding the political question, I send an eye-rolling emoji again saying that that is the point of the open forum, that I am looking for a blanket statement of his feelings regarding Trump.

He again asks about my presentation, and how it went, then goes on to give a pretty neutral debate, saying there’s good and bad, though it seems he veers more towards being a Trump fan, which is not my preference. Robert* offers to me that I can ask any questions about his stance. I am thinking, I do not need an invitation, I have a question and I will ask it.

Robert* inquires what I am doing the rest of the night. I say I’m staying in as I am going to Disney World the next day. I ask him what he is going to do the rest of the night, as that is the societally polite thing to do. I am asked AGAIN if I have any questions to ask him. He also says that he “wanted to do something with someone tonight. Chill night in maybe? Not necessarily sexual. Just relaxing, drinking some wine maybe.” My response is “haha sorry i don’t think i’ll be ‘someone’ today,” both calling him out on obviously being thirsty, as well and reiterating I am not planning on going out tonight. He admits defeat, saying that he didn’t think I would be either, but it was “worth a shot to ask.” However, he does say he does want to get together sometime.

Immediately before I can even respond to that, though, he asks me where in Disney I am going tomorrow. I tell him that Monday I could look at my schedule and put together a time and day we could meet up. I also express that I do not want to meet him at either of our places, mostly because of the stunt he had just pulled. I tell him my Disney World plans as well. He says that it is fine to talk about going out on Monday and says that “that would’ve been the plan” to not hang out at either of our places, despite what he had just said earlier about having a chill night in. I call him out on this, reminding him that he had just said something different, his response being, “yes, sorry if that made you uncomfortable. Im horny as all hell but my intentions are good and i can keep it in my pants. I promise.” How romantic. I send a laughing emoji and say that we’ve all been there before. He says he didn’t want to cross the “TMI threshold,” wherein I say that it is difficult to TMI me, but that doesn't mean I won’t be judgemental. His next comment is awkward, as he invites me to judge, but says that he’s “done [his] fair share of crazy/dumb/slutty shit. As [he is] sure [I] have too.” Weird to accuse someone you are trying to woo of being a crazy dumb slut, but okay. I bring up that I had an abusive relationship but that even in that, I wasn’t completely devoid of wrongdoing. He asks if I am comfortable talking about that and is sympathetic. I tell him more about that and he asks for some of the red flags my ex but off that I ignored. For the billionth time, Robert* offers that if I have any more important questions that I can go ahead and ask. I briefly acknowledge he asked again, by saying “lol if they come up organically I’ll ask” before continuing to talk about my abusive ex. One of the things I mentioned was that my ex was very critical about my body habitus, that is, that I was too skinny. Robert* takes it upon himself to say, “ as far as your body, it seems like you have a great fucking body…. As long as you’re not unhealthy idgaf im attracted to you sooooo” then sends two heart-eyed emojis and a shrugging guy emoji. The line he draws is that his “hands are rated E for everyone,” the context being, if someone hit him he would hit back. I explained my body issues some more and that I have stomach issues, and have always been a small person. He misunderstands and thinks I’m talking about having abs or having a fatty stomach. With the context I felt I had given, I sent a bunch of question marks before adding that my stomach issues were internal. He apologizes a lot for misunderstanding and says he is glad I’m in a better situation.

In his mind, it’s now a great time to bring up that we should text or snap. I tell him that Snapchat is “for hoes” if you only talk on Snapchat. Referencing to myself Darren* mostly. He sends me his number and then I text him. The next day, I am off having a day with my friend at an amusement park. He texts me often throughout the day and I respond when I have a chance. My best friend is asking me “who is this one?” and by the time she asks this, I’m honestly getting a little annoyed. She’s still asking about John* and where he is at. “I don’t know what’s going on with him. We’re mad at him right now. He is doing that shit again. I have to play the game, you know?” I describe Robert* as being kind of needy. At one point, Robert* is texting and asking desperately when I’m free and when we can go out. I tell him “I’m still out I’m not focused on that right now” The overeagerness is kind of a turn-off. And as mentioned earlier, we had already agreed to plan things out on Monday, and it was Sunday. He responds “Ok nvm. We don’t have to talk about that. Sorry.” Maybe I was harsh but had to put this guy in his place. I get a barrage of questions about Disney World. I mention I’m wearing my hat like a frat boy. He responds jokingly, “disgusting, how dare you.” I continue the charade by saying “yep I haze the shit out of people.” Next, however, his response is too cringey, “Mmmm haze me frat mandy” and adds “I can go more cringe.” I reply, “no thanks.” I ignore him for the rest of the day and then when I get home I finally tell him 1) I’m home and 2) what days I’m available. He gets irritated as the two nights I am available, are the only nights he is working. I have some friends coming into town the next weekend as well, so I tell him I’m not really available since I want to hang out with them. We go back and forth on what to do then with our conflicting schedules. Finally, we agree upon doing something after my work, but before his work on one of the days, giving us a tight segment of time but that should be enough for more or less a meet and greet. Because he is the one that will have somewhere to go, I tell him that he’s in charge of the planning and logistics because I wanted to make sure he had enough time to get to work.

We chat superficially in the meantime, mostly about video games and a little about past relationships. And of course… more inviting me to ask questions again. He puts me on the spot regarding the date and is trying to make me plan. I put the responsibility back on him. Finally, he suggests a place he had been wanting to try, that is more or less like a juice bar that also does protein shakes, kind of a health shop. Not really my kind of place, but I’m making him do all the planning so I won’t argue. We both independently go on a search for menus/information. He makes a comment regarding finding the menu but no prices. He randomly comments while we are chatting about the place “have i ever said that youre really fucking cute,” to which I just respond “not like in those exact words.” He adds “but yea you are. I humbly brag, “thanks! I know this about myself.” Typical male response is, presumably joking, “ok you’re too cocky” “youre ugly” “gotta bring you down a peg.” To this I just say, “it’s called confidence/not being insecure.” He switches things around saying “i know confidence is sexy.”

I don’t respond to this and get a good morning text the next day and he makes small talk about how we slept and such. It is the day that I have a date with Timmy*, but of course Robert* doesn’t know this. He at one point texts me saying that his morning got really shitty. I ask him what’s wrong and all he says is “I’ll tell you about it later.” I wonder why people do this, like why bring it up if you aren’t gonna talk about it now? It all seems like a sort of test. I do not play these games. All I say in response is “ok.” He adds “if I don’t text you about it remind me.” I don’t respond. He texts me again asking how my work is going an hour-ish later. I say it’s hectic and he asks if I’m on lunch. I send him a message about not getting full lunch breaks. I don’t hear from him for almost five hours, and given his text earlier about his bad day, I figured something could be wrong given how clingy via text he usually is. I finally text him and ask if he is ok. He says he took a nap and asked again about work, making a point that it was better than his day. Enough of the baiting, I finally say snarkily, “yeah you still have to tell me [what happened.” He is hyping it up now, saying “fair warning - its sad” I don’t respond because I figure he would still go on and tell me what happens and it didn’t warrant a response, but then he adds “if you still want to know” a few minutes later. I honestly don’t care too much, “if you want to tell me.” He finally does tell me what happened, and essentially he saw a dog be hit by a car and had tried to help it with someone else who saw the hit but the dog, unfortunately, didn’t make it. I commend him on trying to help and he says that he did the right thing and that’s why his day sucked. I don’t really know how to respond to that, plus at this point, I am getting ready for my date.

I lie to him when he asks me about my night, saying that I am chilling. More small talk to my disgust, and I verify our plans for the next day. He makes a comment about not being able to see the prices anywhere. This seems to be a worry of his for whatever reason, so I tell him that we can do something else and that I am flexible. He is of no help, as all he says about this is “idk what else we’d do.” My response is “ok” and I say I’m going to bed. In the morning it is finally the day of our date and I let him know that unfortunately I forgot to bring a change of clothes with me to work, so I’ll be wearing my work outfit tonight. He makes a comment about how he’s never seen a cute girl not look good in scrubs, and I let him know that today is the day that changes.

During the day, he states he is thinking of driving by to check the prices of the drinks and that he’s also got a back up. I tell him he should do whatever he wants. I look the places up and they are about 25 minutes away from my work. I head on that way once my work is done and I arrive first. I wait in my car until he texts me to ask which car is mine. I get out of my car and grab my things, now realizing I parked next to a puddle of water and got my shoes a little wet. I laugh it off and say oh well. I see who I presume to be him getting out of a car on the other side of the parking lot. He’s wearing a light pink hoodie, a little different but hey, real men wear pink, right?

I approach him and say hello and give him a hug. We get our masks on and walk into the store. Immediately we are greeted by who I can only assume is the owner of the shop. He is bright and happy and gives us his spiel about the type of beverages they have there. Robert* is being very quiet and is very short with the worker, saying he doesn’t know what he wants and I should go first. I try to describe what I’m going for, and the worker says the exact thing on the menu I want is unavailable due to a delayed shipment, but suggests something else to me and I accept with recommendation. I am done ordering apparently too quickly, as my date is still undecided. The owner ends up just asking him if he likes snickers, the candy bar, and he gives a not-very-believable “Yeah” so the owner suggests to him a shake that is based on those flavor patterns. Robert* is asked if we’re paying together and I look to him, he lets out an apathetic, “sure” and it takes all of my energy not to scoff. The owner tells us that they’re giving discounts out if you advertise the location by sharing a photo on social media and I agree to do so, because why not.

Then it gets a little uncomfortable. The owner is trying to be extra personable and make it a personalized experience, so upon receiving Robert*’s card, he starts referring to him using his name that is on his card. The only thing is, the name I know him by is not the name on the card, nor any fort of that name, like a typical nickname. Under my face mask, I smile and almost laugh to myself like, you dumb bitch who are you even out with rihgt now. Additional peer pressure from the owner also leads to us giving him our emails and signing up for their loyalty program, which also knocks off some cents off our drink. When I give him mine, obviously everything is the same, but when he gives his email, his email does have the name that I knew him by in the address, so I figure okay maybe Robert* is a middle name or something. Because we were under one order, there was also some sort of combo discount included as well since he got a shake and, I, a tea.

As we walk away from the counter and take a seat on a couch maybe 10 feet away, Robert* abruptly asks “what do you think the damage is?” Immediately pulling out his phone and checking the receipt of our drinks. “Uh I don’t know…. Sixteen dollars,” I guess. I am honestly put off by his obsession on price. I understand money issues, but it is not appropriate for first date behavior. I am pretty close, as it is somewhere in the mid $15 range. He scoffs at the prices.

Now that we are sitting together, I am noticing really how disheveled and not put together he looks. He has overgrown stubble, too short to be a beard, but definitely not stubble from just the day. His skin all over his face and body is dry and flaky, especially on his ears. Again, I expect a little more from a man who has had days to prepare for this date. I have been sipping my drink for a while, and it is honestly delicious, one of the best beverages I’ve ever had. He asks if I would like to try his drink. “No thank you, I don’t think it would go well with my fruity drink,” I half lie. The major reason why is that I am weird about sharing drinks/food and that so far I am almost repulsed by him and don’t want to share anything with him.

Despite my lack of optimism already, I try my best to be upbeat and give him a chance. I am trying to start a conversation and ask him questions and get to know him more, but he is a brick wall. He’s just staring at me and not saying anything, occasionally taking sips from his shake. Many of his responses are very sarcastic and rude. He actually brings up the ears; he had a very bad sunburn and that’s why they looked like that. Doesn’t explain the rest of his look though, but at least he was aware of that. It is pretty warm in the shop. I already opted to leave my jacket in the car, but at one point he decided to take off his sweatshirt. Underneath was a red shirt with almost like a confetti cake type pattern, of little microscopic dots of different colors throughout. I compliment the shirt, and mention I have one of a similar type of fabric pattern. I am nodded at. I again continue to try and force conversation, but I am still getting nothing.

Randomly he says, “come here” and puts his arm around me, pulling me close. I am extremely confused, as I was getting very negative vibes from him all over. I make my confusion known by commenting about how that was out of nowhere. His only response is, “oh you know.” “No, I do not know. I have no idea what is going on right now.” He only just chuckles and is like “you’re a cute girl.” I furrow my brow in confusion and figure we should get some air and suggest we take a walk. I ran to my car and put the drink in my car as well as my bag, being light, only having my phone and car keys for the walk. We take off and just walk through a nearby neighborhood. We have maybe 10-15 more minutes until he has to get going so he can get to work in time.

Conversation is still moderately forced, but a little better. At one point, we come up to a tree where the branches overhang drastically over the sidewalk. Whereas before I had been walking on the street side, Robert* has swung around and walked into the street, whereas I choose just to duck under the branches, which is easier with me being shorter, although I would not say he is very tall either. I made a comment about not caring and that he could have just “pushed me into the street/out of the way” and continued on, jokingly, about how you have to put a woman in their place. He says “okay noted I see what you like now,” trying to turn it into something sexual, it seems. I pause a moment, becoming much more serious when I say, “you know I’m kidding. I’ve told you about my abusive relationship so obviously I am not a fan of battering women.” In this moment, he pulls me into an embrace and tries to kiss me. I lean away and ask him, “why is talking about abusing women the time to try and kiss me?” He makes an excuse saying that he just really wanted to kiss me. I lie again, making another excuse about why I don’t want to kiss him, “I’m more old fashioned I guess, I’d like to get to know someone a little better and make sure that we are compatible and know each other well before I do anything.” Again, not entirely untrue. For the five hundredth or so time, Robert* says that I can ask him any questions.

I check my watch and declare, accurately, “We should probably head back towards our cars, you need to head out soon.” We walk back to the parking lot, having idle chitter chatter. When we get to my car, it’s perfect timing, as an alarm he had set to make sure he left on time goes off. I start to say our goodbyes and he tells me again that he wants to kiss me. I make a noise that makes my discomfort known, and he says, “well what about a kiss on the cheek?” I say verbatim, “I’ll allow it.” He makes a sarcastic comment, mocking me about “allowing it.” I retorted back saying, “well yeah.” He sticks to his word and only does a cheek kiss, and I’m cringing and can’t wait to wash my face when I get home. Being polite, I ask for him to let me know when he gets to work.

Using my Apple Carplay, I ask my car to text him when I notice he is driving behind me. Though, as all I’m getting is audio, I don’t know exactly what I am texting until I get home later.

(the first two texts of mine are my car texting and not manually)

Immediately, he asks me my feelings about him.

I then offered Venmo him money for my drink, as obviously money was a huge concern for him. He accepts and sends me his Venmo. I sent him the money and let him know so.

Well guys, it finally happened.  

After 3 years of online dating, I was finally *gulps* CATFISHED!!!!  Grab a seat and lemme tell you what happened…

So Friday evening a guy sends me a message.  Very sweet and kind of original, so I responded.  No, I did not find him super attractive, but I was at home bored… so why not?  We messaged back and forth over the weekend.  He made me laugh and seemed to get my sense of humor.  The conversation was flowing smoothly, so on Sunday afternoon when he wrote:

“Hey, I like you. Would you like to meet up for a movie tonight?”

I thought to myself again, sure! Why not?  Yes, it was pretty fast and I didn’t know much about him, but I liked that he was direct.  After messaging some guys for 2 weeks who never make a plan, this was a welcomed change.

From here, things took an immediate turn for the worse…

We exchange numbers and he starts texting me.  I said something silly and he responded “hehe”… Ummmmmmmm eww!  I was annoyed.  A man saying “hehe”?!  Gross. Now I’m having a battle in my mind like *Am I overreacting?  Maybe I’m overreacting…  Everyone has different sayings they like.  Hehe isn’t far from haha Tiara, it’s okay!* I convinced myself that I was easily annoyed because Aunt Flo was on her way to town, so I brushed it off. But really….. ewwwww….

We confirm the venue, movie, and time we’ll be meeting up (Fate of the Furious, West Hell, TX, and 5:45).  I dozed off since I had an hour to spare (my version of Sunday Funday) and wake up to 3 messages.  From him.  But, whatevs.  No biggie.  First message: screenshot confirming ticket purchase.  Cool.  Second message (15 mins later): “U coming?”  Sir.  We already discussed this.  Chill.  Third Message (another 15 mins later): “Sooooo…”  Listen pal.  RELAX.  I responded that I’d meet him there and received the reply “U sure?”.

Annoyance.  I’ve told you twice.  I wanted to cancel right then, but… *insert bleeding heart Tiara* I thought about him already purchasing the tickets… He’s just nervous.  Or is it insecurity?  Never going out with him if he’s insecure.  Been there, done that, no can fix!  I ask why he asked if I’m sure and says “Haha, No reason.  Are you hungry?”.  Smart move fella.  Smart move.

He already knows that food can fix almost any of my problems

He distracted me from questioning him about whether he had insecurity issues

He offered to feed me, which I learned on my last date with a guy from the same site, isn’t always guaranteed… but that’s a story for another time

Fast forward through several more messages, him calling to see where I was wayyyyyy before I needed to leave the house (dude, I’m really coming), and me getting ready, to me in the car.  I’m speeding because I’m me, which means I’m late.  I pull up at the theater and let him know I’m parking.  He tells me what he’s wearing and I do the same so that we can identify one another.  He’s wearing a Texans shirt and blue jeans.  Me?  Glad ya asked  :)  I’m wearing cute semi-torn jeans, a cute top with big gold elephant earrings and Foxy (my fro) is looking as healthy and big as she ever has.  I even painted each of my 5 eyelashes, so I looked like somebody.  Somebody gawgeous and sexy!  First impressions, right??  

This should have been super easy.  Buuuuuuuuuuuut I stood in the lobby, scanning and scanning and I couldn't find him.  I felt like I could feel someone staring at me, so turned to look in that direction.  I scanned again and again, and I finally saw him.  Alllllllll of him.  Well, let’s just say that someone forgot to mention that they’d gained a bit of weight since their last photo update.   He stood there and waved in his well- worn Texans t-shirt and dingy, baggy, floor-dragging jeans.  Really sir???  Who are you and the 3 friends you consumed???  This is all the effort you put into meeting me???  Friends say I should have left right then, or told him off about not using a current photo of himself, but *inserts bleeding heart Tiara* I couldn’t bring myself to make an already awkward situation any worse.  So I smiled:

He gave me a half hug and turned to hand me the food and drinks he bought for me.  Mind racing, I numbly followed him to the theater and to our seats and sat down.  Thankfully, the previews were already on, so no talking!  We watched the movie, and it was a pretty good, action packed one.  He offered to share his food and M&Ms with me a few times, but I politely declined.  When the movie finally ended, he walked me out to my car and we had a few seconds of small talk until I reminded him that I needed to get home and wash my hair.  (I’d already told him about washing my hair earlier that day before he asked to take me out)  He half hugged me again and thanked me for coming.   He was very sweet through the entire thing.  Sweet or not, I was pissed that the person I’d been talking to online was not who showed up.  

I couldn’t even make it out of the parking lot before calling my bestie to vent!  She and her boyfriend shared a few tips to help me prevent being catfished again, but nothing can really stop someone who is determined  (as we’ve seen on the TV show).  At least I can laugh about it now!  Moral of the story: ahhhh forget it.  I’m not gonna learn much from this.  Just gonna let the tragedies occur so I can keep telling yall about it.  

After my epic meltdown at Yankee Stadium and the chaos that followed, I thought I was ready for anything. And by anything, I mean diving headfirst into the dating pool while still emotionally volatile, slightly mad, and fully unfiltered. October was a playground, and I was determined to see what kind of men were left to entertain me. Spoiler alert: the men were mostly disasters, with a few rare…

Awkward First Dates: How Humanity Keeps Fumbling the Opening Act of Romance

The glorious mess of love’s opening scene—now SEO-optimized for your emotional catastrophe Welcome to SpinTaxi.com, where awkward first dates aren't just embarrassing—they’re a sacred rite of passage for humanity, ranking just below “accidentally replying-all” and slightly above “calling your teacher ‘mom’ in fourth grade.” Today, we plunge into the uncomfortable, tragicomic swamp that is awkward first dates, that universal experience where flirting meets failure and everyone leaves slightly more self-aware and significantly more dehydrated. Let’s dim the lights, cue the emotional baggage, and begin the slow-motion trainwreck. The Ancient Origins of Awkward First Dates Anthropologists believe the awkward first date may predate fire. Cave paintings in southern France depict two early humans sitting silently across from each other, with a speech bubble reading “So… what do you do?” next to a thought bubble reading “Kill me.” By 500 BCE, the Greeks formalized first-date awkwardness. Plato writes in The Symposium of a man who brings olives and discourse, only to find his date is already emotionally committed to her horse. A Babylonian cuneiform tablet reads: “She brought goat stew. I brought a harp. We both cried. Then she ghosted me.” Humanity has always stumbled through romance with the grace of a goat in stilettos. Dating Apps: Where Awkwardness Goes to Scale Modern awkward first dates now begin online. Algorithms pair people using mysterious calculations that seem to prioritize dental alignment and shared trauma over compatibility. After 47 hours of witty banter and emoji exchanges, a date is set. The awkwardness starts the moment you realize your “6'1'' outdoorsy intellectual” is a 5'6'' man who once read The Da Vinci Code in a Bass Pro Shops parking lot. And you? You're a “sarcastic bookworm who likes sushi,” which he reads as “emotionally unavailable pescatarian with judgmental eyebrows.” Welcome to the romantic gulag of awkward first dates. The Restaurant Ritual: A Temple of Mutual Discomfort The dinner date is the colosseum of romantic misfires. You are seated at a table with poor lighting, poor acoustics, and poorer decisions. There’s always that moment when the waiter says, “Can I start you off with some drinks?” and you both freeze like it’s a hostage negotiation. You order a martini to calm your nerves. They order milk. You question your life. They ask if you’ve “ever been in love with a reptile.” There is no recovery. And the menus? Nothing says sexual tension like mispronouncing “gnocchi” while locking eyes across a sea of regret and marinara. Fashion Disasters: Wardrobe Meets War Crime Awkward first dates demand a wardrobe crisis. He wears cologne that smells like gasoline and desperation. She wears heels she can’t walk in and a blazer she can’t move in. Someone inevitably sweats through their silk shirt trying to open a door that says “PUSH.” An informal survey conducted by the American Academy of Dating Sociology (AADS) found that 67% of awkward first dates end prematurely due to "outfit incompatibility." Socks with sandals. Turtlenecks in July. Crocs described as "ironic." It’s a crime scene from the Fashion CSI files. Small Talk, Big Regrets The first 30 minutes of a first date are dedicated to Advanced Small Talk. The goal: not to scream or confess your credit score. "So, what do you do?""I'm in tech.""Cool. Like, what kind?""I moderate Reddit fights about quantum computing.""...Romantic." Small talk is a carefully curated trauma dump. You want to sound interesting, but not like someone who live-tweeted their colonoscopy. And yet, somehow, it always ends with one of you oversharing about your uncle who faked his own death at a Chili’s in Tampa. The Political Landmine Moment At some point, someone says something about taxes, healthcare, or Elon Musk, and boom: you're no longer on a date—you're on Crossfire. She mentions voting. He mentions freedom. She brings up climate change. He mentions how cows are the real threat. She slowly reaches for the emergency pepper spray. A Pew Research poll showed that 89% of Americans have left a date early due to the phrase, “I’m not political, but…” It’s the social equivalent of saying, “I’m not contagious, but my rash is shaped like Florida.” Food Ordering Disasters: A Culinary Comedy Ordering food on a first date is a bizarre performance of economic humility and gustatory theatre. “I’ll just get a salad,” says one, pretending not to be ravenous.“Same,” says the other, whose stomach is audibly growling.Then the waiter says, “We’re out of lettuce,” and panic sets in. One orders spaghetti. The other orders ribs. Sauce flies. Shirts are ruined. Someone tries to flirt with a breadstick. One woman told SpinTaxi.com: “He ordered a single grape as an appetizer. Said he was ‘intermittent fasting spiritually.’ I ordered nachos. He asked if that was a red flag.” Yes. Yes, it was. Bathroom Escapes and Window Checks There is always a moment on an awkward first date when one party goes to the bathroom and contemplates using the restroom window to escape. In upscale restaurants, the window is too small. In dive bars, there is no window—just a motivational sign that says, “You’re Worthy of Love!” In a SpinTaxi.com reader poll, 34% admitted to thinking about climbing out the bathroom window on a bad date. Another 12% tried. One succeeded, leading to a short-lived but wildly successful podcast titled Swipe, Dip, and Dash. The Overconfident Kiss Attempt At the end of the night, when all signs say “Do not,” one brave fool attempts a kiss. It’s often framed like a romantic climax but feels more like a dental appointment held in a haunted parking lot. You lean in. They lean away. You pretend you weren’t leaning. They pretend they don’t notice your forehead hitting their ear. As romantic consultant Sheena Rawlins told SpinTaxi.com: “The end-of-date kiss should be illegal without a unanimous jury decision. Otherwise, you’re just playing sexual Jenga with no blocks left.” Payment Politics: Who Pays, Who Prays Ah, the check arrives. Both parties immediately become actors in an unpaid improv skit called Financial Modesty. One reaches. The other slaps their hand. Both pretend they want to pay. Neither actually wants to pay. Eventually, someone says, “Wanna split it?” and the romance dies like a goldfish in warm tap water. Venmo has made this worse. Now you can argue about the exact tax and tip for a shared calamari while a digital receipt judges you in Helvetica. Friends’ Reactions: Judgment and Mockery After the date, you debrief with friends. They ask important questions like “Did you have fun?” and “Did you check for felony convictions?” You say, “It wasn’t that bad,” which is first-date code for “I wish I’d been hit by a Segway.” Your friends immediately do an FBI-level background check on the person and discover their third cousin once tweeted “Nickelback is underrated.” You are never allowed to speak to them again. The Follow-Up Text Fiasco Nothing is more delicate than the follow-up text. Too soon? Desperate. Too late? Ghosted. Too witty? Try-hard. Too basic? Middle school energy. You send: “Hey! Had fun last night. :)”They reply: “New phone who dis?”You delete all apps, retreat into a burrito of shame, and whisper: “At least I got free chips.” What the Funny People Are Saying “First dates are like job interviews with wine and lies.”—Jerry Seinfeld “I once had a date where she brought her emotional support turtle. Halfway through, I realized she meant me.”—Ron White “You know it’s going bad when your appetizer is more engaging than your date.”—Amy Schumer “I wore cologne called ‘Desperado.’ That should’ve been a red flag. For both of us.”—Larry David Why We Keep Doing It Anyway Despite the horror, humans continue to pursue awkward first dates like moths chasing bug zappers. Why? Because we’re romantics. We believe the next date might be the one, or at least less terrible than the last. Sociologists say awkward first dates are a modern form of hazing—if you can survive 45 minutes of someone quoting Jordan Peterson over crème brûlée, you're strong enough for love. And sometimes… sometimes, the awkwardness is mutual, adorable, and just human enough to be charming. One woman wrote to SpinTaxi.com: “We both spilled soup. We both cried laughing. We both pretended to like ska. We’re getting married in November.” Sources: How Many Times Can One Woman Say “LOL” Before a Date Ends It AllA linguistics professor from UC Berkeley tracked a woman who said "LOL" aloud 37 times during a 45-minute dinner. Her date reportedly called an Uber under the table after the 22nd “LOL.” The woman later defended herself saying, “It’s how I cope with silence... and men who say ‘crypto.’” Breadstick Confessions: First Date Body Language Experts Speak OutPsychologists agree: if your date hugs the breadbasket like it’s a flotation device, they’re either emotionally unavailable or just really into carbs. One woman was seen slow-dipping her breadstick in ranch while maintaining zero eye contact, prompting experts to call it “carbohydrate-based self-soothing.” Awkward Date Leads to Accidental Engagement, Woman Too Polite to DeclineA man proposed on the first date as a “joke,” but the woman, unable to process conflict while chewing calamari, nodded. They’re now legally engaged in two states. When asked why she didn’t say no, she replied, “I was raised Catholic and he already paid for dessert.” Man Says "Namaste" Instead of "Hello" and Never RecoversA yoga instructor mistakenly greeted his date with “Namaste” and a full bow, knocking over a scented candle and shattering the restaurant’s ambience. His date, a jiu-jitsu instructor, replied with, “Bless your chakras,” and ordered two bourbons to drown the energy. Love at First Sip... of Someone Else’s DrinkA woman accidentally sipped from her date’s mojito, sparking a brief but passionate five-minute romance before realizing she was seated at the wrong table. The actual date arrived late and was disappointed to learn she had emotionally bonded with a stranger’s straw. Bathroom Window Too Small for Dignified Escape, Says Local WomanA woman attempted to flee her Tinder date during his 20-minute monologue on NFTs, only to discover the gastropub’s bathroom window was decorative. She returned to the table bruised and defeated. The man reportedly said, “No worries, I talk to myself all the time.” Date Night Disaster: Man Brings Resume Instead of FlowersAttempting to impress a corporate consultant, a man arrived with a printed résumé instead of flowers. He referred to himself as a “Team Player with Passion for Synergy.” She left mid-salad. He later updated his CV to include “Experience with heartbreak.” Barista Forced to Mediate Awkward Coffee DateA barista in Austin stepped in to referee a date when both parties refused to define "vibe." One ordered a hot chai “as hot as this situation,” the other asked for an “iced existential crisis.” The barista awarded neither a second date and charged extra for emotional labor. Woman Pretends to Enjoy Tapas, Forgets She's Allergic to OlivesIn an attempt to seem adventurous, a woman agreed to tapas despite a mild olive allergy. Three bites in, she began to swell “like a romantic balloon,” according to the waiter. Her date googled antihistamines while muttering, “This is going better than last week.” Local Man Misreads Vibe, Proposes Marriage Over Mozzarella SticksA man interpreted a shared mozzarella stick as “divine cosmic alignment” and proposed with a plastic ring from the restaurant’s kid’s menu. She said yes out of pity, then asked if he had a therapist. He said, “I am a therapist.” She ran. Final Thoughts Awkward first dates aren’t glitches in the dating system—they are the system. They’re the mess before the meaning, the blooper reel before the box set. And while we may cringe, cry, and occasionally crawl out of a bathroom window, we also learn. Usually not much. But sometimes… enough to try again. Auf Wiedersehen, lovers. And remember: if your date says, “I brought my mom,” don’t panic. Just ask if she’s paying.