#darc light

Thursday we hit a speed bump (figuratively, of course). Sir had a really bad day at work, his stress level was extremely high, and I needed to give him space for a while. “Space” meant not texting him throughout the day like I usually do, not interrupting him to ask his guidance on things I could decide on my own, and in general just not being as physically and emotionally involved in everything he was doing. And while that may sound like an easy thing to do, it really threw me off balance.

For the last few days, I haven’t been myself with him. I’ve been almost (I cringe to say this) pouty. I stopped doing all the ‘extra’ things in our D/s, reverting back instead to only following our explicitly defined rules and protocols. He wasn’t doing anything to deserve that kind of guarded behavior from me, but I still couldn’t quite figure out how to let down the walls I’d hastily constructed and let him back in.

Last night, I got upset by something that happened after dinner. It wasn’t a big deal really, yet I couldn’t stop thinking about it all evening. When we were finally alone in our room, Sir asked if I was mad at him. I explained that I wasn’t, I was just... mad, in general. He let me talk through it a bit but ultimately I wasn’t working through it and I wasn’t letting go of it either; I was stuck. So he told me instead of sitting in my regular spot, I was going to sit on the floor at his feet to remind me of my place. And when I was ready, I could ask for permission to come back to my spot.

I was still feeling stubborn, but knew better than to argue. So I sat at his feet with every intention of staying there and not ever asking to move. Then he started stroking my hair. I rested my head on his knee and wrapped my arms around his leg. I felt myself starting to come back to him. Before long I asked and received permission to sit in my spot at his side. I snuggled up close to him in a way I hadn’t been able to in days.

*TW surgical procedure, needles, pain

Today was a rough day for me. I finally had the Mohs procedure to remove cancerous cells from my nose that were identified a few months back. Originally, I had debated whether I needed Sir to go with me to the appointment at all. Part of me felt like this was a minor procedure and it didn’t warrant him taking time off work. But he had heard the uncertainty in my voice and to him there was never a question. I am so grateful bc it ended up being far more intense than I anticipated.

Prior to the appointment, Sir made sure I had everything I might need; snacks, a drink, something to read, etc. Once we got there, he quietly stood guard as I was numbed up and the first layer of tissue was removed. I thought I did pretty good that first round. The numbing needles hurt (you aren’t numb when they stick them in and the nose is so sensitive) and cauterizing the blood vessels caused a terrible smell, but overall it went well.

We waited less than an hour before finding out the results. Thankfully, they’d gotten all the cancer cells on the first cut. My relief however, ended up being short-lived. The surgeon went on to describe the options that we had to choose from next to leave the least amount of scarring (keeping in mind, this could permanently alter how I look). I chose the method that didn’t involve stitches or skin grafts, but instead used, I kid you not, surgical sandpaper. Things got intense after that. The numbing took so many injections on the top of my nose, my cheek, my septum, inside... ugh. There were tears pouring down my cheeks. I whimpered, I stomped my feet on the table, I nearly broke down sobbing, it was bad. Sir stood by me the whole time, holding my hand, telling me what a good job I was doing in his calm, reassuring voice. When the surgeon came back and Sir couldn’t stand at my side any more, he moved to the foot of the table and firmly squeezed my legs (he later said he wished he could have used rope to hold me, but his hands proved to be just as calming).

The pain and endorphins from that procedure were as much, if not more than, any intense scene. As soon as I was released, I was in Sir’s care. He sheltered me with his body as we walked out, he kept a hand on me as we drove home, then he tucked me in to rest with my blanket, stuffie, and a hot cup of tea.

This is the dominance I often fail to put words to when people ask me about our D/s. He is my daily protector and my strength. He helps me be brave when I need to but also gives me a safe place to fall apart. He’s not just here for the floggers and blow jobs (though those are definitely perks), he’s here for the tough times too. He shows up and puts in the work every single day.

What helps me get through, day after day, is focusing on the things that I do have control over. For example:

I can’t stop time and keep my kiddo from going off to college, but I can talk to her about how our relationship will change and how I can best support her.

I can’t control whether or not I get a serious illness, but I can try to incorporate healthy practices into my life and accept help from people who care about me when I do get sick.

I can’t magically fix the friction that comes with adding another adult to our household, but I can commit to communicating as openly and honestly as possible, and acknowledge that this is a challenging situation for all of us.

I cannot stop my mom’s progressive illness, but I can encourage my parents to utilize their Palliative Care options and genuinely listen when they express their fears and frustrations.

I cannot carry Sir’s burdens for him. I cannot ‘fix’ his mental health, but I can give him a safe space to feel what he’s feeling and a firm nudge to reach out for professional help when it’s needed.

This world is pretty damn ridiculous right now tbh. But even though there are many things I cannot control, I have to remember that I am not powerless and I am not alone.

I might not be the only one who needs that reminder right now, so if you need to hear it, here you go-

You know, I don’t actually! I’d be happy to share.

I imagine @sous-sir and I got started in our dynamic the way most vanilla-to-D/s couples do - blindly and fumbling our way through!

It started with me reading everything I could get my hands on about D/s and eventually getting brave enough to mention some of those things to him. When he didn’t immediately run screaming, I started sharing more things and sending him links. Eventually I asked him if D/s was something we could do. I believe his initial response was, “I’m not really into spitting on people and slapping them.” Just goes to show how little either of us actually knew about D/s dynamics (and how little we had explored our kinks!). He didn’t give me an answer for a couple weeks and I remember the pure agony of waiting during that time. I was sure he was going to say no, 100% convinced that my loving, supportive husband would not be interested in being a ‘Dom’ as I understood them to be from what I’d read online. And yet, every so often he would circle back to the conversation and ask a question or clarify something. He had been doing his own research and trying to be certain he could provide what I was asking for before he committed. I know I was frustrated with waiting at the time but in hindsight I appreciate how seriously he took the request and the commitment he was making.

One thing that was really helpful for us was GGDR’s post on full-spectrum dynamics. It was the first description of D/s Sir really connected with and it gave us an idea of how we might want our own dynamic/relationship to look. That’s pretty much how we started our dynamic - knowing just the tip of the iceberg about D/s and flying by the seat of our pants!

There’s a lot more that could be said about that first year (more than I can capture here tbh), but here are some of my personal takeaways:

- Most of the portrayals you see of Dominants and submissives are crafted to fit a stereotype- ignore them, find your own identity.

- No matter how long you’ve been in a relationship, subfrenzy is real and it will find you! Slow your ass down and take time to enjoy the journey.

- You may come to your partner with all sorts of ideas about rules and punishments and gods know what else, but someone who is truly leading will make their own decisions. Don’t be offended if your partner goes a completely different direction than you had in mind; this is part of learning to trust their lead.

- People don’t all learn the same way. Reading and talking about things might work for me, but Sir needs to see and do. Our dynamic (and our kink) grew exponentially when we got involved with our local community. If this option is available to you, take advantage of it!

- It’s okay if a Dom doesn’t jump at the first test chance you give them to ‘pick your panties’ or whatever else. Dominance has different styles and Doms have different motivations, take the time to learn about your partner and what kind of Dominance feels right to them.

Having people you engage in kinky activities with (having play partners) is not the same as submitting to them.

You can bottom for rope with a play partner without being their submissive.

You can top for wax with a play partner without being their dominant.

Having a play partner does not mean you are their sexual or romantic partner.

You can be sexually monogamous with your partner/spouse and have non-sexual relationships with other people.

If having play partners isn’t something you’re into, that is okay.

I do not submit to Sir because I am a woman.

I do not submit to Sir because I am his wife.

I have chosen my role as his submissive, just as he has chosen his role as my Dominant.

A fancy cook like @sous-sir uses fancy pots and pans (I believe they’re technically called cast-iron pans, Dutch ovens, and a wok, but for the purposes of this writing they will be collectively referred to as “fancy pans”). Every so often, Sir determines that these pans need special treatment. To do this, he spends hours scrubbing (he seriously used what I think was a Brillo pad attached to a drill), oiling, and heating these fancy pans. At the time of this writing, he’s been working at this process for a couple hours and I think he has half the pans finished. Pretty soon he will stop working on the pans and start cooking dinner. So he will spend another hour or more working away.

It’s hard for me to sit back and watch while he works so hard tbh. But, I cannot take care of the fancy pans as well as he does, and I cannot cook dinner for him (he makes the recipe up as he goes). I have to accept that there are things I cannot do.

Instead, I focus on what I can do for him. I can make sure the ingredients are prepped and ready for him to cook. I can wipe down the counter and remind him to take care of himself by drinking water.

And I can make sure his clothes are folded and put away so he has what he needs for work in the morning.