Do you have posts on how/why you got started on a D/s dynamic? If not could you explain how it evolved in your marriage? Thanks.
You know, I don’t actually! I’d be happy to share.
I imagine @sous-sir and I got started in our dynamic the way most vanilla-to-D/s couples do - blindly and fumbling our way through!
It started with me reading everything I could get my hands on about D/s and eventually getting brave enough to mention some of those things to him. When he didn’t immediately run screaming, I started sharing more things and sending him links. Eventually I asked him if D/s was something we could do. I believe his initial response was, “I’m not really into spitting on people and slapping them.” Just goes to show how little either of us actually knew about D/s dynamics (and how little we had explored our kinks!). He didn’t give me an answer for a couple weeks and I remember the pure agony of waiting during that time. I was sure he was going to say no, 100% convinced that my loving, supportive husband would not be interested in being a ‘Dom’ as I understood them to be from what I’d read online. And yet, every so often he would circle back to the conversation and ask a question or clarify something. He had been doing his own research and trying to be certain he could provide what I was asking for before he committed. I know I was frustrated with waiting at the time but in hindsight I appreciate how seriously he took the request and the commitment he was making.
One thing that was really helpful for us was GGDR’s post on full-spectrum dynamics. It was the first description of D/s Sir really connected with and it gave us an idea of how we might want our own dynamic/relationship to look. That’s pretty much how we started our dynamic - knowing just the tip of the iceberg about D/s and flying by the seat of our pants!
There’s a lot more that could be said about that first year (more than I can capture here tbh), but here are some of my personal takeaways:
- Most of the portrayals you see of Dominants and submissives are crafted to fit a stereotype- ignore them, find your own identity.
- No matter how long you’ve been in a relationship, subfrenzy is real and it will find you! Slow your ass down and take time to enjoy the journey.
- You may come to your partner with all sorts of ideas about rules and punishments and gods know what else, but someone who is truly leading will make their own decisions. Don’t be offended if your partner goes a completely different direction than you had in mind; this is part of learning to trust their lead.
- People don’t all learn the same way. Reading and talking about things might work for me, but Sir needs to see and do. Our dynamic (and our kink) grew exponentially when we got involved with our local community. If this option is available to you, take advantage of it!
- It’s okay if a Dom doesn’t jump at the first test chance you give them to ‘pick your panties’ or whatever else. Dominance has different styles and Doms have different motivations, take the time to learn about your partner and what kind of Dominance feels right to them.
All in all, I am still a little blown away by how D/s has changed our marriage. We were doing good before, we didn’t come into this trying to ‘fix’ anything, but we also weren’t communicating or connecting on the level that we do now. In a vanilla relationship there are times when you can coast; you can be pretty checked out without even realizing it. You can’t do that in D/s. Every day we have to show up for each other.
