Rollerball: a memory
The film Rollerball begins in the distant year of 2018, where all sports have been combined into the much better sport of Rollerball. The Rollerball national anthem, Organ Music for Draculas, plays to start the film. From there, we get to see a standard game of Rollerball; two teams in a ring shaped course, free to just really fuck each other up with spike gauntlets, motorcycles, and rollerskates. One player, Jonathan Rollerball, is the absolute best at Rollerball, and has won 999 championships in a row. People love the way he bashes heads just right, and scores points, something not often done in Rollerball, on account of the relative ease with which you can just murder the other team.
John Rollerball wins the game with a slamdunk, but after the match, is told by his manager that he must quit by order of Rollerball high command. He tells them that he follows no master, only the sweet song of the course, and that he’ll die before he leaves it behind. Rollerball high command thinks that’s a good idea, and starts making the rules more murdery, to the absolute delight of the crowds.
John, seeking answers, asks a supercomputer about the nature of Rollerball. Its computational brain is destroyed by the paradox that is Rollerball, causing its scientist keeper to piss himself royally.
Little does Johnny Rollerballs know, a team of 15 angry japanese men have come to fuck up his shit in an absolutely rancid game of Rollerball. Being the best at Rollerball, he evades them, but sadly his best friend Doug Cakes is punched so hard his brain explodes. Knowing that his friend’s soul lives on in his vegetableized body, he chooses to keep him alive forever in an eternal life chamber. John declares to his brain dead friend that he will beat Rollerball, and win 10 trillion points.
Rollerball high command decides to do an infinity length, all murders game of Rollerball, so as to kill Johnny Balls once and for all, before he inspires the people to revolution. We find out that sports are intended to show the importance of working together, and are evil. John Rollyballs’ prodigy stylings put him at odds with this, and so he must be Rollerballed… to death.
In the final game of Rollerball, all of RollerJohn’s friends are murdered by a hand picked team of the top Rollerball assassins. Johnball fights off his enemies singlehandedly in the end, and with one opponent left undeaded on the ring, Johnathon Rolledball chooses the path of order, and slam dunks the ball so hard it incites global peace. The world unites under the sounds of Dracula’s piano.
