The Diaper Blowout Changing Guide for Dummy Dads

You couldn’t stop laughing. Really you couldn’t.

Finn just looked up in horror, his large eyes round with shock.

“I can’t believe. Babe I’m covered in shi-- poop!”

“Awww babe, you can handle this it’s really easy.” you reassure. It really was, there was no need to panic since you were at home and had plenty of diapers and spare outfits for the baby.

“How- How- How the hel-heck did someone so small manage to shi-poop with such force that it had to explode OUT of the diaper?!”

“It happens. This is just your first time experiencing this. I’ve already dealt with two of these.”

“He’s only three weeks old, how does this happen? EWWW it’s all over my hands and -” he stops mid sentence and scrunches his nose. “It’s in his hair! Why is it yellow and looks like it has seeds in it? What the hell has he been eating?”

This time you doubled over in laughter, the loud guffaws nearly drowning out the cries of your three week old son Remy, who was clearly agitated that no one had bothered to change his diaper yet.

“Finn! His poop looks like that because he’s exclusively breastfed, but man I swear, just stay calm and I’ll talk you through it. First do you have the changing mat, the diaper, the wipes, the clean outfit and his diaper rash cream?” you ask.

“Ummm.. I have a diaper and that’s it.”

“Stay right here and I’ll be right back,” you instruct though given the absolute shock that your husband was in, there were no doubts he was going to move at all.

You quickly gathered all the supplies necessary to make this diaper blowout cleanup seamless or so you hoped. 

Finn knew his way around any car but navigating his way around the newness of fatherhood has been very difficult for him. This pregnancy was a surprise gift after one of Tobey’s races. When one of the boys won some kind of race or event everyone celebrated. Your ‘celebration’ however, was the only one that resulted in a pregnancy, thanks to a little too much alcohol and some surprisingly pretty words from Finn. In all the excitement apparently you both had forgotten to use a condom. As cliche as it is, Remy was conceived in the back of his daddy’s old pickup truck.

Returning to the living room to see your husband still nervously holding your screaming son you laid out all the supplies for him and began to talk him through the changing. 

First you instructed him to unsnap the onesie, and then gently pull your sons arms out. Finn was so terrified of accidentally breaking his son’s arms that it took far too long, and you huffed impatiently from where you were standing.

“Oh for Christ’s sake Finn, he’s flexible, you won’t hurt him, just push the damn material down and pull his arm out!”

Finn finally managed and you advised him to use the material of the filthy onesie to wipe at and  gather all the excess baby poop from your son’s back and stomach. Once he’d managed that you then instructed him to make sure that the wipes were open and ready. 

He laid your son down gently on the changing mat and slowly started to open the diaper. 

“Stop!” you nearly hollered, which startled Finn out of his concentration.

“Whaaa--?”

“Use the wipes to wipe him down completely before you open the diaper. You don’t do that beforehand and you’re asking for disaster” you giggled.

Finn took his time slowly wiping down your son, who was still none to pleased to be poopy, now mostly naked and cold.

“Not to rush you babe, but you might want to hurry up a bit Remy is cold.”

Once the baby was free and clear of any excess poop, he began to slowly open the diaper. 

“Now you’re going to want to open the diaper and then you’re going to want to-”

“He’s fucking peeing on me!” Finn hollered, looking exasperated.

“Oh hush, I tried to warn you. It’s just a little baby pee it’s not the end of the world.”

“It’s soooo hot,” Finn whined.

“Oh hush. Check to see if he’s done peeing, and if he is you gotta just get in there dude. Imagine that his diaper is the hood of a car”

 He opens the diaper again and begins to wipe up all the poop, using the front end of the diaper to try and wipe up as much poop as he could before it was too completely soiled, and then watching him wipe all the poop away.

You couldn’t help but to feel your heart swelling with pride that you big smarty-dummy husband was changing Remy’s diaper.

Once FInn had managed to clear you little man of any poop he began to dress him. Surprisingly Finn was great at dressing baby, undressing him was still difficult for him however, as he was so concerned with the delicateness that is a newborn.

Once Remy was completely changed FInn handed him to you so that you could feed him while he handled the cleanup.

“That wasn’t so bad now was it daddy?” you coo at your son, but directing the conversation towards Finn.

Once the cleanup had been handled, you felt Finn’s arms around your waist, as he rested his chin on your shoulder.

“I love you both so damn much. He was the happiest accident we’ve ever had. Other than you agreeing to marry me, his birth was the best day of my life.”

You nearly burst into tears as you turn your head to place a soft kiss to Finn’s forehead.