#current contemplation

Lmao these kids got me feeling emotions and it sucks. I get frustrated because I thought I out grew all of this. A part of me wants to say something but the older part of me knows that it will just lead to unnecessary drama. 😌

Truth be told I don't know what I'm doing. Whenever I try to have a good time I always get so scared and I really don't understand it. I have gotten to the point where I feel so bad about the way I act because I feel like it brigs down those around me. Last night he kept saying " now I understand why you're the mature one" and I told him not to say that and he tried to analyze it. In some sense he guessed correctly but he also missed the marker. Like I don't want him to say that because I think is demeaning towards my big. Who wants to be in a pair in which everyone thinks the little is actually the big. I don't care but I hope it doesn't hurt him when people say that. All I can ask myself is why do I get this way when I hang out with him and honestly I feel like it's because I get protective and I want to make sure he is okay because I feel like he could end up doing something that could hurt him. But then you can argue you that we learn and live more because of the stupid things we do but honestly it's just me being scared. Like he also kept saying " you need to trust me" and honestly that is so hard to do because I know he has thoughts that are just scary and it makes me scared. And like always u have this sense if being forgotten and unimportant in his life. I think my contemplation is truly set around that idea. Like why do I still get this way. I know what kind of friend he is and tbh it's kind of sucky on a day to day basis but no doubt he has done some great things for me. But then is that all this is? Did I make this bigger than it actually had to be? What I thought was that I could finally have someone to call my best friend but I don't think that's what I'm supposed to get of this at least not with him. There is still so much I don't know about him, so much I don't think he wants to tell. And like now he is going to have a big that actually cares and is proactive which I think is what he needs because his big has never been there for him but that just means that there is another person trying to establish a relationship that I have been trying to have with him. And I feel like they get along more than we do. So I can already see them doin more things together than I would ever do with him as my big. I just wanted a friend but like always I have managed to feel alone.