My friend told me he was ashamed of his jealousy, and I didn't realized it but I am totally ashamed on how jealous I can also get. Its so bad that I get jealous with my friends and with my big especially.
I get jealous for a variety of reasons and I honestly am so ashamed that I have no trust for some people because that's what I see jealousy translating into. I see it as me being scared of losing someone because I am not good enough to be there for them.
I honestly am caught up in this idea of having a person and it stress me out because the person I chose to be my person I guess can't be. I also think there was the flaw in my situation, I chose him to be my big and I justified it by trying to say that he chose me back, but I don't think that is enough. I mean I love him and I know he loves me but this isn't what I thought it was going be. I just have so much fear inside of me.
I have a fear that he will find out how emotional I am and shut me out of his life. I have seen how he responds to people with these kinds of people, and honestly he is a magnet for people like me and it sucks. It sucks because if I were to tell him how I felt and how emotional I am then I would just be adding to his list of people that simply dump their luggage on him, and I don't want to do that.
My biggest fear is that he will talk behind my back, that he vents to others about me because he can't seem to just tell me to my face. My biggest fear is that he will get fed up with all of my emotions, judge me, call me gay because I have so many emotions and attachment and then totally treat me differently. I fear this because I have seen this before, I have seen him do this. Yeah the other situation was different due to some circumstances, but just knowing that he can be pushed to those limits, that is what I fear. I fear being on the receiving end of all that.
I always have to remind myself what kind of person he is though. I read a quote on hear that was focused on this perception of obtaining and demonstrating love. And because we all show our differently, we sometimes feel like it isn't there from some people and honestly I go through that all the time. I feel like he doesn't love me and he is just putting up with me, I try so hard to force myself not to text him for a couple a days just to make sure I am not being to annoying. I do that because I don't want to be so attached, I don't want to be overbearing, i don't want to be the person he grows to hate. I also do this like any jealous person would, to see if he would text me to check up on me. I do this as a small affirmation that his love is still there, to make sure he still remembers to keep me a part of his life.
I have to remember he has flavors of the week. I always have to tell myself that he has his bestfriends established and sometimes I don't make the cut. I am literally old news, I was the person he spent most of his time with last spring. Now, now he hangs out with other people 24/7. Whether its a girl or a new friend he has a tendency to dedicate a lot of time to them.
First it was the girl at the end of last year, I honestly didn't even want to text him because I knew he was already with her and he wouldn't be down for anything else. He secluded himself, he stopped updating me on his life, not even his relationship, but his life like the conversations sometimes just stopped. Then it was the girl at the end of the Summer. This one was more hurtful because he felt so much more comfortable with her than I felt he was ever with me. He would go over to her place and chill, nap and hang out there and he would do that more than just once a week. But the thing that bugged me the most was that she lived in the same building as I did, he wouldn't talk to me when was going through this phase. I thought that he could at the very least stop by and chill at my place for a bit with his little bro but I guess it didn't work like that.
Then it was PGB, which I love but he became the favorite and everyone else again pushed to the back burner. The whole drug culture became more prevalent and the idea of deep talks while under the influence became more attractive to my big. Now I feel like that is the only way he can talk and what he looks forward to when he does drugs. What bugged me the most out of anything that we have ever experienced together was last Friday. I almost cried twice while at the club. I almost cried twice because of him. Because he wasn't giving an effort to have a good time with me, he would have rather slept through it all. And it was literally heartbreaking because I regretted even going because he wasn't there for me, he wasn't there to share an experience he was there for I don't even know what. I wish I would have cried. I wish I would have made a scene because than maybe I wouldn't be writing this post. This post, these thoughts that have been lingering in the back of my head since last week. These thoughts that regardless of what I do still seem to come back.
Sometimes I wonder if he was ready to pick me up, and I wonder if he really wanted to pick me up. I wonder because he has been going through so much especially around the time we became big little that I feel like I just added more pressure to an already boiling pot. I also feel like he doesn't see me as a friend, he refers to having a little to like having a kid...and I don't appreciate that. I didn't want a big that would take me out to eat all the time and pay for me. I didn't want a person to feel responsible over me, what I wanted was a friend that I could hit up any time to go eat with and just have simple conversations with or deep conversations with whenever either of us needed each other. But sometimes I feel like he doesn't see it in that way.
I also feel like he associates me with bad memories , because once I became his little the world started to shit on him hard core. And all I ever heard was, you should have met Domo before he was so much happier, he was a different person you would have loved him. & you know I love him now. I love him the way he was when we first met because he opened up to me and I had never had anyone do that with me before and it was cool because I immediately knew I wanted him to be my big.
I love him more than I have ever loved a friend. He just doesn't love me back inthe same capacity. He shows his love in different ways. I have to remind myself and say out loud. When I say it outloud I realize how emotional, attached, jealous and idiotic I am for making it such a big deal.