How I see myself, those around me, those beyond

Bi dl twink.

It feels like he’s trying to ghost me but he wants me to pull the trigger.

Just taking a second to think of it, maybe I should. Saves me the emotional spending but I hate that it lets him off easy.

I didn’t really get anywhere with my first post college job application. I applied to be a Leadership Consultant and I did the phone interview. It was like 15 minutes long but then I found out I wasn’t the only one. I heard they had their in person interviews, I never got a notice regarding my status in the application which had my feeling so uncomfortable. I remember it was a Friday during mid-November and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had to reevaluate everything about myself in this organization and it was hard. Looking back it felt like I ran to Brian Clarke to ask for advice I felt so shut out. The following week was Thanksgiving so I waited for the week after to followup on my status. That’s when I finally got a “Oh wait yeah, you are still being considered/never give up because anything could happen” email. Thanks Jim. 

Idk if anyone has ever actually seen my personal text blog. I type out things that I never really mean for anyone else to read but if you have that’s okay and I would love to know that you did. 

This time around my Current Contemplation is a very big one. Growing up I never really acknowledged sexuality in general, I was very reserved to the subject simply because I knew, and everyone & their moms knew, that I wasn’t straight. Looking back at my time in high school I think I was attracted to the idea of men as a sexual object BUT I never found myself wanting a sexual relationship or a romantic relationship with anyone male/female-man/womxn. There was just always the idea.

Fast forward to my summer in Boston between 2nd & 3rd year. I took the chance and did the whole gay hookup/dating app. I felt like it was the perfect opportunity since I was in the city by myself with no one i knew or anyone that I would ever see again. & you know what it lowkey changed my life, it set me on a path to truly discover and define my sexuality for myself. I started using the app in Irvine and I became more comfortable and high key 2016 was my slutty year. #NoRagrats

Now as a fourth year I told myself that I have to genuine, that I have to be me and I have to give zero zero zero. To me that translates into being more open about who I want to date with the people I love and want to keep in my life. I hope they can be supportive and positive people because they are the people I have come to love. The other side of that is that I also shouldn’t worry about their comfort level being a factor in when I am ready to come out. Yeah I should feel safe around them but I should not, and will not suppress who I am for their sake. 

What better time to come back to this than at 2:45 eastern time in my hotel room in Georgia. 

The last time I actually wrote something down was the summer before my second year of college...now i’m going into my fourth year. Talk about a break. 

Just a quick catch up 

My Second Year: was very depressing I think. The troubled relationship with my big got worse and we stopped talking for a bit but I did find what I needed. I for the first time in my life had an older role model, my Ate Decerry. I wish I was able to recount the countless nights we would spend talking about our lives or the cause. She became what I always hoped I would have in my life and I am forever grateful for that. I was secretary for both Kaba and my Chapter...which was interesting I feel like I was better at managing the time commitments. Second year I was also the Greek Life intern so the Greek Leadership Office became my second home and Brian Clarke and Grace Poon became the mentors I never thought I would have. I love them both. 

My Third Year: was very reflective. I figured out what I want to do with my life, Organizational Development so my bachelor’s isn’t doing me much good right now. My relationship with my Big Bro got better but he just became a great amazing friend I will always have not so much as a mentor. But I still don’t know what I would have done without him in my three years of college. I picked up two little bros and they both i feel would rather go back and not choose me as their big. My little is great but I think its because we were friends before I picked her up which im grateful for. My two Kaba mentees give me life. I feel like they want my help and even having a simple conversation with them is like enough to validate our relationships. I love them. In my third year I also started my term as chapter president and let me tell you this shit has been crazy since day one. Being EVP for kaba was sort of a let down because I didn’t do what I needed to do. 

My friend told me he was ashamed of his jealousy, and I didn't realized it but I am totally ashamed on how jealous I can also get. Its so bad that I get jealous with my friends and with my big especially. 

 I get jealous for a variety of reasons and I honestly am so ashamed that I have no trust for some people because that's what I see jealousy translating into. I see it as me being scared of losing someone because I am not good enough to be there for them. 

I honestly am caught up in this idea of having a person and it stress me out because the person I chose to be my person I guess can't be. I also think there was the flaw in my situation, I chose him to be my big and I justified it by trying to say that he chose me back, but I don't think that is enough. I mean I love him and I know he loves me but this isn't what I thought it was going be. I just have so much fear inside of me. 

I have a fear that he will find out how emotional I am and shut me out of his life. I have seen how he responds to people with these kinds of people, and honestly he is a magnet for people like me and it sucks. It sucks because if I were to tell him how I felt and how emotional I am then I would just be adding to his list of people that simply dump their luggage on him, and I don't want to do that. 

My biggest fear is that he will talk behind my back, that he vents to others about me because he can't seem to just tell me to my face. My biggest fear is that he will get fed up with all of my emotions, judge me, call me gay because I have so many emotions and attachment and then totally treat me differently. I fear this because I have seen this before, I have seen him do this. Yeah the other situation was different due to some circumstances, but just knowing that he can be pushed to those limits, that is what I fear. I fear being on the receiving end of all that. 

I always have to remind myself what kind of person he is though. I read a quote on hear that was focused on this perception of obtaining and demonstrating love. And because we all show our differently, we sometimes feel like it isn't there from some people and honestly I go through that all the time. I feel like he doesn't love me and he is just putting up with me, I try so hard to force myself not to text him for a couple a days just to make sure I am not being to annoying. I do that because I don't want to be so attached, I don't want to be overbearing, i don't want to be the person he grows to hate. I also do this like any jealous person would, to see if he would text me to check up on me. I do this as a small affirmation that his love is still there, to make sure he still remembers to keep me a part of his life. 

I have to remember he has flavors of the week. I always have to tell myself that he has his bestfriends established and sometimes I don't make the cut. I am literally old news, I was the person he spent most of his time with last spring. Now, now he hangs out with other people 24/7. Whether its a girl or a new friend he has a tendency to dedicate a lot of time to them. 

First it was the girl at the end of last year, I honestly didn't even want to text him because I knew he was already with her and he wouldn't be down for anything else. He secluded himself, he stopped updating me on his life, not even his relationship, but his life like the conversations sometimes just stopped. Then it was the girl at the end of the Summer. This one was more hurtful because he felt so much more comfortable with her than I felt he was ever with me. He would go over to her place and chill, nap and hang out there and he would do that more than just once a week. But the thing that bugged me the most was that she lived in the same building as I did, he wouldn't talk to me when was going through this phase. I thought that he could at the very least stop by and chill at my place for a bit with his little bro but I guess it didn't work like that. 

Then it was PGB, which I love but he became the favorite and everyone else again pushed to the back burner. The whole drug culture became more prevalent and the idea of deep talks while under the influence became more attractive to my big. Now I feel like that is the only way he can talk and what he looks forward to when he does drugs. What bugged me the most out of anything that we have ever experienced together was last Friday. I almost cried twice while at the club. I almost cried twice because of him. Because he wasn't giving an effort to have a good time with me, he would have rather slept through it all. And it was literally heartbreaking because I regretted even going because he wasn't there for me, he wasn't there to share an experience he was there for I don't even know what. I wish I would have cried. I wish I would have made a scene because than maybe I wouldn't be writing this post. This post, these thoughts that have been lingering in the back of my head since last week. These thoughts that regardless of what I do still seem to come back. 

Sometimes I wonder if he was ready to pick me up, and I wonder if he really wanted to pick me up. I wonder because he has been going through so much especially around the time we became big little that I feel like I just added more pressure to an already boiling pot. I also feel like he doesn't see me as a friend, he refers to having a little to like having a kid...and I don't appreciate that. I didn't want a big that would take me out to eat all the time and pay for me. I didn't want a person to feel responsible over me, what I wanted was a friend that I could hit up any time to go eat with and just have simple conversations with or deep conversations with whenever either of us needed each other. But sometimes I feel like he doesn't see it in that way. 

I also feel like he associates me with bad memories , because once I became his little the world started to shit on him hard core. And all I ever heard was, you should have met Domo before he was so much happier, he was a different person you would have loved him. & you know I love him now. I love him the way he was when we first met because he opened up to me and I had never had anyone do that with me before and it was cool because I immediately knew I wanted him to be my big. 

I want a better relationship. 

We aren't where I want to be. 

I want him to be my person. 

He chose me and I chose him. 

I just want to be his best friend. I want to call him my best friend. I don't think we are there yet. I don't think he was ever planning to get there. More people into the equation, the harder it will be to get there. We have had our moments, but I don't think he cares. He has people he can call his best friend, I don't think there are many people I can do that with. I wanted him to be my person. Was I expecting too much? I think I was, and its my fault for trying to hard. 

Weeks like this week. This week had a lot of emotions tied into it but I'm happy that it happened, like I am genuinely happy. I was re-inspired, I was reminded of why I do what I do. 

 It started off kind of rocky and having Tuesday off completely through me off. But it has literally been a great week.

On Wednesday, with my admin intern class it was just going up. I sat through a presentation with my Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs and I got to understand why my tuition will be going up. Then with my group we decided on what our issue we will be attacking is and I feel real confident about it. It is an issue that affects a lot of our student organizations and I think that honestly if someone were to really think about we can find a solution too. Then afterwards I had a quick yet meaningful conversation with my Greek life predecessor and it was honestly so great. I have realized not my entire role as GL Intern but what I think will be a really big thing that I try to incorporate into this position. 

Then today, today was a mix of emotions. I failed my Japanese midterm I am 100% certain that I did and I think that means that I have officially failed the class. I don't think I can really come back from two failed tests but I am not giving up. But after that I went to work and it was a really great shift like I loved it. I had two great talks with my manager and I honestly feel like I can talk to her more. We had a great discussion about my role in the store and about I have been acting and I think its great that we can be on the same page. Like I am very excited for the future at Starbs. I love them.  I have realized my role as a coach. 

Then afterwards, like I got to hear my Kaba president talk about why he does what he does. It was an eye opener but also a great way to reflect on why I am here in Kaba. It reminded me of my place in the club. My role as an exec board member. Why I chose to do this as a second year. Like UGH I am so excited for the rest of my year! 

I love this because even though I failed my Japanese midterm I have realized the most important thing. I realized why I am doing me, I love doing this because I get to work with people, I get to make their days better, I get to impact their lives even if microscopic. 

I literally have this crippling feeling inside my body every time. every single time. 

Going through High School I played it safe. I didn't have any room to take any risks, to have the high school experience that I once dreamed of. I loved it but I think it was to restricted because I was scared of what people would think of me. I know it sounds narcissistic or arrogant or whatever but I valued my titles to much to endanger them, because they are all I had. They are what made me, me. I didn't have experiences I wish with all my being that I would have. had and I don't want to have the same regrets in college that I had in high-school. 

I want to live, I want to experience I want to get out of my comfort zone but like literally not just through the basics. I want so much out of my college experience but I also need this to be about me. I don't want to repreat high school but I feel as though I am on the path to repeat it. Taking up so many responsibilities so early on in college already makes me held to a different standard. I feel as though I can't do what I want because I need to be and portray a certain image for the sake of the organizations I represent and my peers that chose me to lead.