#curefa

I want someone to love me for me

I’m exhausted of being rejected for something I can’t control

why do I even keep trying?

why can’t I be accepted?

although, I can’t blame them

for, I haven’t accepted myself yet

how could I?

how do I accept my body betraying me

i fucking can’t

16 fucking years

and I’m just living with my retarded body

it’s not orthodox

I know other people who’ve had no problem accepting this horror

why the fuck is it so hard for me?

I guess, I’m only a bothersome burden

in all reality, I’m not worth loving

people say "you’re supposed to love yourself first"

but how do I love something I hate?

with a lump in my throat, I fucking ask you how?

a helpless, gross, futile thing deserves only neglect

as much as it burns my chest

yet, my goddamn heart believes otherwise

the war between my heart and brain is a real issue

i wish my heart would be cut out

it brings a sting I just want to throw up

i don’t know how to get rid of this pique

I tried numbing the cramps in my heart but it doesn’t last

it hurts too redundantly

Yeah I’m disabled

It’s really unnerving.

I usually only get to go out once a week or once every two weeks, sometimes that’s because it’s a doctors visit.

Cons were my big events for the year.

Unfortunately I think this is very common for people with disabilities. (I don’t want to speak for everyone of course)

But it’s hard to go out, I have to plan more, it takes longer, how bad is my fatigue, if there’s a time limit, I don’t want to rush or hold anyone up.

I can’t just hop in the car and go to the shops or see a friend. I don’t drive.

It’s difficult for friends to take me out because I have to rely on them to help.

It’s shitty because I feel like a burden or will cancel because it’s too hard and I don’t want to ruin it for others.

My point is that this further isolation quarantine has caused me to reflect and regret a little.

Why do I see myself as a burden?

I’m not looking for sympathy or pity.