All of Me (loves all of you)
Merry Christmas @cosette141ā! Here is your Christmas gift from your Secret Santa! I had so much fun writing this little fix it, canon divergence piece for you. I know season 4a is one of your favorites and I just happen to be in the middle of reviewing that season, so it worked out perfectly! I hope you enjoy it.
Thank you to @xarandomdreamxā for being my beta
And thank you to the Captain Swan Secret Santa for putting this on again!
Rated: T
Ao3 Link
Emma slammed her bug into park and started beating on the steering wheel. The words of the Snow Queen echoed through her mind.
The only way this ends is you embracing who you are.
But Emma had embraced who she was. Wasnāt that why the wand had worked in the past? Wasnāt that why she had wanted to stay in Storybrooke? Because she was embracing who she was? She just needed to get her stupid powers under control, and without Reginaās help she just couldnāt get a grasp on them.Ā
Right now, she just needed a place to hide.
As if her magic understood her need, her hands sparked and her car went back into drive and started driving itself.Ā
āGreat,ā Emma sighed to herself. āJust like the Ford Anglia in Harry Potter.ā
It deposited her in front of Goldās cabin in the middle of the woods. The last time sheād been here heād been beating the crap out of Mo French. She hoped it had been cleaned since then.
She slammed the car door as she got out, putting her red leather jacket back on to ward off the chill. She didnāt even bother checking if the door was locked, her magic automatically opening it for her.
āThat wouldāve been useful when I was younger,ā she murmured to herself. The place was spotless. Definitely been cleaned up since the Mo French incident. Emma wondered if Gold even remembered he owned this place. It didnāt look like anyone had used it at all. Everything was in perfect order. No rumpled bed sheets, nothing in the sink, not even any wear on the sofa. However, there did happen to be a thin layer of dust over everything. Emma found a roll of paper towels, tore off a piece, and started dusting the cabin. She was already beginning to feel calmer.Ā
ā-----
Henry had never been so thankful that driving in the woods had to be done slowly. After the debacle with his mom, heād hid while he saw the encounter with the Snow Queen. He hated how the Snow Queen could get under his momās skin so easily, especially as heād seen his mom go up against his mother without any regard for the consequences. What was it that made her think the Snow Queen was worse than the Evil Queen had been?
He watched as the car drove itself through the winding roads and managed to catch a glimpse of it as it stopped in front of a cabin in the woods. He wasnāt sure who it belonged to, but he was sure someone back at the loft would know.Ā
He followed the road back into town and ran to the loft. He could hear his grandparents, Killian, and Elsa arguing from outside the door about continuing to look for Emma some more.
āPerhaps she doesnāt want to be found.ā Killian said, quite angrily, though Henry could tell he was also worried. āSince, you know, thatās what she bloody told us!ā They may have only started dating, but Henry liked how concerned he was about his mom, and that he wanted to give her the space sheād requested.
āWell,ā David began, āthe good news is, thanks to the ice wall, Emma canāt leave town.ā Henry scoffed. Of course Grandpa was only concerned about whether his mom would leave. Not whether she was okay or what she was feeling.
āThe longer she isolates herself, the worse itāll get. Her magic will just keep spiraling,ā Henry heard Elsa say. It almost made him run right back to the woods to try and talk to her again. āWhen your powers are out of control, everythingās upside down, and you donāt want to be anywhere near the people you care about,ā Elsa continued.Ā
āWonderful,ā Killian said with a sarcastic tone Henry knew he used when he was trying to cover up his own feelings. āWell, should we send Sneezy after her, or Happy? Which is the dwarf she despises?ā Henry silently chuckled at Killians words, making his head throb and probably bleed more from his most recent encounter with his mom in the woods. But he continued to listen to what was being said.
āI was so scared that I would hurt Anna until I finally realized you canāt run away from the people who love you, because in the end theyāre the only ones who can help you.ā Elsa finished. His grandparents began arguing again about what was best for Emma, but Henry took Elsaās words to heart. He needed to send someone who could get through to his mom, who loved his mom, not someone who would just talk at her.Ā
He took a minute to psych himself up before opening the door, just in time to hear David say āthen we go out and find our daughter. Okay?ā
āYou donāt have to look anymore.ā The adults all looked shocked to see him come through the door. Which, to be fair, he was supposed to have been sleeping upstairs. He absentmindedly put his hand to his injured head (he silently cursed himself for upsetting his mom enough that she accidentally had a burst of magic and hurt him, something she was trying so hard to not do) and pulled back his hand with spots of blood on it.
āWhat happened?ā David asked concerned.
āLook, Iām sorry I snuck out, but I found her.ā All the adults looked at him in awe. He tried not to let it go to his head, knowing heād found her when the rest of his family couldnāt. His grandparents began talking over each other to find out how she was, but all Henry was concerned about was Killianās reaction. He lookedā¦relieved, yet he still didnāt ask any questions. He knew Henry would answer them in his own time. He was exactly who Henry needed to send after his mom. Heād be the only one who could get through to her.
āIād really like someone to look at this head injury Iāve managed to get,ā Henry said, focusing his attention on Killian as he said it. Killian looked at Henry, his eyebrows raised in question, which he then quickly schooled and nodded in agreement.Ā Luckily, his mom wasnāt the only person Killian could read like a book.
āIāll take the lad and get him cleaned up.ā Killian said before anyone else could volunteer. Henry quickly steered him to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and locked the door behind him.
āYou have to go to my mom!ā Henry said, turning to face Killian. He expected to see relief on his face, but instead he saw something more conflicted.Ā
āI donāt think your mother wants to see me, lad,ā his face dropped, looking hopeless. He gestured to the cabinet; Henry quickly took out the medical supplies to keep up the pretext. Killian wet a small hand towel and motioned for Henry to turn so he could get a better look at the wound.
āYouāre wrong!ā Henry said adamantly, then winced as Killian wiped away the blood with the towel. āYou heard what Elsa said, isolating herself will only make it worse. Sheās at Goldās cabin in the woods.ā He tried to turn toward Killian but he kept him facing away from him. āDo you know where that is?ā
āAye, lad, I do.ā Killian sounded almost resigned, like he still wasnāt sure if he should go. Henry finally wrenched from his grip and turned around.Ā
āSheās scared and sheās afraid sheāll hurt someone. She just needs someone to reassure her that her magic isnāt bad. That itās part of her. Itās like Elsa said, she needs someone who loves her..ā
Killian looked shocked. Henry wondered if heād overstepped. Despite the fact that Killian had been trying to court his mom for a few months now, theyād only started dating. Killian tilted his head down, not looking at Henryās eyes.
āItās that obvious, is it?ā He let out a shaky breath. Henry didnāt think heād ever seen him so vulnerable. The great Captain Hook worried that Henry knew he loved his mom.
āWell, momās oblivious, as usual. Or maybe sheās just using her magic as an excuse. You know how skittish she gets.ā Killian gave a wry chuckle. āBut you need to go. I think youāre the only one whoāll be able to get through to her. You actually listen to her. My grandparents are great, but theyāre scared of her, whether they want to admit it or not.ā Killian nodded in agreement. He fished out some gauze from the medical supplies Henry had brought out with a small piece of medical tape and affixed it onto Henryās wound.
āTis merely a scratch,ā Killian gave Henry a small smile and stroked his hair. Henry understood the significance of this gesture - it was fatherly in nature. Another reason Henry knew he could trust him.
āAre you sure you know where Goldās cabin is?ā Henry wasnāt sure heād be able to find it again.
Killian nodded. āAye, lad. Iāve traipsed through these woods enough, Iāve got a good lay of the land. I didnāt realize the cabin belonged to the Crocodile.ā He made to leave the bathroom, but turned back toward Henry. āAre you sure sheāll be alright with me going to her? Iām trying hard to respect her boundaries.ā His face dropped in concern. Never did Henry think heād feel sorry for Captain Hook.
āI think youāre the only one she will see. Though knowing mom, sheāll fight you at first. Killian smiled.
āWell, it wouldnāt be me and your mum if we werenāt fighting, would it?ā A grin spread over Killianās face and Henry thought maybe everything would be alright.
āIāll distract the rest of them for as long as I can.ā Henry said, returning the medical supplies to the cabinet heād got them from. āYou sneak out and get to mom.ā Killian nodded his head in agreement.
Henry slipped back to the rest of the group. Mary Margaret started fussing over his head while David gave him a light reprimand for leaving the loft when they told him not to. Mary Margaret insisted on making something to eat since theyād all be out all night. They could use some rest before Henry told them where Emma was. As David had pointed out earlier, itās not like she could leave town with the ice wall around it.Ā
Henry could see Killian patting down his jacket and pants pockets. āBloody Hell! Iāve left my talking phone in the back of your truck.ā He announced though no one seemed to be paying attention. Mary Margaret was showing Elsa how the stove worked as she also gathered ingredients for pancakes. David was pacing around, most likely trying to decide what they should do after theyād refueled and recharged.
āItās just called a phone.ā David responded mechanically, watching as Killian headed for the door to retrieve it.
āWhat an impractical name. Iāll be back in two shakes.ā Henry observed Killian go out the door, everyone else still too absorbed in what they were doing. Killian gave a quick, awkward wink to Henry - he knew Killian would not be back in two shakes.
ā---
The calm Emma had been feeling immediately dissipated once she finished dusting. With nothing left to do with her hands, the sparking had started up once again. She sat on the edge of the couch staring at her hands, willing them to go back to normal. But the doubt rapidly crept in.
Sheād hurt Henry.Ā
Sheād hurt her father and almost hurt Killian.Ā
The look on her motherās face.
How could they want to be around her after that?
How could she act like everything was normal after that?
Maybe Ingrid was right and she was a monster.
āYou are nothing of the sort, love.ā Emma looked up to see Killian leaning on the open door frame, his signature smirk overtaking his face. She wasnāt sure if she was glad or scared to see him.
āDid I say that out loud?ā Killian nodded in the affirmative. Emma could tell he was being cautious. Usually he would say āayeā and it would sound incredibly sexy. But she could see his casual smile didnāt quite reach his eyes and their usual blue was closer to a stormy gray. It would be upsetting if it wasnātā¦.sweet.
āHowād you find me?ā Emma asked warily. She could already feel the sparks in her fingertips coming to life as if a lightning storm was on its way.
āHenry.āĀ
Emmaās hands went to hips. āI drove here!ā She said incredulously. Killian just shrugged. She didnāt really know what to do with that. She loved Henry and sheād hurt him. She couldnāt risk hurting Killian too. It still amazed her that calling him Killian came as easily as drinking water after calling him Hook for so long. Sheād known, logically, that his name wasnāt Hook. Sheād called him Killian when he took care of Henry, before his memory had come back, but that had almost been like a role he was playing. The part of Captain Hook will be played by Killian Jones. And sheād called him Killian when Gold and Zelena had almost killed him and sheād lost her magic. Even after he got his hook back, he was now just Killian. But this person in front of her, the one trying so hard to give a casual indifference, she wasnāt sure who this was. He didnāt have the flirtiness of Hook or the undying devotion of Killian.Ā
āYour family is worried about you, love. At least give them a call and let them know youāre alright.ā Emma sighed. āHenryās fine, by the way. Just a scratch.ā He added. Emma pinched her face, already having forgotten about her altercation with Henry in the woods. The Snow Queen had come after that and then everything had been a blur.Ā
āGod, Iām the worst mother in the world.ā She cried, sitting herself back on the couch, her head in her hands.
āNo, love. You just have a great deal many distractions going on.ā He took a small step inside the cabin. āHave you eaten?ā Emma turned to see he held a bag from Grannyās. āBear claws and a hot chocolate, just the way you like it.ā He smiled, a real smile this time. One that actually made his eyes crinkle in that way that Emma knew heād seen a lot in his lifetime, but also made him look sexy. As if on cue, her stomach growled. Killian took that as a sign that he could come inside and sit next to her on the couch. He passed her the bag and she took it gingerly, still afraid of what her magic might do, but it seemed to have calmed down with the prospect of food.
Silence permeated the room as she ate. The only sound they could hear was the wind whistling through the trees outside. How had they gone from dates and kisses and letting him in about her past, to this uncomfortable silence? This was not who they were. They were all flirtations, and banter, and heated glares. Emma didnāt like it at all.Ā
She was about to say something, anything, when the door slammed shut. They both turned to look and then saw heavy snow falling outside the windows.
āCrap!ā She ran over to the slammed door and pulled it open. Within the few minutes it had taken to eat, there was already nearly an inch of snow on the ground, and it didnāt look like it was going to stop anytime soon. Big, fat, fluffy flakes were falling at an alarming rate. āCrap!ā She yelled again. āKillian, weāve got to get back to town!ā Killian shook his head.
āWe canāt drive in this, Emma!ā The wind had picked up and was now howling around them, her hair whipping around her face. āGet back in the cabin.ā Emma wanted to scream at him that they needed to leave, but at the pace the snow was coming down, she knew he was right. Theyād be trapped and at the mercy of the elements. She nodded and ran back inside with Killian following close behind.
āThink you can light a fire for us?ā He asked, nodding to the pile of wood near the fireplace. Emma looked at her hands, fearful for a moment that she might put a hole in the cabin like she did the sheriff station (she really hoped Regina could magic that back together ASAP), instead, she concentrated on the wood Killian was placing in the fire. She closed her eyes, and then hoped for the best.
āGood job, Swan! I knew you could do it!ā Emma opened her eyes to see the fire spark to life and Killian grinning like a fool. The expression on his face was so infectious, she felt a grin spread across her face too. Killian was looking at her in awe. āCome here, Swan.ā he beckoned her to him with a gesture of his hand. Emma took it and suddenly he was kissing her.Ā
As someone who had initiated most of their kisses, Emma felt slightly out of control when Killian would kiss her first. Sheād only been in one relationship where the other person kissed her first and it made her feel wild and out of control. She hated feeling like that now. But the more Killian kissed her, his lips caressing hers gently, the more safe she felt. The more she felt seen. The more she felt treasured (and that was saying a lot considering he was a pirate). She pulled away at that revelation. Killianās eyes were still closed and instead of opening them to look at her, he leaned his head forward so that his forehead touched hers. It felt more intimate than the kiss they had shared, and it made Emma extremely uncomfortable, even though she didnāt want to feel that way.
āEmmaā¦ā Killianās voice almost sounded broken, like he was afraid she would tell him it was a one time thing again, which was ridiculous since they wereā¦.dating. But at the same time, Emma could see why he might think that. Or maybe she was overthinking things. Looking for an excuse so that she wouldnāt be too hurt when he decided to end things. Exceptā¦she didnāt think Killian would ever want to end things. And she wasnāt sure which scared her more, him wanting to leave her or him never wanting to leave her, so she decided to deflect instead.
She took a step back from him. āThis isnāt a regular snowstorm. I think this is the Snow Queen.ā Emma said as she headed toward the window. In the short time that she and Killian had been together, there seemed to already be a foot or two of snow on the ground.
āI gathered that, love, seeing as itās too early for snow storms of this caliber, even being this far north.ā She arched an eyebrow at him regarding his knowledge about Maineās seasons, and he gave her a smile back. Maybe her fears were just that - fears. Why else would he change his entire wardrobe, hang out with her family, and learn about Storybrooke if he wasnāt planning on sticking around?
āShe wasnāt happy about me not wanting to be her sister. She keeps trying to convince me that no one can love me with my magic. From what Elsa told me, magic isnāt abundant in Arendelle. People are afraid of it there, so Iām guessing the Snow Queen has some traumatic backstory that makes her think she knows everything there is to know about how people feel about magic.ā Killian nodded, waiting for her to continue. That was something sheād never had, someone who actually listened to her. When she was younger sheād just been some dumb kid. And now her parents were too busy with their own traumas and trying to finally raise a child from birth. Well, Emma really couldnāt blame them for wanting that. That feeling of finding out she hadnāt raised Henry when she got her memories back was devastating. The fact that Regina basically gave her a do over, well, at least she still had those false memories to hold onto. Emma realized sheād gone off on a tangent in her head. Killian was still expectantly waiting for her to go on.
āShe keeps calling me a monster, which Iām not. I have saved people with my magic.ā She was angry now, which did nothing to keep the sparks at bay.
āI can attest to that, Swan. Without your magic, Iād be without my shadow, dead on Neverland. Or killed by a giant icicle that the Snow Queen conjured up.ā Killian walked over to her because sheād apparently been pacing in front of the window as more and more flakes floated to the ground. It would have been beautiful if it wasnāt a threat from the Snow Queen. He took her hands in his and Emma was afraid that her magic would hurt him like it did Henry, but he didnāt even seem to notice it. āIām a fan of every part of you. That includes your magic. You wouldnāt be the woman Iāve been chasing after without it.ā He kissed the knuckles on both hands, which in the past would have made her squirm (in a good and bad way), but in this instance, it only reassured her. And because Emma couldnāt think of anything as poetic to say in return, she pulled him close and kissed him.
Their bodies melded into one as they walked over toward the small bed set up in the corner of the cabin. Emma certainly hadnāt expected this turn of events to happen tonight, but she couldnāt say she was sorry about it. Except when her knees hit the frame and she sat down, Killian did not follow her down, her lips chasing his as he backed away. He stayed standing and looked at her with something akin to fear behind his eyes.
āBefore this goes any further, Emma, I have something to confess.ā
ā---
Killian hadnāt expected the day to take this turn. Heād come here to talk to Emma, to convince her to come back to the loft, and maybe convince her that everything the Snow Queen was saying to her was a load of rubbish. He hadnāt thought that things would lead to a bed. And despite having been a pirate for hundreds of years and having many a manās wife, he didnāt want to do this with Emma with this secret hanging over his head.
Emma was staring at him, her face still flushed from their heated kiss. He was nervous, a feeling he hadnāt had since he became a pirate and raided his first ship. He was positive this was even more nerve wracking than that, because revealing his deal with Gold and what heād been compelled to do might make Emma hate him. And while he could deal with any assortment of emotions from Emma, hate was the one that would undo him.
āIām afraid Iāve been lying to you,ā he began. Killian could see Emmaās face immediately fall, but he knew he had to get this out if he wanted any type of future with her. āGold has been lying to Belle about the dagger. He gave her a fake, and I knew, so I blackmailed him. Itās how Elsa and I found the Snow Queen in the forest, and then how I got my hand returned to me for our date.ā He was staring at the floorboards of the cabin as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. He couldnāt bear to see the disappointed look on Emmaās face, so he soldiered on and continued his tale. āGold blackmailed me into helping him. He has a hat that collects magic powers. He forced me to collect a magical old man that he had some vendetta against. He knew Iād do whatever it takes to be with you, and he used it against me.ā Tears stung his eyes as he spit the words out as fast as he could so he could get everything out. āI just wanted to be a better man for you, Swan.ā He dared to peek up at her at this point. Her expression was one heād never seen before and that made his heart drop into his stomach. āBut I failed. And now because of it, I might lose you. Iām sorry.ā He knew his apology was probably worthless, but he also knew it had to be said. He wasnāt sure how long he stood there, head still tilted toward the floor. It felt like hours though he knew it was most likely only seconds. He hadnāt realized his hand was clenched until he felt a warmth radiating around it. He lookedĀ to see Emma holding his hand in hers. She didnāt look afraid, or upset, or filled with hatred, she looked concerned.
āKillian,ā she breathed out a sigh. āYou never have to be anyone but who you already are. I fell in love with Captain Hook, the pirate. You know I wanted you at the beanstalk and thatās why I left you up there. It wasnāt you I didnāt trust, it was myself. Iā¦Iām not good with words like you are, but Killian Jones,ā she moved directly into his line of sight so they could see eye to eye, āI love you.ā
The world seemed to have gone silent after her declaration. Never in a million years would Killian have thought Emma would be the one to say āI love youā first. Heād known from the first moment heād met her that he could possibly fall for her, but his need to get revenge for Milah had still been too strong. It wasnāt until he saw how desperate she was to find her son and had offered his services in Neverland that he realized just how much heād already fallen. And then, of course, after their first kiss and subsequent admission in the Echo Caves, he knew she was the one he would give up his revenge for.Ā
Emmaās eyes had a watery sheen to them and Killian realized heād probably been in shock far longer than he intended to. He could feel the sparks emanating from her hands that were still holding his, though slightly looser. He wasnāt sure if it was because he hadnāt said anything back or due to her unpredictable magic.
āEmma Swan,ā he said, grabbing her small hand in his larger one. āMake no mistake. I love you too. I just never thought youād admit it first.ā Killian chuckled and saw Emmaās shoulders relax at his admission. She melted into his chest and he brought his arms around her in an embrace. He was sure Emma could feel his heart racing and he couldnāt help but smile at that. They stayed that way for a few minutes, just feeling the warmth from each other, listening to the crackling of the fire and the wind from the snowstorm outside.Ā
āI think you help my magic.ā Emma said so quietly that Killian almost thought he imagined she had spoken. She pulled away slowly, putting her hands up so they could both see that the sparks had disappeared. āElsa told me her sisterās love helped her control magic, and Iāve noticed that when Iām around you I can control it better. Usually. Yesterday notwithstanding.ā Killian nodded in understanding. Just like her powers to detect when someone is lying, all her powers seemed to go awry when she was overly stressed. Killian kissed the top of her head in reassurance.
āEmma, you love me. I never thought Iād find that again. Iām honored that our love helps you.ā Emma smiled at his words before leading him back to the couch where they sat huddled together. Emma practiced her magic by floating logs onto the fire. She laughed as she did it with ease.Ā
After a few moments of contemplative reflection (and stolen kisses) in front of the fire, Emma finally addressed what Killian had confessed earlier. āDonāt think Iāve forgotten that you blackmailed Gold and then he blackmailed you right back.ā Killian froze, but Emma snuggled in closer to him. āWe can discuss it later. Right now, I just want to act like a normal couple sitting in front of a fire on a snowy day without thinking about Snow Queens and Dark Ones and magic fairytale nonsense.ā Killian kissed her temple, smiling against her hair. Emma grabbed his hand and hook and brought it to her lap as she rested her head against his shoulder.Ā
The Snow Queen may have tried to convince his Swan that her magic made her a monster, but to Killian, her magic made her the most amazing woman heād ever had the pleasure of knowing. He could only hope that whatever the Snow Queen threw at them next, that Emma used her love to defeat her. Killian vowed that he would stand by her no matter what because he knew Emma was his happy ending, the one, as a former villain, he never dared to hope he could ever have.
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