#crazystupidfun

Hey there, folks! I'm coming at you today with something a little bit different from my previous works, and not just the format either! This story was inspired by my love for horror, as well as comedy. And I've decided to start uploading it since we are now in the middle of my favorite month, October! I hope that you enjoy it!

Red Moon Falls (Pilot Episode)

by

ShadowBunnyDragon

[Sinister Intro Music]

ANNOUNCER: "In a world where sinister forces lurk in the shadows, where the truth is obscured by mystery, and where legends and nightmares hide and wait, there is a place where the paranormal and the unexplainable happen with unnerving frequency."

[Flashes of images of a blurry humanoid figure moving between trees in a forest, transitioning to images of lights in the sky above a desert.]

ANNOUNCER: "The town of Red Moon Falls. On the surface, it is a sleepy small desert community. Skulking just beneath this visage of Small Town America are paranormal powers at work. And there is only one person keeping the darkness at bay, a man who delves into the deep of the unknown to do battle."

[Fade to Black, followed by words in large red print reading 'Blood Moon Falls', before fading to black again.]

The camera fades back in, showing a small ranch-style house sitting behind a gravel driveway. It's white with a peach trim, and a brown shingled roof. In the front yard, behind the chain-link fence, is a cactus garden, the borders of which are made by random rocks. The different species of cacti are in bloom with multicolored flowers. As the camera walks towards the front gate, a loud groan can be heard, and the camera whips around to focus on the black truck parked next to the fence in the empty lot next door. The passenger door opens as a man with coarse beard stubble, wearing nothing but bright blue boxers, steps out and blearily looks around. His chestnut brown hair is mussed up with bedhead. A clinking can be heard as several glass bottles tumble out from the truck right behind him. He looks right at the camera, a lit joint in his mouth.

DUKE: "Who the f[BLEEP]k are you a[BLEEP]holes?"

[Scene fades to black, fading back in.]

The man from before is sitting on a lawn chair next to the mailbox attached to the fence. He is now wearing a pair of jeans with black sneakers, and a black t-shirt. His hair has been combed and is now in a loose ponytail. He is wearing a pair of black sunglasses while sipping on a drink. Just below him in white letters is the name Duke Lafayette, Age 27, Town Fixer.

DUKE: "I didn't think were were going to still be doing this, after what happened to that last camera crew."

He takes a sip.

DUKE: "To answer that question you asked, boom mic guy, the reason I slept in my truck out in the lot over there last night is because my house is currently haunted again. It's a poltergeist this time, so simply getting drunk and passing out to ignore it and get some sleep is not much of an option. What with it trying to cut my head off with a meat cleaver. So instead I got drunk and passed out in my truck."

He takes another sip and uses his free hand to rub his temple.

DUKE: "And I'm sorry if I was a bit grouchy, I know you guys are just doing your job, and I hope you're getting hazard pay after, y'know, the last group. I'm just a little hungover, and a little irritated. See, today is Tuesday, and if there is any special bullsh[BLEEP] that the sheriff or the town council feel like making me do, I'm gunna get a letter from one of them soon enough."

The camera turns to face a mail truck puttering up the street. It comes to a stop and the mail carrier, a bald man in his fifties, gets out. He smiles and nods to Duke, who nods back. The mailman places a stack of envelopes into the mailbox. With a wave, he gets back into his truck and starts driving off. Duke sighs and reaches into the mailbox, starting to thumb through the mail.

DUKE: "Junk, junk, junk... ah, geeze."

The camera focuses on the letter Duke is holding in up and looking at. It is bright green, matching a large bright green manilla folder. He opens the envelope and starts to read it, a frown forming on his face.

DUKE: "Well, that's just f[BLEEP]in' wonderful."

[Commercial Break]

The scene jumps to Duke driving his truck, houses passing by outside the vehicle.

DUKE: "Ok, look guys, I know that you've been briefed on the sheriff and then you watched that video of that first camera crew that followed me being eaten by a couch that grew a mouth, fangs, and apparently a really fast digestive tract within the first five minutes of them filming me. So I feel that you have a better idea of just how strange and dangerous this town is than they did, and that you'll learn from their mistake and not turn on any random lava lamps you see just sitting there in the middle of the floor of any room. And when I tell you to do something, do it! ... Unless it's a doppelganger of me telling you, in which case you need to do the exact opposite."

The truck pulls up to a white house with a white picket fence and, after killing the engine, Duke angrily gets out and starts stomping up the gravel driveway. The front door opens and out steps a man wearing a charcoal gray suit and tie. The man is bald and wearing a large pair of sunglasses, and tapping a long white cane on the ground in front of him.

SIMON: "Yes? Can I help you?" the man asks in a timid voice. Duke looks the man up and down for a moment, taking a long drag off the joint in his mouth before flicking it away, and then delivers a hard punch to the man's stomach. The blind man gasps and doubles over, with Duke grabbing his tie and open-handedly slapping his face as hard as he can.

DUKE: "I always knew you were up to something, you sinister-looking motherf[BLEEP]er! Where're the children?!"

SIMON: "I-I don't know w-what you're talking about!"

The man is actively crying as Duke manhandles him, throwing the man stumbling back into the house. Duke pulls out a crowbar as he enters, immediately swinging and smashing a ceramic vase on a table near the door. The camera shakes as the cameraperson runs inside right behind Duke.

DUKE: "You think I'm messing around, ASSH[BLEEP]?! I'm not fallin' for your 'I'm blind and helpless' trick! I'll tear this whole house apart until I find those f[BLEEP]in' kids!"

To emphasize this, Duke begins smashing holes in the wall, ripping out chunks of drywall.

SIMON: "I don't know how many times I have to tell you, but I AM BLIND!"

The man is on the floor, feeling around for his cane, his glasses hanging loosely off one ear, revealing two milky white eyes staring into nothing for the camera.

DUKE: "BULLSH[BLEEP]T!"

Duke kicks over a bookshelf, sending books crashing everywhere.

DUKE: "If you're blind, then why do you have all these books?!"

SIMON: "They're braille!"

The man, crying and trying to get up, now swinging his cane too and fro, smacking the cameraperson, causing them to stumble and jostle the camera.

SIMON: "Take that!"

DUKE: "A likely f[BLEEP]king story!"

Duke then grabs an urn off a nearby table, opening it and looking inside.

DUKE: "And what's this powder in this jar, huh? You drug the kids first before you perform whatever sick f[BLEEP]king rituals you want on them?!"

SIMON: "A jar... THOSE ARE MY WIFE'S ASHES!"

DUKE: "BULLSH[BLEEP]T!"

Duke then dumps the ashes in the urn on the floor.

SIMON: "Wh-what are you doing?!"

The blind man is facing away from Duke, feebly swinging his cane in the air.

DUKE: "Tell me where the kids are, or I'm gunna p[BLEEP]s on this powder. I don't know what it is, but considering how prominently you displayed it on that table, it's pretty goddamn important to you, freak! NOW TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!!!"

The sound of a zipper being unzipped can be heard.

SIMON: "YOU LEAVE MIRRIAM ALONE YOU MONSTER!"

DUKE: "F[BLEEP]K YOU!!!"

Duke holds his crowbar menacingly with one hand while there is a trickling sound heard. The blind man is following the sound, gripping his cane in both hands, ready to start swinging again, when both men freeze at the sound of a knock on the door. The camera turns to see a sheriff's deputy, wearing a forest green uniform shirt and darker green pants standing at the still-open door and looking in.

EARL: "Duke... what the hell are you doing?"

DUKE: "Not now, Earl, I'm dealing with the 'Special Case' that d[BLEEP]khead of a sheriff sent me on!"

The camera swings back around to see Duke advancing on the blind man.

EARL: "Duke... the address for that assignment is three houses down!"

The camera swings again to film Earl sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose.

The scene cuts to footage of a parking lot next to a building with a sign out front that reads Red Moon Falls Sheriff's Department. The camera zooms in on two deputies, the one from the previous scene, and a woman, both in uniform, leaning up against a dark brown cruiser.

EARL: "I've known Duke since gradeschool. We've been... sorta friends, I guess, though he's always had a tendency to just go off all half-cocked, investigating anything he considered strange. That only got worse in high school when he kept accusing some of our shorter classmates of being leprechauns."

In white lettering underneath the man appear his name, age, and his job. Earl Tuckett, aged 33, sheriff's department deputy. Earl is a large, slim man, with short-trimmed blonde hair, his eyes obscured by his aviators.

BECKY: "Of course, the fact that he was right about two of them didn't help calm him down any."

This comes from what is apparently Earl's partner. A black woman who is chuckling to herself while she is slowly shaking her head. Beneath her appears the lettering as well. Becky Ways, age 38, sheriff's department sergeant.

BECKY: "The very next week he was badgering my cousin Jerry about it. Jerry's always been a bit on the short side, and he grew a beard to try and seem more mature. And for Duke, being short and bearded is all the evidence he needs to suspect someone of being a leprechaun."

EARL: "Contrary to popular belief, leprechauns are actually more than just mischievous... they can be dangerous, and after exposing them, the two Duke revealed to everyone did try to kill him."

BECKY: "True. But remember when he though you were bitten by a werewolf?"

Earl grimaces and nods.

EARL:"Yeah... he kept poking me with a piece of silver he super-glued to a stick whenever he thought I wasn't looking for, like, a month before he finally just accepted that my old dog, Wolfy, was the one who accidentally bit me."

Becky laughs at that.

BECKY: "Duke's always been crazy. But his heart is in the right place... well, most of the time. Of course, in addition to investigating things that are strange and supernatural, he also tries various schemes to get rich quick. Hell, I think that that's why he was so adamant about finding those leprechauns in the first place. I mean, the very next day after he killed them and set fire to their nest... which was under the school's gymnasium, he was at the pawn shop selling the gold he had found."

EARL: "Of course, all the money he made from that gold had to be repaid to the school for burning down a large portion OF the gymnasium. He used a pickaxe, that I don't even want to know where he got it from, to break through the middle of the basketball court to get at the nest. Then, after he gathered up all the loot, which was like a pocket-full of gold coins, he poured in some lighter fluid, lit a match, and walked away! I asked him about it later and he had just assumed that the fire would burn out before the flooring, which was made of polished hardwood I might add, would catch fire... But yeah, Duke has kinda been a bit of a troublemaker on more than one occasion. So when the position of the town 'Fixer' became available due to the previous one falling into some kind of dark void filled with staring eyes, the council and the sheriff went ahead and nominated Duke without his consent."

The footage cuts back to Duke, who is walking out of the blind man's home. Duke turns to the open door where the camera catches the man sobbing on the floor, scooping up ashes into a bowl.

DUKE: "Sorry again."

Duke lights another blunt.

SIMON: "YOU GET OUT OF HERE!"

DUKE: "I'm going!"

Duke starts walking down the street with Earl in step beside him.

EARL: "You seriously didn't stop to double-check the address?!"

DUKE: "I was close enough!"

Duke walks with his crowbar slung over one shoulder.

EARL: "And I seriously don't understand why your first instinct whenever you have a 'Special Assignment' in this part of town is to go over and investigate poor Mr. Simmons? Like, what the hell is that even about?"

DUKE: "Mark my words, that little milky-eyed f[BLEEP]ker is up to something."

They approach a much more run-down house, with part of the porch having collapsed, the front yard grass overgrown and full of weeds. Part of the fence has been smashed down, and most of the windows are boarded up. Out in front were two deputy cruisers, their lights brightly flashing, the officers on duty having set blue wooden police barricades. The camera slowly pans over the other houses back to Mr. Simmon's property, where Duke's truck is still parked, through a section of the picket fence, with the smashed remnants of a lawn gnome around one tire.

EARL: "How high are you today?"

DUKE: "Not enough to make this hangover better. So, is this the place?"

Earl sighs, making Duke chuckle.

DUKE: "Calm down, it was just a joke. Hey, Becky."

BECKY: "Hey, Duke. Are you still dealing with the haunting?"

DUKE: "Yeah. I got an idea of where that piece of sh[BLEEP]t's body is buried, so sometime later today I'll go dig 'em up and see if that does anything to it. Now, are the kids still alive?"

BECKY: "We believe so. A couple of the deputies who went around back said they saw Tom and Sarah beating on the attic windows, trying to break it to escape. Per regulation, we haven't gone inside yet."

Duke nods and flicks his current spent joint away.

DUKE: "Good. Less people I need to worry about getting in the way."

He unslings his crowbar, running his thumb and index finger along it, whispering in an unknown language that sounds similar to German, but with more choking sounds. Along the dark metal different symbols carved into it start to glow, some red, some green, some blue, and an orange one in the shape of an eye. The pupil in it moves to track the camera's movement and even blinks. Duke turns to look at the camera.

[Fast-Paced Dark Synthwave Music Begins to Play]

DUKE: "Alright, I'll go in first, and you guys follow, but be sure to stay behind me. I can't guarantee your safety as it is."

Duke then pulls from seemingly out of nowhere a black ceramic mask of a glaring skull face with glowing red eyes. There are no straps to the mask, yet when he sticks it onto his face, it just stays put.

DUKE: "Let's rock and roll, motherf[BLEEP]kers." Duke's voice has become much deeper.

Duke walks up the broken concrete pathway through the grass and up to the door. He kicks the door in and runs inside. The camera waits a minute as a loud howling shriek of many simultaneous voices rings out, causing the camera to vibrate. With the voice dying down, the cameraperson starts rushing after Duke and up the creaking wooden steps and through the door. Inside Duke is beating a shadowy, vaguely humanoid figure in the head with the crowbar. It lets out a howl of pain before going down. Duke then stabs the flat straight part of the crowbar through its chest area, and it lets out another shriek before shriveling up, turning into a black, burnt husk. Inside the dilapidated house, where part of the ceiling has fallen through, the walls are stained with brown splotches.

The camera is able to get a shot of the living room, in which a pale white, sagging fleshy, many-armed creature is sluggishly heading towards Duke. On the walls is a spider-like thing with the face of a hissing hairless cat in the center of its yellow and black striped body. When the cat-spider jumps at Duke, he swiftly pulls a revolver out of nowhere and fires. The creature splatters against the wall, its blood starting to eat through the material. Duke then fires three times into the pale thing. A blue light shines out from each bullet hole. There is a high-pitched pig-like squeal, and the pale thing sags in on itself, deflating like a balloon. Its flesh slowly starts to slough off into a pale puddle that bubbles and writhes. Duke starts stomping towards the stairs, stopping and staring at a coat rack for a moment. He shoots it, and it too screeches, now squirming and wriggling like a giant worm. It curls up and falls over, twitching around the large gaping wound near the top.

The camera follows Duke up the stairs as he reloads the revolver. He shoots a rug at the top of the stairs, which instantly hisses and bursts into green flames that quickly die out.

DUKE: "Oh yeah, this is a nasty infestation."

Duke turns to look at the camera.

DUKE: "I'm pretty sure there's something big upstairs, so watch out."

He then continues to stomp up the stairs. He stops at a closed hallway closet door, and fires twice into it. It swings open and a headless corpse holding a butchers knife falls out, sprawling on the floor. He turns and hurls the crowbar at some kind of purple glowing mist seeping out of the open bathroom, simultaneously firing two rounds into the master bedroom. Black liquid starts pouring out from some invisible entity. The mist coalesces around the crowbar, which glows a bright orange that turns into flames, burning the mist away. It clatters to the floor, Duke being quick to pick it up.

DUKE: "F[BLEEP]K! That's hot!"

He drops the crowbar which glows for a few more seconds before fading back into it's regular dull black color. Duke is a little hesitant as he picks it back up. He reloads the spent bullets while reaching up for the pull-down cord leading to the attic. A red-skinned tentacle immediately reaches down for Duke the second the wooden ladder hits the floor, but he stabs it with the hooked edge of the crowbar. It leaves a deep purple gash, and the tentacle slithters back up and away, letting out a rumble sounding like distant thunder. Duke scrambles up the ladder, firing several times into the dark.

DUKE: "I SEE YOU, C[BLEEP]KSUCKER!"

There is a loud roar that shakes the house. After a few seconds of silence, Duke carefully makes his way down the ladder, two smaller figures slung over his shoulder. One is a young boy, the other a girl, both with light brown hair, the girl's much longer. Both kids are wearing pajamas, the boy in blue, and the girl in pink.

DUKE: "Okay, let's get the f[BLEEP]k outta here."

The camera follows Duke down the stairs, until he makes them stop halfway down. Out from the wall bursts a large gray arm. Rather than burst through the wall, it is as though the wall itself is made of liquid, ripples still dancing along it. The long arm has too many elbow joints to count, and seventeen clawed fingers that are the same way, twisting every which way and tightly grasping at air. Duke smashes his crowbar into the palm, causing a loud crunch. Swinging again, he breaks several fingers, making the sound of dry wood snapping in the process. After some more struggling, he pins the arm to the bottom of the stairs.

DUKE: "Go over the railing! Well, go on, dumbass!"

The camera jerks and swings wildly as the cameraperson goes over the railing. The camera catches glimpses of the arms and legs of the boom mic operator, as well as a brief glimpse of the boom mic. The camera then shows Duke pulling out a silver flask and popping the lid off with his free hand. He starts splashing the liquid on the arm. Then he takes a final puff of yet another joint in his mouth before dropping it onto the arm. Flames spark to life and race along the arm, an inhuman shriek ringing out from somewhere in the house. Duke shouts as his right shoe catches fire.

DUKE: "F[BLEEEEEEEEEEEP]K!!!"

He leaps over the railing and sprints towards the open door, still carrying the children, the camera right behind. He runs out to the deputies and passes them the children before stopping, dropping, and rolling. His pant legs have also caught fire and, in his struggle, Duke kicks his shoes off before yanking off and kicking away his smoldering pants. He rips off his mask and takes some deep breaths. He then sees the camera and smiles while crossing his arms, standing there pantless in the street.

DUKE: "And that's why they like to call on me for these 'Special Assignments'."

The camera turns to show that the entire house is now engulfed in black and dark green smoke, with twisted faces grimacing in the smoke itself. All around a crowd of neighbors has started to gather.

[The footage fades to black just as the music stops. It fades back in on the same street, with Duke sitting on the open tailgate of his truck, eating a foil-wrapped sandwich.]

DUKE: "So yeah, the kids are fine. They're parents will meet them at the hospital. They're probably been worried out of their minds, what with their kids going missing yesterday morning. As you can see, the house itself burnt down."

The camera swings to show the few scant embers of the blackened burnt wreck of the house, with firefighters still taking care of things. It pans back over to Duke, who is in the middle of taking another bite of his sandwich.

DUKE: "And to answer your question, about what the f[BLEEP]k that was all about... I dunno."

He shrugs.

DUKE: "Truth is, there's a lot of stuff like that happening in this f[BLEEP]khole of a town. Folks have been trying to quantify it for a while now... but the problem there is that there just isn't any conceivable rhyme or reason to it all, at least not that I've seen. And I've seen a lot. Like a mailbox that every Tuesday will contain a letter giving the exact date and time of when the owner of the property the mailbox is on is going to die. And then on Thursdays, that same mailbox will have a letter in it offering to invalidate the previous prediction if the owner will take some nude pictures and put them in the mailbox. So far, none of its predictions that have reached the appointed date and time ever came true... though for the majority of the folks who got one, that's simply because something else weird killed them... or at least abducted them as some of their bodies have never been found. And don't get me started on that sinister as f[BLEEP]k duck pond over in the park."

Earl walks over, looking conflicted.

EARL: "Uh, hey, Duke..."

DUKE: "What's up, Earl?"

Duke swallows the last bite of his sandwich.

EARL: "Uh, I'm gunna need you to stand up and place your hands behind your back for me."

Earl pulls out a pair of cuffs.

DUKE: "What the f[BLEEP]k for?! I did as I was told in the letter! Oh don't tell me that this is about that blind f[BLEEP]ker, because that was an accident!"

EARL: "No, this is about you defacing Mr. Farwether's statue two nights ago. I gotta bring you in for vandalism."

Duke angrily complies.

DUKE: "This is such BULLSH[BLEEP]T! You got no proof it was me!"

The footage cuts to security cam footage showing Duke stumbling about of a bar. He walks along to a statue of a man with a beard riding a horse and promptly flips it off. He then stands there, seeming to think for a moment before pulling out a can of spray paint, walking up to the statue, he starts to spraying the words ASSHAT along the side of the horse, as well as a hand giving the middle finger onto the plaque in front of the statue in bright red paint. Duke then proceeds to throw up on a bench next to the plaque and statue, before wandering off. The man on the horse then turns its head and shakes its fist at the direction Duke had wandered off camera. That's when the spray can comes flying back, smacking the stone-rider in the face.

Back to the present, Duke has been cuffed and is now watching the footage on Earl's phone.

DUKE: "... Well, that could be anybody!"

EARL: "Alright, we can figure this all out down at the station. I'll have to have your truck towed."

DUKE: "No! Just leave it where it is! It's not like the blind c[BLEEP]k even knows its there!"

EARL: "Sorry, Duke."

Becky is chuckling as she holds open the door to the back seat of their cruiser for Duke.

DUKE: "Oh yeah, laugh it up! Wait until my lawyer hears about this!"

BECKY: "Seeing as how he's in the drunk tank, I'm sure you can tell him all about it yourself."

Becky laughed as she shut the door and walked around to the driver's seat. The camera then fades to black.

[Roll Credits]