#redmoonfalls

Hiya there, folks! I'm happy to have finished this second episode! I had fun writing it, and I hope you all have as much fun reading it!

Red Moon Falls (Episode 2)

by

Elite Shade

[Sinister Intro Music]

ANNOUNCER: "In a world where sinister forces lurk in the shadows, where the truth is obscured by mystery, and where legends and nightmares hide and wait, there is a place where the paranormal and the unexplainable happen with unnerving frequency."

[Flashes of images of a blurry humanoid figure moving between trees in a forest, transitioning to images of lights in the sky above a desert.]

ANNOUNCER: "The town of Red Moon Falls. On the surface, it is a sleepy small desert community. Skulking just beneath this visage of Small Town America are paranormal powers at work. And there is only one person keeping the darkness at bay, a man who delves into the deep of the unknown to do battle."

[Fade to Black, followed by words in large red print reading 'Blood Moon Falls', before fading to black again.]

The camera fades in on Duke standing in a hole, shoveling out some more dirt onto a nearby pile. He is shirtless, revealing a series of scars ranging from bullet wounds to claw marks to stab wounds, to one that is curiously shaped like Abraham Lincoln's profile from the penny. He sticks his shovel back in the dirt and lets go to stop and rest. Wiping some sweat off his brow with one work-glove adorned hand, and using the other to take a long swig from a silver flask with the other, Duke looks up, seemingly surprised.

DUKE: "Oh, hey there, a[BLEEP]holes!" He chuckles. "So we're still doin' this sh[BLEEP]t? Alright, fine. So, uh, for one, I'm out of jail. My grandma paid my bond, which was real nice of her. Though she made me promise to re-shingle her roof in exchange. I don't mind doin' that, but she expects me not to drink or smoke anything beforehand, and that's really the only way I can actually stand to do any kind of work... well, unless I'm good and p[BLEEP]sed off and planning some kind of revenge. Still, it's nice to be out and about again. Though I do have a court date, which sucks, but it is what it is. Worst comes to worst, I'll have some community service to do, and I can always drink and smoke some good sh[BLEEP]t while I do that. And, uh... oh! You're probably wonderin' why I'm here digging this hole!"

At that, Duke takes another swig from his flask.

DUKE: "Okay, so, remember when I said that there was a poltergeist in my house? Well, that f[BLEEP]ker is still there, and it's still trying to kill me. The latest attempt was it trying to trick me using a trail of candy to a large wooden box in my living room, being held up by a stick that had a string wrapped around it that led just around the corner to my hallway."

He snorts before looking down and kicking a clod of dirt.

DUKE: "I may have been a little stoned when I went in my house earlier and, well, I was able to kick my way out of the box... right after that f[BLEEP]kin' poltergeist started grabbing random knives and a couple machetes I thought I lost and driving them into it, trying to stab me."

Duke pulls out a rolled joint from his shirt pocket and lights it, taking a drag.

DUKE: "So yeah, I decided to take care of the poltergeist situation once and for all. As I said before, I had a pretty good idea where the piece of sh[BLEEP]t that is currently haunting my house was buried, and that is right here, in the Hazelwood cemetery. I found all this out after I looked into some info about my house and the previous owner. Aside from them possibly being turned into a wendigo shortly before I bought it at an awesome discount, there's nothing of note there in the house's history. Finally, I was able to get my friend that we in town call Psychic Pete, great guy and a decent medium when he's not trying to upsell ya on his services; to try and get a reading on the entity in my house. Son of a b[BLEEP]tch tried to upsell me on a cleansing, but I wasn't in the mood to fall for it. Anyways, he agreed that the body is up here somewhere."

Duke sticks the blade of the shovel into the dirt again, scooping some more out, the joint between his lips.

DUKE: "As for the significance of knowing the location of this entity's body, well, a lot of folks have a lot of different ideas of how to get the haunting to stop. Some of the more religious types figure blessing or praying over the grave will help dispel it, put it to rest, etc. Some think that random crystals they bought from some soft-speaking jackass of a hippie will do something, but like prayer, that's just a fresh steamy load of horesh[BLEEP]t. I myself like to take more of a scientific approach to the situation."

The shovel hits something solid, causing Duke to chuckle. He scoops out some more dirt, before bending down. There's a few inaudible grunts coming from the hole, before a loud creak and a CRUNCH is heard. Duke stands up with a large chunk of wood that he casually tosses aside.

DUKE: "Basically, first, you confirm that this is the correct body. Now, since I don't know the actual name of the person this 'geist used to be, I kinda had to utilize a little trial and error."

The camera zooms out to reveal thirty to forty graves that have also all been dug up, some with body parts scattered around them. Zooming back in on Duke, he bends down again, this time popping back up, hoisting out an ashen gray mummified corpse wearing a brown suit and tie. He unceremoniously tosses it by the opened grave. Leaning over, he snorts and spits right in the corpse's face, before using the blade of the shovel to jab the side of its head. The camera suddenly vibrates, and Duke yelps as he goes flying up out of the hole, to drop back onto the ground next to the corpse, his joint still in his mouth.

DUKE: "That's a big 'ol yes."

Duke dusts himself off and turns to the camera with a smile.

DUKE: "Step two of my scientific process to get rid of this annoying f[BLEEP]king haunting, is to then power up the trusty wood chipper I'm currently renting from Jai, who owns the local hardware store."

Duke points and the camera quickly pans a little to the right to reveal the bright orange machine. He walks over to it and fires it up.

DUKE: "Step three is to carefully, and respectfully, shove the assh[BLEEP]le's corpse through the wood chipper headfirst, pour salt on the chunks, burn them, salt them again, and then rebury it all. Easy, peasy, and with no added hassle--WOAH!"

With the blades spinning, Duke was suddenly shoved forward by something invisible, now gripping the sides of the mouth of the chipper as the force keeps trying to shove his head in.

DUKE: "WELL, AT LEAST IT'S OUT OF MY HOUSE! KOFFESHA!"

A green energy began to radiate from Duke's body. There is an ear-splitting shriek that causes the camera to vibrate as he flings himself away from the wood chipper. The town fixer scoops up the corpse and, with a heave, rams it in headfirst. There is a harsh grinding sound as the dried corpse is fed into the woodchipper. Out came spraying the dried chunks of what used to be a human being, all the while Duke is pushing the legs in, taking drags from his joint. When at last the feet were sucked in, he stepped away. Stooping down, he picks up a canister of salt and walks over to the pile of chunks.

DUKE: "Ashes to ashes, chunks to chunks, motherf[BLEEP]ker."

He proceeds to pour the salt onto the pile, before turning to have his back to the camera. There is a ZIP, succeeded by a steady trickling sound.

[The picture fades to black, with it fading back in, not with the camera in Duke's truck.]

DUKE: "So yeah, all in all, I'd say that that wasn't too bad. Not nearly as much of a pain in my a[BLEEP] as the time I had to fight that drunk hag down at the marsh. 'Course, now that I can go back inside my house, I gotta start cleaning up whatever mess that f[BLEEP]knugget left me behind."

Duke lights another joint as he drives, taking a few puffs. He is now wearing a bright blue Hawaiian shirt with a long white hooked claw on a necklace. The camera pans to out the window, showing the rocky and sandy landscape passing by. Above was a bright blue sky, the sun not yet near the center, with a few small scattered clouds lazily drifting by. In addition to various rock formations, there was the occasional cactus and ocatilla, all with blooming flowers visible.

DUKE: "By the way, I did take a look at the name on the headstone after I got done reburying the remains. It said his name was Calvin Hobart. Took me a minute to think back on it, and then I remembered where I knew that name from. Son of a b[BLEEP]tch and I went to high school together. He was this little weird dude who always stank, stared at any girl he thought was pretty, to the point where it started creeping them out, and then would get, like, ridiculously angry every time a girl he asked out shot him down. He'd yell, call them whores, say that he never gets a chance, blah blah blah."

Duke takes another drag from his joint.

DUKE: "If you tried to tell him that no girl wants to go out with a guy who stinks and who stares without saying anything, he'd just blow up at you and claim you were picking on him. Anyways, he hated me. Claimed that I stole some girls right out from under him. All I did was ask Sarah McArthur out, apparently a few minutes after she told him no. That happened a few times, and I had no freakin' idea at the time. Then he tried to fight me in the school parking lot, no idea why. It was... actually pretty sad. My grandma ninety threw harder punches than that guy. I still laid him out flat, I just didn't feel good about it... oh, and, uh, I may have taken, like, fifty bucks from his wallet after the fight was over, but as far as I'm concerned, that was just him paying the Dumba[BLEEP] Tax."

Duke sighs and holds up a gold ring with a large amethyst embedded in it. The camera zooms in on the words Shimmer Hills High School engraved in a circle around the stone. Duke then turns to look just past the camera to the back seat.

DUKE: "Oh, and f[BLEEP]k you, boom mic guy! Me taking this ring is just good 'ol Calvin paying the Dumba[BLEEP] Tax again! I'm not some degenerate graverobber!"

The camera shifts to look at the black duffel bag laying next to Duke. Printed on the side, in white calligraphy, were the words Graverobbing Kit. The camera is forcibly yanked up to look Duke in the face.

DUKE: "I will have you know that that was a gag gift from a friend! It's not like I have an actual kit for diggin' up and robbing graves, or that I'd be dumb enough to keep them in a bag advertising what they were on the side of it!"

Duke reaches down and grabs the bag to move it, only for some of the contents to spill out. This included a foldable shovel, a small pickaxe, a flashlight, and a large ziplock bag filled with jewelry, gold watches and, as the camera zooms in close, some gold teeth. Duke hastily starts stuffing everything back inside while trying to keep his eyes on the road.

DUKE: "That doesn't prove a damn thing!"

[Commercial Break]

[The camera fades in as Duke is pulling into his driveway.]

DUKE: "I still can't believe that f[BLEEP]kstick actually asked me if I used that f[BLEEP]king wood chipper to dispose of a corpse! He had no way of knowing that that was a chunk of human bone that fell out!"

Duke mutters to himself as he gets out of the truck. The camera is jostled as the crew quickly exit the vehicle. Just as Duke starts walking towards the front door, he turns and shakes his head.

DUKE: "Oh now, what's this c[BLEEP]ksucker want?!"

The camera turns to show a bright red '57 Plymouth Fury pulling up just outside the gate to the chain link fence. Out steps an older man with a completely shaved head in just a white shirt and jeans.

MARVIN: "Hey son!"

DUKE: "Dad, what the f[BLEEP]k are you doing here?! If Mom finds out you're back in town, she's gunna shoot ya again."

Duke is rubbing his temples as his father hops over the fence, holding up a rolled piece of parchment.

MARVIN: "Aw, come on, Bud, Lucy's not gunna find out. I just wanted to stop by and see my favorite son."

[The footage cuts to Duke sitting on a lawn chair for a talking head interview, a bottle of beer in his hand.]

DUKE: "Don't get me wrong, I love my dad."

Duke takes a swig of beer before continuing.

DUKE: "But I'm the only one of his kids who actually still talks to him. See, I know folks talk about how I try get rich quick schemes... and fine, I do. And it's gotten me into a little trouble now and again."

The footage cuts to show a photo of a school gymnasium engulfed in flames.

DUKE: "But that's nothing compared to the ridiculous sh[BLEEP]t my old man gets up to. He's started about ten or eleven cults, I think, I actually lost count after that one about where he claimed to be a magic space wizard with a sword made of pure energy. Oh, and all of them are based on popular movies. Like the one where he claimed that aliens were going to attack most major cities on the 4th of July."

Duke takes another sip of his beer, and then a drag from a joint, and shakes his head.

DUKE: "Not really sure where he was going with that one where he tried to convert the motel he was staying at into some kind of fantasy chocolate factory, but he still went for it nonetheless. Though, I will say, him ending up on the news and getting arrested can be pretty entertaining."

Cut to a clip showing a procession of people in handcuffs wearing white robes, their skin all painted orange with green dyed hair. Two officers then exited a motel room, dragging a yelling and squirming Marvin, wearing a purple tophat and matching coat.

MARVIN: "YOU GOT NOTHIN' ON ME, YA B[BLEEP]ARDS! NOT A DAMN THING! I GOT A WILLY FOR Y'ALL TA WONK ON, YA F[BLEEP]KS!"

Back to Duke who now has his head in his hands, not looking up at the camera.

DUKE: "In case you guys didn't read the part of the pamphlet I'm sure Susie gave you, I'm gunna be straight with you and let you know that my family is kinda cursed, at least on my Dad's side of things. To summarize, someone in the past that I'm related to made some kind of deal or something with some kind of creature or entity or maybe a conscious force of nature. They got what they wanted, but then their bloodline got cursed, and now the curse manifests in the seventh son of a seventh son."

At this Duke looks back up into the camera.

DUKE: "Three f[BLEEP]king guesses as to what I am. My dad's a seventh son and, wanting to have a lot of kids for what I'm sure was another scheme he came up with after going to the movies, he stopped after number six with his wife at the time. And then started dating my mom without telling her he was married. They got hitched, him hiding his original wife and family, and instantly got to work making me. See, because he's a f[BLEEP]king idiot, he didn't think that it was collectively the number of kids you sired. He just thought it was seven per woman you impregnate. So yeah, that was all a fun little surprise to find out on my thirteenth birthday! That and the fact that my mom and me were his secret second family!"

Duke takes another, deeper swig of his beer.

DUKE: "... F[BLEEP]kin' dumba[BLEEP]...

[The film returns to Duke and Marvin standing in his front yard.]

MARVIN: "Where's my hug, buddy?"

Marvin, still clutching the parchment in his hand, holds open his arms for a hug.

DUKE: "No."

MARVIN: "Huh?"

DUKE: "The answer's no, Dad. I'm not getting involved in whatever scheme you're cooking up now."

Duke turns to walk away.

MARVIN: "Woah, woah! Hold your horses there, buddy! I'm not cooking up any schemes..."

Duke snorts and takes a drag of his joint.

DUKE: "Then what's with the parchment?"

MARVIN: "Well, I know how much you love going around and investigating paranormal phenomena, and I thought that you might be interested in what I came across when I... borrowed a friend's grandpa's old steamer trunk!"

Marvin proudly presents the parchment, holding it out for his son to take it. Duke, however, doesn't reach for it at all.

DUKE: "Dad... did you get yourself mixed up with another cursed object? 'Cause I told you last Christmas, after that f[BLEEP]kin' nutcracker came to life and tried to cut out my liver to eat, that you were on your own as far as curses go."

MARVIN: "Son, I remember, and I just felt so bad about it. I mean, I still had fun on that Vegas trip I went on the day after, but I was still really concerned."

DUKE: "Really? 'Cause it seemed like you thought it was all really funny, especially when that little f[BLEEP]kstick BIT OFF MY LEFT NUT!!!"

Marvin tapped the parchment to his chin.

MARVIN: "Well, hell, boy. How many times do I gotta keep apologizin' for that whole fiasco?"

DUKE: "At least once would be a nice change of pace!"

MARVIN: "... Well, anyway, here, a little something that I got and made me think of you."

Again, Marvin held out the parchment.

DUKE: "Dad... is this a cursed item? Just shoot straight with me."

MARVIN: "Son, you know that I'm a straight shootin' cowboy, above all else."

DUKE: "... So it's definitely cursed then."

MARVIN: "Okay! Okay, ya got me!"

Marvin throws his hands up into the air in exasperation.

MARVIN: "This scroll or whatever you call it is cursed! And I need to get rid of it."

DUKE: "I take it that it's something that to pass on, has to be taken from you willingly, right?"

Marvin looks down at his shoes, his free hand in his pocket. Duke sighs and holds out his hand.

DUKE: "This is the last f[BLEEP]kin' time, Dad. I mean it."

MARVIN: "Oh, thank ya son!"

He hands Duke the scroll, and immediately starts running to the fence.

MARVIN: "If ya live through the night, call me!"

Marvin yells this without even looking over his shoulder as he hops the fence. He then gets back in his car and quickly peels out.

[Cut back to Duke sitting in the lawn chair, now holding up the scroll.]

DUKE: "If I didn't take it, he woulda just begged and pleaded and refused to leave, and try a whole bunch of annoying bullsh[BLEEP]t. Not really sure what this curse is yet, but I'd rather deal with it, rather than him, any f[BLEEP]king day."

A series of overlapping whispering voices can be heard, slowly rising in volume.

DUKE: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. Let's get this sh[BLEEP]t over with."

He unrolls the parchment and starts to read something on it.

DUKE: "Huh... been awhile since I've seen one of these f[BLEEP]kin' things."

The parchment shudders, and a skeletal hand and arm shoots out from the center of the scroll. The inky black and dripping bony clawed fingers grab Duke by the throat, as the skull of a full blackened skeleton starts to rise from the scroll.

DUKE: "BRING IT, SH[BLEEP]TSTAIN!!!"

[Roll Credits]

Hey there, folks! I'm coming at you today with something a little bit different from my previous works, and not just the format either! This story was inspired by my love for horror, as well as comedy. And I've decided to start uploading it since we are now in the middle of my favorite month, October! I hope that you enjoy it!

Red Moon Falls (Pilot Episode)

by

ShadowBunnyDragon

[Sinister Intro Music]

ANNOUNCER: "In a world where sinister forces lurk in the shadows, where the truth is obscured by mystery, and where legends and nightmares hide and wait, there is a place where the paranormal and the unexplainable happen with unnerving frequency."

[Flashes of images of a blurry humanoid figure moving between trees in a forest, transitioning to images of lights in the sky above a desert.]

ANNOUNCER: "The town of Red Moon Falls. On the surface, it is a sleepy small desert community. Skulking just beneath this visage of Small Town America are paranormal powers at work. And there is only one person keeping the darkness at bay, a man who delves into the deep of the unknown to do battle."

[Fade to Black, followed by words in large red print reading 'Blood Moon Falls', before fading to black again.]

The camera fades back in, showing a small ranch-style house sitting behind a gravel driveway. It's white with a peach trim, and a brown shingled roof. In the front yard, behind the chain-link fence, is a cactus garden, the borders of which are made by random rocks. The different species of cacti are in bloom with multicolored flowers. As the camera walks towards the front gate, a loud groan can be heard, and the camera whips around to focus on the black truck parked next to the fence in the empty lot next door. The passenger door opens as a man with coarse beard stubble, wearing nothing but bright blue boxers, steps out and blearily looks around. His chestnut brown hair is mussed up with bedhead. A clinking can be heard as several glass bottles tumble out from the truck right behind him. He looks right at the camera, a lit joint in his mouth.

DUKE: "Who the f[BLEEP]k are you a[BLEEP]holes?"

[Scene fades to black, fading back in.]

The man from before is sitting on a lawn chair next to the mailbox attached to the fence. He is now wearing a pair of jeans with black sneakers, and a black t-shirt. His hair has been combed and is now in a loose ponytail. He is wearing a pair of black sunglasses while sipping on a drink. Just below him in white letters is the name Duke Lafayette, Age 27, Town Fixer.

DUKE: "I didn't think were were going to still be doing this, after what happened to that last camera crew."

He takes a sip.

DUKE: "To answer that question you asked, boom mic guy, the reason I slept in my truck out in the lot over there last night is because my house is currently haunted again. It's a poltergeist this time, so simply getting drunk and passing out to ignore it and get some sleep is not much of an option. What with it trying to cut my head off with a meat cleaver. So instead I got drunk and passed out in my truck."

He takes another sip and uses his free hand to rub his temple.

DUKE: "And I'm sorry if I was a bit grouchy, I know you guys are just doing your job, and I hope you're getting hazard pay after, y'know, the last group. I'm just a little hungover, and a little irritated. See, today is Tuesday, and if there is any special bullsh[BLEEP] that the sheriff or the town council feel like making me do, I'm gunna get a letter from one of them soon enough."

The camera turns to face a mail truck puttering up the street. It comes to a stop and the mail carrier, a bald man in his fifties, gets out. He smiles and nods to Duke, who nods back. The mailman places a stack of envelopes into the mailbox. With a wave, he gets back into his truck and starts driving off. Duke sighs and reaches into the mailbox, starting to thumb through the mail.

DUKE: "Junk, junk, junk... ah, geeze."

The camera focuses on the letter Duke is holding in up and looking at. It is bright green, matching a large bright green manilla folder. He opens the envelope and starts to read it, a frown forming on his face.

DUKE: "Well, that's just f[BLEEP]in' wonderful."

[Commercial Break]

The scene jumps to Duke driving his truck, houses passing by outside the vehicle.

DUKE: "Ok, look guys, I know that you've been briefed on the sheriff and then you watched that video of that first camera crew that followed me being eaten by a couch that grew a mouth, fangs, and apparently a really fast digestive tract within the first five minutes of them filming me. So I feel that you have a better idea of just how strange and dangerous this town is than they did, and that you'll learn from their mistake and not turn on any random lava lamps you see just sitting there in the middle of the floor of any room. And when I tell you to do something, do it! ... Unless it's a doppelganger of me telling you, in which case you need to do the exact opposite."

The truck pulls up to a white house with a white picket fence and, after killing the engine, Duke angrily gets out and starts stomping up the gravel driveway. The front door opens and out steps a man wearing a charcoal gray suit and tie. The man is bald and wearing a large pair of sunglasses, and tapping a long white cane on the ground in front of him.

SIMON: "Yes? Can I help you?" the man asks in a timid voice. Duke looks the man up and down for a moment, taking a long drag off the joint in his mouth before flicking it away, and then delivers a hard punch to the man's stomach. The blind man gasps and doubles over, with Duke grabbing his tie and open-handedly slapping his face as hard as he can.

DUKE: "I always knew you were up to something, you sinister-looking motherf[BLEEP]er! Where're the children?!"

SIMON: "I-I don't know w-what you're talking about!"

The man is actively crying as Duke manhandles him, throwing the man stumbling back into the house. Duke pulls out a crowbar as he enters, immediately swinging and smashing a ceramic vase on a table near the door. The camera shakes as the cameraperson runs inside right behind Duke.

DUKE: "You think I'm messing around, ASSH[BLEEP]?! I'm not fallin' for your 'I'm blind and helpless' trick! I'll tear this whole house apart until I find those f[BLEEP]in' kids!"

To emphasize this, Duke begins smashing holes in the wall, ripping out chunks of drywall.

SIMON: "I don't know how many times I have to tell you, but I AM BLIND!"

The man is on the floor, feeling around for his cane, his glasses hanging loosely off one ear, revealing two milky white eyes staring into nothing for the camera.

DUKE: "BULLSH[BLEEP]T!"

Duke kicks over a bookshelf, sending books crashing everywhere.

DUKE: "If you're blind, then why do you have all these books?!"

SIMON: "They're braille!"

The man, crying and trying to get up, now swinging his cane too and fro, smacking the cameraperson, causing them to stumble and jostle the camera.

SIMON: "Take that!"

DUKE: "A likely f[BLEEP]king story!"

Duke then grabs an urn off a nearby table, opening it and looking inside.

DUKE: "And what's this powder in this jar, huh? You drug the kids first before you perform whatever sick f[BLEEP]king rituals you want on them?!"

SIMON: "A jar... THOSE ARE MY WIFE'S ASHES!"

DUKE: "BULLSH[BLEEP]T!"

Duke then dumps the ashes in the urn on the floor.

SIMON: "Wh-what are you doing?!"

The blind man is facing away from Duke, feebly swinging his cane in the air.

DUKE: "Tell me where the kids are, or I'm gunna p[BLEEP]s on this powder. I don't know what it is, but considering how prominently you displayed it on that table, it's pretty goddamn important to you, freak! NOW TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!!!"

The sound of a zipper being unzipped can be heard.

SIMON: "YOU LEAVE MIRRIAM ALONE YOU MONSTER!"

DUKE: "F[BLEEP]K YOU!!!"

Duke holds his crowbar menacingly with one hand while there is a trickling sound heard. The blind man is following the sound, gripping his cane in both hands, ready to start swinging again, when both men freeze at the sound of a knock on the door. The camera turns to see a sheriff's deputy, wearing a forest green uniform shirt and darker green pants standing at the still-open door and looking in.

EARL: "Duke... what the hell are you doing?"

DUKE: "Not now, Earl, I'm dealing with the 'Special Case' that d[BLEEP]khead of a sheriff sent me on!"

The camera swings back around to see Duke advancing on the blind man.

EARL: "Duke... the address for that assignment is three houses down!"

The camera swings again to film Earl sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose.

The scene cuts to footage of a parking lot next to a building with a sign out front that reads Red Moon Falls Sheriff's Department. The camera zooms in on two deputies, the one from the previous scene, and a woman, both in uniform, leaning up against a dark brown cruiser.

EARL: "I've known Duke since gradeschool. We've been... sorta friends, I guess, though he's always had a tendency to just go off all half-cocked, investigating anything he considered strange. That only got worse in high school when he kept accusing some of our shorter classmates of being leprechauns."

In white lettering underneath the man appear his name, age, and his job. Earl Tuckett, aged 33, sheriff's department deputy. Earl is a large, slim man, with short-trimmed blonde hair, his eyes obscured by his aviators.

BECKY: "Of course, the fact that he was right about two of them didn't help calm him down any."

This comes from what is apparently Earl's partner. A black woman who is chuckling to herself while she is slowly shaking her head. Beneath her appears the lettering as well. Becky Ways, age 38, sheriff's department sergeant.

BECKY: "The very next week he was badgering my cousin Jerry about it. Jerry's always been a bit on the short side, and he grew a beard to try and seem more mature. And for Duke, being short and bearded is all the evidence he needs to suspect someone of being a leprechaun."

EARL: "Contrary to popular belief, leprechauns are actually more than just mischievous... they can be dangerous, and after exposing them, the two Duke revealed to everyone did try to kill him."

BECKY: "True. But remember when he though you were bitten by a werewolf?"

Earl grimaces and nods.

EARL:"Yeah... he kept poking me with a piece of silver he super-glued to a stick whenever he thought I wasn't looking for, like, a month before he finally just accepted that my old dog, Wolfy, was the one who accidentally bit me."

Becky laughs at that.

BECKY: "Duke's always been crazy. But his heart is in the right place... well, most of the time. Of course, in addition to investigating things that are strange and supernatural, he also tries various schemes to get rich quick. Hell, I think that that's why he was so adamant about finding those leprechauns in the first place. I mean, the very next day after he killed them and set fire to their nest... which was under the school's gymnasium, he was at the pawn shop selling the gold he had found."

EARL: "Of course, all the money he made from that gold had to be repaid to the school for burning down a large portion OF the gymnasium. He used a pickaxe, that I don't even want to know where he got it from, to break through the middle of the basketball court to get at the nest. Then, after he gathered up all the loot, which was like a pocket-full of gold coins, he poured in some lighter fluid, lit a match, and walked away! I asked him about it later and he had just assumed that the fire would burn out before the flooring, which was made of polished hardwood I might add, would catch fire... But yeah, Duke has kinda been a bit of a troublemaker on more than one occasion. So when the position of the town 'Fixer' became available due to the previous one falling into some kind of dark void filled with staring eyes, the council and the sheriff went ahead and nominated Duke without his consent."

The footage cuts back to Duke, who is walking out of the blind man's home. Duke turns to the open door where the camera catches the man sobbing on the floor, scooping up ashes into a bowl.

DUKE: "Sorry again."

Duke lights another blunt.

SIMON: "YOU GET OUT OF HERE!"

DUKE: "I'm going!"

Duke starts walking down the street with Earl in step beside him.

EARL: "You seriously didn't stop to double-check the address?!"

DUKE: "I was close enough!"

Duke walks with his crowbar slung over one shoulder.

EARL: "And I seriously don't understand why your first instinct whenever you have a 'Special Assignment' in this part of town is to go over and investigate poor Mr. Simmons? Like, what the hell is that even about?"

DUKE: "Mark my words, that little milky-eyed f[BLEEP]ker is up to something."

They approach a much more run-down house, with part of the porch having collapsed, the front yard grass overgrown and full of weeds. Part of the fence has been smashed down, and most of the windows are boarded up. Out in front were two deputy cruisers, their lights brightly flashing, the officers on duty having set blue wooden police barricades. The camera slowly pans over the other houses back to Mr. Simmon's property, where Duke's truck is still parked, through a section of the picket fence, with the smashed remnants of a lawn gnome around one tire.

EARL: "How high are you today?"

DUKE: "Not enough to make this hangover better. So, is this the place?"

Earl sighs, making Duke chuckle.

DUKE: "Calm down, it was just a joke. Hey, Becky."

BECKY: "Hey, Duke. Are you still dealing with the haunting?"

DUKE: "Yeah. I got an idea of where that piece of sh[BLEEP]t's body is buried, so sometime later today I'll go dig 'em up and see if that does anything to it. Now, are the kids still alive?"

BECKY: "We believe so. A couple of the deputies who went around back said they saw Tom and Sarah beating on the attic windows, trying to break it to escape. Per regulation, we haven't gone inside yet."

Duke nods and flicks his current spent joint away.

DUKE: "Good. Less people I need to worry about getting in the way."

He unslings his crowbar, running his thumb and index finger along it, whispering in an unknown language that sounds similar to German, but with more choking sounds. Along the dark metal different symbols carved into it start to glow, some red, some green, some blue, and an orange one in the shape of an eye. The pupil in it moves to track the camera's movement and even blinks. Duke turns to look at the camera.

[Fast-Paced Dark Synthwave Music Begins to Play]

DUKE: "Alright, I'll go in first, and you guys follow, but be sure to stay behind me. I can't guarantee your safety as it is."

Duke then pulls from seemingly out of nowhere a black ceramic mask of a glaring skull face with glowing red eyes. There are no straps to the mask, yet when he sticks it onto his face, it just stays put.

DUKE: "Let's rock and roll, motherf[BLEEP]kers." Duke's voice has become much deeper.

Duke walks up the broken concrete pathway through the grass and up to the door. He kicks the door in and runs inside. The camera waits a minute as a loud howling shriek of many simultaneous voices rings out, causing the camera to vibrate. With the voice dying down, the cameraperson starts rushing after Duke and up the creaking wooden steps and through the door. Inside Duke is beating a shadowy, vaguely humanoid figure in the head with the crowbar. It lets out a howl of pain before going down. Duke then stabs the flat straight part of the crowbar through its chest area, and it lets out another shriek before shriveling up, turning into a black, burnt husk. Inside the dilapidated house, where part of the ceiling has fallen through, the walls are stained with brown splotches.

The camera is able to get a shot of the living room, in which a pale white, sagging fleshy, many-armed creature is sluggishly heading towards Duke. On the walls is a spider-like thing with the face of a hissing hairless cat in the center of its yellow and black striped body. When the cat-spider jumps at Duke, he swiftly pulls a revolver out of nowhere and fires. The creature splatters against the wall, its blood starting to eat through the material. Duke then fires three times into the pale thing. A blue light shines out from each bullet hole. There is a high-pitched pig-like squeal, and the pale thing sags in on itself, deflating like a balloon. Its flesh slowly starts to slough off into a pale puddle that bubbles and writhes. Duke starts stomping towards the stairs, stopping and staring at a coat rack for a moment. He shoots it, and it too screeches, now squirming and wriggling like a giant worm. It curls up and falls over, twitching around the large gaping wound near the top.

The camera follows Duke up the stairs as he reloads the revolver. He shoots a rug at the top of the stairs, which instantly hisses and bursts into green flames that quickly die out.

DUKE: "Oh yeah, this is a nasty infestation."

Duke turns to look at the camera.

DUKE: "I'm pretty sure there's something big upstairs, so watch out."

He then continues to stomp up the stairs. He stops at a closed hallway closet door, and fires twice into it. It swings open and a headless corpse holding a butchers knife falls out, sprawling on the floor. He turns and hurls the crowbar at some kind of purple glowing mist seeping out of the open bathroom, simultaneously firing two rounds into the master bedroom. Black liquid starts pouring out from some invisible entity. The mist coalesces around the crowbar, which glows a bright orange that turns into flames, burning the mist away. It clatters to the floor, Duke being quick to pick it up.

DUKE: "F[BLEEP]K! That's hot!"

He drops the crowbar which glows for a few more seconds before fading back into it's regular dull black color. Duke is a little hesitant as he picks it back up. He reloads the spent bullets while reaching up for the pull-down cord leading to the attic. A red-skinned tentacle immediately reaches down for Duke the second the wooden ladder hits the floor, but he stabs it with the hooked edge of the crowbar. It leaves a deep purple gash, and the tentacle slithters back up and away, letting out a rumble sounding like distant thunder. Duke scrambles up the ladder, firing several times into the dark.

DUKE: "I SEE YOU, C[BLEEP]KSUCKER!"

There is a loud roar that shakes the house. After a few seconds of silence, Duke carefully makes his way down the ladder, two smaller figures slung over his shoulder. One is a young boy, the other a girl, both with light brown hair, the girl's much longer. Both kids are wearing pajamas, the boy in blue, and the girl in pink.

DUKE: "Okay, let's get the f[BLEEP]k outta here."

The camera follows Duke down the stairs, until he makes them stop halfway down. Out from the wall bursts a large gray arm. Rather than burst through the wall, it is as though the wall itself is made of liquid, ripples still dancing along it. The long arm has too many elbow joints to count, and seventeen clawed fingers that are the same way, twisting every which way and tightly grasping at air. Duke smashes his crowbar into the palm, causing a loud crunch. Swinging again, he breaks several fingers, making the sound of dry wood snapping in the process. After some more struggling, he pins the arm to the bottom of the stairs.

DUKE: "Go over the railing! Well, go on, dumbass!"

The camera jerks and swings wildly as the cameraperson goes over the railing. The camera catches glimpses of the arms and legs of the boom mic operator, as well as a brief glimpse of the boom mic. The camera then shows Duke pulling out a silver flask and popping the lid off with his free hand. He starts splashing the liquid on the arm. Then he takes a final puff of yet another joint in his mouth before dropping it onto the arm. Flames spark to life and race along the arm, an inhuman shriek ringing out from somewhere in the house. Duke shouts as his right shoe catches fire.

DUKE: "F[BLEEEEEEEEEEEP]K!!!"

He leaps over the railing and sprints towards the open door, still carrying the children, the camera right behind. He runs out to the deputies and passes them the children before stopping, dropping, and rolling. His pant legs have also caught fire and, in his struggle, Duke kicks his shoes off before yanking off and kicking away his smoldering pants. He rips off his mask and takes some deep breaths. He then sees the camera and smiles while crossing his arms, standing there pantless in the street.

DUKE: "And that's why they like to call on me for these 'Special Assignments'."

The camera turns to show that the entire house is now engulfed in black and dark green smoke, with twisted faces grimacing in the smoke itself. All around a crowd of neighbors has started to gather.

[The footage fades to black just as the music stops. It fades back in on the same street, with Duke sitting on the open tailgate of his truck, eating a foil-wrapped sandwich.]

DUKE: "So yeah, the kids are fine. They're parents will meet them at the hospital. They're probably been worried out of their minds, what with their kids going missing yesterday morning. As you can see, the house itself burnt down."

The camera swings to show the few scant embers of the blackened burnt wreck of the house, with firefighters still taking care of things. It pans back over to Duke, who is in the middle of taking another bite of his sandwich.

DUKE: "And to answer your question, about what the f[BLEEP]k that was all about... I dunno."

He shrugs.

DUKE: "Truth is, there's a lot of stuff like that happening in this f[BLEEP]khole of a town. Folks have been trying to quantify it for a while now... but the problem there is that there just isn't any conceivable rhyme or reason to it all, at least not that I've seen. And I've seen a lot. Like a mailbox that every Tuesday will contain a letter giving the exact date and time of when the owner of the property the mailbox is on is going to die. And then on Thursdays, that same mailbox will have a letter in it offering to invalidate the previous prediction if the owner will take some nude pictures and put them in the mailbox. So far, none of its predictions that have reached the appointed date and time ever came true... though for the majority of the folks who got one, that's simply because something else weird killed them... or at least abducted them as some of their bodies have never been found. And don't get me started on that sinister as f[BLEEP]k duck pond over in the park."

Earl walks over, looking conflicted.

EARL: "Uh, hey, Duke..."

DUKE: "What's up, Earl?"

Duke swallows the last bite of his sandwich.

EARL: "Uh, I'm gunna need you to stand up and place your hands behind your back for me."

Earl pulls out a pair of cuffs.

DUKE: "What the f[BLEEP]k for?! I did as I was told in the letter! Oh don't tell me that this is about that blind f[BLEEP]ker, because that was an accident!"

EARL: "No, this is about you defacing Mr. Farwether's statue two nights ago. I gotta bring you in for vandalism."

Duke angrily complies.

DUKE: "This is such BULLSH[BLEEP]T! You got no proof it was me!"

The footage cuts to security cam footage showing Duke stumbling about of a bar. He walks along to a statue of a man with a beard riding a horse and promptly flips it off. He then stands there, seeming to think for a moment before pulling out a can of spray paint, walking up to the statue, he starts to spraying the words ASSHAT along the side of the horse, as well as a hand giving the middle finger onto the plaque in front of the statue in bright red paint. Duke then proceeds to throw up on a bench next to the plaque and statue, before wandering off. The man on the horse then turns its head and shakes its fist at the direction Duke had wandered off camera. That's when the spray can comes flying back, smacking the stone-rider in the face.

Back to the present, Duke has been cuffed and is now watching the footage on Earl's phone.

DUKE: "... Well, that could be anybody!"

EARL: "Alright, we can figure this all out down at the station. I'll have to have your truck towed."

DUKE: "No! Just leave it where it is! It's not like the blind c[BLEEP]k even knows its there!"

EARL: "Sorry, Duke."

Becky is chuckling as she holds open the door to the back seat of their cruiser for Duke.

DUKE: "Oh yeah, laugh it up! Wait until my lawyer hears about this!"

BECKY: "Seeing as how he's in the drunk tank, I'm sure you can tell him all about it yourself."

Becky laughed as she shut the door and walked around to the driver's seat. The camera then fades to black.

[Roll Credits]