#cousing

But his death still makes my heart long so I wanna write this.

Dear kid:

I remember writing you a couple weeks ago a letter when I told you about your own funeral, how much it hit all of us. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody would have throught you will be gone by now. I have a special affection for your mother and she’s always in my thoughts but I can only have an imaginary idea of what she’s been feeling. She was the one who carried you 7 months in her womb, woke at night when you cried, changed your clothes while you would be absentmindedly watching TV, probably she knew you more that any other person ever and read your emotions. I’m planning on visit her this weekend but since probably still cracks at the sound of your name, I’ll be protective as much as what she needs and give her space if she doesn’t want me to visit her.

I want you to know that your passing made a lot of changes: my grandma who never leaves her house decided to fly on her first flight ever, my uncle decided to visit his cousin frequently, our aunt loves telling stories about you sneaking to her home and as the last person in the queue, it’s me.

There are just two friends who knew about how much I longed to see you this year and how one of my three wishes at my birthday was spending Christmas with you or at least have the chance to give you that hug that every time I long more and more to give to you. Then there are the rest of people that brush it off with “well you weren’t that close”, “you didn’t even notice each other” but for me you were the one who made the “dreams do come true” songs make sense, and that beat any odds for me. And that’s the worst, that your personality in my memories is ghostly and what’s left of you in me is a idealized version of you and I’m mad. I want a bad reason not to miss you and I really hate hearing stories about people meeting you by chance walking down the street when fate never gave that chance to me. I FUCKING HATE hearing those stories.

But now it’s like I woke up from a dream. I’ve read somewhere “I was looking forward the future, you passed by me and I lost you. Now I live in the present everyday”. One thing it made me realize there’s no such this as promised tomorrow, you might as well have a dinner party and never come home. After such things you hold close everyone because you know they can leave at any time. But on a cheerful sidenote, it made me realize how much world full of wonder is yet to see. Now I’m doing all the things I always thought I would do with you. There are times when I hear songs I know you would like and I tear up as I blame myself for feeling your passing so bad. 

I’m less afraid and I enjoy every second of the life you should be living. I’m more determined to make decisions and I really don’t mind making mistakes, something that would scare the HELL out of me.

I’ll never be ok with your passing. I should have had the chance to have a laugh with you or realize you were a SOAB, but the more stories I hear about you, the less likely I think you were like that.

Wish I had woken up earlier but now I rather feel awkward that full of regret.

I really hold myself back to see our childhood pictures together because I knew that there were a couple months when I told to myself “I can’t believe we’ll catch up again after so many years”, probably because our family is not precisely famous for believing that dreams come true, and I saw that in you but again, I don’t know.

There is a sort of joy of realizing life is full of wonder but there still there in the back of my mind a voice telling me “you had the chance”

Hope you’re taking care the piece of my heart you took with you.