#countto10

Ano nga ulit yun?!

Badtrip.

Nasa dulo na ng dila ko!

(What is it again?! Damn it! It’s already at the tip of my tongue!)

It’s okay to be lost with words because at the end of the day. You can still tell it to a person. But knowing what to say but not having the courage to say it, is just worse.

Have you played charades? Or have you ever encountered a question pertaining to a single motherfuckin’ word? You feel you’ve encountered that word already, but you can’t seem to utter it. You’re lost. Then someone tells it and you go, “THAT! I knew it! I already knew that was it! It’s already at the tip of my tongue” Then comes the follow up question that nobody can ever answer substantially, “then why didn’t you tell me right away?”

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I was told not to lie. My parents raised me to be a good person and told me, in the most Catholic way, that “Jesus’ wounds” hurt whenever I lie. Eventually, I realized that I need not any fairytale to supply me the will to be honest. I need to be honest because I need to give the best version of myself to others. In one way or another, I have and need to say the most truthful version of any story, whether be it news or gossip, or even...

feelings..

..It was the perfect moment. It’s as if I already found the map going to paradise when you started looking into my eyes and smiled. That wonderful smile of yours once again introduced itself again to me. It was a familiar feeling, but it seems that what I felt was still strange. Those sharp edges of your lips elevating your cheek as you smile knocked me out of my senses. Weird. In that moment, I knew, I found my serendipity. Paradise. No matter how much I pulled myself away from you, you act like the waves of the sea, continuously pulling the tiny sand towards you. You never wan You never knew, I just felt. Felt that that moment was the perfect moment to tell you,

“Lily, with my whole heart, in the most honest and human way, and in the simplest and comprehensive way to tell you, I need to tell you, I love you.”

My lips were about to move. This feeling is not a lie. It’s not lie. I keep on telling myself; “i must not lie.” I must tell her, now. 

I was about to say it. 10.. my heart’s racing 9..8... my palms are cold 7..6..5.. a sudden rush of blood quickly heated my body from my neck up to my forehead 4..3....here it goes..

You suddenly wondered why I stared so long and asked ‘why?’ I was petrified. I was stunned. I was vulnerable. 2..

“Nothing.”

Her smile was reduced to a short sound of a giggle pertaining to how silly I was staring at her for so long. I too giggled as she continued gazing through pigments and frames. Her eyes turned away from mine. She went on her way, and I went on mine. I lied. I tried, but in the end, I lied. Why didn’t I tell it right away? 

Damn it.

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