#cotl5sos

Skylar’s POV

 I was on the way home as I stared at the lines of the road, thinking over everything that had happened in the last month. I wondered how my father was doing. I guess he went back to Bellevue but would he still be police chief? I hoped he was out of the hospital by now but I couldn't be sure. I kept wondering if he recovered well, or did he take a turn for the worse? I know hospitals can screw up. He could be dying now for all I know. I'm his only child. What if he needs me?

 Shut up, Skylar, he let you go, he knows how the witness protection program works. He wants you to be safe and happy, he'd understand.

 Do I understand?

 I would never regret being with Ashton. I love him. But my heart still hurts when I think of my dad. And I think of him a lot. I feel so guilty for leaving him the way I did. I know I had no choice but it still bothers me.

 And Ashton. He looked so afraid this morning, looking to me for some miraculous answer that I couldn't give him. I want to take his pain away, all of it. But I know I can't.

 He wants me to be his Dr. Skylar. I am so afraid to say the wrong thing, to counsel him in error. Not only is it his life but Katie's and mine that hang in the balance if I fail. But he wants only me to be his therapist.

 He's just afraid to open up to someone new. He's chosen us to be in his little circle and no one else is allowed in, ever. He doesn't trust anyone, he doesn't seem to give anyone else a chance. Every time we meet someone nice around here, he finds some reason not to like them. It was a small miracle that he left the house today and allowed Katie to go to school. I think the only reason he did is because I got a little demanding with him this morning before he left. He responds to that and I hate it. I have to be so careful not to use that too much or go too far with it. I don't want to be his Dominatrix.

 Well, it might be nice to tie him up and have my way with him once in awhile. Ugh! My mind is so filthy these days. And I know why. Ashton opened this door into a wonderful, sexy part of me…and I changed from shy little geek girl to a woman who was just discovering her wants and desires, dark as some of them may be. And now I feel like that's over or at least on hold for awhile. I love Katie but she's always there. I can hardly even kiss Ashton when I want to. And when she's not there, Ashton is afraid to be too loud or of waking Katie up. I think he's avoiding me.

 Even last night, he touched me and I was so thrilled. Then as soon as I came once, he was off of me and said we should go to sleep. He won't tell me his nightmares. And that just hurts me more than I can say. It's like he's punishing me for not being Dr. Skylar by closing off to me completely.

 I know Claire is in those dreams, and Katie…I can figure out what that means. But there's something more. Something he's not told me about. I know he needs to tell me but we don't get much of a chance to discuss adult things anymore.

 I'm glad, as much as I know I can't really erase Ashton’s problems, that I'll have a session with him tonight as Dr. Skylar. I know how he loves to hide during therapy, and that may never change. But I don't want any secrets between us. No matter how ugly his past may be, I want to know what eats at his heart. I have to know or I can't help heal it.

 I say help because I know I can't heal his pain alone. He must have a good psychiatrist. I'm thinking a man might be better for him. I hope he'll listen to me and call someone, at least talk to them and see if he clicks with one of them.

 I'm glad I have some good names and numbers to give him. I know nothing about this town's psychiatric care so I hope my counselor didn't steer me wrong.

 All my worries and complaints aside, it was a very lovely day. Casper College is beautiful. The huge campus lawns and terraces around every building, the light tan exterior with glass and bright red piping, giving it a modern look. And how many colleges are nestled in the foothills of her town's mountains? Every window you look out of you can see them. It's like the rocks are protecting it, shielding it from the world.

 In the information I read today about the college, I recall that there are 28 buildings on campus, on a total of about 20 acres of land. And I think there are about 5,000 students attending right now. And I also believe I know why they put us here in Casper, Wyoming. This college has the lowest tuition in the United States, because of some tax base Wyoming has, due to their exports: gas, oil, coal.

 I can't complain, though. This is not some little country college. It has everything. Everything I need. It will take me longer to get where I want to, but I told myself to forget that. All that matters to me is being with Ashton and Katie. They need me. And I need them. Everything else will work itself out. I really believe that. But we have to all work to make it happen. And that includes Ashton.

 I pulled into the driveway of our cute little house and felt a smile coming on. I never had a place of my own, I mean a house. I had to admit it was small and not filled with luxuries or fancy furniture, but I loved it. I can look around and see what it can be, and once this trial garbage is over I can help work too and we will be able to afford paint, curtains, and all the little things that make a house a home. I didn't mind waiting. The last thing I wanted to do was put pressure on Ashton to earn this big living right away. He would have to get used to working a regular job. I will try to be patient I said again to myself.

 I do try but sometimes it is so hard, watching him struggle. And I can't really help him.

 He can't find all his successes in me. He already acts like I'm a superwoman but I'm not. I'm a college student he happens to be in love with, one who stumbled on an escape route for him.

 The truth is, I got lucky with the whole Claire situation. Our friends and family helped us…and we squeaked out of it all by the skin of our teeth. My dad was maimed for us. Our friends risked their lives. If not for them, we'd be dead now…or worse, owned by Raven somewhere enduring daily sexual torture together. I shuddered just remembering it, when I was chained up and whipped by those parasites. Ashton is the reason I got through it at all. He was nose to nose with me, making me look into his eyes, taking the bulk of the pain for himself to spare me from it.

 And if I am disturbed by my one little experience, I can imagine how Ashton feels all the time. He covers it up, smiling, saying he's fine. I know he's not. The thing I need to do now is get him to admit it.

 I turned off my engine and picked up my books, walking up to the front door with keys in hand. I couldn't wait to hear how Katie's day had been. I knew it would take my mind off some of the big things off my mind for a little while. I went inside and found Katie, Ben, and Angela at the round kitchen table. There was a nice stack of paperwork there, waiting to be filled out. I remember my dad grumbling about all the forms he had to fill out for me on my first day of school every year. I almost laughed, picturing his face.

 "Hi Skylar!" Angela smiled at me and Katie looked up from what she was writing, her face beaming with excitement.

 "SKYLAR!" Katie came running up to me, "I was in school today!"

 "I know!" I laughed as Ben and Angela chuckled from their seats.

 "How was it?" I asked enthusiastically, already sensing she had a great time.

 "It was sooo cool!" she gushed, taking my hand and slowly leading me back to the table, "My teacher is the nicest person! Her name is Miss Betty! She was telling us ghost stories! Do you know there are a lot of ghosts in Casper?"

 "There are?" I asked, sitting down as she stood in front of me, "I hope they're all friendly ghosts."

 Ben grinned at me, getting my little joke, but it went right over Katie's head. I don't think Casper the ghost is on TV anymore. How sad.

 "No!" her eyes went wide, "Some of them are bad!"

 "Really?" I asked with a grin, "What do the bad ones do?"

 And she told me a few juicy ghost stories. I had to admit I loved them. I prayed she wouldn't tell Ashton too many of them though. I'm already trying to exorcise Claire’s ghost from his life. I didn't need new ones to battle.

 For a split second I checked my conscience to see if I felt any guilt about setting fire to that bitch. I hadn't felt any at all since the moment I'd done it. And now? Nope. Still not guilty. I wonder what that says about me.

 I used to think that there was no such thing as an evil person. I considered them disturbed, in need of help. Now I knew better. There are lots of evil people out there, men and women. Claire was an evil dog who needed to be put down. I was glad I was the one to do it. But I was sad that it didn't erase the hold of fear she had over Ashton. I was angry that she still found a way to torture him every night. I wanted to step into those dreams and take her fucking head off. But I can't do that. That is Ashton’s right…that is his journey…and once he takes it, he will be free of her someday.

 "And did you know that Casper started out with a lot of Irish people in it?" Katie asked.

 "No I didn't know that, either." I replied, "You learned a lot today."

 "Yeah, and you know what else?" she finally sat down, telling me more about Casper, Wyoming, "We have a baseball team, the Casper Ghosts! Daddy will want to see them play, he loves baseball!"

 "That will be great for him." I said, looking at Ben and he smiled, nodding his head at Katie, as if proud of her for finding Ashton some much needed medicine.

 "I'll check it out in the spring." Ben made a little note on his post it pad. Ben loved to write notes. I guess because his memory's not what it used to be. It was cute, though, once I found a note on the toilet seat that said "The Mrs. is going to the store today. If you need anything feminine, tell her."

 I cracked up for over a half hour on that one. Anything feminine. I wanted to go nose to nose with him and say, "Do you mean feminine hygiene products, Ben? Pads? Tampons?" But I chickened out. Even the thought of his face during my little scenario was enough to make me chuckle now if I needed to.

 "Spring is so far away." I sighed, "I wish we could find something fun for him to do now."

 "He'll be alright, Skylar." Ben's gravelly voice was like a gentle old bear's. It reminded me a little of my dad’s.

 Katie was deep in thought about what else we could do to make Ashton smile.

 "Hey!" she lit up inside suddenly, "We're going to put on a play at Christmas time! My friend told me!"

 "I know he'll love that." I smiled at her cute little ivory face. I see Ashton there so clearly…a happy, innocent Ashton. One that was never touched by whips or chains or sick women.

 "Definitely." Ben agreed, scribbling down the words Xmas Play.

 "POP POP!" Katie yelled, snatching his pencil away, crossing out the word XMAS. "That is terrible! You don't put an X – you spell it out!"

 And she did. Only trouble was, now the entire post it was filled with her giant words.

 I had to laugh at this look on Ben's face. He looked absolutely reprimanded. He liked to growl and look hard but when it came to Katie, he couldn't even raise his voice to her. I was thankful for that. I can imagine Ashton if Ben liked to yell at his daughter all the time. It wouldn't be pretty.

 "Sorry kiddo." he nodded, knowing she was correct, "I was just trying to abbreviate. Not much room on these little pieces of paper."

 I couldn't help laughing out loud. They were so cute together. It was easy to see their bond, although at first I never would guess that a little girl and a stubborn old man would have such a connection to each other.

 "You need a bigger pad." I teased and he looked up at me over his big glasses, as if daring me to go a little further. Then his little mouth tipped up at one side, giving him away again.

 "Yeah!" Katie tore off his post it note and wrote herself a new one, "That's what I'll get you for Christmas! A big, bigpad!"

 "That would be great!" he said in complete agreement, "Make it a blue one!"

 "Okay – blue!" she wrote that down too.

 "There you go." he peeled it off and gave it to her, "Save your money."

 "I know." she took it and went off to her room.

 "You know you're passing your post it note addiction down to your granddaughter." I informed, standing up to go get a cold drink from the refrigerator.

 "Oh she loves it." he snickered, coughing a little bit afterwards. I got him a glass of water and placed it down in front of him.

 Angela was in the basement, where the washer and dryer were located. I could hear the metal door slam below me. There wasn't much that could happen in this house without everyone else hearing it.

 I was pouring a glass of milk when the phone rang. Ben and I tensed at the same time, looking at each other in silence.

 Let me explain.

 First, we have a strange phone here. Since we're in the protection program, we aren't able to make or receive any calls except to two places, the police station and the doctor's office, if one of us gets sick. If we need to call anywhere else, we tell the officer at the police station and if he thinks it's alright, he'll connect us. We definitely can't call outside anywhere outside of Casper, that's a rule.

 So if the phone is ringing now, it's either a police officer or the doctor calling to say hello. We both knew it was the police. Right away I thought of my dad. I knew my paranoia was right. He was hurt.

 "I've got it." I heard my voice crack as I went to the little coffee table by the sofa and yanked it up, "Hello?"

 Ben slowly came up beside me as I heard a man's voice on the other end.

 "This is the Casper Police, Detective Robin here. How are you today?" he asked with a kind voice, as if he actually did care.

 "We're fine – what happened?" I snapped back in response.

 "Is Ashton okay?" Ben asked behind me and right away I felt horrible. I didn't even think about him, I was so wrapped up worrying about my father.

 "Is Ashton okay?" I asked, more urgently now, picturing my baby with a gun in his face…what if they already found him? What if they already…killed him? And I pushed him out the door today! Oh god!

 "Calm down, calm down…" he assured, "Everyone is alright. I'm sorry if I startled you. But you have to realize not every call we make to you is going to be bad news, okay? We check in all the time, we even come over unannounced sometimes. It's for your own safety."

 "He's okay." I said to Ben and we both breathed again. I turned and saw Katie standing in her bedroom doorway, she was shaking. I waved her over and put my arm around her as I answered the detective.

 "We aren't used to this." I said to him, my voice a little stronger. I'm a cop's daughter and seen a lot of things but I've never been in the shoes of the people who go through it. My dad had sheltered me a lot, I saw that now.

 "I know and I'm sorry, Ma'am." he said, his southern accent sounding very nice and old fashioned to me, "I know today was the first day you all ventured out your separate ways, so I thought I'd check on you."

 "That's nice." I spoke exactly what I was thinking and felt a little smile form on my lips, "We're not used to the police thinking about how we're doing, you know. We're from New York, where the only time you see the police is when you're being arrested."

 I tried to laugh but it came out so forced.

 "Well, get used to it." he sounded like he was smiling now, "This is Casper. We all know each other here, we all care about each other. You're one of us now, and we all stick together. So don't be afraid, alright?"

 "Alright." I played with one of Katie's braids, and she wasn't shaking anymore.

 "One little thing I need to tell you." he said and I tensed again.

 "The marshals are coming over tomorrow night to talk to all of you." he informed, "They check in sometimes too. Nothing to be worried about. They should be around after dinnertime, about."

 "Oh, yeah." I shrugged, "Sure."

 "Alright. You have yourself a good night now, Ma'am." he said politely, and hung up.

 "You too," I replied before he was gone.

 I put the receiver down and they were both staring at me.

 "Everything is fine." I repeated, "We have to calm down and not freak out every time the phone rings. Ashton is fine. Everyone is fine."

 I saw Katie looking up at me and little tears were in her eyes.

 "I thought daddy was dead." she said and then a second later burst out crying.

 I instinctively sat on the arm of the sofa and held her close, her little sobs tearing my heart open. She even cried like her father did. I felt tears in my own eyes, too. Ben turned away, looking angry with nowhere to direct it.

 "Shhh…" I gently took off her hat, touching her hair and kissing her bangs, "Nothing will take your daddy away from you, nothing. He's with you now and he's staying with you. I'm sure you won't even get rid of him when you get old and married. He'll probably move right in with you guys…and go on the honeymoon too."

 I hoped it would make her laugh but it didn't.

 "I want my daddy." she said so small it crushed me. I looked at the clock and saw it wasn't even four yet. I doubted he'd be home that early.

 "I'm going to get him." Ben turned and was going to the door, taking my car keys off the hook on the wall.

 "Ben!" I turned, "Come back here now! You are nor going to get him! You don't even know where he went."

 "I'll find out." Ben went to the phone, about to call the police department again.

 "Stop!" I put my hand on the receiver, stopping him, "Everyone calm down! If we go get Ashton now he'll never go back to work again! He'll be sitting next to Katie in her high school classes! Sit down Ben, please."

 By now Angela was coming up and I thanked God to have her to help me with Ben.

 "Angela, watch your husband." I directed her as she put the laundry basket down, wondering what the hell was going on.

 "Come here with me, Katie." I took her into her bedroom, half closing the door. I sat on her bed and put her on my lap.

 Here comes Dr. Skylar. I hoped Ashton wouldn't find out she was here for Katie before himself. I just had back to back sessions today, I'm swamped.

 "Here, baby." I gave her a tissue out of her little box next to her bed.

 I let her take her time wiping her eyes and to take some deep breaths before talking to her. I didn't want to lecture her or tell her she was being silly for being afraid. Katie had been through some hard shit, too, not just Ashton, and she also needed some counseling. I am just not good enough to do all this for everyone. I am going to insist Ashton calls for someone first thing tomorrow. I don't care what he says.

 "Tell me what's got you so upset, hon." I began, allowing her to talk and get it out.

 "I thought the bad people got daddy." she said simply, her voice so frail, her eyes down. Just like Ashton’s.

 We had told her about the "bad people" so she'd understand why we had to move, and why our last names were different, why we couldn't say much about ourselves. It was hard to explain and I thought we'd done a fair job of it. Until now.

 "No, baby, the bad people are far away from here." I said and wondered if that was right to say. There were bad people everywhere. I didn't want to say she was totally safe – what if a stranger comes up to her tomorrow? This is so hard.

 "They don't know where we are." I said, more honestly, "They won't find us, I promise."

 "I thought the police always caught the bad people." she sounded confused, looking up at me.

 "They try to." I explained, playing with the fringes of her vest, "They want to. Sometimes it takes awhile to do that. So until they do, we're going to be country folks. We're going to fit in and make good friends, and wear the cowboys hats…so we don't attract the attention of the bad guys. Do you understand what I mean?"

 "Like a disguise?" she asked. God, she's so smart for her age.

 "Yea, like that." I rocked her a little, "Like when Superman dresses up like Clark Kent, remember that movie?"

 "Yeah." she smiled, "I like him as Clark Kent. He's funny."

 "Yeah, me too." I admitted, "Clark is sweet."

 "I would love to see daddy dressed up like that." she smiled more, giggling a little.

 I giggled too. "So would I." I just pictured his hair all slicked down to one side, and him tripping over everything, wearing those big black glasses.

 After she stopped giggling, a small pause rose up between us. I knew she was still worried, just like him, but I had to make her feel secure in some way.

 "Daddy fought through a lot of bad people to get home to you." I felt tears come to my eyes as I said it, "He was so brave but he did it for you, sweetie. He hates that we had to move away so far from everything, he blames himself. He would never want you sad or hurt in any way. But this is what we have to do so the bad people never bother us again. It won't be forever."

 Katie's brow furrowed. "You mean we'll move again someday?"

 "I don't know. Maybe." I shrugged, "Do you want to?"

 "No." she put her hands on my hands that laid in her lap, "I love it here. Everyone is so nice. The whole class said they were my friends. Nobody screams when they see me anymore."

 "Kids screamed at you?" I asked, not aware of this.

 "When I was little." she said without any pain, like it was a fact she'd gotten used to, "They said I was ugly and they were scared of me. They screamed when I tried to play with them. Then the nurses took me back to my room and said I couldn't play with the other kids anymore."

 "Katie." I felt a tear escape my eye now and run down my face. Those were the years her face was burned, during her surgeries. This little person had been through so much pain. Losing her mother, her father, her life almost. Being disfigured, having children scream at your appearance…and yet she's so brave she went to school as if she couldn't wait for it today. This girl is the meaning of strength.

 I wiped it away before she could see it and I held her tighter, laying my chin on her shoulder.

 "I think you're beautiful, Kate." I whispered to her, "Those kids were stupid. You deserve all the friends in the world. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I wish I was there."

 "Me too." she hugged me back, "Skylar?"

 "Yeah?"

 "If the bad people do get my daddy…" she took a heavy breath, "Will you leave too?"

 Oh God, this poor little thing. I didn't realize she was thinking about all this for all this time.

 "No Katie." I said without hesitation, clinging her to me, "I'll never leave you. And neither will your dad. He loves you. I love you."

 This is the first time I've really said those words to her. And I felt bad about that.

 "I love you too." she whispered, and I rocked her some more as I held her.

 After a few minutes of quiet, I spoke again.

 "Now on a more serious note…" I cleared my throat, "Daddy needs our help now. Adjusting to this life is not going to be easy for him, either. He's no cowboy. Yet. Now, when daddy is at work, you have me, you have Grandma and Pop Pop. And that is all the love in the world times three. We have to let daddy find his place here. Do you know what I mean?"

 "Daddy's place is here." she looked puzzled.

 "That's true, but…" I thought as I spoke, "Daddies feel good if they can go to work every day and if they like their work, it makes them happier. I know that whatever daddy's job is, it's probably going to be very hard for him to get used to it or learn to love it. He loves you more than anything and if you call, he'll run to you. And that's good – if it's an emergency. But if it's not, I'm afraid he'll never want to leave your side ever if he thinks you need him more. You saw how he wanted to go to school with you today."

 She didn't say anything. I hoped I was doing this right. I shouldn't be doing this.

 "You have school and your new friends." I pointed out, "Daddy will have work and have his new friends. And then at night and on the weekends, we'll all have family time together. I like it here, too. We have to help daddy love it here also. Because we may have to be here for a long, long time. And it's better if we all like it, don't you think?"

 "Yeah." Katie replied, not adding much.

 "What's the matter, Kate?" I asked, recognizing the avoidance her father loved so much.

 "I don't like being without daddy." she said, right to the point, not the brilliant hider that Ashton was when he was being counseled.

 Katie…she was so afraid she would lose everyone all over again. I read once that what you fear the most is what's already happened to you. Now I understood that. I was also afraid to lose him again, too. I knew I couldn't go through that again, those days he was back with Claire…those days my dad didn't tell me what was going on with him. It was the worst kind of Hell.

 "I don't either." I said truthfully, "But he'll be home soon. I know you have a lot of time to make up with your dad, and I understand. I would love to have him around all the time, too. But we have to keep being strong and do what's good for each other. It's hard for me to explain to you, but believe me, going to work every day will be good for your dad. He needs to. Just like you need to go to school."

 Please let her understand and not get the wrong message from me, I prayed. Ashton was one thing, but if I ever hurt Katie by saying the wrong thing, I could never forgive myself.

 A little knock tapped on the door and I knew that was Angela. Ben's knocks were like angry soldiers about to break in.

 "Yeah?" I asked, wiping my eyes.

 The door moved open more and Angela was there, smiling sweetly.

 "Everything okay?" she asked, looking at me.

 "I think so." I looked at Katie's face and she looked at mine, "You okay?"

 "Yeah." she sniffed, still holding her little damp tissue, "I guess I just needed a moment."

 I almost laughed out loud as she hopped off me and left the room. Once she was out, Angela did laugh.

 "I say that all the time." she shared and I chuckled with her for a second.

 "Did Ben tell you?" I asked her.

 She nodded. "Yeah." she sounded a little mad, "Damn policemen, scaring us half to death."

 I looked at her, feeling a little pissed that she lumped all police into that statement.

 "Oh, I don't mean your father, dear." she hugged me quickly, letting me go, "I'm sorry. I don't care for the police too much. Long, boring stories."

 "It's okay." I said, walking out of Katie's room, "Let's go see if Katie has any homework."

 We went into the kitchen again, and Katie was seated at the table, opening her little purple bag.

 "Any homework tonight?" I asked, moving my fingers through her bangs that hung in her bright eyes. I felt like I had a beautiful little piece of Ashton with me right now, so it made missing him a little bit less terrible. I had been worrying about him all day long…and I was still worried. I was still shaken from thinking what I was thinking a few minutes ago. It reminded me how real this whole danger is…and how any second we could get a real phone call that would kill us all.

 Ben was gone and I looked at Angela.

 "Where's Ben?" I felt myself stiffen as if I was about to go on a mission to retrieve him.

 "He's here." Angela said quietly, "I hid the car keys. I think he just went out back to get some air."

 "I'm glad he cares so much." I said, meaning it completely, thinking how lucky I am to be part of this family.

 "He cares too much sometimes." Angela said, "He's got a lot on his mind lately."

 I thought about things from Ben's side for a minute. And I found a lot of pain there also.

 Their only daughter is gone, they had to care for Katie all those years without Ashton, dealing with the pain she went through every day, not knowing if Ashron was dead or alive sometimes…except for when he called at 3pm every day. And now that they have him back, it must be scary for them too, wondering if something will take him away next.

 We all need therapy. I know I sound like a broken record, but I couldn't help it. I cared about all these people. I wanted to see them whole again.

 "Ashton is not just our son in law." Angela was washing a dish, "He's our son."

 That's all she said and I nodded, understanding. I think Angela was crying but it wasn't obvious to Katie so I changed the subject to her.

 "So…sorry, Katie." I grinned at her across the table, "No homework?"

 "Nah." she looked disappointed, "It's the first day of school so they didn't give any."

 "Oh." I shared her disappointed expression, "Sorry."

 "You know, sometimes I think this town is just too nice all the time!" she exclaimed, looking very hostile. I had to laugh.

 "I know what you mean." I grinned, "The only cranky person here is POP POP!"

 She laughed more at that and I hoped I wasn't making Angela angry at me. It was just good clean humor. I wanted to see Katie smile some more. Especially before Ashton got home. If he came in and saw that she'd been crying…

 "He's not cranky, he's just old!" she chortled.

 I put my hand over my mouth and tried not to laugh as hard as I wanted to, afraid I'd spit out the milk I'd been drinking.

 I was relieved to see Angela smiling over at the sink.

 "Wanna help me make dinner, Squidge?" I asked, it was my thing to call her something new every day. I just made up all kinds of weird names, sometimes they just came tumbling out of my mouth. My favorite one so far has been Ooop Ooop Ooplefski.

 But today was rough on all of us so Squidge was the best I could do.

 "Okay." she shrugged, not looking too enthused.

 "You must be the only kid who doesn't like cooking." I tossed a dishtowel at her as she followed me.

 "Sorry." she said.

 "It's okay." I opened the fridge, looking around inside, "This is 2013. You can make your husband cook while you go to work every day."

 Angela was on her way outside and laughed at my comment. I guess she was going to talk to Ben and I was glad about that.

 "I don't want a husband." Kate informed calmly, watching me take out a defrosted chicken covered in plastic wrap.

 "Oooh, a modern woman!" I said, "I like that. You go, girl."

 I wasn't stupid enough not to see there was more behind her words, but I wanted to keep tonight as light as I could, especially after that damned phone call. I vowed to go deeper with her about this another day. I would do all I could to investigate every inch of Katie and what pained her.

 Was it the heat of the oven that scared her? She had been horribly burned. Was it that she used to cook with her mother a lot? Maybe she cooked with Ashton all the time, and only wanted to do it with him.

 Maybe she just doesn't like to cook, my inner brain rolled her eyes at me.

 Later, as I was cooking, and Katie was on the floor watching Spongebob, I smiled, remembering the day I first heard Ashton watching Spongebob in my apartment. It's too bad he was missing it now. I remembered Ashton saving me when I was stuck in my bathroom, and us in the shower. He was so playful and alive then. It seemed so long ago, but it wasn't. I can still feel his lips on mine, so hungry…as if I were the only woman he'd ever kissed before. Was that really him…or a part he was playing? Does he really love me? Or is he confusing that with the thrill of being free?

 And just then, something inside me started to hurt.

 Yes, I know, I need counseling too. Shut up Dr. Skylar.

 A little while later, a honking sound blared outside and I heard Katie racing to the window by the front door.

 Then a war cry – "DADDY'S HOOOME!"

 I put my spoon down and ran to the door too. I heard a deep thud and by the time I got there, Katie was screaming and Ashton was on the floor right inside the doorway, face down.

 "Ashton!" I went to the floor, clutching at his arm to turn him over, fearing I'd see blood.

 But he was on his back on his own and was shushing Katie, trying to calm her down.

 "I was kidding!" he said, "Just kidding! I'm alright. I was just tired, that's all."

 "That's not funny dad!" Katie yelled at him and then threw her arms around his neck.

 I prayed she wasn't crying.

 "Sorry baby." he held her gently, kissing her cheek, "It was a bad joke, I'm sorry."

 He looked at Katie's face, free from tears, and Katie smiled, putting out her lips like a duck.

 "There's my ducky lips!" he sounded so happy, as if he'd won a million dollars. And he picked her up, kissing her on the lips.

 "How was school?" he asked as if he couldn't wait to hear.

 He walked right past me, not saying a word. What the hell?

 I spun around and went back to the kitchen, slamming around everything I could find. Is that what I am now, the little woman in the kitchen, making her man his dinner? I don't even get a hello? Why doesn't he just call me fucking Wilma Flintsone?

 Maybe I see now why Kaela had to get out of the house. There was no room for her between Ashton and Katie.

 Stop it, Skylar – my inner shrink said to me. You're just suffering from lack of sex, get control of yourself woman.

 I could hear Katie near the TV in the living room and I peeked out to see Ashton was sitting on the floor with her, watching Spongebob and listening.

 His head was leaned back a little on the sofa behind him and his hat was on Katie's head now. You could hardly see her under there.

 "And Mrs. White, who owned the hotel, comes out at night and goes up and down the halls…" Katie was telling her ghost stories to Ashton, who looked like he was enjoying it immensely.

 "And some people said they heard a knock on their door and then the doorknob turns, like she's trying to come in!" Katie was going on and on.

 "No way!" Ashton breathed. And in a second, I fell in love with him all over again. But I was still pissed and he'd be hearing about it later.

 "Way!" Katie responded, "And then when they went to the door – NO ONE WAS THERE!"

 "We're not staying at that hotel." Ashton shook his head, looking back in my direction.

 "No duh!" Katie said, her eyes huge.

 "Hey, I'll be right back, okay ducky?" he asked, trying to get up. I withdrew and hid back near the stove, half of me hoping he was coming for me, the other half hoping he wasn't.

 Oh who am I kidding? All of me wants him.

 "Help me up, help…push me…" he was groaning like an old man, "Ughh, thanks kid."

 Katie giggled and I could hear cowboy boots coming, clicking on the floor, coming in my direction.

 I put on a face of indifference and checked on my chicken in the oven.

 He came up behind me and I pretended not to hear him….oh god– or smell him! Whew, what was that?

 I inhaled my chicken and hoped we had strong enough soap in the shower.

 I felt his hands, both on my back, moving down me…and my eyes closed right away. This man's hands were pure magic and I was trapped in their spell.

 He moved them down and they stroked down each side of my legs, on the outside. He leaned his mouth down and kissed a bare spot of my shoulder, moving my sleeve a bit to the right to get more.

 "Skylar…." he whispered, "You have no idea how good you feel right now…"

 He kissed closer to my neck now, and I could feel his tongue…Jesus.

 "You can see me now, can you?" I wanted to sound angry but it came out so sexual…my damn voice betraying me.

 "I always see you." his voice was deep and dark and he had his hands around my stomach, pushing me back against him…so hard. Wow…this reminds me of the fun we used to have in my kitchen when we first met.

 Then his tongue licked up my jugular and I felt his teeth softly move into my skin there.

 "Oh God, Ashton…" I nearly cried, "I missed you…"

 And I wasn't just talking about today.

 I turned to him and dived on his lips, grabbing his hair so hard he let out a sexy little grunt. His hands held me so tight to him and I felt myself moving and pushing against his rock hard erection, wanting him right then and there. To hell with the odor, I didn't care.

 "Hey!" Katie's voice cut in like a knife.

 Ashton pushed me off and I frowned before I could hide it.

 "There's children in the house, you know!" she glared more at Ashton than me.

 Uh oh. Ashton, you're in trouble. He started it.

 Ashton cleared his throat and folded his hands, placing them in front of his enormous penis.

 "Sorry." was all he said, not having much else to say in his defense.

 "Spongebob is back on." she waited, her arms folding like she was a school marm.

 "Okay, I'm coming." he said, making a confused face at her and then to me.

 I shrugged and he silently followed her, mouthing an 'I'm sorry' to me as he went.

 I nodded and stuck my face in the freezer after they left, gritting out a little scream into it.

 I hoped that I would have my time with him tonight. Katie had to go to bed early now that school was in session. And Ben and Angela could watch 24 together, as they usually did on Monday nights. I would give him Dr. Skylar…and then he will give me Dr. Frankencock.

 His voice was in my head now…'You may have your way with my brain…and later, my body. Although I think you may enjoy one more than the other.' I could see him laying on my old couch….seductively displaying himself for me….his arms up around his head, his eyes closing softly. His mouth is so beautiful…all of him is so beautiful…

 I felt my eyes close, dizzy with lust and a loud 'BBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZ' almost gave me a heart attack.

 Oh, the timer on the stove. Stupid timer. Shut up. I flipped it roughly until it stopped buzzing, glad I had killed it for messing with my memories.

Ashton’s POV

 I hate Bob. Yep, it only took two minutes for that to happen.

 "Boy, you're pale right now!" he observed right to my face, staring, "Where did you live before here? The moon?"

 I grinned as he guffawed at his own lame joke.

 No, I was locked in dungeons you moron.

 "Just jerking your chain, Jay, don't fret!" he laughed a little more.

 "I'll try not to…fret." I looked away and rolled my eyes, holding the hat on my head as the truck sped up, making the wind whip around my head.

 "So, what kind of work do you do at the rodeo?" I asked, squinting through the grayness. I really had no idea.

 "I'm not going to be in the rodeo, am I?" I probed further, "I don't know how to do any of that stuff."

 "Oh, no, you won't perform." Bob took a big gulp of his coffee, "That takes years of training. There's even colleges that teach rodeo! You'll have to see where they put you. Most times, if you're brand new, they'll have you tending the horses. If you work real hard, and learn fast, you can move up to taking care of the bulls!"

 "Oooh, advancement." I mumbled to myself, picturing it. A two thousand pound bull chasing me as I ran clutching his food dish, the fucking horns almost up my ass.

 I like the idea of the horses. Maybe they have a pony area I could start in.

 It didn't take long for us to arrive and I was glad. I was looking forward to ditching Bob.

 The truck passed a huge and empty parking lot, then passed by the arenas where the bleachers and big round pens stood, also looking rather empty at the moment.

 A few people were milling around, most of them with cowboy hats perched on their heads. I didn't see any horses or bulls at all.

 Bob was watching me closely and informed, "Stables are around behind everything."

 Oh, okay. I would be working behind the scenes. That made me relax a bit. I couldn't hide from the world if I was in the middle of the stage being chased by bulls.

 I was impressed with how the outsides of the stable looked. It wasn't old or broken down like most things I saw out here. It was modern and white with a perfect gray roof and a huge emerald field of grass in front of it, strong fences surrounding the perfect lawns.

 "That's where the horses just graze and relax." Bob pointed there, teaching me, "There are other pens back there where the horses run and get their exercise."

 I nodded and felt myself smile at how beautiful it was back here. The sun was starting to come up and glow orange warmth all over everything. It struck me that usually at this hour, I was dead to the world, asleep, exhausted from being awake all night "working."

 I felt cheated that I couldn't remember seeing a sunrise before. It was so…I don't know…but suddenly I felt different, saved…clean…good. It's like something heavenly was looking right through me…and where I'd usually feel cheap and dirty, for a split second, that was gone.

 "You okay, Jay?" Bob slapped my back and I blinked back the wetness starting to form at the edges of my eyes. I couldn't dare cry here, in front of the cowboys. I'd never hear the end of it. This was nowhere to get in touch with my emotions.

 "Yeah, I'm good." I said, feeling the grumpy old man in my soul disappearing.

 "Don't worry, you'll love this." Bob smiled at me as the truck slowed to a stop.

 Okay, maybe I was too harsh hating Bob so soon.

 Everyone here, in this sweet little town called Casper, seemed like nice, decent family people. I know the problem is me, not them. I'm like a square peg and all the holes here are round.

 It was easy to see when we first moved here that the landscape was something that seemed to arise out of my dreams. Green as far as the eye could see, fields that reached out to eternity, trees so tall and strong that you couldn't see the tops of them. The air was so clean, I could feel it when I inhaled. My lungs took a few days to get used to it.

 You could drive down the roads here and pass by mountains, red clay giants that, once the sunset shone against them, you couldn't pull your eyes away even if you wanted to. Any moment it seemed possible that an Indian chief would come charging out to the cliff edge on his painted war horse, chanting and singing.

 And when the sun went down, this amazing peace seemed to glow everywhere. The skies were filled with so many colors, I couldn't even do it justice to talk about it. The moon was always in full view and you could see it easily from anywhere around here. You didn't have to peer through a little apartment window and twist upwards to get a glimpse of it. It seemed closer here. I could walk outside our front door and there it would be, right above a majestic set of purplish, jagged hills in the distance. I loved standing out there, just looking at it. It was magical. It made me feel safe, even though I knew I wasn't. Another deceptive goddess.

 Everyone we met when we first went into town seemed to be expecting us, they all knew we were the new city people who moved here, and they all went on and on about what a nice place this was to live and raise a family. We couldn't tell them much about us or our past, and all we did tell them were lies and half truths. I felt like I was still pretending, still hiding.

 And most of all, I felt, deep down, that Skylar didn't want anyone to know what I was…I think she is ashamed of my past and wants me to just leave it behind, as if it never happened. I wish I could do that. For her…for Katie, I would. But I don't know how to stop thinking about it, to stop remembering it…to stop being so afraid and such a weakling. They deserve more than me. And I know it.

 Ben and Angela, Skylar and Katie, seemed to belong here, seemed to embrace everything here so easily. But I feel out of place here. This town is too sweet…too wonderful. I feel even more repulsive as I walk down the little quaint streets, looking at all the happy people wandering around. Something in my head keeps telling me that I don't deserve to be here, that everyone knows what I am, as if I reeked of smoke and dark clubs and body oil and sex. It's only a matter of time before I'm discovered and driven out of here by hooded villagers with pitchforks.

 What if Katie finds out? What if the trial details come out somehow? What if all the kids are talking about it someday and she hears all the things I've done? What if Skylar meets some decent cowboy type and decides my past is just too much to bear? In reality, Skylar and I just met over two months ago. She's so young, what if she decides she's too young to play mother to Katie? What if she wants something lighter, more fun in a relationship? My stomach hurts.

 Even in the middle of all these negative thoughts, something in me kept trying to keep hope alive, even know as I stared at the stables.

 Maybe, somehow, I could fit in here. Animals aren't like people. They don't judge you or make you feel unwanted.

 Bob opened up the cage again to let us out of the truck bed and we all leapt off one by one. Everyone else knew where they were going, straight towards the front door where the single word stable was etched into the wood above it.

 I followed the crowd, hoping someone would know what to do with me once inside. Thankfully, the second we stepped in, Bob called to me.

 "Come on, Jay, I'll introduce you around." Bob put his arm around my shoulder and I tensed the second it happened, before I could stop myself.

 "Sorry." I felt my cheeks get red hot as I swallowed thickly. Sir Kevin popped into my mind for a split second along with several memories of him that I wished would die forever. Maybe that's another reason I hid behind Katie all the time, and didn't push the issue when Skylar took her own bedroom. I had no problem making her come, or touching her…but when she began to touch me…I felt panicked and strange.

 "No problem." Bob gave me some space and didn't try to touch me again.

 "Sharon!" Bob started calling as we entered. Everyone was going into a kitchen area and putting their lunchboxes into a huge silver refrigerator. There was plenty of room in there. Bob and I did the same as the others and then he waved for me to follow him out another door and down a long hallway.

 "Sharon is in charge of the stable." Bob said, "She loves these horses like they were her babies. So don't do a half assed job here, she'll kill ya."

 "I'll do my best." I promised, hoping I sounded as true as I felt.

 "That's good enough for me." he said, smiling, no hint of sarcasm in his voice.

 We got to the stable area where the horses were, and again, I was impressed at how clean and new everything looked in here. I guess the rodeo makes good money.

 Yes, there was the horse smell but I expected that. But everything in here was light colored wood and black iron, fluorescent white lights high overhead. The floor was gray cement and spotless. A hose was laying on the floor, running up the entire length of stalls, each one with a wooden door at the bottom and black metal bars on top.

 "God, there's so many of them." I said before I realized I was talking.

 "Yea, about 60 horses here." Bob put his hands on his hips, looking around, "And each one of them have their own little personality, too. They're show horses so they all have a little bit of a diva inside 'em."

 We laughed for a second and then this little woman with a long white braid and a red baseball cap approached us. She wore no western wear, just a gray sweatshirt and matching sweatpants, sneakers. She was a little plump but you couldn't call her anything but cute. She had such happy eyes – that's the first thing I noticed about her.

 God, did I always find something attractive in every single woman…or was that Claire’s training still in me?

 "Ah, Sharon Booke, this is Jason Sullivan." Bob introduced us. I put my hand out to shake her hand but she opened her arms to embrace me. I almost froze, unsure what to do about this. I knew I had to let her hug me, she was my boss, and before I had time to analyze myself, I just instinctively felt that you don't deny the boss lady anything.

 "Nice to meet you, Jason." she said as she did so, and Bob cut her off.

 "Jason doesn't like that, hon." Bob began to say, his hand touching her arms, gently moving them downward.

 "Oh, no…" I shrugged, "It's alright."

 And I quickly hugged her, patting her back a couple of times. It was a weak embrace and I knew it. Claire would slap me across the face for doing such a half hearted job – and have me hug her again, properly, if she were here. And that went twice for anyone she wanted me to show affection to, not just herself. I was to make any stranger feel loved by me, at a second's notice. I became good at it after awhile.

 Usually, I would give a woman like this a huge hug, so she could feel my embrace all the way down to her toes, and then I'd even give her a big kiss afterwards. I knew I wasn't at Fire anymore and that wouldn't go over very well. This was a nice little G rated town and I'd be sniffed out for being weird right away.

 I glanced at Bob with a little bit of annoyance and I'm not sure why. He was just trying to make me feel comfortable. But again, the feeling was there that he was trying to hurt me somehow by his little gesture.

 I used to be a great hugger. Women used to call me the sweetest man ever. But I don't want to be too affectionate to strangers – they might see right through me.

 "Welcome, honey." she beamed up at me as I straightened, "And aren't you cute?"

 I couldn't help but laugh at that. I was relieved that I'd pleased her, as sick as I knew it was.

 "He would be so perfect for Jenna." Sharon looked at Bob and he nodded his head, assessing me even more now.

 "Um, no…" I said quickly but politely, "I'm…spoken for."

 "Tsk." she clicked, "Too bad. But I'm not surprised, handsome as you are."

 "Thank you though." I was feeling uncomfortable now as they stared at me.

 "Alright, enough matchmaking, let's get to work, huh?" she asked then said, "Bob will show you the ropes, listen and learn. And take good care of my horses, that's all I ask."

 "I will, Sharon." I assured her, already sure I didn't want to let her down.

 "Good boy." she said, not meaning any harm but the sound of those words turned my stomach upside down. I quickly got over it and followed Bob, waving goodbye to Sharon as she went in the other direction.

 Was she mad at me? Did she not like me now?

 "First thing we do is feed 'em all." Bob announced, "And they all have a different diet, depending on their health and what vitamins they need. Sharon's organized it and each stall door has a plastic slide on it that tells you what to feed 'em and when. See?"

 He pointed this out on the nearest stall where the back of a light brown horse was facing us. As we moved closer, the name on the stall said Kiss and Tell.

 "When you feed one, you initial and put the time right here in this box, see?" he pointed out as I nodded, "That way no one else feeds 'em after you've done it."

 And then for the next hour I was shown the grain, the pellets, the oats and corn. Then I was shown where to find the hay. I always thought hay was light but God, was I wrong. It's heavy as a bitch. Thank God I'm used to working out. I guess I don't have to worry that this town has no gym for me to exercise in.

 I must've brought a million blocks of hay to Bob today. As soon as I placed a block or two down in front of a stall, he'd just say, "Two more, Sullivan. Hurry up."

 "Why can't the fucking hay be close to the horses?" I muttered to myself as I went.

 Finally, after my shirt was stuck to my back with perspiration, and I began to feel dizzy, Bob stopped asking for hay. Now it was time to deliver huge plastic bowlfuls of food to their rightful owners. Each bowl had a name magic markered on its side, it wasn't hard to figure out. The tricky part was getting into the stall to give the horse his plate while he nearly attacked me to get his snout into the bowl before I could put it down.

 "Hey!" I shouted at the third horse I delivered to, a cute white horse named Butterfly.

 "Don't bite me!" I jumped back, seeing her teeth near my hands, "Eat the food!"

 I tossed the bowl to the ground and spun around to leave the stall – but before I reached the door, I felt a strong, hard snout smack me in the ass – and toss me face first out of her stall. The only thing I was surprised at was there was no pile of shit there for my face to land in, the way my day was already going.

 Ashton vs. Butterfly: winner: Butterfly. I am so pathetic. How am I gonna convince people that I'm this tough man's man – cowboy – when I couldn't get past a little thing like Butterfly for God's sake?

 I could hear Bob laughing out there, then later, a few other voices were snickering along with him. I was getting pissed. I hate being laughed at, mocked. I usually endured humiliation everyday without even a whimper. But I thought I was past that part of my life now.

 Bob was kind enough not to come over and help me up and I preferred that. I got right back to my task, hoping the other horses weren't so cheeky.

 But they were worse. Butterfly was actually a playful little girl compared to some of the males. One horse named Krazee flat out pissed right on me when I entered his domain.

 "They won't let me get in and put their food down!" I finally complained to Bob, "Is there some trick you're not telling me about or something?"

 "City!" a voice from far away cried out, and more laughing ensued from the other side of the stables.

 I frowned fully at Bob now, waiting.

 "There's no tricks, Jay." Bob tried to straighten his face, "The horses know you're new. I told ya, they have personalities too, all different. But all of them are hungry in the morning. They won't politely wait for you to come in and place the bowl down. You have to show em who's boss."

 This sounded like good advice at first. But the more stalls I tried to enter, the more I was shoved around and snapped at. Bob said in time it would be better. I hoped so.

 Next, every horse needed water. Thank God there was a hose and I didn't have to saunter down to a well or a pond to lug buckets of water back and forth. I snuck a peek around and when no one was looking I shot some nice cold water down my poor back. It was a September day, but a warm one, and I was already roasting. Whenever I glanced at the clock on the wall, it seemed like only ten minutes had gone by. Fuck. Time was dragging by like death.

 "SULLIVAN!" Bob called for me again and I kept forgetting that was me. Bob must think I'm retarded when he calls me and I don't answer.

 Bob handed me a pitchfork and shovel and grinned, saying, "Time to muck the stalls."

 Then he smiles more and waits, staring at me. He's enjoying watching me squirm. Maybe he has the hots for that Sharon and he's jealous of me or something.

 "What does that mean?" I asked, feeling even more stupid, hardly able to hide my contempt and frustration.

 Other men were letting the horses out of their stalls, leading them to the open double doors at the end of the row, out to where a huge pen waited, only soil on the ground there, no grass. Those other men were getting on the horses, riding them around the circle.

 "You don't ride, you said, right?" he asked.

 "The horses?" I asked, confused, "No."

 "When you can ride, you can help with the exercises outside." Bob informed, "But for now, you shovel the shit. We've all been there before. New guy does all the crap work, unfortunately. Nothing personal."

 No problem. I've done the crap work for the last six years of my life. I told myself I'd rather shovel horseshit then do what I used to do for Claire.

 Bob pushed a wheelbarrow up beside me and opened the first stall that read Bam Bam.

 There were giant piles of horse poop here and there on the hay. I tried not to inhale or make a face.

 "Scoop up the manure, put it in the wheelbarrow." Bob talked like I was slow, "Any wet hay means it was urinated on. Wet hay goes in the wheelbarrow. Make it nice and clean, if you need more hay, well, you know where that is, doncha?"

 I couldn't help the look my eyes gave him. I wanted him dead in that moment.

 "Yeah." I sneered and squinted my eyes at the same time before I realized I was doing it.

 "Kay." Bob smiled, still as friendly as ever, "You do this side, I'll get the other."

 "This side?" I realized I was about to muck about 30 stalls back to back – alone.

 "Yep." Bob informed, "Don't half ass this part, Sharon hates bad muckers. Horses can get sick or infected if it's not clean in their stalls."

 And now a sick feeling arose in my stomach again. I knew what it was. Fear of making the boss lady angry. Hey, I analyzed myself that time.

 "Muck you." I mumbled to myself after I was sure Bob was out of earshot.

 Then I started mocking Bob. "Oh, you're gonna love this, Jay! Don't fret none!"

 This seemed to make me smile a little and caused time to fly by faster, and it took my mind off my sore back and legs, the horse piss cologne I was soaked in and stuck with all day, and the intense heat just made my flannel shirt that much cozier. Isn't there an air conditioner in here?

 I know it's wrong, especially with my past, but I want to claw every stitch of clothes off my body and hose myself down for a good hour. Right away, I was filled with shame. Maybe I was just a whore at heart, no matter what surroundings I was in. I was spoiled and lazy as hell. God, I'm weak. This is my new chance, the miracle I was praying for and got…and I was failing already. I'm glad Skylar can't see me now.

 I decided to try harder and stop thinking about my own discomfort. Do it for Katie and Skylar, I kept telling myself.

 About two hours later, just as I was almost finished with the 30th stall, I could hear the men and the horses coming back. Oh, great. I just got it all clean and here they come to fuck it all up again.

 My hair was soaking wet, in my eyes. My hat was glued to my head and my nice leather cowboy boots were not only muddy, shitty, and disgusting now, but they were killing my feet. Every bone and muscle in my body is throbbing. And did I mention that I stink like urine?

 In short, I was an inch away from bursting into tears. I looked at the clock and saw it was only 9:13am. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I feel like I've been here for two weeks! Katie just started school at 9. I wonder how she is. I swear, if any kid there hurts her feelings or teases her, I'll tear their face off.

 Yea, Claire, laugh your ass off, you bitch! I can hear you.

 Bob came up behind me as I was fluffing the clean hay, covering the last bare corner.

 "Good work, Sullivan, you're alright." Bob assessed with a tinge of pride.

 God, did that little compliment make me feel good. I almost launched myself into his arms.

 "Yeah?" I felt myself beaming, clutching the handle of my pitchfork to hold myself up.

 "Yeah, pretty good." Bob said, "Just move a little quicker tomorrow, that's all."

 My face fell. Move quicker? I might be in traction after today.

 "Alright, break's over." Bob snapped at me with his fingers, "Time to groom the horses."

 Break? Did I black out and miss something? Did I just have a break? Maybe he's talking about my fucking back! And just like that, I hated Bob all over again. I decided then we'd be having a love hate relationship. He was my new Claire.

 I followed Bob like a mummy, feeling void and numb inside, my eyes staring ahead like two empty orbs. God, this walk is familiar. The only thing missing is my god damned leash.

 We decided to start grooming Apollo, a male horse. Bob attached a leather strap to both sides of his head to hold him in place while we groomed him.

 Bob started by showing me how to comb all the knots out of Apollo's tail. There were so many combs and brushes. Bob was fingering through the long black tail as if it were a beautiful head of woman's hair.

 I really tried not to make a face. I hope I didn't.

 Then he told me to take little strands of the tail hair one at a time and gently comb through each strand until the whole tail was done. And to stand to the side – never behind the horse. I had no idea why and I didn't ask. I was past the point of curious banter with Bob at this point.

 I learned the three different kinds of curry combs and what each was for. Bob let me do it but he stood back and instructed me. He had me start at Apollo's neck and just use nice circular motions. This I liked. The horse seemed to enjoy it too and I understood that. I, too, enjoy to have my hair played with or brushed…ugh, I'm comparing myself to the horse now. I need a lobotomy. I'll write to Santa tonight.

 And funny, with Bob around, the horse seemed to behave himself. I wasn't fooled. This horse was one of the big assholes during feeding time today. I felt myself scowling at the back of the horse, thinking, I used to think horses were such sweet creatures, but now I know they're the sneakiest fuckers on earth!

 I learned how to wash the horse's face with a wet sponge, cleaning around the eyes, wiping out the nostrils, which was very interesting by the way, and I learned how to lift the hooves and clean the dirt and little rocks out from under there. A couple of times I nearly got kicked in the face but I did as Bob said and kept a tight hold on the hoof until the horse relaxed, then it was easy to bring it up between my legs and do my job. And don't think for a second I wasn't terrified with the hoof of one of these guys right between MY legs, either. But no one kicked me in the balls, so I guess someone was watching over me for awhile.

 And I learned how to find sweat marks on a horse and how to clean and brush them off the horse's coat. One thing about this rodeo, they wanted their horses clean and looking perfect, I guess because they were also performers in the show.

 I saw what Bob meant about the horse's personalities as I groomed a good bunch of them. Some were sweet and gentle, even a little playful with me as I worked. And others were just rude, trying to give me a hard time, even making a little whinny or nickering sound, as if laughing at me sometimes.

 One of them, Psycho was his name, even took a very steamy dump right on my legs as I brushed his ass. He got a great deal of pleasure out of that.

 I guess I know now why you don't stand directly behind the horse.

 "I don't like you." I gritted at him as he tossed his head around with glee, hysterical.

 "Dear Bob…" I grumbled to myself as I took the hose and turned it onto my own legs, "It was nice working with you…but I'm sorry to inform you that I'm suddenly allergic to horses…"

 And as the cold water soothed me and half erased the manure stink, I knew it was just a pipe dream. I couldn't quit. This was what the police assigned me. I was stuck here, being the horses' bitch.

 I held back a little sob as I realized that. God, I'm such a girl. I tried to remember my old ways and suck it up, take it in silence and put on a happy face. I wish there was someone mean around here who would tell me off and order me to get to work. I could deal with that.

 After I was done hosing myself off, soaking wet from the waist down, Bob appeared.

 Great.

 "Sullivan, the horse gets a bath, not you!" he chuckled good naturedly.

 I glared at him again and was about to go off when I forced Claire into my mind.

 "You useless little bitch!" she hollered at me, slapping my face, "You suck! Clean up this mess and stop looking at me that way!"

 I cast my eyes downward and breathed in relief.

 "I'm sorry Bob." I said, almost inaudibly, "I'll do better. I'll clean it up."

 "It's okay, Jay." he smiled, "It happens. You okay?"

 "Yes, Bob, I'm fine." I replied with all the warmth of a robot.

 "If you're hot, you're allowed to take your shirt off." Bob was guessing my dilemma.

 No I can't, I thought silently, my eyes on the hay below me, I'm covered with scars – lash marks from Raven's whip. They had healed somewhat, but they were not going to go away. I can hardly take my shirt off in front of Skylar. And I can never do it around Katie. We went swimming in a pond three days after we moved here and I had to wear a t shirt in the water. I felt like such a fool.

 "I'm not hot, I'm fine." I said, still using my submissive tones, praying he wouldn't figure out how I was coping.

 "You're sweating!" Bob was about to take my hat off, seeing the wetness of my hair, and that's when I snapped.

 "Don't touch me!" I bellowed, my jaw so tight I thought it would break. I clenched my eyes shut, not wanting to see him put his hands on me.

 I waited…and I didn't feel his hand touch me. I froze in that stance for about a minute as he said nothing and didn't move either.

 Finally, he said, in the calmest voice I ever heard, "Sorry. That was my fault. I forgot. I'll let you finish up."

 I felt something in me let go when he disappeared and I felt my vision blur. Great! Fucking tears again. What the hell is wrong with me? I want Dr. Skylar now.

 And it's only around 12. How many more hours do I have to be here? I wanted to run…to haul my ass as far away from here as I could. But where would I run to?

 I blinked and felt wetness on my face. I ignored it and went about cleaning up Psycho's manure, and then, finishing his own bath so I could go get another horse and start the whole nightmare all over again.

 Bob was probably out there now, spreading the word on what a pussy the new guy is. Not that I cared. I didn't want any of them to be my friends.

 I kept peeking out, hoping Sharon wasn't going to come over here and fire me. I didn't know why but I really didn't want to disappoint her.

 Katie must be having lunch now, I thought as I rinsed out Psycho's ass.

 I hope she has someone nice to eat with…I hope she's making friends.

 I led Psycho to his pen and backed out of it, not taking my eyes off him as I went, and closed his door, locking it with a metal bar that went down into the holes of the door.

 "You've got the right name." I commented now that I was safely on the other side of the bars. He just stared me down, daring me to make a move.

 I was just about to go and open the next door, a horse named Scratch Me Not, when Bob shouted out from behind me.

 "SULLIVAN!" he called.

 At this point, he'd now called me Sullivan so many times, I believed it was my real name.

 "Yes?" I turned to him, feeling my eyes move downward against my will.

 "I'm up here, Jay." he joked, motioning with his finger to his face.

 I forced my eyes up, half apologizing with them as they looked into his happy, carefree face.

 "That's better." he grinned, "It's time for lunch."

 I almost wept.

 But on the outside I just said, "Oh, okay." I sounded void of any personality at all. I didn't even recognize myself.

 I didn't know if there was some kind of lunchroom but I knew I didn't want to sit in there to eat next to other people. I was dirty and smelled of shit and piss. And I was still very wet.

 "Uh, we can eat outside." Bob waved me after him as I followed. I thought maybe he read my mind but maybe he was right. Maybe he had been through all this before, too, and understood.

 "It's a nice day out." he explained as he opened the fridge and handed me my own lunchbox, "And maybe if we eat fast enough we can take a dip in the lake out back."

 That sounded so heavenly but then I realized I'd have to take a dip in my clothes. I still wanted to do it, though, but I knew the stories would be flying around about what a nerd I was. Why I cared I have no idea. Yea, I do. I crave approval. Skylar told me that once.

 I already started making up stories about how great my day was, something I could tell her when I got home. Katie would want to hear cute horse stories. I began to create in my mind as we walked out around back, behind all the fenced in pens and fields. Thankfully, there was not one single horse in sight.

 Hi, I'm Ashton Irwin and I hate horses. Oh God, Katie would murder me for even thinking that.

 The two of us walked out way away from the stables until we got close to this pretty little lake. The sun was full on above us now and I thought maybe it felt even hotter out here than it did in the stable.

 Bob sat down on the grass and began taking off his work boots, his lunchbox to his left.

 I just stood there, watching like an idiot. I didn't like this. We were far away from everyone else…what if he started taking off his shirt? Maybe I can make up an excuse and go back.

 "Come on, Jay." Bob took off his second shoe, then his sock, "I know your feet are sore."

 "Yeah." I said, as if it should've been obvious.

 "Hurry up, then," he smiled, "Lunch is only 40 minutes. Then we gotta feed the horses again."

 Ugh. Didn't they just eat? It didn't seem that long ago that I was attacked about 30 times in a row.

 Bob laughed at something my face must've done.

 "It'll get better, Jay." he assured, as if he knew, "Come relax. I won't bite."

 I wanted to apologize. I wanted to confess everything and say 'I'm sorry I'm like this'. He had good intentions and was a good man and here I am acting like he's about to rape me because of something someone else did to me. One of these guys probably wouldn't touch a man in that way even if you held a gun to their noses.

 I sat down at Bob's side, a little distance away so I didn't appear unsociable, and put my hands to my right boot, gently peeling it off my aching foot. I winced and clenched my face as it came loose and as I took a breath, Bob chuckled, "Felt like it might come right off in the boot, didn't it?"

 I laughed at that, too, because that's exactly what I was afraid of.

 "I feel like such a wimp." I admitted, taking off my sock, "I had no idea horses could be so much work."

 Bob made a snort and moved his feet in the water as he opened his lunchbox.

 "It's a hell of a job." he said, taking out a wrapped sandwich, "When I first started, I wanted to leave one hour in."

 I clamped my mouth shut internally. I had wanted the same exact thing myself.

 "But I kept at it." Bob looked out into the water, "My family needed the money. There aren't many jobs I could step into around here. So I kept trying. Every day I got a little better at it. Every day I got a little closer to the horses, and they got used to me. Your body adjusts as you do this every day. It'll get easier, in time."

 I saw now that Bob and I had some things in common. That made me feel so much better. And now I carefully stuck my feet in the water.

 "Uhhhh…" I heard myself moan out, my eyes closing as my head fell back a bit.

 Bob chuckled and nodded, eating a bite of his sandwich.

 He instructed me that this job could be easier if I knew a few things. First, no fancy leather cowboy boots. Work boots were best, or rubber ones. Second, dress in comfortable clothes. Bob told me I didn't have to dress up like a cowboy if I wasn't comfortable in it. T-shirt, jeans, or even sweatpants were fine. Whatever I wanted. He told me to keep the hat, it would keep sun off your face, and shield your eyes from snow and wind as well.

 I listened, opening up my box to see what my beautiful Skylar had put in here for me.

 Right away, I saw a little post it note looking up at me. It was pink and said, "Good luck today. I am so proud of you Ashton."

 That was Skylar’s handwriting. Then, below it, Katie squeezed in her own words.

 "We love you daddy." it simply said.

 I felt like such a piece of useless shit right then.

 I heard Bob ask, "That is, if you're coming back tomorrow. Are you?"

 I tried to answer but found my throat all choked up. I nodded my head and tried to smile at Bob. Then my voice came half way back.

 "Yeah." I cleared my throat, "I will be here."

 We ate in silence for a bit, and it didn't feel strange or awkward. I felt myself taking a deep breath, letting go of the last few hard hours, trying to start a clean slate after lunch.

 I devoured my thick steak sandwich, the gravy from our leftovers the other night almost made me come right there next to Bob. I had never had a lunch break like this one before and I discovered that I liked it. I even got a little pudding pack, probably Katie's idea, and gulped down a very cool can of coke. That satisfied my sweet tooth, although I was still in search of a slurpee machine in this town and would not give up yet. I will find you!

 I enjoyed my meal so much that I almost forgot what I smelled like. Then Bob was climbing into the lake, totally dressed in his shirt and jeans.

 "Come on, Sullivan." he waded out until he was up to his waist, "Ohhhh it's so nice!"

 I was glad no clothes were coming off and I followed his lead, going in up to my own waist.

 "Ohh God yes…" I stretched my toes out below as I let the cool water erase all the day's disasters from my body. Bob dived in, his hat tossed aside on the grass, and when he erupted from beneath the water, he looked soaked but blissful.

 I wasn't much of a diver, so I waded in until I was up to my neck and then I laid my head back and let my hair drown in the coldness.

 I ran my hands through a few times and couldn't suppress my enjoyment of it all. I squatted and let my face dunk under a couple of times and sighed out loud, closing my eyes again.

 "See?" Bob smirked, "You're fine."

 "This was a great idea." I said without any hesitation, then added, with utmost sincerity, "Thank you, Bob."

 "Someone took me under their wing when I started…" he shared, moving his arms around him, "That's all I was trying to do for you…and…I'm sorry if I got too grabby with ya. I know that's a problem I have…"

 "Oh God, no, Bob…" I heard myself stopping him, as I looked away, "It's not you…don't apologize. I have…issues. You were just trying to help me, I know that now. I'm sorry."

 "Well, it's none of my business." he said kindly, "But if you think I'm getting too touchy feely, you just say so, alright?"

 I couldn't hide a smile. "Alright. Thanks."

 "Alright Sullivan." Bob grinned, "Race you to the other side!"