Sirius Black has earned her name. She earns her name with every second she exists. Like she earns it now, cold glass pressed agains her bare shoulders. James likes to keep the curtains open at night so the streetlamp across the road can shine through. Once again, Sirius is blocking her from the light.
James has been awake for a few minutes now, lying in bed and staring at her silhouette. She’s pretending she isn’t, holding herself so still but Sirius knows and James knows she knows.
When she gets up and walks over, the first thing James does is copy the way she is sitting. Holds her cheek to window so they can be cold together.
“Couldn’t sleep?” She asks so softly. Sirius shakes her head. James reaches out and folds Sirius’ fingers into her palm, the way they do in period pieces when the lord is about to kiss his lady. James grips both her hands like that and pulls them to her chest.
Sirius’ face burns where James’ eyes land, too hot, too intense for someone like her. She can see what’s behind them and she is terrified. It is something she has no place for. Once James throws it at her, she will be forced to carry it as there is nowhere else for it to go.
Not yet. Don’t love me yet, please. Let me have this a little longer.
James is in love with her and Sirius knows. She also knows that there is a voice in the back of her mind screaming at her to make James stop. Because Sirius cannot love her back, not the way she needs it.
She could try for James. She’ll do whatever she wants because James makes Sirius good. This kind of love isn’t natural to her but if the gardens she comes from are anyway rotten then isn’t unnatural better? She’ll carry it for as long as she can and maybe someday James will tire of her cold. Decide she never did deserve it.
Sirius will try to love James and dream about that day in the meantime.
