Mini docu qui présente le seul en scène d'Aurélie Ruby de la Cie du Pas Suivant.

Dearest Girl, Sometimes when we are talking, my mind races to things I wish I had said. What we don’t say can leave great gaps in understanding, leaving room for misunderstanding and misinterpretation of what we do say. When you said that you didn’t want to tell your parents because they might be mad at you, my heart contracted. “No, no,” I wanted to say. Fear and guilt or fear of guilt are not…

To the one who feels intimidated and diminished by my being and self expression.

I have empathy and compassion for how my self expression makes you respond. I understand that my expressions can allow your system to utilize and distort them to self-abuse or self-denigrate and elicit defensiveness and attacks on me. 

Nonetheless, as you might have experienced, I will stay true to myself and express what wants to be expressed in the moment. Not from a lack of care for your feelings but from love for myself and in honor of our sovereignty and relationship.

As much or little as I might be willing to hold space and support you in your processes, your responses and patterns will always be your responsibility to work with and handle. 

I will neither enable patterns of self abuse nor accept patterns of egoic grandeur that express in stabs or other attempts at cutting me down. 

If the quality of our connection, circumstances and your level of awareness allow for it I will share my observations on the dynamics I observe between us. When I do so it is an invitation to feel into, analyze and playfully integrate the dynamic. When I do not address it I have concluded it wouldn't be helpful or resolvable as awareness and/or resources might be lacking.

The more intensely I am met with your discomfort or resistance to my being me or sharing of knowing without the possibility of shared resolution, the less I will choose your presence in my experience. 

Don't get m wrong, I appreciate and am grateful for the lessons in self love and being true to self you afford me and I don't mind holding space for your processes. Yet when given a choice of how to spend my time I currently prefer the presence of people who enrich my life with evolutionary, easy or at least playful co-creations.

Did you notice that I wrote currently? 

That is owed to the fact that I am currently in a cycle of dedicated and in-depth recalibration of self, investing the majority of my energy and awareness on changing me to be a more balanced and whole version of my being.

At some later point in my journey I might be up to play along with your scripts of self-deprecation and abuse as a means of holding space for your evolution into more self love and balance. And maybe I won't. 

I don't know... what I know is that we are always loved and will be guided and support perfectly whenever and however we need it. So if I decline to dance with you, the Universe will assure you get the perfect partner to be successful in your learning and lessons.

I love you and trust you to embrace your worthiness and infinite lovability in your unique self expression.

Photography: Zev aka fiddle oak

For someone who spoke of communication you misheard a lot. Sometimes it felt like we were speaking two different languages. I was speaking latin, you were speaking in tongues. So we yelled at each other. Mine came out like a geyser, word vomit you called it. Yours came out like the stream of a water fountain. Steady, consistent, on your terms. 

You said you understood me. In fact, you practically mansplained me to me. You picked my brain for two and a half weeks and thought you had me pegged out. You told me who I was. And I bent and broke to become that. You were angry that I lied, you claimed you would have preferred the ugly truth. But that’s what we all say after the fact. I trusted you with the ugly, it was the beautiful you never saw.

I told you all my secrets. But I have something that I kept to myself. Something better than confessions of past mistakes. Moments. Moments of pure, unadulterated happiness. Looking back I chose to ignore the bad in you, but you never got to see the good in me. I didn’t want you to. I didn’t want to share with you the most intimate, authentic part of me. I didn’t want you to touch it.

Dancing around the apartment as my roommates and I got ready for a night out. Giggling at three am as we plan our greatest prank. Riding in the car together as we blast our favorite music and sing along...badly. These I keep to myself- these are mine.

Right now you’re apologizing. But it’s more for you than me. Even still you’re trying to define me. You’re telling me I was the insecure one. I was the one that needed to make the effort. Your apology isn’t an apology, it’s just one last effort to hit me where it hurts. But I don’t care anymore.

You write me paragraph after paragraph trying to show me ‘your side’ of things. You justify your choices based on my actions. You manipulate me. But I don't feel hurt, or angry, or guilty. You do. You claim that you saw me. That when I look in the mirror I might not see myself, but you saw me. You couldn’t be more mistaken. I see myself exactly how I am.