#communicationanswer

Just be upfront with them and talk about it! I’d say something like “I know I told you guys about my AvPD but I’m a little anxious about my social interactions. How do you think I’m doing with that? Is there anything I can improve on? I want to better myself so I can be a good friend in return.” I’m a little robotic so of course put it in your own words but I think if you express that you’re just unsure and looking for some feedback, they’ll respond in kind. 

Good luck, anon!

Hi there! Below are links to some of our previous asks that might be useful in helping you better your friendship with your friend with AvPD. 

As far as helping them with their struggles with procrastination, I’ve linked some resources down below that address how to overcome procrastination; however, I think it’s important to consider that while you can offer your support and encouragement, your friend is the one who will ultimately have to work towards addressing these problems. If you’d like to take a more active role in helping them, I suggest you work out the specifics of how your friend would like your assistance with them, as that can often vary greatly from person to person.

General Advice on Communication

Could anyone recommend how people without avpd should speak to people with avpd?

My girlfriend has avpd, and I was wondering if you had any advice? like how to go about confrontation, and how to be helpful and supportive and have a healthy relationship overall? 

Is there anything for me to keep in mind when interacting with an avpd person?

Overcoming Procrastination

7 Module Overcoming Procrastination

Tips for Getting Motivated

Weekly Time Management Exercise

I hope this has helped.

My first piece of advice is to research AvPD. Maybe look at our resources and our previously answered asks to gain a better understanding. Knowing more about the illness will help you with helping your friend because it can gain insight to what he’s going through. 

Secondly, explain to your friend that you’ve read up on his mental illness and show that you care. Tell him that you want to help but understand sometimes he needs space and isn’t comfortable telling you how he feels because that’s totally okay. Sometimes people don’t want to open up and you have to accept that. I know you want to help but sometimes helping comes in the form of validation and just being there.

Third, know that trust takes time to regain. It takes time and effort on your part to show that you are worthy of that same trust. Be patient, take your time. It’s not a race. 

I hope this helps and good luck on mending your relationship!

but I have my limits and I feel like they were finally reached. he told me he feels better, but lately he’s been taking long periods of time to respond to messages and when he does they’re very short, and he never starts conversations anymore. it’s all me running them. i’m thinking he’s either still depressed, or he doesn’t like me anymore. I asked him before and he’s told me he’s had a lot of schoolwork, but I don’t trust that explanation for some reason. he’s my safe person, so i supposedly trust him more than anyone else… but it’s been so long since he’s been himself that i feel that trust slipping away, I’m beginning to fear he secretly hates me after all like everyone else does. I don’t want this, I adore him more than anyone else in my life and he helps me have a will to live. what can I do to stop being suspicious of him? And not even because he’s my safe person, but because he’s my best friend. I have to trust him and not trusting him is hurting me so much. I just want my beloved best friend/safe person back… and I’m so scared he’ll hate me or not trust ME anymore if I express my concerns. please help me. also I’m so sorry for this several part ask.

Hi there. On behalf of the blog, we’re very sorry it has taken us so long to respond to your ask. Please be patient with us while we get caught up on all of our asks. I’m sorry to hear that both you and your safe person have been experiencing so many significant difficulties these past few months.

I empathize with your concerns that your safe person doesn’t like you and has become distant in communication. However, it is vital to remember that this is one of the most common logical fallacies people with AvPD struggle with. These kinds of negative thoughts can be very hard, but given that you two have been close for multiple years, I think there is a likelihood something else might be going on. As you mention, he could authentically be having a busy time academically right now or, alternatively, he might still be struggling with depression. Either way, I think opening up the channels of communication and expressing your concerns is a good idea! I would suggest the steps outlined in the “resolving problems” section of this website.

It would also be a good opportunity for you both to talk candidly about his mental health and encourage him to seek help and support if he’s still struggling. One important thing to remember is that social isolation is often a major symptom of depression and many depressed people can become quite good at masking their symptoms. 

I know it can be hard to open up and discuss your concerns, but I think doing so will play an important role in helping you regain a sense of trust with your safe person.

Sorry again for the delay! I hope this has helped.

Hey. Thanks for sending in an ask. There are definitely some you can do to assure your friend you care about them!

First, words really can make a big difference. Although praise and reassuring statements can sometimes make avoidants uncomfortable, it can also mean a great deal to us, especially if it is coming from someone we care about. Personally, I don’t think direct statements are necessarily a bad thing, as they leave less room for misunderstandings or fears to creep in. Here’s a list of a few ways to express that you care about someone, if you need some ideas.

You might also consider doing some of the activities listed in this article (e.g., sending them things that remind you of them, initiating conversations, encouraging them to do something they enjoy, asking about their day in earnest, making time in your schedule and spending it with them specifically, etc.) 

Additionally, just being patient in your communication with them and trying to avoid critical statements is another great way to be a supportive friend. 

You might also be interested in reading our responses to some similar questions we’ve been asked from our answers directory, under the “resources for loved ones” section:

I am someone’s safe person. What should I keep in mind?

What I can do to make conversations easier for an avoidant?

Good luck!

Hey. 

I know it can be scary to open up to someone about how you’re feeling and it is easy to focus on what might go wrong, but for every possible bad reaction there are three good ones. Don’t focus too much on what happens afterward, just put your mind to actually telling them first.

Here are some Asks from our Answers Directory(link) that may help:

What do I do if I think I have AvPD? 

How do I tell someone that I have AvPD?

I’m afraid of bringing up AvPD, but I still want help?

To receive a diagnosis, you don’t need to go to a hospital specifically, in fact a hospital may send you to a clinic or counselling service instead since hospitals are usually for people experiencing an emergency or crisis. Here is another helpful link with information about different ways to seek treatment:

How do I get a diagnosis and/or treatment? 

Hey there. Thanks for reaching out. Communicating with an ex-partner can certainly be difficult. I think the best approach would be to focus on trying to express your thoughts as honestly as possible without being accusatory. If you feel the need to express something that upset you during the relationship, I think you should. However, it might be useful to pay attention to the tone you use and how you frame the situation (e.g., try to avoid placing the blame on who they are as a person, etc.).

I highly recommend this website that discusses ways to modify your language to ensure that you can express yourself without sounding aggressive or passive. This honest communication worksheet may also be useful. 

Alternatively, if you feel guilty over breaking up with them and want to explain why it happened, I would recommend extending the same techniques to yourself. Just be honest about your own feelings and actions; focus on assertive language; try not to place the blame on who you inherently are, etc.

If you find yourself having trouble initiating a conversation or you’re worried about coming up with something to say, try writing a few conversation scripts that you can practice and become familiar with in advance. Imagine what kinds of things they might say and have some responses prepared. This might help you feel more prepared when you’re ready to start a discussion.

If this hasn’t helped, please don’t hesitate to send us another ask! Good luck.

Hello. 

It’s great that you are trying to accommodate your friend’s needs by reaching out to us for information. Your friend is lucky to have you!

Firstly I think you should try to rule out any other reasons than their AvPD for ignoring your messages. Did they lose/break/have no credit on their phone? Do they have other responsibilities or engagements on (it is almost Christmas after all)? If you have another way to contact them other than text message, I would suggest doing that if you haven’t already. Problem solved? Awesome! If not, continue reading. 

It is difficult for me to suggest a single way to approach your friend if they are avoiding you because everyone is different and while one approach may work for someone, it won’t work for someone else. I can suggest five, ten different ways and none of them may work, y’know. The best approach I can suggest is one that worked in the past. Think back to a time where your friend has avoided you or someone else, what did you/that person do to help your friend overcome their avoidance? Try to recreate that scenario. 

If you don’t have a previous approach to try or if it fails, the second best thing you can do is let your friend know that you support them and care for them and wait it out. If they don’t want to contact you, there’s a reason for that and you need to respect whatever it may be, even though you don’t know what it is. The last thing you want to do is force it, and make the situation worse. 

Here are some links we have with general information for helping a person who has AvPD:

I am someone’s safe person. What should I keep in mind?

What I can do to make conversations easier for an avoidant?

What do I do if I suspect someone I love has AvPD?