#commitment issue

Having abandonment issues commitment issues and trust issues makes you so hard to love. And you know that. You know you’re not easy to love. And you’re afraid of people noticing that. You’re afraid to fall in love firstly because you’re afraid of commitment. You don’t want to get hurt and you don’t want to hurt. Then if you get past that you’re afraid they might leave you so here comes your fear of abandonment. What you tend to do is leave before they do. But once you’re even past that and in a relationship you start to question everything; things like <what if they lose interest> <what if I’m boring> <what if I’m not enough> <what if they don’t love me they I love them> <what happens if they leave> <what happens if I’m no longer important to them> <am I the problem> And you get sucked into this hole of endless possibilities of why they might leave you and you stand there filled with fear and doubt and the infinite questions of what if.

I just want to be in love, but I also never want to get attached to anyone ever. So, you see my dilemma. 

I have this fight or flight mechanism that kicks in right about the time things get too intense in the relationship and hit the ground running in the opposite direction.

This is gonna sound impractical and dumb but I am severely afraid of being alone. I cannot stand the thought of waking up and not having someone there with me and I cannot stand the thought of not having someone to love and have them love me. But the dumb thing? I'm afraid of commitment and terrified for the same reasons. I cannot stand the thought of waking up with someone next to me and I cannot stand the thought of having someone love me and me loving them because I am a mess I fall too easily but not easily enough. I feel as though I deserve better but better is not coming. I pine over people I don't even know and have met only once because they said one nice thing to me and don't even consider the people who have been with me my whole life. I have high expectations but don't expect them to be met. I want someone to love and to hold and to cherish but I'm terrified they'll leave. I make myself read and watch and witness every happy couple story and suddenly expect it to become true only to find out that it's not and can't. I feel as though it's me that's wrong and that I'm the one who has to change and then I'm immediately backed with the answer of no, that I'm perfectly fine just the way I am. I live vicariously through people hoping for the thought that there's something to be felt because I feel nothing and everything all at once. I want to be loved but I'm scared of it. I want to be scared because it means I'll be loved. I'm terrified of love...but it's all I want