#comicbookfilms

My fiancé was just helping me with some honeymoon destinations. Right... we’re getting married...

Five years ago, Thanos erased half of the population of the universe. But the people of this planet brought everyone back with the snap of a finger. The sudden return of the population provided the necessary energy for the Emergence to begin. How long do we have? Seven days.

From your secret friend. Who? I haven’t a clue. Let’s play a game, just me and you. 

Released in 2006, you might initially confuse Superman: Brainiac Attacks for an early installment in DC's long-running series of Direct-to-Video Animated Movies. It isn't. Not even close. The villains are not interesting, there are gaping plot holes, the story is not original. After it's over, you'll wonder “Was that it?” and yet, I didn't dislike it.

Rocketed from the dying planet of Krypton, baby Kal-El was raised by a kind, elderly couple and as an adult adopted the identity of Superman, Earth’s greatest hero (voiced by Tim Daly). When danger isn’t present, he masquerades as Clark Kent and works as a reporter alongside Lois Lane (Dana Delany). When his greatest enemies, Brainiac (Lance Henriksen) and Lex Luthor (Powers Boothe) conspire together to take down the Man of Steel, can Superman overcome the odds?

This movie tricks you. It uses the same animation style as the DC Animated Universe (prominently featured in Batman: The Animated Series, Superman: The Animated Series and Justice League Unlimited) so you think it's connected, and therefore has value. It isn't in continuity. You can tell from the characters' behavior. Instead of a cool, calculating villain, Lex Luthor is a buffoon. A coward and fan of bad jokes, no one would ever describe him as a threat. Brainiac? Little more than a generic alien invader who wants to destroy stuff. Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen (David Kaufman(, and Superman fare a bit better because they have moments here and there where their personalities shine through but all have forehead-slappingly bad moments.

“Hey! Come on now.” Lex Luthor’s been kind of a bumbling supervillain before. Even the darkest comic book characters have had their shares of lighter storylines. Can’t you let that go?” Fine. I’ll humor you. Maybe this is destined for small children instead of teens and young adults. It's still a bad story with big plot holes. When Brainiac and Luthor ally themselves, the alien takes control of a satellite orbiting earth and reconfigures it into a new body. Do satellites normally contain kilometer-long metal tentacles, rocket boosters to allow them to fly around, mechanical hands, and an outer shell made to survive Superman's punches? I can't discuss in detail the portals to other dimensions that can open up anytime, anywhere or the dozens of buildings that are either always empty or contributed to a monstrous body count during the film's climax - that would give away the ending - but you see what I'm getting at.

There are a few moments here and there fans of the character will find cool. There's an interesting twist halfway through that deals with Superman and Lois Lane. The initial battle between Brainiac and Superman is exciting. If you look hard, you'll find some neat bits of dialogue. I'm trying, guys. Ultimately, Superman: Brainiac Attacks does not feel like a movie. Not even a direct-to-video movie. It's a bad episode of the Superman Animated Series, made worse by the fact that it isn't actually part of the series. (On DVD, April 12, 2015)