#coldkingdomband

It’s been a while since the last time I’ve posted to this blog. There is an explanation as to why I have not posted…and I wish there was a better one…but there isn’t. Nevertheless, the reason I haven’t posted is one that may seem a little taboo to talk about, and to be honest, feels a little draining to think about the reality of it all. However, I’ll try to be somewhat poignant in my explanation and do my best to keep it from sounding like a sob story or me complaining about things that are seemingly out of my control. So, here goes:

When we were on the road with Shinedown and As Lions, the boys in As Lions went to a show in Los Angeles. It was a show I was most definitely interested in attending, but I was more interested in seeing my family arrive after a long couple of weeks without seeing them. The show included one of my favorite sing-along hardcore groups; Underoath. I didn’t really know much else about the show other than the fact Bring Me The Horizon and Beartooth were also playing. I’m a casual BMTH fan, but knew nothing about Beartooth. 

With my family coming into town, I wanted to make sure that I was dedicating all of my time to their arrival, thus, I did not attend the show. The next day at one of our shows, Dave (drummer for As Lions) and I talked about the show. He informed me how bummed he was to have missed the entire Beartooth set. I had grown an avid respect for Dave by this point and trusted his taste in music. I didn’t give it much thought until we ended the tour and I found myself with very little to do other than write and avoid being bored in a Las Vegas hotel. So, I started scouring for new music and things to research in terms of moving forward with the band. Beartooth seemed like an acceptable place to start. 

Upon first listen, I enjoyed what I heard, but wasn’t sure if it was going to be something that I fully gravitated towards. While listening to the music, I do as I usually do with new bands that I know nothing about, and I started researching who they were and where they came from.

All the while, I was sitting in this Las Vegas hotel dreading the fact that I was stuck so far away from home with absolutely no money and very little else to do. It didn’t help that the tour had ended and I really had nothing more on my radar to look forward to in terms of the band. I began feeling drained and exhausted. My mind started wandering at what the potential next steps with the band were and also what I was going to do when I got home regarding personal finances. I left my job in December in hopes of focusing solely on working towards a career in music. I have to say, it’s 100% the opposite of a lucrative endeavor and has been tough to make any ends meet. Thinking about finances alone can be something that sends me into a complete tailspin of depression.

I sat in the air conditioned hotel room researching this band and trying to avoid the overall panic attack that was beginning to set in. Reading the lyrics as well as the back history of the band really started to open my eyes and shed a lot of light on some things that I’ve been dealing with over the past few years.

My wife and I have always described my personality as “moody”. There are times when I can be a peach and be having the best week of my life. Within moments, I can flip the script and be the most depressed mother fucker you’ve ever met in your life. I shut down. My typically open door of communication is non-existent and I want nothing to do with reality or anything social. I hate people and wear my emotion on my sleeve for all to see. Not even my wife or kids are safe from the pure devastation my “mood swings” would produce. Sarah (my wife for those of you who don’t know her by name), would always refer to these moods as me being “in it” and would do her best to allow me to work through them. 

Placing a finger on why my mood would violently alter was never something I’ve been able to do. Just this last week, Sarah and I started to discuss the possible futures of playing in a band. While some of the outcomes were positive, a lot of the outcomes were on the opposite end of the spectrum. I started to realize that all of the hard work that I’ve been putting into making this band work could (possibly) crash to the ground and I’d be left at square one all over again. Knowing myself and how I’m wired, I know I’d eventually find a way to pick myself back up and start over again in a completely new way, but the fear and anxiety of that failure weighed heavily on me, especially with the financial burden I have placed over my family’s head to pursue this dream. 

I could feel my chest begin to tighten and my breathing took on a new pattern. I couldn’t breathe as easily and felt my stomach start to churn. I felt a panic attack coming on and there wasn’t any way I could curb it other than to grab a guitar from my studio and hope to “creatively” write the feeling away. Having a guitar in my hand only assisted in pushing my fears of “failing” with music deeper and deeper. My emotions were running wild and all I wanted to do was curl up and cry.

It’s a difficult thing to be in a band that is trying to do things 100% DIY. Working so hard to get someone in the music industry to notice you and what you’re doing only to receive an onslaught of “NO”’s in working with you is, for lack of a better term, daunting. It’s exhausting working the business side of the band and receiving so many rejections. Even the proudest of people would struggle with it. When you come off of such an amazing experience of touring with a national band, but watching both bands continue on their touring journey’s and you’re at home scraping the bottom of the barrel to find a way to provide for your family…the uncertainty of being in a band starts to take its toll on you and you start to feel a bit discouraged. Mix that in with the overwhelming fear of failure, and it’s not a healthy drink to try to swallow.

I did my best to try and ignore the feelings that were sitting deep in the pit of my stomach. It clearly wasn’t working. I spent the entire day on Wednesday locked in my studio trying to create something simply for the sake of creating. I needed to know that outside of what I was doing with my band, I could create something that was wanted by someone else. I set out to write and record a song with the full intention that it was not going to be something I was going to use for Cold Kingdom. Maybe it was just me trying to convince myself that there is something out there for me whether it be Cold Kingdom or something different…I don’t know. It was an expectation I set for myself and one I achieved within the day. 

I finished the song and felt proud of my accomplishment. It was something I hadn’t done before: write a song strictly for myself and no one else. I wanted to share it with other people and see if it was something I could get someone else excited about. I needed the reassurance that my creation held some sort of meaning outside of being proud of it for myself. Perhaps it was just the people I sent it to, but the minimal feedback I received on the song didn’t really reassure me that my future outside of CK was really cemented in optimism. 

You’ll never hear me fishing for compliments. Hell, if you don’t like my music; cool. I do what I do because I love it. However, on this particular day, while dealing with these overwhelming feelings of despair, I needed someone to tell me that what I just created mattered. I needed something other than criticism and artistic critique. Any other day, I would have been fine not receiving it. This particular day was otherwise.

Thursday came around and I spent the day working on a job site trying to wash away the impending sadness that had washed over me with filling up the day with manual labor. While it somewhat worked, I could still feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into this depressive state. It was taking me over and there was nothing I could do to stop it or even bottle it up and hide it away. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I was stuck simply dealing with this shit. 

It was now Friday and I had to hole up in a van and drive 5 ½ hours away to a show in Racine, WI. I knew I wasn’t upset with anyone in the band, but I also knew that I didn’t want to be around anyone, let alone stuck in a box on wheels to play a show hours away from home. I was miserable and stuck inside my own head. As Sarah had said in the past; I was “in it”…..DEEP.

My poor band members. While I did my best to not take out all of these feelings on them, they still had to ride in a van with me as I sulked in my own misery. The night before, I had started to listen to a new group called, “Nothing, Nowhere.”. There’s not much for information when researching this group, but there was something about the vibe of the music and the words/emotion he was spilling into each song that really kept me listening. Every song is melancholy and sad. It was probably not something I needed in that moment, but somehow still was. I listened to the songs on repeat pretty much the entire trip out to Racine. I was sinking deeper and deeper.

The “funny” thing about both bands that I’ve listed in the blog post, is that both lead singers seem to deal with the same shit I’d been dealing with throughout the week, but have never been able to pinpoint until relating to their music: anxiety.

I allow myself to get overwhelmed by everything in my life I’m working on or dealing with. I feel as though I’m a strong individual and can handle all of these things at one time all while dealing with someone else’s problems at the same time. I’m a problem solver and I pride myself on being so. It’s the “problems” I don’t have complete control over that start to take over my mind thought and the process of working towards their resolution. I think of the possible, yet sometimes non-probable, outcomes and let the fear of the unknown take over. The anxiety of these issues causes panic attacks and I have trouble breathing, sleeping or even functioning on a normal level. There’s a possibility this has caused a lot of my boredom and frustrations when I’m in a job and feel stuck, needing to find something different to “challenge” me. 

There aren’t too many words that can truly describe this feeling unless you yourself have experienced in one capacity or another. 

I don’t write about this because I’m looking for sympathy. I write this because it’s helping me find some clarity in how to deal with said issue. I mentioned earlier that this subject may be a little taboo for some to talk about. Believe me, it’s something that’s hard for me to want to put a term on either…but it’s real. Anxiety is real and a complete bitch. I’m still struggling with the decision of whether I sit down and talk to a professional about this or not. My pride keeps me from sitting and discussing problems that I am already well aware of and am trying to get a grasp on with fighting them from my own mental state. My fears keep me from talking to them on the instance that these professionals recommend I medicate this issue to assist with the panic attacks. What if it curbs my creativity? What if it completely fucks up my drive to want something so much more out of this music endeavor? That takes away a good part of the chemical material that makes Zac Boyd; Zac Boyd. That scares the shit out of me too. Enter yet another equation into the endless cycle of anxiety and the fears it brings to light.

There is help. I’m glad I’m starting to recognize what this could possibly be. Now, it’s just a matter of sucking up my pride and sitting down with someone who could possibly help me better than myself. I will continue to push for what I want from this music industry. I will continue to push for the success of Cold Kingdom. I will always push myself to be creative and explore new avenues with my drive towards the business aspect of it. Having music to be able to relate to has helped me open my eyes to what I’ve dealt with for years, and I couldn’t be more appreciative of that. There is help out there. I’ll find it. Perhaps to the very few reading this blog that find themselves around me, this will help somewhat explain why I am the way I am sometimes. It’s not just me being an asshole ;)

Enjoy some of the music that has helped get me through some shit times this week:

The tour with Shinedown and As Lions officially ended 4 days ago. 

My initial intention was to sit down and blog every day of the tour. That clearly didn’t happen. I knew that a tour of this magnitude was going to be a lot of work; just how much work was something I wasn’t entirely prepared for. 

I’ve always known that touring life was something that I want to do. Hell, I’m currently writing a book that highlights all of the highs and lows I’ve experienced while being a working musician. Reflecting on a lot of the shit that I’ve done/gone through while working towards the ultimate goal of being a paid musician really puts a lot of things into perspective. This business is an unforgiving fickle bitch. Most people see the aspect of being on the road as nothing but a party. Better yet, the perception of being a touring musician encompasses a life of glamour and constant vacation. It’s really anything but.

Life on the road is not only tough on a personal level, but it’s also difficult when you’re thrown into a van with 5 other people of whom you’re unfamiliar with their regular/daily routines. Tensions can run high and annoyances deep. Working through those circumstances is really the true testament of a band.

I found myself with very little free time this entire tour. Believe me when I say; I’m not complaining. When it comes to band life, I’m a fucking workaholic. I put my nose to the grind stone and push for every opportunity afforded to us. One will rarely find a moment where I’m not constantly searching for the next step for the band to take. I figured blogging about our experiences was going to be a good outlet to really showcase all of the hard work we have been putting into this band. We know we’re not entitled to or owed a goddamn thing. What we have we worked very hard for. We’ve been blessed that we’ve made some pretty clutch decisions.

Showing up to the first show really highlighted exactly how much work was going to go into making these dates as successful as they possibly could be. Here’s a little light shed on what goes into being an opening band on a national tour:

Load in

We were instructed to show up at 1 o’clock every day to every venue we were playing. Shinedown had a full production team behind them. What this includes is two Prevost buses, a semi truck containing all of the gear/lighting rig/sound stations (monitors and front of house), stage crew, merch crew, tour managers, stage managers, etc. Shinedown shows up at 11 to the venue and the crew gets to work. The lighting scaffolds get set up, the sound engineers start to run all of their lines and stage hands are present to get the drum riser and guitar rigs in place for proper performance. Both As Lions and Cold Kingdom wait in the wings until all necessary items have been loaded in to the venue and are in proper placement for the crew to take over initial setup. When given the instruction, both bands are afforded hired stage hands that assist in bringing all gear into the venue. Our gear is then set in a specific spot in the venue where it will be out of way of all working personnel in the Shinedown camp. The drums get set up with their appropriate mic placement clipped on to each individual drum; the guitar rigs are plugged in; in-ear monitors are set up and ready for soundcheck; merch is unpacked and set up appropriately for highest point of sale; guitars are restrung when necessary and we play the waiting game.

In Between

Once all gear has been accounted for and ready for loading on stage given the instruction, the band has plenty of time to roam the halls/basement/upstairs of the venue. We’re given what’s called a “God Pass”. The pass allows us to move about the venue with little to no question. Sometimes, as in Reno, there’s so much to explore that we’d run out of time to find all of the nooks and cranny’s available to wander into. Other times, there’s very little to see in a venue; a green room and the show floor. Very rarely would we get the chance to leave the venue in “fear” that the stage manager would require something from us. Should we not be available to comply with the requests of the stage manager, it reflects poorly on how we are handling our business. Being a baby band on our first national tour, it was of utmost importance for us to portray nothing but a professional demeanor. 

Stage Load

After Shinedown completely their soundcheck for the evening, the drum platform was disassembled as well as the ramps set up on each side of the stage for Zach and Eric. The lighting crew would remove the mirrors set up at the front of the stage that reflected the lasers provided by the Shinedown camp. Once all necessary performance pieces were removed from the stage, it was time for As Lions to load their gear onto the stage and prepare their soundcheck for the evening. Being from the UK, the bands management rented them a driver/tour manager/sound engineer to handle those pieces of the business every night. Inevitably, there would be a bit more time involved to get the pieces into place for him to set up his pieces of the puzzle. Mic snakes would get changed out and different lines would be patched into the main sound board in order to facilitate their sound through his equipment. Once all of their equipment was set up, properly mic’ed and ready to roll, the band would run through two of their songs to make sure everything was up to par for when they took the stage. We became very good friends with these Brit boys and did everything we could to help in moving the process forward more smoothly. 

After the two songs of sound check, it was now time to tear down their drums, find a place for them to strike that was easily accessible for when we completed our set, set up Chris’ drums and wheel out our rigs for placement. Some stages took a little more intricate thinking to be able to accommodate all of our gear and others were more than ample amounts of space for us all to fit and be able to dance around. We would run all mic lines to the drum mics so graciously provided to us from Electro-Voice, plug in DI lines into our guitars rigs, run the in-ear monitors for Dani and have a main mic line and a backup mic line ready for that rare instance the main mic goes down during the show. Some nights would be behind schedule and only allow us enough time to run one song for sound check. Other nights, we’d find ourselves with a plethora of time and be able to really dial in our monitors for show time. Regardless of the amount of time we had for sound check, we always found ourselves with a maximum of an hour before showtime. It wasn’t uncommon for us to finish with our sound check and start to see bodies flowing through the doors. Our sound check would always finish damn near the exact same time as doors being opened for people to file in.

Show Time

The hour before playing the show always seemed to be the time that would progress the quickest throughout the entire day (with the exception of the actual stage time, of course). This interval of time was always most brutal for me to go through. I was excited to play the show, but was also always nervous about how many people were actually going to filter in through the door to be able to see our band play. These crowds, after all, were ultimately what was going to afford us to continue this tour. If we weren’t getting in front of as many people as we possibly could, we weren’t going to be able to sell merch to self fund what we were doing, not to mention be able to successfully come back to these areas to be able to play for reasonable crowds. A band only survives by word of mouth and its fan bases willingness to “sell” your band to their friends. I eventually realized it was in my best interest to not venture out onto the floor to see how the crowd was filling out. It was smarter for me to wait until I actually took stage to witness the influx of people there to witness the carnage we produce on stage. I never play a different show due to the amount of individuals in attendance, but it’s always nice to know you’re playing for a relatively good amount of people. Especially when we’re this far away from home in a market who doesn’t know us from Adam. 

Every night when I’d take the stage, I’d look out into the audience and feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for this experience. There was never a show I’d look out and think, “Dammit...I wish there were more people here.” The crowds were always amazing. We played to multiple sold out venues. Not a lot of bands, local or not, can say they’ve had that opportunity on their first tour. We’d get on stage and deliver our 25-30 minute set of rock with as poignant of precision as possible. We were playing for keeps. This was cut throat and we weren’t taking it easy. Every night of this tour, I walked off the stage feeling as though I stepped out of a swimming pool. There will never be a time I don’t give it my absolute all. I feel everyone in Cold Kingdom delivers the same sentiment every time we get on stage. To me, that’s what really sets us apart from most other bands trying to accomplish the same feat as we are.

Every night, it felt that as soon as it had started; it was over. We’d end with The Break every night, and every night I’d hear the cheers from the audience I’d get a feeling of “Bummer....that went far too quick” and I’d find myself wanting more and wanting to get to the next night to do it all over again.

Load Out

We just threw down for 30 minutes giving all of our exhaustion and efforts and leaving them on stage. At a typical local show, even the opening band would have the opportunity to simply tear down their gear off stage, put it to the side and enjoy the rest of the evening. When the headlining band is finally done with their set, that’s when tear down occurs and every band loads their shit out the door. A national tour is a completely different story.

Once our set ended, it was a mad dash to get all cables wrapped up, drums dismantled and everything Cold Kingdom related off of the stage. Once our gear was removed from the stage, we’d typically help the As Lions crew get their drums on stage and positioned in order to make a smoother transition for all parties involved. Then, we’d have to stand back stage and quickly assemble all of our gear back into order so we could load the trailer up. With the exception of San Diego where we got to leave all of our gear in the venue overnight, it wasn’t uncommon for all of us to miss their entire set. The guys were loading the trailer and Dani ran back to merch to make face with possible new fans and “sling” merch. Sweating our asses off and being drained from the set we just played, we were still required to move quickly and get all of our equipment out of the venue ASAP. When As Lions was done playing, our shit needed to be free from the hallways so they could do the exact same thing before Shinedown took the stage. It was always a mad scurry to get this accomplished in the amount of time allotted.

End of the Night Push

I never missed a Shinedown set. I watched them decimate the stage every night. I watched as they taught me what it meant to be a real working musician and be successful at what you do. The second the note of the last song would hit, the band knew they needed to be present either at the merch table or standing with a handful of CD’s out front of the venue. While we know it’s important to sell merchandise to a new market, we also believe in the notion of connecting with the people who will ultimately be our support system. 

Once Shinedown ended their set, it was a chaotic mad dash for everyone to either exit the building or congregate around merch. Some people wanted to purchase merchandise, others wanted a picture, or some wanted both. We got to a point where we had to open multiple CD’s every night before the show to keep the movement of bodies flowing steadily so we didn’t have a slew of individuals trying to open CD’s asking for signatures. Which, let me tell you, is a weird and new feeling to me to have people want to take pictures with me and ask for signatures. It’s a humbling experience and one I’ll never take for granted.

The final body would leave the establishment and our job of packing up merch would take over. Every night involved a count in and a count out of all merchandise brought in to the venue by the band. There we were, three bands, counting merchandise and calculating the amount owed to each place we played and to the promoters involved with the show. Luckily, we had a seasoned vet in Mike Grothe that came along with us on the tour who took care of all of that shit for us. God bless that man!

Once merch was packed up and the venue/promoter were paid, it was time for us to file into the van and make our way to our next destination. We’d either find ourselves driving through the night to get half way/full distance to the next show, or we’d post up at a hotel and wake up early the next morning to drive to where we were playing next and be there no later than 1 o’clock. 

As I stated in the earlier part of this post....I have found myself with very little free time this entire tour. Even now, as I sit at a hotel in Las Vegas, I find myself scouring for the next piece of opportunity for Cold Kingdom to work towards. There is so much for us to take advantage of, it’s just a matter of finding the right way to reach out and take hold of it. I refuse to settle for less than what I feel we’re worth. However, I know that’s going to take nothing but hard work and dedication. This is what I do best. It’s the salesman in me. I’ll always push and always reach for more. This industry can tell me “no” as many times as they want. It’ll be me laughing when I’ve surpassed their expectations of what a successful band should be. 

Thank you to everyone who supported this from the start and who continue to support CK. Thank you to the new-comers who are putting their faith into our brand of rock and roll. Thank you also to the haters; I need your fuel too!