Conquest of Elysium 5 Factions Described Wrong: Second Run!
Since people liked the first one, especially surprising since I thought no one would find it, let's back through every faction and redescribe them "totally accurately!"
Baron: The Mythical "Egalitarian Bourgeoisie" brings chivalry and taxation to a lawless land at swordpoint, but still decides to style on the poors with his golden armor and Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth.
Necromancer: A drunk old man with an excavator and a lot of time on his hands forces his Padawan to go insane for the sake of immortality. Accompanying them is the entirety of the 27 Club, Alexander the Great, Hannibal, and a billion lesser soldiers. They have seen better days, though, let me tell ya.
Demonologist: Moloch demands your firstborn, and will not reward you fairly for them. Bring fire to the non-believers, as well as the believers, and the children, and the animals, and fuck it, burn everything! Asmodeus loves that shit.
Witch: Swamp babe with no chill and few friends occupies her time by using parsnip and other herbal remedies to take over the world with an army of poisonous shrooms, slime cubes, and facestealing Octopusses.
High Priestess: Satanic cult devoted to the god of blood wants more blood and skulls for their new obsession with interior decorating. The Skull Throne can't construct itself, you know, that thing takes valuable time!
Bakemono: Weeb Goblins studied the blade while you were having premarital sex and they're about to make it your problem. Omae wa mou shindeiru. You shall die today/It is inevitable/Make your peace with it.
Barbarian: Jason Momoa hits Puppet Pal Clem with a bonking stick for five hours, followed by rounding up the rest of the Street Fighter cast and bringing his bonking stick to the rest of the planet, too!
Senator: Dumbus Fuckus, first of his name, tries to duck assassination on his way to becoming President for Life of Life. I came, I saw, I kicked so much ass that now the planet wants me to win every election.
Pale One: Rufus, the naked mole rat, has founded a society of dirt daubers that are dedicated to laying waste to the surface world. With a combination of grit, determination, Jonny 2x4 as a Gopher, Rock Magic, and the infinite grace of never seeing the sun because you're playing too much Conquest of Elysium 5, this dream can become a reality.
Druid: Animal Farm, but the bad one with Seth Rogan, and also they're hippies, which would be cool except for the fact that I'm here for Animal Farm and not beatniks with more marijuana than the US has missiles.
Burgmeister: Bilbo Baggins engages in Capitalism, an evil far greater than the One Ring, because he received a sports almanac from the future.
Warlock: A D&D class with the wrong powerset begins collecting the four treasures of the elements because he was really bored and discovered that snorting Agate through a silly straw connects you to the Gods with same day shipping.
Priest King: Kotal Kahn in a wheelchair begins his grand invasion of Europe in a siege that would make Crusader Kings II: Sunset Invasion look like Crusader Kings II: Sunset Mild Disagreement With Your HOA Over The Length of Your Lawn.
Troll King: Big man with a big club (not an innuendo) smashes the world (not an innuendo) to satisfy his mother (NOT AN INNUENDO) and penetrate the enemy's defenses (...an innuendo.)
Enchanter: Michael Rodent summons the broomsticks, as well as a bunch of swords and suits of armor, to help Sora find the Door to Darkness.
High Cultist: Nyarlathotep's in this game, too?! He's fucking everywhere! Uh, anyway, Fish Man discovers a page of the Necronomicon in the ruins of the Titanic and begins a crusade to re-Titanic the entire planet.
Dwarf Queen: Insectoid miners and craftsmen dig just deep enough to discover their inner strength, and decide to Manifest their Destiny by Diggy-Diggy Hole-ing the tall boys.
Voice of El: Jesus Loves Me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so! Well, that's what this part said. In the first half, his Dad wants me dead?! Now you, too, can want everyone dead, with the low-low price of UPENDING THE SEALS TO THE APOCALYPSE AND BRINGING HELL UNTO ELYSIUM WITH ONE FLICK OF THE QUILL! You know, Hot Girl Shit or something.
Illusionist: Mirror, Mirror, on the wall. Who's the Loneliest of them all? Not this guy, apparently, if he can hold a conversation with upwards of five-hundred mirrors.
Markgraf: Simultaneously a Graf named Mark and a cabal of vampiric and dead-raising Hobbits with a chip on their shoulder. In other words, a group of Neck-Romancing Necromancers who are Hairy-Footed Dancers and prance within disaster.
Dryad Queen: Firstly, Would. Secondly, nature lady unites the forces of the animal kingdom and the Fae Wilds to get revenge on Industrialization, over-expansion, capitalism, the barbarism that the meat industry can cause, AI, NFTs, and whatever horrid astroturf campaign made Daniel Tosh popular.
Scourge Lord: Ah, the desert. Count how many sand there is, Omega. Middle-Eastern Edgelords seek to harvest the lifeforce from the universe to secure enough resources to build a skyscraper taller than the Burj Khalifa. Why? To put a drill on that bad bitch and pierce the heavens, just who the hell do you think I am?
Cloud Lord: Wind Men from the Cotton Candy of the Sky Kingdom think breathing air means breathing them, which they find racist. To counteract this, they'll strike your house with more lightning than is found in Venezuela until you stop breathing oxygen, as well as everything else.
Kobold King: Bold lizard men combine their forces with literal dragons to incubate a clone army capable of decimating the Trade Federation as well as securing good Health Coverage and the Unlimited Rice Pudding.
Monkey Maharaja: The primates have converted to Hinduism and they are prepared to go ape on your candy ass if you fail to follow them. Do the monkey with me! Hee, hah, huh! [Other Johnny Bravo Noises.] Pretty mama.
Raksharaja: Evil Hinduist Primates got real fuckin' sick of the whole "cycle of Samsara" BS and decided the best way to field their complaints to the forces of life was to make a pact with the Super Devils to make their own cooler Samsara with blackjack and hookers.
Guildmaster: Mr. Krabs, in a bid to become more powerful than you could possibly imagine, has turned himself human with an ancient artifact and now needs your help to expand his Capitalist empire with casinos, D&D taverns, assassin's guilds, pawn shops, gift shops, speakeasies, and hobby stores.
