#code ginger

You would think sleep would overtake me quick and easy, with everything that had gone down. Yet here I laid, now wide awake, my mind racing. The fallout of tonight's events playing like a skipping disc, just bursts of memories. Drinking and laughing, dancing on the floor. The guys hands on my waist...wandering down...wandering down. I flung the heavy comforter off me, a small part of me wondering if it was the reason I was covered in sweat. Ed had grumbled a little as I eased out of bed. His face buried deeper in his pillow. His pillow. The thought had pulled me to a stop. My hand hovering over my doorknob, trying to think back to when I started lumping our stuff together. When I had started splitting stuff up into my stuff and his stuff. Which, seems innocent enough, but in this moment it seemed like a huge deal. 

I shook my head. I'm making too much out of it. I pushed the door open, the little whiny creak caused him to flop over. I used to hate that creak. When Nate or someone crashed on my couch, they'd wake me up everytime they would come in to use the bathroom. I was so adamant about the door remaining open. Until Ben. A lot of things had changed after that. I can almost draw a line in my life. BB and AB. Before Ben and After Ben. Ben....fucking Ben....

I scooped up the discarded trash and dirty dishes, depositing them in their proper receptacles. I pulled down a pot and began to make tea. Something normal after such a hectic night. Choosing a night time blend over my normal lemon and ginger. I hovered over the steam, breathing in the sweet, flowery scent. I scooped up the cup, and headed out on the fire escape. I let my legs dangle off the edge as I stared off, letting my thoughts run rampant. 

Tonight was a complete and utter shit show. I could shame starting to creep in as the shots wore off. I buried my hands in my face, like that would just wipe it away. It's true, I had been spending most of the night avoiding him. Hearing that he was an abusive stalker was quite a shock. Why hadn't he told me? That's important information to know going into a relationship. I pushed a sigh through my lips. I guess I'm just as guilty about withholding information from him as well. I felt the urge to go in, snag my shoes and go for a walk to clear my head. Deciding against it, I laid back with a huff, staring up at the sky trying to spot what few stars you could see in the city. The little voice in the back of my mind was telling me I jumped in too fast and I wasn't ready for all this yet.

I hadn't realised I fell asleep until I heard Ed's frantic voice above me. I slowly blinked my eyes open, his worried face coming into view. The sky was  streaked gold and pink, casting him in an ethereal glow. I groaned as I sat up, taking his hand to help me up. Every muscle felt stiff as I moved. Ed sat down beside me, his arm coming around my waist. His free hand stroking my hair. I expected him to bombard me with questions, yet he remained silent. Finally I broke the silence. 

"I'm sorry about last night. I should have just asked you about the allegations instead of distancing myself from you and seeing how you reacted. It was childish and if I hadn't been keeping my distance, that guy wouldn't have been able to do what he did."

His concerned expression morphed into one on anger. His brow had pulled down, his hand had froze in place. 

"It doesn't matter what was going on, he never should have done it period. It's not your fault. It's his," He seemed to deflate a little bit, "I'm also sorry. I acted like a child too. I should have told you about those allegations. I just...it wasn't true and I didn't want you thinking I was something I wasn't."

"Hiding it makes it seem like there's more to it than that...but I can't be too mad. I haven't shared everything with you."

"Well, let's fix that. I'll tell you everything. Everything about Allison, the fallout and the reason I'm on this break. I owe you that," He stopped, "No, I owe you more, but that's a start."

"Well, let's make some breakfast and get comfy. We don't need to add uncomfortable due to hunger."

We pitched ideas for a fabulous breakfast spread, both drooling over potential delicacies we could be eating. After 15 minutes of saying you know what sounds good...this...we settled for the high quality, four star meal of toaster strudels, because let's face it. We wanted the food, but neither one of us had the energy to cook said spread.  So we settled into the couch, still giggling over the attempt at stupid doodles that inevitably turned into a giant white puddle.

"Alright, I think I've procrastinated enough now..." He stated as he placed the plate down on the coffee table, "So I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you know next to nothing about me and Allison?"

"Erm...not next to nothing." I wiped the remaining frosting off my face, "I know nothing about Allison and you."

"Okay, then I'll just start from the beginning. Looking back I can see how stupid I was. How young and naive..." He shook his head, "I thought she was perfect, made specifically for me. I couldn't believe my luck. Well...she ended up being too good to be true."

"I know that feeling..." I muttered, then apologised about cutting him off. He waved his hand, taking a sip of water. 

"I met her at the market. She took the last bag of crisps and we ended up chatting a bit before going our separate ways. Ended up running into her a couple days later at my favorite take away place. Made a joke about it being fate and traded numbers so we could plan our next meeting. Took her to an upscale joint and had a typical first date, talked about typical first date things, but she did seem more interested in my touring and  career than my personal life. I didn't think much of it. Most people have questions and I don't mind telling some of my more wilder stories, which she really seemed to enjoy." 

I listened to him, focusing on the way his lips moved, the way his eyes looked. I thought back, about how I had asked about the places he had visited. Places I had dreamt about visiting. He had told me about some of the parties he had went to, but those hadn't really interested me. I never really saw the appeal of giant parties. 

"I just brushed it off as her just living vicariously through me. A lot of people like hearing those types of stories. She'd offhandedly mention how cool it would be to go to one and so, one night I decided to surprise her invited her along. I had expected her to be thrilled, it was all she talked about. Almost to the point of accusing me of being embarrassed of her. Instead, she got angry, saying I had to give her more than a day's notice because she had nothing nice enough to wear. No biggie I thought, so I took her shopping. Let her pick out some clothes, we had plenty of time before we had to be there. We went from store to store, and not to sound like the typical male but, I was getting both bored and frustrated. Every time I'd suggest something she'd get upset and accuse me of rushing her or wanting her to look bad. Finally, she had picked something out that was pretty pricey but at that point I didn't care, I was just ready to leave."

I watched his adam's apple bob as he swallowed.  I could tell he was trying to get his story in order by the expression on his face. I sat in silence, my hand resting on his knee, in what I hoped he saw as comforting. He had just started but I could already tell she was no good. I know you're not supposed to make snap judgements of people but she really was coming off as a spoiled princess. It had me wondering what Ed had seen in her. He didn't strike me as the shallow type so it had to be more than a pretty face. 

"When we finally made it to the party, after she had to go home and put on what she called evening makeup." He gave me a little side eye, the corner of his mouth curling up, "I had asked her what was wrong with the makeup she was wearing because she looked gorgeous." He made a face, "Because Ed," His voice high and mimicky, "This is for day, I need a bolder look for night." He did an imaginary hair flip with a scoff. I couldn't help but chuckle. "Seriously though, I'm glad you're lower maintenance than that. Not that you're a slob, but you have more of an effortless beauty, y'know."

"Hey Ed?"

"Yeah?"

"I get what you're saying, you can stop."

He chuckled, "Right, well, We get there finally and we go our separate ways. Which I was cool with. I don't like feeling like a chaperone. So, the night goes on, a lot of drinks have been poured, a lot of joints passed and she's nowhere to be found. After searching the entire house, I find her out by the pool, in just her skivvies, waving around a bottle of booze. I had called for a ride back home and gather up all her shit and get her in the car, all while she's whinging about wanting to stay and party more. She eventually just passes out, I let her sleep it off on my couch and we continue like nothing's happened. This goes on for a couple months. Rehearsals and sound checks during the day, shows in the evening, partying at night."

"The non stop touring was starting to catch up with me. I was getting tired, I was missing home, missing my family and friends. I still had a whole leg of the tour left and I didn't know how, or even if, I was going to make it through." He paused and a somber look passed over his face, "I should have ended it with her when she first offered me molly, but I was lonely and she seemed to be the one that understood me. 'It'll help you get through, baby. You won't feel as worn down. It'll be fun.' Honestly, it didn't take a lot of persuading on her part." He let out a wry chuckle, "She knew I had an addictive personality. She did her research and she did it well. She knew I'd get hooked easy. She knew I'd get hooked on the feeling, the rush, but slowing it stopped working and I would just be numb. So she switched to coke. Line after line. It was all I could think about for months. She made it where I relied on her. Made it where I needed her."

"Stu tried to intervene, but I blew him off. I blew a lot of people off because of her. I almost lost everything. I gave her whatever she wanted since she supplied what I mistaken as happiness. I bought her so much stuff. A house, car, clothes, shoes, purses. I was stupid. So fucking stupid." 

I squeezed his knee, his hand coming over mine. "I've been through dark times before. Couch hopping, sleeping on bus benches. When I first moved to America, but I made it through. This was worse. I was always angry, I lashed out at everyone. Me and her always seemed to argue and after one huge fight, I told her to go back home to give each other space. I stopped partying, finally came to my senses and officially ended things with her. The withdrawals were awful. The body aches, the trembles, the night sweats. The physical stuff lasted a couple weeks, but the mental stuff..." He trailed off, " I wanted it for months. I wish I could say I kicked it completely but I switched to pain pills, I convinced myself that was better since my whole body hurt." 

"Then the public backlash began. I had managed to stay under the radar the entire time but when she went back home, she began telling the press that I was stalking her. That I was sending her unwanted gifts to try sway her. That when she found out I was an addict I tried to buy her silence but giving a house and car, but she 'Couldn't be bought' and that caused me to become violent. She was raking in even more cash by trashing my name. The tabloids loved it. I went from Music Superstar, to deranged druggie singer. My tour was over and I honestly thought it was the end of the road for good. Of course, like all scandals, it blew over and it was on to the next story."

"I wish I could blame it all on her but it was my choice and I have to live with it. I fell for her act. She pegged me right off the bat and it was my choice to stick with her. She was after me for my money and her fifteen minutes. She broke me. She broke my trust and not to sound dramatic, but she broke my soul."

I just sat in silence, trying to process everything. I didn't know what to say, it was just... a lot. I could just stare at him, his head bowed a little, his gaze directed at the floor. My heart hurt for him. I wrap my arm around his shoulders and pull him toward me. I began stroking his hair and he collapsed into me. 

"When's the last time you..." I trailed off timidly , not entirely sure I wanted to know the answer.

"I had some pills the day we fought and I thought it was over," he said quietly. The remorse dripping from his voice. 

"Ah..."  I had a feeling but I still felt my heart sink down into my stomach.

"I'm sorry...it seems like I just keep hurting you..." His voice cracked. I could tell he was close to tears. 

"I stand by what I said. I'll stay as long as you keep working on the underlying issues, but  I won't put up with you popping pills."

"I'm done with that part of my life. I choose you. I want you in my life. You make it so much better and I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize that."

He pushed himself up and looked at me for the first time since he started talking. I half expected his eyes to be red and puffy because it had sounded like he had been crying. Yet, they were the brightest blue I had yet to see, with a gleam behind them that I hadn't seen. He pressed his lips against my temple. 

"I just don't want you thinking I'm a magic cure, okay?"

"Of course you're not. I know it's going to be a lot of work. All relationships are, but you're worth the work Adi. I know there's gonna be hard times, but it's safe to say that the honeymoon phase is over. I'm willing to do the work and effort, the question is, are you?" 

I am? He just dropped a lot of information on me that I still haven't processed. Just how bad was his usauge? Do I really want to know? I mean, that was the past right and we don't live in the past. I kinda feel like that's naive thinking. Of course it impacts the present and future. I did say I would stand by him but how far am I willing to go? Where's the line? 

"Well...I do have concerns...I don't want to be responsible for your relapse if something would happen between us. That's a lot of pressure."

"It would be my choice if that was to happen. I know saying don't worry about it, isn't going to help. What I can say is, I'm getting to the root of the problem. I'm taking the steps help myself. I know things have went kinda fast and everything and that this break isn't going to last forever...but I just want that one special person that I can spend my life with. That enhances it. That makes my life better."

I just stare at him, causing his expression to turn sheepish. 

"And you think that's me?" I barely whisper 

"I think it could be you, yes."

"Wow..." I breathe. 

"Sorry, too much?" 

"Um...I guess I hadn't realised how much of a romantic you are and how much you thought about the future." I began picking at my nails, an old habit I had never been able to shake.

"You don't?"

"I think about the future, but...I guess I've been career oriented too long...I just been focused on that for so long..." The whole 'lumping our stuff together thoughts' crossed my mind again, "But...I could see us being together for a while..."

His face split into a grin, "We just had the where do you think we are in this relationship talk."

I nodded, "Yep, we did."

Ed blew a burst of air out of his lips, "Well, enough for all this seriousness. Let's go and do something fun."

I arch my eyebrow "You got something in mind?"

He smirked, holding out his hand, "Of course I got something in mind."

"Well, then after you." I said, taking his hand. A smile spreading across my face, pushing my fears to the back of my mind.