#cocoon time

I understand Garden now.

I understand why she needs her own space. Even with her boyfriend, who's wanted to move in with her for awhile now. But even with him, and even with us when we lived back on the route, she'd always need her space. If the door was closed, we didn't bother her. If we had something important to say we might call and leave a voicemail, but that was it.

I remember not totally getting that she didn't want to see us on her birthday. It was like other things that you're told and learn to respect as a child even if you don't understand it. So to this day, I'd again leave a voicemail, but there were never any celebrations that day - on Garden's birthday that was her time, even amidst those she loved the most in the world.

And that was always how she was. She's the most enthusiastic, bubbly, personable ray of joy to everyone, and she loves those she cares about so deeply - it's in her bones. Even when she's annoyed or frustrated or having a hard day, it's just her state of being that she loves. But she needs her own space, that's always how it's been.

Vienna is also that way in that she needs and creates space from other people. But to her, I'm "not people", so it works out. I get that too.

But that's something I've noticed. I've always wanted to be the extroverted one who replies back in reasonable time. And I do need to get better at replying but I don't think that will ever be the case.

As I get older I've found that all my absolute closest relationships still have space. I'll take a day or two to reply to Rose. Dean and I have made it clear that we both can take days or weeks to respond with no pressure. Even Vienna and I have that space - she lets me have my areas. That's part of why the sexuality thing hasn't come up - it's part of my space. She's seen bits of it - she found my rainbow pin and socks and knows I support the LGBT+ community, but doesn't try to step into those areas.

It reminds me of when Sequins kept trying to push for more friendship after everything. Yes I wanted it but it felt off when she tried to do so, because it was like pushing a string. At that point, there was still love there, but I still need that space. After realizing I needed it and adjusting, we've gotten bits back, and I even have gotten more lunch with her and even called her more recently.

I really like having that space. And areas where I can breathe and be myself without anyone seeing. I need to be better at responding when people need to communicate, but I just really really like that space and need to figure out how to healthily balance that.

But it's good to know and accept this about myself so I can stop beating myself up for not being as social as I'd like. I'm so glad to know Garden, who's been able to model that dynamic while maintaining the love. I always thought love meant contact. But that's not the case. Sometimes love is just there and exists. Like working side by side without talking and having that be okay.