#clumsydragon28

Even after all this time of posting my works onto ao3, I am pleasantly surprised at how many firsts I still manage to have. This past year alone I added five more to the list:

To start off, we have The Recovery Diaries. This is the first fic in which I am posting the chapters as I am writing the story. Usually I wait until I have the whole fic completely written before I start to post, but with this series I've decided to take it one poem at a time. Honestly, it has been a very fun and welcome change up. I've enjoyed making every poem be able to stand on it's own to then later on figure out how to make it flow into the next. I don't know how long the series will end up being, nor how far into Inojin's recovery process I will take it, and yet that feeling of unknown doesn't scare me as much as I thought it would. Every time I've finished a chapter, the idea for the next has become so clear that it leaves no doubts in my mind. It's been nice to have a WIP that everyone can come ride along with me as opposed to it remaining a draft in my notebook only I can see. I am excited to see the journey this story takes us on for I have no idea where the final destination will be. I do know, however, that chapter 3 is in the works, so keep your eyes peeled for that in the coming days.

This past year also marks the first time I have gifted original works to friends. We Grow Along was written with the lovely @image13lyub in mind, and @twnj created this gorgeous ShikaTema artwork to go along with it. Creativity for @twnj and Magpie for @notquitejiraiya are two of my favourite pieces I have ever written. I always love to write about writing. I think there is alot to explore about the creative process. Both of these women have helped to fuel my own creative process immensely over the past few years, so I wanted to gift them these poems as a token of my gratitude to them ❤️

The next milestone on my list is my first time writing wlw. It was so nice, I wrote it twice, and both times as gifts for the lovely @unioncolours. Following the Call was such a joy to do because it was my first time trying a contrapuntal poem. The idea of configuring three poems into one is quite daunting, but I really enjoyed the challenge and I am very pleased with the result I came up with. I'm excited to tackle more of those kinds of poems in the future. With The Taste of Snow, I returned to the beloved InoTema, but this time in an alternate universe. Bex always comes up with the most brilliant prompts for me, and they always bring out my best writing. I am really quite proud of my geisha au. Poetry is my strong suit, and I feel I really hit my sweet spot here by incorporating those poetic devices I love into my prose. I hope to one day return to my lovely geisha girls and explore the other seasons with them. Until then, I am excited to keep the InoTema train going as I will be participating in the Femlash Big Bang with them as my muses. I've got big plans for a canon-divergence fic that will be sure to push me out of my comfort zone, but man...I couldn't be more excited for it.

Speaking of gifts, before I continue on, I must give a shout to all of the lovely people who have gifted me things over the past year. I received gorgeous artwork from both @twnj and @backgroundcharacterno5. I had lovely stories written for me by @image13lyub, SpicedGold, @sillysnowden11, @servenna, and @unioncolours. I also received so many lovely and wonderful goodies in the mail from overseas by some of these wonderful ladies listed above! Lastly, you all know I love a quote, and this year the lovely @notquitejiraiya said this about my writing and it is one of the greatest compliments I could ever receive: "One of my many favourite things about your poems Barb is that I hear them so clearly in your voice as I read them."

Thank you all so very very much. I am truly so so blessed to have found such treasures in you all as friends ❤️

The final first from this past year was finally writing about one of my favourite couples in canonverse. Most know that Sai and Ino are very special to me, and in Creating a Legacy I got the chance to return to them. All whimsy and fluff, this was such a joy to write. There is just something about doting father Sai that pulls at every last one of my heart strings. I don't know what it is, but I can't get enough of it. I can't wait to explore that side of him more as I continue working on my dance au.

Now, if you've read my reflections from the past few years, you are probably wondering to yourself "Oh yeah your dance au! Where is it, Barb?! Surely you must have some news for us!"

I am sad to say...it is no where near ready.

As I stated at the end of my year 3 recap, I did indeed go home that night, open a new notebook that I had been saving, and began writing. The first chapter went exactly as I wanted it to. I finished writing the prologue within ten days of posting my reflection, and I was and am still very very pleased with it.

Hopes and vibes were high, and I went into chapter two expecting similar results...and the words just didn't want to come out. I spent hours just staring at my notes and the blank page, and nothing seemed right. I did eventually get words down, only to cross them out, reorder, and rewrite them several times over.

Every month I told myself "this is when I finally finish that chapter!" Now a whole year has passed...and chapter two is still just sat there unfinished and barely started. I have to admit that this frustrates me to no end. How am I unable to write the story that I want more than anything else to write?

I've thought quite alot this past year about why this writer's block has hit so bad and so hard. I know a big part of it is because I have a tendency to overwhelm myself. I have never attempted to write a story this long and intertwined before, and so it becomes quite daunting. Instead of just focusing on the chapter I'm on, my mind starts to wander, and I start worrying about all the rest: How will I connect these two scenes that happen later on? Where should this other scene fall within the story? What if I put something in this chapter here when it is better served being talked about in another? I get so consumed in what I don't know for the future that the present gets left behind and I shut down.

This past year I have also felt a bit sad when it comes to my writing. I never expect anyone to read what I have to write. The majority of what I do is rare pair poetry after all so...not everyone's cup of tea haha. So I am always so pleasantly surprised when people do take their time to read and leave kudos, comments, etc. It fills my heart with a special kind of happiness.

That being said...I've had quite a few "flops" over the past two years or so. I had one fic that for the longest time went with no kudos or comments which now finally has one, but I can't help feeling it's more out of pity than any actual enjoyment. I posted a prose fic with a more popular pairing that did not get much more engagement than my rarepairs. I wrote stories and poems I thought would be appealing to certain others, but went unread by them.

I can't change any of that. Nor would I want it to be changed necessarily.

This is not a cry for people to "please go read my stories" because that is not what I want AT ALL. I want to be very clear that I would never want anyone to read my writing because they felt like they had to. I don't always write what other people want to read, which is absolutely fine. I still write for myself first and foremost, and no matter how upset I get, that will not ever change.

There’s this weird dichotomy when it comes to writing for oneself because it feels a bit selfish to want others to enjoy it too. I don’t write for the engagement, but it hurts when there is none at all. Part of creating is being able to share those creations with others. I know myself, and when I feel like I am being annoying or no one else cares, I clam up. I don’t want to be a bother, but at the same time I want to talk about what makes me happy. I acknowledge that most of these feelings are likely just anxious thoughts getting the better of me, and I try very hard to pay them no mind, but it just...yeah it sucks sometimes.

I think the thing that gets me the most is how proud I am of these stories. I put so much work and finesse into them and am so pleased with the results. There is definitely something to be said about the fact that that pride has not wavered even though they have not been popular with others. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t so excited to finally get the chance to talk with friends and other people about all the little details I fit in and the repetition and the sillyness and the jokes and my favourite lines and and and...and I still haven't gotten the chance.

There is definitely a part of me that fears my dance au will follow that same pattern. If it were, I know that would be the one where it hurts the most. I know it seems silly to say this about a Naruto fanfiction of all things, but Pirouettes & Perseverance is going to be the most important story that I ever write. It has so much of me, my friends, my family, my thoughts, my loves, my hopes, my dreams... When I tell you that I am giving this fic my everything, I mean it. There is not a single part of me nor the life I've lived that hasn't had some hand in shaping this story.

It's because of that I know I have to keep going. No matter how sad or overwhelmed I get, no matter if my brain is trying to trick me into thinking people don’t care, I can't stop now. I promised myself I would never ever give up my pen and paper again, and so I must soldier on.

To which I must say, as I continue to reflect on this past year, that I have definitely been far too hard on myself. Sure chapter two might still be barely sorted out, but dance au has still been continuously worked on. I listen to my playlist for the fic on a constant loop daily. I have written various later scenes and dialogues and notes, adding nearly over 10k words to my already incredibly long outline. I've watched numerous dance movies and documentaries, as well as listened to several dancers’ memoirs, further fueling my knowledge and inspiration for how the story should be told. I even went to the ballet in person which I hadn't done since I was 10 years old.

So yes, dance au might be no where near finished, but it is also no where near dead. Inojin's story is alive and well and will continue to grow until it can do nothing else but burst forth from the pages.

Year one was "excitement". Year two was "thoughtful". Year three was "pride".

Year four I think can be nothing else but "preparation".

I had hoped that come this day I would have dance au ready for you all. As I stated, that is not the case. I don't think it was ever supposed to be the case.

I am a firm believer that everything happens right and when it's supposed to. There's a reason why dance au needed another year of preparation. I don't know what that reason is exactly, but I am not one to argue with fate.

Next year will be number five...and what better way to mark that milestone than with yet another set of firsts in Pirouettes & Perseverance?

This past year I needed to continue my classroom practice lessons.

Tomorrow, I start dress rehearsals.

Over the past year I added seven new works to my ao3 and each one I feel highlights a different part of who I am:

Spice Unites was the piece I wrote for Chocho Week 2024. This was the first time I really dove head first into sharing my love and knowledge of food through fanfiction. It was so fun to explore different cuisines, cultures, and flavours through the eyes of Chocho and Shinki. I love connecting with others through the language of food, so it was wonderful to write about some of my favourite characters doing that, as well.

With A Puppy for your Thoughts I explored my love of writing and gifting to others. I take great inspiration from the authors I read, and so I wanted my birthday fic for the lovely @unioncolours to be an homage to her. Incorporating characters I know she loves as well as the titles of her fics throughout the piece was a joy to write. There are many ideas I am really proud of that I incorporated into this piece, and I look forward to expanding on them in future works.

Then we come to one of the most exciting events of the past year: Shikajin Weekend 2024! I couldn't help it and really pushed myself to go all out to celebrate our bois. I wrote one complete piece for each day and through them explored four different sides of my writing: Silhouettes shows my love of poetry that has no set meter or form; Love Birds shows my love for playing with the way in which words fall on the page visually; our hands belong on our swords shows my love for prose and creating a story through more "traditional" writing means; and Her Boys shows my love for poetry that follows a set rhyme and rhythm.

And then we reach my final work from the past year "Tes yeux sont exactement comme avant." This was a translation of my first fic I ever wrote gifted to me by the lovely @phoenixleaf. Thank you again so very much my friend ♥️

In addition to what you see on ao3, there are some other works that I have written this past year, too. I wrote a scene for my dance au called Blinding that was a contribution to Shikajin Weekend, as well. I also have one fanfiction poem that I hope to publish in the future when its time comes.

I have also been blessed with many gifts over the course of this past year. Both @image13lyub and SpicedGold wrote me lovely gorgeous fics, and I have received so much fan art inspired by my writing from @twnj @backgroundcharacterno5 and @mybutterflykindred. I truly cannot thank you all enough. I am so grateful for you all ♥️

As I mentioned there were some highs and lows, and with that comes alot of firsts.

This past year has been filled with a lot of happy and exciting milestones for me:

I reached 20 user subscribers

I exceeded 18,000 total hits

I received over 200 comments and bookmarks respectively

I had one of my Shikajin fics reach 50 kudos for the first time

I had a second of my Nara family centered fics exceed 100 kudos

I published over 100,000 words

I became a first time beta reader for the lovely @image13lyub

I left my first four part comment (my longest to date) on the "Vienna" chapter of @notquitejiraiya's fic Grandmaster. I think everyone and their mother knows how special that chapter is to me ♥️

That last achievment I think is the most special to me this year. For a very long time I was afraid to leave comments on people's works. And even when I did finally get up the courage to do so, I held myself back at first. Perhaps due to left over feelings from years of bullying when growing up, I was afraid that my reactions would be looked at as annoying. I eventually let go and allowed myself to test ao3's character limit on the daily, but there was a time this past year where I almost held myself back again.

I began to think that there were people out there who see it as an act. That my feelings aren't real but fake. That I am being nice simply to garner attention for myself. To be perceived in such a way really hit me hard (and to be honest it still hurts me now). Because of that, I deeply considered giving up writing again, both in comments and in my own works.

But in the end, I knew that no matter how much it hurts, that it wouldn't be fair to me. I knew I couldn't let those voices win. I made a promise to myself when I picked up that pen 3 years ago that I would never stop writing again. And so, I never will.

Of all the milestones I listed before, I have to say that my comment on Becks' fic is the one I'm most proud of. Because it shows I didn't give up. It proves that I am stronger than the voices that told me no. It’s proof I persevered.

To quote one of my favourite movies: "We do not read and write poetry because it is cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race." Writing is more than just telling a story. It is something I need to do. Writing is what makes me a person. Writing is what makes me alive. Writing is what makes me me.

This was the first year I did not post any new original works onto ao3. I also did not write a birthday fic for myself as I normally do. In addition, there is one fic I posted that has not received a single kudos nor comment. I must admit that I felt a bit sad by these at first; that I had let myself down in some way. But I know that I haven't:

I do not write for fame or popularity; I write what I need when I need it.

My first year of writing I had summed up as "excitement", my second as "thoughtful", and I had left off last June saying that I expected this following year to be more quiet. In a way, you could say that is true: I did not post as much as I have in the past, and nothing new has been added to my ao3 since January. But to me, quiet doesn't feel right.

Quiet would have been if I had quit. Quiet would have been if I let those voices in my head win. Quiet would have been if I didn't now have almost 60k words of outline waiting for me to work my magic on them.

If you read my reflection from last year, or if you have just heard me speak, you know that my dance au is very special to me. It is a story I have been crafting and molding for what feels like forever. It may seem a bit extreme to say, but this story feels like a bit of destiny to me. Everything up until now has been building to this moment.

I had always dreamed that I would be dancing forever, but my body just could not keep up. Giving up dance was one of the hardest choices I ever had to make, and I assumed that void would be empty forever. This story has filled that space. When I work on this fic, I feel the same way I did every time I got up on stage. That love I felt when I was dancing is synonymous with the love I feel when I am writing.

So I guess it's true: when it comes to dance, my dream was never dead; I just had to change it slightly.

To think I almost let the opinions of some take that away from me?

No. Not now. Not ever.

When I get home from work tonight, I will open up a brand new notebook, put my pen to the paper, open up the bag of gummies I’ve been saving for this moment, and begin officially writing Pirouettes & Perseverance. It’s both exciting and a bit terrifying, but I cannot wait to finally bring this story to life.