#cloud connected

Not in the mood give him a good retort I just glanced at him with empty eyes.

Damn it, Kuroo. Just leave me alone.

The smirk vanished from his face in an instant as he saw my completely emotionless face. I couldn’t even force myself to act normal, dammit.

“You okay, [Name]?” he asked.

Hm, no, Kuroo, I’m not okay. And also, I don’t have the nerves right now to deal with your sarcasm and constant teasing. So be a nice cat and leave.

Unfortunately the words didn’t leave my head, or, better said, I wasn’t able to form them. So I just shrugged and tried to avoid his gaze.

I looked outside the train’s window, still facing the cloudy and grey sky. Honestly, I didn’t know what to say to Kuroo. Normally, it was easy for me to give him nice comebacks, but today was simply shit.

Kuroo looked carefully at the girl in front of his eyes. She wasn’t acting how she normally did. Somehow, she was completely off and he kind of didn’t like the lonely expression on her face. She was just staring at the grey sky as if there would be something to change.

“Somehow you look awfully depressed” he stated bowing down to me.

I sighed. Damn this boy. Maybe I shouldn’t have hung around with him so much in school. The someone mentioned earlier it would be Kuroo, I guessed.

“No, I’m not depressed. Just awfully tired” I respond now looking straight into his slightly amber eyes. Pulling myself together, I tried to act normal.

Kuroo knit his eyebrows together and I could see that he wasn’t satisfied with my answer, but he didn't pester me any further. I thanked him for that in my thoughts because I really didn’t want to tell him about my wrecked psyche.

He just sighed. “If you say so. But honestly, I’m a bit hurt that you completely forgot to meet up with me at the train station.”

His tone was slightly teasing and definitely in a fake sulking manner. Nevertheless, he succeeded in making me feel guilty. Oh, shit. He was completely right. Normally, we meet up at the station. For a little while, I was wide awake as I looked around, searching for a certain pudding-haired boy. Kenma wasn’t here. I looked back to Kuroo, who had his signature smirk plastered over his face.

“If you search for your gaming-bro in law –“ I shot a glare at the bedheaded volleyball captain. “ – he caught a cold.”

Kuroo chuckled while I huffed, leaning back in my seat. I wouldn’t have forgiven myself for forgetting Kenma. After all, he was someone who knew the most how I felt around people. Uncomfortable. So I tried really hard to become friends with him after got knowing him from Kuroo.

“Shut up, Kuroo. I’m sorry for forgetting you, but you obviously managed to get on the train by yourself” I answered, feeling the weariness creeping back in my head.

I rubbed my eyes despite knowing it wouldn’t be of any use.

“Now I’m deeply hurt” it came from Kuroo, but the overreacted serious tone in his voice just made me grin a bit.

Damn him. I was still not used to his sarcastic and teasing personality even while spending three years in the same class and in the same row of seats.

“Poor Nyanko-chan” was the only comment I gave, him feeling a bit better the more I spoke to him.

“Yes! You did smile a bit after all!” Kuroo said while still standing in front of me.

Hastily, I turned my face away from him. I always felt embarrassed when he commented on my actions such as when I smile, or any facial expression for that matter. It always made me feel awkward.

“Mhm” was the only thing what came from me.

A woman’s voice announced our stop and I got up from my seat. Already caught up in my thoughts again. I left the train with Kuroo feeling again the chilly air as I automatically I looked up to the sky. Somehow, I wished it would rain. I had this silly hope that the colors and the light would return if the rain washed away all the grey.

“Oi, [Name], you’re spacing out again” Kuroo’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I ran a bit to catch up with him.

“Sorry” I muttered. I felt Kuroo’s piercing glance on my face but I hid it behind my hair while looking at the pavement as if it was the most interesting thing on earth.

It was definitely better than facing Kuroo while he was observing me like that. I mean in my desperate situation I would just interpret too much into his actions and get my hopes up. I knew myself very well. Almost too well.

“Something is really odd with you today” Kuroo stated while looking forward again. “You constantly keep spacing out before staring at this awfully grey sky. Not to mention that you’re totally avoiding my gaze.”

Uh, shit. Here he was again, damn smartass.

“Guess that’s right” I admitted, still staring at the pavement.

“It’s boring when you don’t give me a caustic retort, y’know?” Kuroo complained, obviously trying to bring me out of my shell.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m not in the mood for our sarcastic exchange of words today”

And that was more than true. The only thought which was omnipresent in my head was how to get out of my desperate mind condition. Or maybe I should just wait for its end? That could also be an option. But, honestly, not the best.  It would only be an excuse from running away from my thoughts and problems again. That’s really –

My way of thoughts were interrupted when someone grabbed my hand and pulled me towards them. Distracted, I surfaced from my thoughts only to find myself closer to Kuroo, who was now holding my hand.

“Seriously. When you’re like that you would really manage it to kill yourself without noticing” he sighed.

“Eh?” was my confused reaction.

“There was a lamp post, idiot”

Holy Shit. Did I really not notice a lamp post in front of my eyes? Great. Now I wanted to go home and greet my best friend named bed. That would really be safer than walking through streets.

Kuroo broke out into a short laughter when he saw my facial expression. I guessed it was a mixture between annoyed about myself, my anger about the shitty day and the general resignation I felt. I glared at him for a second, but to be honest: I would also laugh if I were in his position.

“You can stop holding my hand. I’ll be more careful” I heard myself saying while a part of me didn’t want him to let go.

Just knowing that he would protect me made me feel safer and calmer. But I was also afraid of relying on him too much.

“Nope. I refuse. Bear with the fact that I’m holding your hand” Kuroo uttered.

I looked up to him and tried to study his face. I searched for a hint as to why he was doing this. Unfortunately, his hair was covering his eyes and he also looked straight ahead, completely avoiding my gaze. I turned my head away and thought about his behavior.

“I don’t want to regret something” he added quietly.

Eh? Now was my confusion complete.

------------------

The day didn’t get any better. First of all, our English teacher decided to write a quick test and I hadn’t any idea what to write. My concentration was completely off. Second, the girls within my range were pissing me off with their constant gossiping about hot guys (most likely my precious friend Kuroo) and third, the sky decided to stay grey and gloomy without the hope of any rain.

Kuroo spent the whole day around me. Even when he talked to his teammates, he made sure I was in his sight. His observing glance annoyed me. He carefully watched every single move of mine with the patience of a cat. An annoying cat because he didn’t tell me why he actually was doing this.

During lunch break I had enough of his behavior. Not to mention that I still was thinking about our strange conversation before school.

When Kuroo came and sat down at my table next to the window, I gave him a pissed expression. He gave me a questioning look as a response, lifting his eyebrow slightly.

“Why are you doing this, Kuroo?” I asked while still glaring at him.

“Doing what?” came the indifferent counterquestion.

“Staring at me the whole time like I would disappear in the second you don’t look at me!” I hissed with the force of anger in my voice.

Kuroo, still unimpressed, rests his chin in his hand while he gazes directly into my eyes .

“Because you would disappear. Not physically, but mentally of course. And that’s worse enough.”

Okay. He had a point. Not that I would admit that loud, but he was right. Maybe I jumped a bit too fast to conclusions when I thought about that ‘somebody’. However, I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t deny my current situation without Kuroo seeing through my lie right away. But I also didn’t want to admit that and explain everything to him. I never told anybody about my problems, fears and angers. Even if they were my friends.

Kuroo watched her eyes wandering restless from one corner of the classroom to the other, obviously searching for a good excuse.

“You really think we won’t notice it” he pointed out.

Her eyes jumped back to him. Disbelief written in them.

“What?” Did I hear that right? I mean, sure, I wasn’t the best actor but I always thought I was good enough to fool Kenma and Kuroo. At least a bit. Maybe I was being naïve.

Kuroo sighed. He was unexpected serious at the moment.

“I meant, you really think, we – Kenma and me – wouldn’t notice it when you are down. Of course we do.”

I stared at him with wide eyes, unable to respond. My mind was completely blank. Kuroo just continued speaking.

“Yeah, we noticed it after we get known you better. Kenma said I shouldn’t ask you about it when you didn’t want to tell us by yourself. But honestly, we are always worried when you’re like this. I’m always worried. When you are like this, I always have the feeling I’m not longer able to reach you. No matter what I would try. Trust me; I hate it feeling so damn helpless.”

He paused once again still focusing my eyes and carefully observing my reactions. I guessed, at the moment I had a high similarity with a fish. I searched for words. Something I could say as a response at his…yeah…really personal monologue. But I couldn’t think of something. I felt defeated and bad.

“Oh. And I wouldn’t have thought I have to mention this, but Kenma is really good in analyzing people” Kuroo raised his voice once more.

I felt how my last resistance scattered. The walls I carefully build up were destroyed within a few minutes. I lowered my head in the attempt to avoid Kuroo’s look.

“Yeah” I said quietly. “You’re right. It was idiotic of me to think I could fool the two of you.”

I had really been an idiot. And to think I would be able to fool Kenma was greatest idiocy. Yet he saved me from Kuroo’s curiosity for such a long time.

I lifted my head to look at Kuroo. I had the feeling to say something, to explain everything or at least to try to do so but Kuroo stopped me before I could even start.

“You don’t have to tell me what’s up with you if you don’t want. Just let me be near you so that I can protect you.”

Once again he managed it that I felt confused and somehow bad. That wasn’t the Kuroo I knew. He really sounded helpless and desperate. I’ve never thought about how it was for the people around me when I was in my depressing mood. I always thought no one would even notice my mood. I haven’t thought I could hurt someone with my mask.

I shook my head slowly as a response to his statement. At the same moment I saw his hurt expression I recognized that he got it wrong.

“It’s okay! I didn’t mean that as a response to your last sentence!” I said hastily while waving my hands in front of his face.

Kuroo relaxed again and returned to his normal self. I laid my hands back in my lap, feeling a lot calmer than before.

“It’s just…I never told anyone” I uttered quietly.

“What? Or, no, better asked, why?” was Kuroo’s response.

I clenched my hands while avoiding his gaze again.

“I thought I had to solve it myself. I also never had someone I would have trusted enough to tell. I guess it turned out to be a bad habit of mine; not to trust anyone enough to share my fears and angers” I paused for second to think over what I had said.

Now, that I have started to talk about all the things I carefully locked up inside myself, I couldn’t stop anymore. The words came without that I had to search for them. Kuroo didn’t interrupt me and he just listened carefully.

“I was afraid of being weak, of being rejected if I had talked about these unreasonable fears. Just to be told ‘Get a hang of yourself’ or something like that. I was angry with myself because I felt – still feel – so weak in this state” I interrupted myself again while feeling the anger and helplessness bubbling inside.

“You know? I hate the rain as much as I love it. I hate it because rain always means a cloudy and grey sky but at the same time I have the hope that when the rain stops the colors will return in my world. Sounds quite stupid, right?”

A bitter laughter escaped my lips after ending my little monologue. It was true. I hated the rain and at the same time I loved it. Because when it rained I always got the feeling I, myself, could cry. It always was a kind of relief for me watching the raindrops falling.

“Idiot” Kuroos deep voice broke through my thoughts and I felt his long fingers flicking my forehead.

Confused I looked up and met Kuroo’s gaze. And seriously, I was sure my heart skipped a beat – or two – when I looked at him. He had still rested his chin on his hand, his head slightly tilted to the right side and a small, genuine smile on his lips.

I was used to his smirks and grins, to his smug and scheming personality, to his constant teasing and so on. But this side of Kuroo Tetsurou was new for me. Or I have never recognized this side of him. Who knows? I just hopped I haven’t blushed. That would be too embarrassing.

“I can’t say if it’s stupid or not. After all I’ve never experienced what you did. And because of that I won’t judge it. Stupid is just that you’re not trusting anyone. Not even your friends” Kuroo replied still smiling at me.

Yeah. That was my enlightenment for today. Don’t try to fool your friends. Or maybe I should say: Don’t try to fool Nekoma’s brain aka Kenma and Kuroo.

“By the way” Kuroo snapped me out of my thoughts again. “You look cute when blushing.”

There was his signature smirk again followed by a short snigger.

Goddammit! Really now?

“Argh! Shut up!” completely embarrassed I banged my head on my table to hide my – now really hard – blushing face from Kuroo.

Mr. Bedhead just laughed at me and my reaction and I thought about once again why I had a crush on this teasing bastard. Maybe because he always managed it to distract me from my drowning thoughts and makes me laugh.

“Ne, [Name]. Trust me and talk to me instead of brooding over whatever it is alone” he said once again.

Still resting my head on the table, I smiled a bit. “Got it.”

I kept silent for a few seconds before I had built up my courage for saying three little words.

“Thank you, Kuroo.”

It felt a bit like a defeat but at the same time I got the feeling that a huge burden was taken from my shoulders. Just because I finally spoke to someone. (And admitted that it helped me.)

“Nothing to thank me for” Kuroo replied. “So, do you want to stare at the floor for the rest of lunch break and I can have your bento or –“

“Don’t dare to touch my bento, Kuroo!”

The only thing I got in return was a cascade of laughter from the black haired male.

---------------------------------

The rest of the school day passed by without that I was able to remember any details. I couldn’t tell what my Japanese teacher said about stylistic devices or my Math teacher about inverse functions. At least I could tell that they said something about these topics. Banzai! My conversation with Kuroo during lunch break helped a bit but in the end I felt back into my endless way of thoughts.

When the school bell rang and signaled the end of our last lesson (Japanese History), I packed my bag like I was in trance and also headed in the same manner down to entrance hall. My sight was so damn narrowed; it was a wonder itself that I didn’t bump into someone. Or fell down the stairs.

I stopped in front of my locker and took out my sneakers while taking off my slippers. My thoughts circled again around the question if there were a reason why I was so down. One of my main topics when I was in a depressing mood. Next to ‘Is the world really that gloomy and triste or is it my imagination?’ and ‘Why do I feel so sad and exhausted although nothing bad did happen?’ and so on. Sometimes I also brooded over extremely trivial stuff as if was a world changing question.

And here I was again doing exactly this stupid thinking in circles. Annoyed of myself I slammed my locker shut.

I heard steps behind me and felt the presence of person coming closer. I looked up when the person stopped next to me and met Kuroo’s gaze. Somehow I managed it to give him a small smile. He scrutinized me carefully and I sighed.

“Don’t give me that look, Kuroo.”

“I just want to be sure.”

“Yeah~” I admitted defeat. “Don’t you have practice today?”

“Hm? No. Today we agreed on a free day” Kuroo responded, finally looking away from me.

“Looks like the colors can return to your world” he said after a short pause.

I gave him a confused look before following his gaze to the glass front door of Nekoma High. The sky was still grey and heavy but now it was raining. I saw the raindrops dropping on the court yard, the trees and students and I felt relieved.

Finally. Finally, it was raining.

I couldn’t help it but a small genuine, yet somehow painful smile appeared on my lips.

“Ah” I admitted. “I really hope so.”

Kuroo knew this smile. And he hated it. It always tightens his chest in pain. He always thought he could actually feel this unknown pain which she always felt. Once more he thought that he would do anything in order to make this smile and her lonely expression vanish. But he hesitated getting closer to her. To cross the line between ‘simply friends’ and more. Because he wasn’t sure if he was able to reach her in her own world. And even if he reached her, he wasn’t sure if he was able to remain. The only thing he knew was that she always faded away slowly when she was in her depressing mood and that he wanted hold her tight to prevent her of losing herself.

“Kuroo.”

Her voice snapped him out of his way of thoughts and he met her gaze. Her eyes were wide open and her pupils were dilated. Her fixed stare reminded him once again how awfully sharp she could be.

I didn’t know what was going on but Kuroo and spacing out was something really odd. I gained his attention when calling his name. Caught he scratched the back of his head and gave me a lopsided grin.

“Sorry, [Name]. Let’s head home” he said and instantly moved on.

I raised one eyebrow on his strange behavior and followed him outside into the rain. The cold and wet drops hit my head and face and I turned my face towards the sky. The rain was rushing towards the earth. A blurry grey washing away yesterday.

“You will catch a cold like this!” Kuroo shouted from the Nekoma school gate.

Argh. Damn him. Always getting in the way of my thoughts. I caught up with him and gave him a scowl. He smirked.

“I mean, you can keep on standing in the rain and catch a cold if you are trying to join Kenma.”

He really always managed it to get on my nerves! Goddammit!

I growled something unspecific and made him laugh. I really liked it when he laughed so freely. It always made me feel lighter and happy.

“What were you thinking about?” I asked him after a short silence.

“Hm? What do you mean?” he questioned back while looking forwards.

“Back then in the entrance hall” I huffed slightly irritated.

He exhaled a deep breath and looked at me. His raven black hair was dripping with rain yet his locks still stand up in their usual messy manner. I always wondered how it managed that.

“I guess I thought about what a coward I am” he responded slowly.

Wait. The smug scheming captain Kuroo literally called himself a coward? What was wrong with today? Was I still sleeping? Daydreaming?

“Eh? Really? Are you ill, Kuroo?” I asked bluntly.

He snorted for a second. “You’re charming as ever, [Name].”

“Yeah, thanks. But, really?”

“Yes. Would you believe me when I tell you that I’m afraid of confessing to the girl I like?”

I felt myself freeze deep down inside. It wasn’t a secret that Kuroo was popular with the girls and often got confessed. He also dated some of the girls. But he never spoke about confessing to one of them. Or maybe I didn’t notice it because I was too concerned with my troublesome thoughts. Either way it was a kind of painful to hear it from him.

“I can’t really imagine it why you should have trouble with it but if you say so” I uttered while locking up my own feelings carefully in order to think logical.

Kuroo chuckled. “Yeah. You know why?”

I gave him a sidelong glance and raised one eyebrow. “Unfortunately, I don’t have the ability to read minds.”

“Uh. That would be scary” Kuroo shivered but when he saw my annoyed expression he became serious again.

“Okay. Sorry for that. It’s because I’m afraid I would lose her if I confess to her.”

“That…makes no sense” I responded slowly with furrowed brows.

“Right?” he laughed but it sounded forced and was far away from happy. “But that’s how it is. I guess.”

It turned silent again between us. Only the rain was heard falling quietly down. We reached the train station completely wet in the meantime. Not that I would feel it anyway. My thoughts circled around what Kuroo said. I didn’t like the fact that there was obviously a girl who Kuroo was serious about. But I also didn’t like Kuroo’s bothered expression. Maybe I was masochistic because I decided on supporting him to confess to the girl.

But for the protocol: This day was still shit and became even worse.

The train arrived and we entered it both of us remaining silent and concerned with our own thoughts. I thought about the right words for a good support or advice but honestly, that was more difficult than I thought. Halfway of our train ride I gave up and broke the silence between us by just saying what was on my mind.

“You won’t know if you’re not saying anything.”

“Huh?” Kuroo gave me a confused look. “What do you mean?”

“The girl. You said you probably would lose her if you confess to her. And I say you won’t know if you not try it. Maybe the opposite will happen” I specified my words.

Kuroo stared at me and I didn’t really know how to interpret his look. I shifted uncomfortable and tried to avert his gaze once again.

“What?” I asked slightly embarrassed.

“Are you…actually supporting me to confess, [Name]?” Kuroo asked back in disbelief.

“Hm…yes?” I uttered while hiding my eyes behind my hair.

It was still the safest way to get away from Kuroo’s stare. My eyes wandered unconsciously to the with raindrops covered train window. I was nervous like hell because of his incredulous reaction and watching the rain and the grey sky clamed me down.  Not to mention that this whole topic stressed me out. I really had to be masochistic. Otherwise I couldn’t explain myself why I was supporting the boy I liked to confess to another girl.

I felt a hand patting on my head and fingers running through my hair.

“That’s kinda surprising” Kuroo whispered while letting the strands of my hair running through his fingers.

I looked up and met his gaze completely unprepared of seeing the intense warmth in his feline eyes and the small gentle smile on his face. It confused me. Or better said, it messed with my carefully locked up feelings. I felt my heart beating a shitload faster than usual and this time I was sure I definitely blushed like crazy. Embarrassing.

Kuroo looked like he wanted to say something but he was interrupted by the announcement of our stop. Gratefully for the interruption and my opportunity to get away from this embarrassing situation I escaped from him and left the train before him.

I took a deep breath of the cold air outside in the silly attempt to slow down my heartbeat. The cold of the rain which was still pouring down cooled my face and mind a bit down. Holy shit. Feelings were so damn confusing.

“[Name].”

Kuroo’s voice made me turn around to him.

“Don’t run away when I’m going to say something important” he scolded me with a sly smirk.

“I wasn’t running away” I said stubbornly while crossing my arms before my chest.

But, to be fair, of course I was running away. Kuroo snickered at my childish reaction.

“Since you’re supporting me in something what is definitely not your thing – neither Kenmas” – I glared at him. Of course he had to come with this comparison. – “I guess I’ll give it a shot.”

I raised an eyebrow at him since I didn’t get what he was up to. Kuroo just kept on smiling.

“Actually, you could say I already have confessed to her but she’s a lil’ bit dense when it comes up to feelings and all that kind of stuff. Because she’s always looking up to the sky with her thoughts far away in her own world” Kuroo explained while his smile turned into his well-known smirk.

“Eh?” I didn’t get what he meant but somewhere in my head were ringing some bells.

Always looking up to the sky? Lost in thoughts? Bad with feelings?

Kuroo nodded as a confirmation to his own words. “Yeah. You could say she’s sometimes so absent-minded that she doesn’t even recognize objects in her way” he paused while glancing at me.

Wait, wait, wait! Where the hell did that conversation go? With every single word he spoke my heartbeat went faster and I was absolutely sure that disbelief was written all over my face. Not even the rain was able to calm me down so that I would be able to think in a normal way.

“Like lamp posts” Kuroo ended his sentence from before and snickered.

“What?” my voice died and I was staring at him with round eyes and dumbfounded.

It was clear that he was talking about me but I couldn’t believe it. Or should I say: The information took a while to sink in?

“I’m talking about you, idiot” Kuroo gave me small smile. “But, I’m not surprised that you didn’t notice and…it’s okay.”

I got the subtle meaning behind his words. He didn’t expect me to love him back. Or something like that. And yes, I hadn’t any experience with this feeling but in this moment I just knew that I had to say something if I wanted to know him at my side. It was my turn to reach out for the clouds I was always watching. To cross the line between my desperate world and the colorful world and stop running away from my problems, thoughts and feelings.

I made a step towards him and grabbed the sleeve of his uniform.

“Kuroo!” I stopped, didn’t know what to say further.

His feline eyes studied my face with curiosity.

“I’m not leaving you or something like that” he said interpreting my cry wrong.

I shook my head and took a deep breath to calm my heartbeat down.

“No. That’s not it. I know that you wouldn’t leave me. I know that since I met you and we became friends. I just want to say…” I broke up in order to gather enough confidence for what I was going to say.

“It’s right, I didn’t notice. Most likely, because I didn’t want to get my hopes up and because I was afraid. And-“ I was interrupted when Kuroo wrapped his arms around my body and hold me in a tight embrace.

Again I felt the warmth creeping up my face. Goddammit, I hated embarrassing situations. I could never handle them.

“If that’s so than consider yourself as my girlfriend from today on” I heard Kuroo’s deep voice whispering near my ear.

My heart bet faster by his words and I felt how my mood lightens up. Like the first sunrays which broke through the clouds after a rainy day, I felt relief bubbling inside me and a laugh escaped my lips.

“Okay. Okay, scheming captain.”

“Oi!”

Kuroo took a step back, studied my face and smirked at me.

“Aw~ You’re really cute when blushing~”

“Shut up!” I turned my face away from him but I still heard him snicker.

Yeah, he really knew how to get on my nerves.

“Let’s go home. I feel like I fell accidently into a pool” I changed the topic.

Kuroo laughed. “Me too.”

I started walking again and when Kuroo caught up with me, he took my hand again like this morning and intertwined his long fingers with mine. This time I returned the gesture by squeezing his hand slightly.

“Did you think I was talking about another girl?” Kuroo asked suddenly with a curios tone in his voice.

“Should I’ve thought something different?” I asked back stubbornly.

Kuroo snickered. “Why I’m actually asking?”

“I dunno.”

The rain was getting weaker and Kuroo looked up to the sky which was getting brighter slowly.

“At least, the colors are also returning into your world” he said.

I followed his gaze up to the sky before looking at him. When I met his eyes I gave him a wide and happy smile.

“Yeah.”

With all that is given You crossed the line You remember my name Time runs backwards As we're heading that way I've come to realize With every little glimpse you fade I was told that I could fly When least expected, cloud connected Why don't you realize With every little glimpse you fade I was told that I could fly When least expected, cloud connected