#clarinet performance

So like it took to long but i finally can play this part of toccata and fugue while speeding up each sixteenth

This is a blog where I will be uploading videos of myself playing the clarinet. I will be playing technique from the Royal Conservatory book, as well as studies from the clarinet preparatory to grade 4 etude book.

[Shinhwa 1st] 1998 Music Bank - Eric Clarinet.avi

so ive started having to look at colleges and shit. and honestly all i want to do with my life is play the clarinet and make music. I think of the future and playing the clarinet is the only thing i can even see myself being ABLE to do. So obviously i want to go for clarinet performance. but everybody keeps telling me thats to risky. become a teacher instead. do a different field of music. No. I dont want to become at teacher. i dont want to wake up and go to school everyday for the rest of my life. i dont want to wake up and go teach kids like the little shits that sit in my concert band class with me everyday. i cant see myself ever being happy that way. I just want to play.

You see I used to love music. I would practice 2-4 hours a day with no problems. And so I went to unc school of arts for my last two years of high school and I could barely motivate myself to get out of bed but at the same time I loved it. I had a love hate relationship with music. So I left the school after graduation and went to wcu and became a music ed major. The same thing happened but it got worse and worse and I hates every minute of it. I felt so relieved when I decided not to become a music major anymore. Well I discovered that I have bipolar disorder and I have major depressive episodes that can last days to years and I believe that's why I began to hate music and practicing. I couldn't get myself motivates to do it so I thought I just didn't want it but guys I want to become a professional musician so badly it hurts but I'm terrified that the same thing will happen again. My problem is that if I commit then my parents will be paying for about 11000 in clarinets, 400 for a case, plus god knows how much for various things such as reeds, and private lessons for a year. The lessons for the year will cost between 5200 and 2600 for the year. Guys that's almost 20000 and that's not even including school (which I might not have to worry about thanks to a veterans scholarship through my dad). WHAT DO I DO?!?!!!?????

And what I want the most is to make this my best performance. It has to top the recital, it has to top the mock jury, it has to top my Wind Orchestra audition. I want to make this the performance.And I know that I can do it. It's all a matter of concentration and awareness. And I just have to keep my hands light. When my fingers become tense is when things begin to go wrong. Things also go wrong when I begin to doubt myself. So I just have to keep my confidence the whole way through and I'll be fine.

I might try to practice today but if I do it'll be for a few minutes; I'll play scales and choose a few spots in the Concerto to iron out.

I'm only a sophomore in high school, it's the best I can do. /: