#clacton

Residents of Clacton-on-Sea have unveiled ambitious plans to construct a full-scale replica of Mar-a-Lago in a desperate bid to lure their MP, Nigel Farage, back to the constituency for anything other than a fleeting visit for a couple of selfies.

The proposed resort, to be built between the pier and a suspiciously optimistic “luxury apartments coming soon” sign, will feature gold-plated railings, several rooms dedicated exclusively to talking about immigration, and a life-size cardboard Donald Trump that nods approvingly whenever someone mentions “sovereignty.”

Local councillor, Simon Williams, explained the logic behind the project.

“Look, we’ve tried emailing him, phoning him, and even leaving a trail of pint glasses from Parliament all the way to Clacton,” he said. “But the only thing that seems to reliably attract Nigel is the faint possibility of standing within ten metres of Donald Trump.”

“He will literally travel thousands of miles for something like that. So we think this might get him to travel up the A12 with a bit more regularity.”

Under the proposal, Trump’s luxury suite will be converted into what experts believe Farage has previously only encountered in textbooks: a constituency surgery.

“If he thinks Trump might pop by for five minutes, Nigel could easily spend an entire afternoon here,” Williams continued, “And while he’s waiting, we can trap him in a room with residents complaining about potholes, buses, housing, and the fact their MP is usually somewhere over the Atlantic.”

To maintain authenticity, the building will include a “Very Important American Friend Corridor” where Farage can pace nervously while refreshing his phone for confirmation that Trump definitely, definitely wants to see him.

Local resident, Derek Matthews, welcomed the initiative.

“We’re not asking for much,” he said. “Just the occasional sighting of the bloke we elected to represent us.”

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