#cjchats

Hand in my hair, on my waist, on my thigh.

Lips pressed to closed eyelids, cheeks and forehead.

Forehead pressed into the crook of their neck.

Legs tangled together, foreheads pressed together, sharing breath.

Hands cupping my cheeks, thumbs smoothing over the fragile skin under my eyes.

I want a splayed hand pressed gently to my stomach, pinky slipped beneath my waist band with no other motive than to touch me.

I want their eyelashes to brush my cheeks, their lips to touch mine when we talk, our noses pressed together.

I want waking up with their weight on my shoulder, with my face pressed into their chest, with our bodies aligned.

I want their cold feet to be warmed on my legs, their fingers threaded in mine, our pupils blown when we look at each other.

I want to love softly.

I am not suited to the type of therapy my workplace provides.

The therapist sent me links for therapists I cannot afford and I I think fuck. And add another thing to my list that exists only to taunt me on my failings.

I need to call the doctor the dentist the chiropodist the hairdresser the therapist the cleaners the mortgage provider the house insurance and car insurance. I need to clean the kitchen bathroom living room hallway the floors and do the dusting. I need to wash the bedding and the towels the darks lights colours and delicates. I need to wash the dishes and cook the food and buy the groceries and plan the meals. I need to brush the dog and walk the dong and feed him and take him to the vets and make sure he’s happy.

I need to not kill myself today.

Its warm orange glow is soft and blankets it’s surrounding.

The led is stark it simply is a light, it has no personality no feeling emotionless and cold.

The orange fuzz is nostalgia and home, its late summer evenings and early winter ones its waking up at 6am to do your paper round in the dark. It’s riding your bike after dinner and hanging out safe under its gentle gaze.

It makes me desperately sad to have this lamppost outside my bedroom window but I am glad of it. I am desperately sad because if it were not there perhaps I would not have the nostalgia the memories flickering behind my eyes. Also because it is a reminder of how warmth and passion and colour and personality is so often pushed aside in favour of practicality and efficiency. Cost saving. Budget cuts and new inventions which save energy and cost us more than we can comprehend. Capitalism has driven us into the harshly lit grey world made with sharp boring repetition and no love. LED headlights blind people to the point that people avoid driving in the dark not for any reason other than they are scared to come up against these led headlights and be blinded over and over again in the dead of night. The floodlights strapped to vehicles unnecessarily and dangerously hiding behind improved night vision when in reality it punishes those who come across them from the other side.

The orange lamppost is my nighttime guardian. She watches me sleep as she watches over me on my bike, walking home from the park, delivering papers.

And nothing works to put me to sleep other than being semi tipsy so I did a couple shots? (I rarely drink which is probs why this trick works on the odd occasion I use it)

Works perfectly I knock out at 10:30pm. (Usually I’m not asleep until at least 1-2am, sometimes even later)

Only problem is I woke up at 2.30am.

So I slept for 6hours and my body just went “nah I’m done sleeping wake tf up”

So here I am at 7am having been awake for the past four and a half hours.

Did not solve my being tired problem at all.

Here’s hoping the early wake up resets my sleep schedule and I can go to sleep early tonight and actually sleep through till my mfing alarm tomorrow.

I can’t do it today because my parents are on holiday and no one would notice until Sunday.

I can’t do it because my dog would go five days without a walk.

I can’t do it because my house is a mess and if I’m putting the burden of my death on my parents I don’t want to put my messy house on them too.

I can’t do it because I haven’t visited my granny recently and I haven’t emailed her.

I can’t do it because my sister is on tour and she’d probably feel like she had to come home and she has a holiday booked to Morocco which she’d probably cancel.

But I just want it to be over and I hate who I am and and what I do and where I live and my friends never reach out first and I’m so goddamn tired of the world falling apart and everyone tries to make you feel bad for not making the world a better place and how am I supposed to do that when everyday I wake up wishing I hadn’t.

So there’s the obvious; long hot showers where the water pounds against your skin and fills the bathroom with steam and, of course, soaking in a deep bath with a bath bomb or bath salts swirled into the water luxuriously.

But I also love paddling in the sea, grousers rolled up and barefoot on the wet sand with the salty air tangling my hair into knots, or kayaking on a river, the cool current gently guiding the boat and the drips flying off the ends of the paddle, the invigorating feeling of pushing through the water and trailing your hands in it, or swimming in a lake the vast inky blackness when the bottom disappears and you can just float peacefully completely undisturbed the ripples buffeting at your sides.

And the rain? I love the rain the relentless downpour smattering raindrops across your skin like freckles, big fat blobs of cool water sliding down you face and drenching your hair, even better if it’s a rain storm, lying flat on your back in the down pour with the glorious thunder overhead and lightning sparking through the blackened clouds. It’s a magnificent sight and it’s electrifying in more ways than one.

I keep reading the news because how can you not? And everything that is happening at the moment and for the past few years I don’t think there’s much of a future to look forward to.

So am I depressed because of the poor weather and dark evenings and lack of social life or am I crashing because I’m so burnout my body can’t fathom carrying on after work? I live alone and self motivating to get dressed, eat and clean is hard enough, never mind to plan things to do outside of work, to invite and coordinate friends to activities, especially when it’s not reciprocal.