I recently watched some video where someone was acting out skits on how autistic people feel like neurotypical people are talking in code, and one example was the NT person asking the autistic person to check if the dishwasher was done and then getting annoyed when the autistic person checked but didn't empty the dishwasher. This got me thinking about emotional labor and domestic division of duties.
[caveat because people got mad at me about the small talk post: this is an autistic person talking about how I (and potentially other autistic people) can maybe be more supportive of our spouses, domestic partners, or other people we live with, not about shaming autistic people or saying that we just need to be less autistic]
Over the last decade or so, I've seen a lot of people (mostly though not exclusively women) talking about emotional labor and invisible labor in the household, and one thing that pops up a lot is when men say I would just know what she wants if she would give me a list or how am I suppose to know what's needed? people very rightfully point out that they are both members of the same domestic space and relationship and that women don't have some superpower that makes it so they magically know what needs to happen.
And that brings me back to the skit and the dishwasher.
Something sort of inherent in that skit is that idea that the NT person is being unreasonable for expecting their autistic partner to divine that the dishwasher needed to be emptied and that the autistic partner should be emptying the dishwasher, and that the NT partner couldn't reasonably expect that because they hadn't asked the autistic person to empty the dishwasher, only to check if it was done. The NT person was "speaking in code" for asking for one thing and expecting another.
Built into that is the baseline idea that the accountability for the dishwasher becoming empty lies on the NT person, either by doing it themselves or by directly asking the autistic person to do it, every single time.
Which sounds a whole lot like the mental load expected of female partners in many M/F relationships.
Now obviously there are differences between having a disability that can impact things like executive functioning and the ability to do household tasks and simply being male, but I think it's reasonable to think through whether and how autistic people can work within their household (if they live with someone else) to mitigate some of this mental load on the other people living there.
Why is the NT partner accountable for the dishwasher being emptied (or any other equivalent household task)? If the autistic person knows that clean dishes need to go into the cabinet/drawer, why is it the responsibility of their NT partner to explicitly ask them to empty the dishwasher?
I think that there may be a few ways to mitigate against this mental load being placed primarily or exclusively on an NT/allistic partner in a shared household (obvious disclaimer, not all autistic people are the same, what works for one might not work for another, etc.):
Clearly establish and delineate responsibilities for household chores (e.g., NT partner fills dishwasher, autistic partner empties dishwasher) to avoid requiring the NT partner to always have to ask
Map out process flows and if/then statements that can be applied consistently for household tasks (e.g., IF dishwasher is finished, THEN check if it is cool enough to touch, IF dishes are cool enough to touch, THEN person who checked dishwasher empties it; IF washing machine is finished, THEN closest person not actively doing a different task moves clothes to the dryer)
Identify which tasks can be done without prompting and which tasks require prompting. In my parents' house, for example, dishes are done immediately following dinner. When I was growing up, if all four of us were there, the parent who wasn't the primary cook cleaned, as well as either me or my sibling, depending on the day (I had even days, my brother had odd days, because he was older and there are slightly more odd days). This didn't require prompting because it was preset rules and we were doing it together. However, laundry and tidying up didn't have the same preset structure, so they would require prompting
Confirm requests if you're not sure. If someone asks if you can look at or check on something, you can ask or confirm what they want you to do once you've done that. Do they want you to tell them the answer, grab the thing for you (if it's small), or take an action with it? This doesn't eliminate the initial mental load on the partner but can minimize the frustration and later back-and-forth
Work on identifying what household tasks exist. Is your NT partner getting annoyed that you didn't do a task that you weren't tracking needed to be done (e.g., they said "go check on the plants" and then got annoyed you didn't water them)? Write that task down or otherwise add it to your list of household tasks that exist, so next time it comes up, you know that it is a task that needs to happen and can, for example, ask as a follow up "do you want me to water them if they look dry?"
I live alone, but I think a lot about the ways in which I would be an increased mental load on any partner that I lived with, because I struggle a lot with keeping up with household tasks (especially cleaning). And we are absolutely allowed to be a burden on others. We are allowed to require help from others. We are allowed to be in relationships with unequal distributions of labor because of our disability.
But when possible I also want to be able to mitigate against that and reduce that mental load.
