But I would really love for more people to say “nonbinary people are nonbinary” the same way they say “trans men are men, trans women are women.”

Yes, nonbinary people are “valid.” We are “who we say we are.” But... why say that when you could just say we're nonbinary? You're saying trans men are men and trans women are women, which is true. Why change the message for us? We are just as nonbinary as trans binary people are the binary gender they are. You don't need to go on a roundabout to acknowledge and support us specifically.

And if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable when you say “nonbinary people are nonbinary,” that's okay, we all have biases to deconstruct. But please, please put some work into deconstructing that discomfort if you can.

But it is quite disconcerting to have been talking about these things so much as a nonbinary trans person, and have cis people repeatedly ignore or be openly, sometimes violently, hostile to me and my people, and then see cis people re-sharing the same info and be premoted and accepted by many of the same people who are so hesitant to accept that info from actual trans people.

Absolutely don’t stop trying to share and educate your fellow cis people! But do be watchful of how the other cis people you’re educating are sometimes much more willing to take the info from you simply because you aren’t “one of those weird, extreme” trans folks, because you are like them and you provide a middle ground to what they view as the extremity of trans activism and existence.

Definitely, always defer to trans people who are willing and knowledgeable in the issue you’re talking about. Make sure you’re getting your info from trans sources, make sure you’re encouraging other cis people to do the same.

Things to keep in mind when creating/writing for trans(fem) characters:

The best advice I can give anyone looking to write for a minority they don’t belong to is always consult sensitivity readers at every level of development to ensure your representation is sound conceptually and in execution. And don’t consult just one, ask people of various intersecting identities to review your work.

A good rule of thumb for cis writers is that it’s great to write stories about trans characters, but don’t attempt to write a story about being trans (a story where the focus is on what it’s like to live as a trans person). You as a cis person don’t have the perspective required to tell such stories, so don’t make being trans their defining character trait.

A character being trans doesn’t necessarily have to have a direct effect on the story. Despite what transphobes will tell you, you don’t need a “reason” to make your character trans. If the trans character’s gender never comes up in the story in any substantial way, that’s totally fine because part of what makes for good overall representation is diversity — some stories will focus on what it’s like to be trans, some stories will touch on how being trans can affect a person’s daily life, and some stories will just be there to provide trans kids with a role model to look up to and the reassurance that trans people can be and look like anything. Ask yourself what kind of story you want to tell and what resources are available to you. If your story features some amount of social commentary about cissexism or the trans experience, can you ensure it will be thoroughly scrutinized by sensitivity readers?

The best ways to avoid letting a character fall into any stereotypes are by A) learning what caricatures look like and why they’re harmful (here’s a post I made about that), B) having multiple characters who represent the same identity but who have different experiences, and C) not letting minority characters become sidelined and tokenized by a more “palatable” protagonist. If you want to tell a story about a trans woman who grapples with anger management issues, for example, there are a few things you have to keep in mind when doing so: not equating anger with masculinity (which is harder than it sounds), not making her your only example of a transfem character, and not letting this character flaw become an intrinsic/the defining aspect of her character. Afford trans characters the same thought, depth, and complexity you would a cis character while still being aware of the negative cultural attitudes and ideas you could accidentally end up reflecting.

I’m sure there are more things I could add to this list, but I can’t think of any at the moment. I’ll be sure to update it, but hopefully you’ll find it useful for now.

Sorry about the late response.

Using they/them pronouns for a trans woman who only uses she/her, or otherwise implying that trans women are genderless/third-gendered/“in-between”

Jokes about male femininity (and sometimes female masculinity). Yes, this includes jokes about drag queens, tr*ps, men pretending to be women, men wearing women’s clothes, people who appear to be women having deep voices, people who have “ambiguous features” (e.g. breasts and a beard), and boys being forced to wear dresses (yes, including in children’s media)

Jokes which make light of TERFs, “autog*nephilia,” or anything related to the violent oppression and pathologization of trans women (even if you’re directing these jokes at us, the pain is not yours to laugh at)

The whole discussion surrounding “genital preferences”

Labeling instances of transmisogyny as transmisia/transphobia, especially when saying, “There’s no way [transmisogynistic thing] could be transmisic because [TME trans person] said so!” (In other words, don’t get all your information about trans issues from TMEs. Seek out and boost our voices)

Calling a trans woman dude, bro, guy, or other gendered terms which may be used neutrally in some cases, but can be dysphoria-inducing for us

Tone-policing trans women, especially when we’re talking about transmisogyny, by calling us aggressive/violent/antagonistic/etc.

Downplaying transmisogyny by saying or implying that we’re “making up problems” or “labeling things as transmisogynistic purely because we don’t like them”

Rushing to defend the actions of a celebrity or public figure who was called out for transmisogyny; it’s not your place to forgive them for the ways they’ve hurt transfems

Additionally, telling transfems “they’ve apologized” when we express discomfort towards public figures who were called out for transmisogyny; we’re not obligated to like or forgive them, even if they have apologized

Implicitly body-shaming trans women by body-shaming men (seriously, don’t body-shame anyone)

Calling TERFs “misandrists” or implying that their hatred of trans women derives from a hatred of men

Focusing all discussions of TERFism on the ways which they also hurt cis women (you don’t need to justify your hatred of TERFs because they also do this or that — transmisogyny is reason enough)

Making positivity for trans women about “pissing off TERFs”

Using the term “AFAB” as a way of being faux-inclusive

(Part 2) I think that’s similar to wanting to date someone that’s in the process of coming out of the closet - you want to help them through that process. Do you think seeking out trans people for that reason is fetishization or even transphobia? What about wanting to become friends and not for dating? Then is it just about wanting to be a safe space for them? (Assuming it’s someone you would otherwise be friends with/want to date, not just any trans person.)

Part 3) I’m a cis bisexual girl. Sometimes I feel more attracted to women then men because of the sense of community - same with trans people, the sense that we’re in the same LGBT+ community. So it’s not them being trans that is attractive exactly, it’s that they’re part of a community that I identify with. And I know what struggles they possibly went through/are going through so I feel like I’m in better place than others might to be there for them. Thoughts? I’m just trying to learn more :) 

Obviously, again, a big disclaimer goes here that I’m cis and not an expert on this. So, I’ll do my best to talk about what I *think* is the right way of approaching this, but if any trans people disagree with me, you should listen to them!

I can see where you’re coming from, but I don’t think it’s a good basis for a relationship. I do think that if you’re gonna date a trans person, you should be of the mindset that you want to support them in dealing with all the shit they face for being trans: that’s pretty basic, you shouldn’t date anyone if you don’t plan to support them through hard things, especially when those hard things are about marginalisation.

But deciding to date someone just in order to support them? That’s not an equal relationship. It sets up the possibility of a huge power imbalance, where you’re painted as the Protector and they’re dependent on you. But more importantly, it’s kind of insulting! You want people to date you because they like you, they enjoy being with you, they find you interesting or exciting or whatever; not because they want to save you.

Now, I don’t think you were trying to suggest that you’d date someone you were otherwise completely uninterested in, just to help them survive transphobia. But even if you’re restricting your potential dating pool to “people I like + people I can support with transphobia”, that’s still kind of reductive. You’re predetermining that you, as their partner, will have a role in their life that they haven’t agreed to. You’re also forgetting that different people experience transphobia differently, and the kind of support you’re able and willing to give may not always be needed or wanted.

I also wonder what you (hypothetical you) would be getting out of this. It’s absolutely fulfilling to help people, especially people you care about! But romantic relationships are also about a more selfish kind of fulfilment, you’re looking for things the other person can bring to your life. “I can help them” isn’t something they’re bringing to your life; so it’s worth asking what *does* fill that gap.

I do think there’s a lot of value in maintaining a friendship with someone in order to support them, with any kind of coming out or dealing with discrimination. Friendships can be very focused around one kind of interaction/way of relating without that being a problem, and there’s a long history of older queers/LGBT folks mentoring younger ones. Of course, usually that kind of mentoring happens with someone who shares your specific marginalised characteristic: but if a cis person and a trans person have that kind of a friendship, which specifically addresses transphobia, and both people are happy and healthy in that friendship, then I’m not gonna tell anyone off!

I also definitely think it’s worth explicitly aiming to be a safe person to socialise with for trans people. This is especially true in group settings, where we need to be the ones knocking misgendering, transphobic jokes, casual cissexism etc. on the head, and also making sure we don’t participate in any of that, and that we apologise and correct ourselves if we do, even if we’re not aware of anyone in the group being trans. There’s probably a good chance that that kind of successful allyship will lead to friendships, which is fabulous - although that said, you can’t force a friendship, and sometimes it’s just as important to be a good ally to someone with whom you can’t actually hold a comfortable conversation without lapsing into awkward silences.

If you know that someone is lonely, or being excluded, (and is also trans), then that would also be a good reason to actively reach out and try to become friends (as long as you can recognise and accept a soft no).

But seeking to become friends with random trans people, without having any particular reason to believe that they are short on supportive friends, just because they’re trans so you’ve assumed they need support, is getting back on the dodgy side. Much like what I said above about romantic relationships, if you do this you’re making assumptions about their life on the basis of them being trans, and you’re also trying to slot yourself into a role in their life that they might not want you in, that might already be more than adqeuately filled, or that they might not want or need anyone in.

I do want to reiterate that all this is about patterns, about actively seeking relationships (platonic or otherwise) with trans people in general. If there is a specific person in your life, who you care about, and the two of you have agreed that these risks and dangers don’t apply, that’s completely different.

The community thing, on the other hand, I totally understand. I also am much more interested in women than men, and much more interested in queer/LGBT people than in Straight* people: by that token I’ll probably always be more interested in dating trans women (and trans men if I meet one I really like) than cis, straight guys. I think that’s 100% fine.

The difference, I think, between seeking people who share a community with you, and seeking people who you can support through discrimination because of their community membership, is that the former is equal - the common experiences, solidarity and understanding flow both ways - whereas being someone’s white knight is very one way.

Just to reiterate: I am extremely open to criticism and disagreement from anyone who’s trans. If you don’t want your name on your criticism, send it to me on anon, and I will post it, so long as it’s respectful of trans people.

We need to use our privilege to make the world a safe space for trans people. Trans folks have an average life span of 25-30 years old and that’s 100% because of transphobia and cissexism. Trans people are mentally, emotionally, and physically assaulted everyday for simply being there genuine selves. I don’t wanna live in a world where people are punished for being themselves.