Getting harassed by annoying creepers?
Lonely and alone during the holidays?
Look me up all you beautiful humans because I will totally be your pretend boyfriend and meet your family and shit.
I will (for the small price of just being a decent fucking humanoid being):
Buy you dinner or make it if you have dietary restrictions
Treat you like the beautiful being you are
Rub your shoulders or feet if you’re sore
Brush your hair and even color it without making it turn all crispy
Carry you around like a backpack
Talk about you like you’re my fucking world
Treat your family with respect
Care and comfort you whenever you need it and even times when you think you don’t
Promise that all my hugs feel like a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer
Maybe take you flying sometime
Bring you cute small animals for you to love and cherish
Treat you like a human being and not a trophy or something beautiful just to be carried around for bragging rights.
So yeah. Look me up. My book is totally open for any and all appointments or carrying off into the sunset.