I have said so much already though. spoken of it enough for a while it seems. words have escaped me.

it's September. autumn is a season I feel made for. I am breathing easier on a cellular level. my bones are carrying less weight. I keep telling myself

So I've been given this amazing opportunity to go on tour with my friend's band down the east coast and back. In less than a month, for a little over 3 weeks. I've been trying to be really responsible about it. I'm scraping by these days financially, which has been leading to a lot of stress and has been emotionally sapping. My partners have been so kind and helpful around this, though, I'm so proud and blessed to call them my partners. 

In trying to be reasonable and responsible, I have talked through exactly  what this will mean to both my 'bosses'. The persyn that I work for most of the time has had very little work for me because we do heavy, manual labor work outside, and the weather has been bitter. We've been made soft by last year's barely-winter season. We worked outside in t-shirts most weeks. Now I wear 2 long-sleeve shirt and start with 2 jackets in the morning. And I work hard. This persyn knows that I stuck with her in 2012, a year that continually dealt her shit hand after shit hand. She was so strong and bad-ass and picked herself up so many times that I couldn't walk out on her now and feel good about cutting out on being a witness to all of that. It's so safe and solid to know that she sees and appreciates that. My contributions mean more than the labor-hours I put in. That's so validating. She's sending me off with her blessings.

The other persyn I work 'for' was put a bit on edge by this. I've done so much work into our projects, and she knows it. But time moves differently for the home-bound and she has an insatiable appetite for creative projects. The physical manifestations of these projects, though, have lifespans whose lengths are dictated by the amount of energy she is able to put into them. This results in a bunch of half-finished projects that have been put on the back-burner - and let me tell you honestly, I have so many pots piled up back there that it looks like a Miyazaki kitchen. To make this trip work for both of us, we're making (or rather - I'm asking that we make) lists of what we can accomplish before I leave. To that end, I spent the bulk of my day polishing off a big old soup pot that has been hanging out back there for way, way too long. Expectation management is a weird task. I feel sometimes like it's not in line with my politics - as if somehow asserting my needs as well as hers is supporting a scarcity-based system, as if I am the only one qualified to bring her dreams about. It's a complicated ball of feels that twists around in side of me when I'm hired to bring someone's dream project to life. I start to feel guilty for assuming that I'm qualified to help midwife their brain child's birth. It leaves a weird taste in my mouth, but perhaps that's the taste of self-shaming and -doubt that I'm not enjoying. I'm not so sure any more. But I am working on it. I'll send word. Give me time.

In the mean-time I'm making lists. Things I'll need to stay present and safe and solid on this trip. Things I'll need to be prepared. Things that I'll need to make self-care possible. Ways to pay the bills while I'm away. <a href="http://kaleicious.tumblr.com/">kaleicious</a> dropped me some lovely hawthorne leaves / flowers and astragalus root for teas. Ufffff, such a sweetie. 

Mk. So that's a lot. Maybe the longest post I've put up.