Not sure how many of you read my more personal posts or my self-loathing thoughts in the tags when I reblog certain posts.
But... the older I get, the worse it becomes. (My self-hatred, especially regarding my looks.)
It affects my self-shipping as well.
Part of me thinks that there's a chance that Swing (or Lilia) would fall in love with me, simply because of my understanding, compassionate, and caring nature. Because I wouldn't judge or lecture him, wouldn't expect him to follow human morals and nonsensical societal rules, etc. I would accept and love him for who he is. Wholeheartedly and unconditionally.
But then, the voice comes. The one that whispers, "He wouldn't spare you a glance. Who would desire such a disgusting woman? Can you even call yourself that? Looking like a stupid high school girl at 35, flat in the front, flat in the back, thin as a stick, no curves, nothing for a man to grab. With your oversized, discoloured, crooked teeth and overbite, with your stupid laugh lines, with your desert-dry skin and chipped lips. With that big, bony, ugly ass nose. And that annoying, childish, high-pitched voice. Who'd want to listen to it on a daily basis?"
It also tells me that I'm most probably too boring for him.
So, if I confessed to him, instead of this:
Let me tell you, I'd throw myself off the Spiral Hill right away.