#chronic tics

TL;DR I just got done with a massive tic-attack and my neck hurts so I’m frustrated and needed to write rant about it.

Sometimes I just KNOW I’m gonna tic, I can feel it in my bones. It’s like a sneeze I can’t stop.

But eventually my head/neck/jaw gets sore from the neck jerking, the clicking, the sounds, the tension in my jaw. It’s exhausting.

A lot of the times it’s funny when I tic; it’ll happen at convenient times and add some comedic spice to a conversation. Most of the time my tics don’t bother me or cause a whole lot of distress, but sometimes I kinda wish I didn’t have them. Because while they don’t usually cause issues this isn’t always the case.

Like, for example: the tensing and the aching just isn’t worth it. Bonus points if I’ve been having some ocular tics and the muscles around my eyes feel like they’re splitting at the seams. It causes major headaches that ibuprofen just doesn’t fucking help with.

I take medicine when I wake up for it but once the meds wears off it’s a tic-attack nightmare. It’s painful to have tic after tic one right after the other for minutes at a time. And it always feels like they last so much longer than the usual one or two in a row tics. I can feel on the right side of my neck (where some of the motor tics are strongest) where it’s always tight and tense even when I’m relaxed.

I remember the first time I mentioned it to my doctor. I literally printed her off a sheet I had written with dates and times and descriptions of what exactly happened during the tics and she said it was probably just a case of intermittent tics that would go away once I got a little older. She was wrong [which is OK, I got the correct diagnosis after a second or third check-up], and it’s my fault for putting so much weight on her theory. I have to admit I was really hoping there for a while they would go away with time.

I try to be pretty open minded about the tics; since I know I don’t have tics that are as bad as other peoples’ and a lot of the time when they happen when with with my friends they can be hilarious, but holy shit if my neck would just chill the hell out that would be pretty spectacular.

I don’t see my new doctor until Wednesday but I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know how to make my brain feel better so it stops hurting me.

I don’t know what wrong with me. I’m so confused, and terrified, I can’t see half the time, I don’t think it’s safe for me to drive anymore. Whatever is wrong with me is genuinely ruining my life. I can’t barely even eat because I can’t stop moving to get food in my mouth, and the nerves in my stomach keep going off and making me vomit.

Every-time I’ve tried to speak today I can’t even finish a sentence before I lose my train of thought. I just want it to stop. I just wanna fucking normal! What did I do to deserve any of this?!? Why am I being punished, all I’ve ever wanted is for everyone to be happy!