#chrishelm

Subsequent meetings only left him more and more interested. She didn’t want him, that much was obvious, but at the same time, he could see how much she craved the attention, not his attention specifically but any sort of attention. Her whole face and her demeanour changed when he called her brainy and Chris wasn’t sure whether to tick that down to score one for the home team or whether to be pissed at the guy who was obviously not giving her the attention she really wanted. He could tell from the get go that she had a boyfriend; girls who came to him for a good time who had boyfriends on the side they wanted to make jealous had that air about them, and it was unmistakable on Eva, except that Eva obviously wasn’t looking for a good time and she didn’t want him, which really left him in no better place than where he started. She definitely wanted something though, he could see that, but it wasn’t something he could give her, that much was obvious.

Whatever it was, the guy who made her feel this way obviously didn’t deserve her at all.

Speaking of deserved, somewhere along the way he’d made hooking up with Iben a regular thing. She kept using the words dating and boyfriend and somehow he just didn’t feel the need to correct her. She was pretty and she was nice and she would have made anyone an agreeable girlfriend. He probably didn’t deserve her either but she wanted him even outside of sex and it was nice to be wanted by someone other than William once in a while.

But then Eva kissed him and he kissed her back. Even more than that, he wanted her. In that moment at least, until she pulled away and Iben walked in and Chris kind of wished the ground would suddenly open up and swallow him whole.

It was awkward and unfair to Iben and he felt guilty about it and in his usual self-destructive mode, he reacted by making out with another girl at the very same party. But that’s what everyone expected from him anyway right? Penetrator Chris. Fuckboy Chris. The guy who slept with anything that moved. It probably wasn’t far from the truth but it didn’t mean it stung any less, he’d just gotten used to pretending it didn’t hurt. That’s what he was best at, outside of kissing and sex and making a girl feel comfortable, he was the best kind of pretender. He could make anyone believe anything about him the way he wanted them to. It was a tried and tested skill and not even William was ever able to crack it.

The rest of the school year and the next just coasted by. He would pass Eva in the hallways at school and they would be courteous. She’d say hi and he’d nod back an acknowledgement of her greeting. That continued for a few months. He hooked up with random girls and he could see Eva hooking up with random guys at parties, but somehow he was never able to keep his eyes off her even when he was making out with another girl in his arms, but he’d notice her staring back just as intently at him when she was kissing another guy too.

Occasionally their paths would cross outside of parties and they would continue being courteous. Eva would say hi and he would nod back a hello and they would continue on their merry way without looking back and without thinking of the turbulent history they shared.  

But then one night, the Yakuza happened and William was off fuck knows where and it was just him, Borkis and Erik and the dude kept yelling ‘where’s William’ and even if Chris knew he never would have fucking told and he was holding his own against a couple of them; out of the corner of his eye he could see Borkis being pushed to the ground and Erik jumping on top of the guy who was on top of him and all of a sudden he found himself on the ground, the back of his head smacking hard against the pavement and for a long second he could see nothing but stars. Then he could only see fists, a few of them coming straight at his face and into his side and after one punch to the solar plexus he couldn’t take in enough oxygen to fill his lungs and everything turned black.

He didn’t know how long he was out, but the next thing he noticed was Erik’s worried face looking down at him; his eye black and blue and blood was dripping down his nose. And he was moving almost in slow motion, dipping in and out of Chris’s focus, his mouth was moving but no sound was coming out; or rather, Chris was the one who couldn’t hear the sound that was coming out of his mouth because he turned to say something to Borkis and the guy seemed to understand him just fine.

But then the next second William’s face popped into his line of sight and Chris was sure he suffered some sort of brain injury because he was obviously hallucinating. But then not-William put his hand on Chris’s hand and pulled his arm across his shoulders, pulling him into a sitting position. His face hurt and his head hurt and some asshole was smacking him across the cheek and he just wanted to punch the fucker out—if only his head would just stop spinning.

There were flashes of light and the sound of muffled conversation in the back of his mind and he felt himself being pulled to his feet—he could barely put one foot ahead of another, and he was already bracing himself to eat pavement but there were hands on him keeping him upright and the next moment he smelled the familiar leather scent and William’s terrible car perfume and he could only watch the surroundings rushing past. Someone had a hand on his shoulder and kept saying words to him that he didn’t understand and all that noise was making his head hurt and he just wanted everyone to shut the fuck up. But the voice sounded just like William’s, so he let it be.

But then the nice calming darkness and the blurry buildings and landscapes zooming past all of a sudden morphed into the blinding brightness of white fluorescent lights and the smell of disinfectant and a flurry of people in green scrubs and white coats and convening on him like a mob.

It was very unnerving.

But William was there at his side throughout and Chris grasped onto that small bit of comfort.

Some bruised ribs, a busted face and a mild concussion. Consider yourself lucky, the doctor had said, but if he really wanted to consider himself lucky he wouldn’t have even been in that situation in the first place. His face hurt, his ribs hurt, his head hurt and William was hovering like a mother hen and Erik couldn’t stop reaching over to grasp him on the shoulder and he just wanted everyone to stop acting so fucking sappy. He wasn’t fucking dying.

William wanted to drive him home and he’d said fuck to that, he didn’t need William mothering him or everyone hovering like he was some kind of invalid. That was one of the things he hated about getting hurt, he didn’t like the spotlight it put him under, attracting everyone’s worry and their unwanted concern. It was really annoying.

Halfway through the school day—because he’d been stupid enough to want to go there instead—it legitimately felt like he was dying, but there was no fucking way he was about to admit it to anyone especially not William. Watching the last two minutes ticking by until the end of school bell rang felt like ages and when it finally did strike four, it took all of Chris’s will power not to let out a heavy sigh of relief.

He wanted to turn down William’s offer to drive him home, but at that point his head was already pounding and he felt like he was about to faceplant at any time, so instead of that, he said fuck it and let William and his stupid concern drive him back to his place.

His mom and dad were off on holiday somewhere as they usually were, so it was just him, which was only well, their presence would have done little other than irritate the hell out of him and that was the last thing he wanted to have happen. He just wanted to get back, get in bed and bury his face in his pillow and if he was lucky, he’d smother himself in his sleep and save William the trouble. One thing he did know about William was that he was a persistent motherfucker, and finally after the seventh time Chris told him to piss off, he finally did, though Chris knew that he was probably sitting in his car outside like a stalker anyway.

He kind of regretted kicking William out after about ten minutes though, after the silence finally settled and the loneliness started gnawing at him. He found himself sitting in the living room watching the switched off TV watching him and when the doorbell suddenly rang, shaking him out of his solemn reverie. He both cursed William and tried to quell the relieved feeling that was blossoming inside his stomach. It took him a few minutes of grunting and hobbling his way to the door before he swung it open without a thought, the playfully scathing words already at his tongue. “William, I told you to piss of—”

It wasn’t William at the door.

It was Eva.

The words immediately died at his lips.

Eva looked startled for a minute, he could already tell how nervous she was, and she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear before she stuttered out, “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

“No, no,” he said quickly, bring a hand up in front of him to stop her. “I just…I thought it was William coming back to annoy me again.”

All of that proved to be too much excitement for him for one day and he all of a sudden found himself feeling light headed again. He didn’t dare speak because the chances of him upchucking the cheese sandwich that William had forced on him at lunch all over Eva was very, very likely.

Eva could probably tell the way he leaned a bit too heavily against the doorframe before he lapsed into silence and quickly beckoned him back inside the apartment and over to the sofa.

There were so many questions he wanted to ask her, for starters, how did she know where he lived? Was she actually a stalker? How did she get there? Why, most importantly. He thought he should have made it clear that he wasn’t in any mood to hook up but he thought that might have actually earned him slap across the face, and rightfully so. Eva had never sought him out just for that in the past and it was unlikely that she’d start now.

As if she’d sensed his question, she immediately said, “I asked Noora to ask William where you lived,” she said and continued as if he’d asked for clarification. “I probably should have called or messaged but…I guess I…hmm, I guess I just wanted to see for myself if you were okay.”

It warmed Chris to the core to hear those words. She came just to see how he was, not because she wanted something from him. That was…truthfully, that was probably the first time it’s ever happened to him.

“Well…thanks—I guess, for coming. Your company is much nicer than William’s that’s for sure.”

Eva laughed at that and Chris couldn’t help but smile.

She stayed the night.

They didn’t sleep together; they wouldn’t have been able to anyway because after downing all his painkillers Chris was thoroughly lost to the world for the rest of the night. He only knew that she’d stayed because he found her fixing up breakfast in the kitchen the next morning after he’d managed to drag himself out of bed—or rather, the sofa where he’d slept. He found himself covered with a blanket when he woke up even though he didn’t remember pulling it over him before he went to sleep.

Something changed between them after that.

It wasn’t anything apparent and they weren’t doing any of that dating thing or anything like that. He still made out with girls and Eva still made out with guys (and a few girls) but the few times they ended up at a party together their eyes would always find each other from across the room.

There was something comforting in that, knowing that there was someone who wanted him just because they wanted him, not because they wanted something from him, and he found himself wanting her more and more.

It was strange to see himself going from the person he was at the beginning of the school to the person he ended up being at the end of it. When the Russ was over and done with; he’d drunk everything he’d set out to drink and hooked up with all the girls (and some guys) he’d set out to hook up with, at the end of it all, there was only one person who stayed constant on his mind.

Eva.

He wanted her and she wanted him, but the both of them were too afraid to do anything about it.

Instead she invited him to second year parties that graduates would seldom want to go to. Chris found himself at every single one. She invited him to pre-game parties with her girlfriends and he usually ended up being the only person there who wasn’t a ‘98 or a ‘99-er. Chris went to every single one. He was pretty sure he never even heard the term Kose party before the moment she invited him to one. He found himself at that one too. He doesn’t think he’s ever drunk anything that was that odd shade of purple and the worst eggnog he’d ever tasted in his life, but standing there next to Eva admiring the odd choice of decorations in the Christmas tree with a whole bunch of people he either didn’t know well or didn’t know at all, somehow, nothing had ever felt more perfect.

And then he enlisted and Eva saw him off before he left and he felt bittersweet at leaving behind perhaps the only thing that’s ever felt good in his life—besides William, but William fucked off to London and left him behind already, so fuck him.

William leaving was actually one of the reasons why he decided to enlist, but mainly it was because he really didn’t know what direction to go in his life and he needed a sort of reset button. The army offered that. It was bittersweet leaving Eva behind, but at the same time, he felt like he actually had something to look forward to coming home.

There was no doubt that he was attending Eva’s birthday party the moment the invitation came, but Eva didn’t need to know that.

The look on her face was priceless and made the weeks of lies and trying to pretend that he wasn’t coming all worth it in the end.

But then something happened. Maybe he got scared; maybe the both of them got scared. He wanted her and she wanted him, and he mustered up the courage to say it out loud but Eva remained afraid and maybe the deep rooted insecurity inside him, the same out that would go down in the autobiography of his life as the reason for his downfall, maybe it sunk its claw into him in the end and made him self-destruct the way he usually did. It was sad and it was pathetic and he felt so ashamed by what he did he couldn’t look at Eva in the eye for days after that.

He left for the army without saying goodbye.

Eva didn’t call or text him and he kept the communication line silent from his end as well.

It was the longest and hardest couple of months of his life.

At the end of it, it was a stupid training exercise that sent him home for good.

Some new recruit got scared going up a steep, rock strewn cliff side and when he propelled down to help him, the fool got their lines tangled and sent them crashing into the cliff face at maximum velocity and with zero protection. Chris was between the rocks and the recruit and got the brunt of the impact before they went down.

He only remembered feeling the impact and the agonizing pain that flared up in his entire left side. He remembered blacking out and coming to in complete agony before blacking out again. He remembered seeing the flashes of familiar faces looking down at him and saying things to him that he couldn’t understand. He remembered hearing the sound of a helicopter hovering overhead and feeling the strange sensation of flying himself. But most of all he remembered the strange feeling of not being able to feel his entire left side at all.

He doesn’t know how long he’s out. He’s lying in a crisp bed in a white room with an annoying beeping sound somewhere in his periphery. He wakes up looking at an unfamiliar white ceiling in a room that isn’t his and a surrounding that smells strangely familiar. It takes him a few seconds to vaguely piece together what happened and to realize that he’s in a hospital—again—and to realize that his entire arm is both painful and numb at the same time, which is a very strange sensation. He can’t move his arm but after nearly panicking and feeling the painful jolt shooting through him when he tried, he realizes to his relief that he can still feel his fingers. He can’t move them, but that was a secondary problem.

“Chris?”

He hears the voice calling his name and for a moment he wonders if he’s still unconscious and dreaming.

It’s William’s voice and it sounds like it’s coming from somewhere close as opposed to through the receiver of a phone.

“Hey, man.”

He eventually manages to find the figure that all of a sudden appeared in the corner of his eyes, and it really is William.

“What happened?” he asks, at least he tries to. His voice comes out more of a croak and his throat all of a sudden feels dry and scratchy and he’s hit by a feeling of overwhelming exhaustion that made just keeping his eyes open feel like a chore.

“There was an accident, during training. Do you remember?”

He shakes his head in a negative. He can barely keep his eyes open.

“You and one of the recruits hit the side of the cliff hard and you took the brunt of the impact,” William explained. “You’ve been out for almost four days, man. We’ve been worried sick.”

Chris wanted to ask ‘we who?’ but couldn’t find his voice. Instead he just nods and hopes William takes it as a sign to continue.

“You shattered your collarbone—the doctor had do surgery to put in some metal plates and screws; four broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder. It was a…rough few days, man.”

Chris just closes his eyes and exhales once through his nose. It explained the non-feeling he had in his left side. That must have sucked and he’s pretty glad he wasn’t conscious for any of it.

“The guy?” he croaks out, hoping William would understand.

“He’s fine. He broke a leg I think, but nothing that won’t heal with a few months rest.”

He doesn’t open his eyes after that, feeling himself drifting off towards sleep after that, but just before he finds himself lost in the abyss, he hears William talking to a new voice that suddenly reaches his ears. It’s a girl’s voice and it sounds very familiar, but Chris can’t place it. Eventually he doesn’t remember anymore and William and the voice becomes a distant memory.

When he wakes up a second time he still can’t find his bearings. Has it been a few hours? A few days? Nothing’s changed in his immediate line of sight except…

Except…there’s a figure curled up on the seat to his right, sleeping. Her forehead is resting on her knees pulled up to her chest and he can’t see her face, but he’d recognize that head of strawberry blonde hair anywhere.

William is nowhere in sight and after deliberating over it for a few minutes; he reaches over with his right hand to brush the messy bangs out of the way and takes a few remaining strands in his hand, stroking it gently and twirling it around in his fingers. The act causes the person whose head the hair belongs to, to stir slightly, moving as if in slow motion, stretching out her limbs and bringing one hand to cover a wide yawn.

Chris doesn’t move to relinquish the tresses in his hand but he doesn’t say anything either until Eva finally finishes waking up, her gaze turning up to find his staring back into hers.

She smiles, and it’s the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen.

“Hey,” she says and Chris reciprocates with a hoarse, “Hey,” of his own.

He releases the hair in his hand and reaches with his right arm to wrap protectively around his ribs and his left arm strapped securely to his chest.

“You made us really worry, Chris,” Eva says. “All your friends have been by this past week, even your army friends and your commanding officers. Everyone’s been really concerned.”

“Sorry,” he says.

“You don’t have to be sorry. It wasn’t you fault,” she says, pulling her chair closer to the bed and reaching out to hold his hand, not removing it from his chest but grasping it in her own, weaving her fingers through his and stroking his knuckles with her thumb comfortingly.

“No,” he says, shaking his head slightly. “Sorry…for not saying goodbye…Sorry…for…for—everything.”

Eva grasps his hand tighter in her own. “I’m sorry too,” she says. “I’m sorry for Jonas. I’m sorry for brushing you off and calling you a fuckboy and pushing you away. I’m…I’m just sorry for…not being able to give you what you wanted then.”

This time it’s Chris turn to shake his head. “No,” he starts, swallowing hard. Talking still wasn’t easy, but he felt like he needed to get it all of his chest the best he could. “Maybe…we both weren’t really ready.”

“Maybe,” Eva repeats, though her eyes are glistening. “You know…Emma came by too, a few days ago,” she says, but she doesn’t look angry and Chris ends up laughing. At least the closest he could get to laughing. It was painful and rough and it hurt like a son of a bitch, but it felt good.

“You didn’t kill her?”

This time it’s Eva who laughs. “No, I didn’t. She’s actually a sweet girl, she just needs to stop letting herself get dragged around by douchebags.”

Chris mouths a taken-aback ‘me?’

“Not you specifically but you included,” Eva says and Chris grins.

They don’t say a word after that. Chris can’t keep his eyes off Eva and Eva can’t stop staring right back.

“You really scared me, Chris. I thought—I really thought I was going to lose you, and it was the most scared I’ve ever been in my life.”

Chris can’t seem to say anything other than sorry. He wishes his mind were in a more coherent state for this conversation. He doesn’t want to fuck everything up by saying something stupid, or by not saying what he needed to say.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, I told you,” Eva says. “I just mean—uh, I just meant that…I could only think about everything I should have said and everything I wanted to say, deep down, but was just too scared to. Regret is a terrible feeling, but that’s what I felt the whole time since the moment I heard about your accident.” A soft wistful smile comes across her face after that. “My mom asks about you a lot, by the way. She isn’t home often, but whenever she is, or sometimes she even texts asking me about my quote unquote, hot boyfriend.”

Chris laughs.

“I’m not your boyfriend,” he says.

Eva returns his smile with her eyes sparkling when she says; “Yet.”

Chris can’t find anything to reply to that so he just stays silent thought the smile on his face is a constant.

Eventually William returns and Chris can see Noora walking into the frame, waving happily at him when she notices him looking.

“Hey, man,” William greets when he enters, a wide smile on his face as he approaches, reaching over to pat him on the knee. Chris knows William’s first instinct was to grasp him on the shoulder, but considering the state of his that he doesn’t really even want to think about, he’s glad William’s mind bypassed that instinct.

He can only imagine how he looks. He doesn’t even want to imagine the state his arm is in or how it even looks. If it looks half as bad as it feels then it must look pretty fucking terrible. He can feel bandages wrapped around his torso and some kind of contraption slash sling strapping his arm tight over his chest and reaching up towards his opposite shoulder. It’s strapped tight, but not to the point of pain and the only thing he can move are his fingers (something he’s eternally grateful for despite everything), which is something he definitely would not be doing any time in the immediate future.

His stay in the hospital is long and boring. The only bright spot is the constant stream of visitors he gets in the form of his Penetrator friends, a few of Eva’s friends, his army teammates and a handful of the officers—a few of them for official reasons instead of a social visit, since his arm was definitely messed up, he was getting an honourable discharge from the army. It wasn’t a fact that particularly pleased him though, but he kept those thoughts to himself.

The only constant bright spot is Eva’s unyielding presence by his side through it all.

And William, but—well, William was William, if he wasn’t there that would have made him a pretty shit friend.

Noora’s there more often than not and surprisingly one of his most frequent visitors is his name twin, the other Chris.

Even Eva’s mom came when she was in town for the weekend and that visit left Chris feeling warm to the very core.

He’s in the hospital for an additional two weeks before the doctor finally discharges him, with follow up visits and check-ups every other week for at least the next three months, and as much as Chris was looking forward to going home, he definitely wasn’t looking forward to the stilted silence and loneliness that was awaiting him at his place. He knows William and the guys will be by more often than not and Eva would probably visit a lot, but it didn’t chase away the dread he felt on the inside.

Everyone came on the day of his discharge from the hospital; all the guys and Isak and his friends and Eskild came with flowers and balloons that said Happy Birthday Stacey (apparently they were all out of congratulatory balloons at the gift shop) and Chris doesn’t think he’s ever felt more touched.

His parents didn’t come not once the entire time he was admitted, apparently they were in Bora Bora with no way to be contacted, or that’s what William had told him. He didn’t really care either way. He was going home and that’s the only thing he cared about at the moment. He’d deal with the loneliness later.

Driving in a tiny car with a messed up shoulder and fucked up ribs was definitely not a pleasant experience. William could only apologize when he caught Chris wincing when he had to fold himself into the passenger’s side seat after Noora and Eva had crawled in.

“We should have brought the Los Losers van,” Noora had said, and Chris laughed despite the ache in his side. That would have been quite a sight to behold. They were all a bunch of Los Losers the lot of them anyway, William included. In fact, William was no doubt the biggest loser of them all.

The drive back to his apartment took perhaps a shorter time than it took for him to climb the one story staircase up to his door. He’s sweating and huffing by the time he reaches the top landing but no one makes a comment which he’s glad for.

There are bags waiting in his living room when he walks in, and none of them are his.

“They’re mine,” Eva says when she catches him obviously staring at them.

“Why? Are you moving somewhere?” he realizes that he probably sounds little dumb at the moment but he genuinely could not think of any reasons for Eva’s bags to be in his apartment.

William and Noora were downstairs bringing up his things—or giving him Eva space to talk, which was the more likely option because he only had one small bag that definitely didn’t need two people to haul up, but at least neither of them are around to see his dumb moment.

“No, dumbass,” Eva says with an eye roll, looking at him like he’s the most belligerent fool in all the land. “I’m staying with you for a while. At least until you’re a bit better. I asked my mom and she said it was okay.”

Still it takes him an additional few seconds to process her words. “Why?” he finds himself asking.

“Why?” she repeats derisively, “Because you’re still hurt? Because you’re not a hundred percent? Because I’m worried about you? Because I don’t want you to get hurt again? Do I need to go on?”

Chris hmms for a moment. “Feel free to,” he says and Eva just groans.

“You really are dumb, Chris,” she says, but there’s no bite to her words. “Maybe it’s because I care about you and I don’t want you to be alone. Maybe it’s because I…maybe just a little bit because I…maybe…maybe it’s because I realize that I love you, dumbass. It took me a while to finally come to terms with it, but I do. Maybe I always have but I just didn’t realize it—I don’t know. But whatever it is, I’m willing…I mean, if you want to…I’m willing to give this—us, a try.”

Chris is speechless for a long minute as he stares straight into her eyes, looking for—he doesn’t even know what he’s looking for. Hesitance? Lies? He isn’t sure, but he doesn’t find it. All he see’s staring back at him is concern and sincerity and glistening clear tears pooling in the corner of her eyes.

“I was going to say that I’ve been ready for a long time, but that would have been a lie—” he sees the disappointment flashing across Eva’s face and he’s quick to add, “What I mean is, I thought I was ready then, but I wasn’t. But...maybe, maybe I might be now. After everything that’s happened and you being the one steadfast thing I had in my life, I just…I want you in my life, Eva; not just as a hook up or to make out with in a backroom at some dirty club, I want you…all the time. I don’t think I could have gotten through these past couple of weeks without you,” his mouth opens and closes wordlessly until he finally managed to get out, “I...I think I love you too.” And he realizes that that’s the first time he’s ever heard those words pass by his own lips.

Eva reaches up to wipe at her tears as a small smile curls at her lips. But Chris is faster in his reaction, reaching out quickly to still her hand and using his own to wipe away the accumulated liquid trickling down the side of her face with the back of his finger.

Eva sniffles once and takes a step towards him and he circles his right arm around her shoulder and pulls her close into his uninjured side, resting his chin on the top of her head. Eva circles her own arms around his waist and rests her head on his shoulder, sniffling softly.

They stay in the embrace for a while, until they hear a knock at the door and William’s disembodied voice calling out. “So can we come in now?”

Eva chuckles but doesn’t move to relinquish her hold on him and Chris isn’t particularly inclined to either so he yells back out. “No, piss off, William.”

He thinks he hears William yelling back an affronted fuck you and the sound of Noora laughing in the background, Chris grins but he isn’t overly concerned, William will be fine. The only thing that matters in that moment is the gorgeous girl in his arms and the way it felt like despite the accident, maybe even because of the accident, it felt like his life was finally turning out well and for the first time he was truly excited to see what the future would bring.

They’re both cuddled together on his bed; Eva with her head tucked comfortably under his chin, her arms around him holding him close, or maybe even keeping herself close to him in case he’d go out and get himself stabbed again. One thing was for fucking sure though, Chris never wanted to go through that ever again. Getting stabbed is very unpleasant and not recommended at all.

In return he has his one arm circled around her shoulder, fingers twirling around the strands of hair that stray into his grasp and the other arm curled protectively around his ribs. Broken ribs are also very unpleasant and not recommended either.

He’s been home for all of a day and he was already getting restless. He was finally allowed to leave by his reluctant doctors because it was Christmas Eve, Chris had been a model patient and maaaaybe it was in small part due William giving the poor doctor the look had he decided otherwise.

William for his part was just as hesitant as the doctors to let Chris leave the safety of the hospital just then, but Chris had mastered the ways of getting William to do whatever he wanted. It was a power he didn’t use often—that much power in the hands of one person could prove to be dangerous—but when he did there was absolutely nothing William could do to refuse him. He might impart that knowledge to Noora one day though, or if ever a time came that he thinks she would need it.

But the doctor reluctantly signed off and Chris was happy, Eva and William were slightly less so, mainly due to the fact that he was obviously still not a hundred percent, but who cared what they thought? It was his body and his health and he was the one who’d been stuck indoors for eight days, thought he was only really conscious for maybe half of that and bed-ridden for two-thirds of it. It was only because of Eva and William that he didn’t lose his mind completely in the meantime.

Chris hated hospitals. He always has and he always will. He always avoided going to one unless it was absolutely necessary or someone managed to drag him there against his will, so getting stuck in one without being able to leave had been one of his biggest fears. Those eight days were his absolute limit. To be honest, he would have left immediately once he regained consciousness if William, Eva and the doctors hadn’t been in the way…and if he could have been able to stand on his own two feet for more than a few seconds before feeling like he was about to pass out.

Eva and William were there the whole time. He thinks Eva only left once because her friends made her, or they tricked her into it, but William was always there and he was never lacking in visitors at any given time. Most of the Penetrators showed up almost ad nauseum once they were allowed to visit, not all at once though, which were small favours. He didn’t think he would have been able to keep up with everyone and everything going on if they had. Erik was also there almost as often as William and Eva, and Chris found his presence oddly comforting. All the other guys had been respectful of his state of mind though, they didn’t talk obnoxiously loud and whenever Chris felt like the surrounding was starting to dip in and out of focus, he recalls the sound of the excitable conversation slowing down to a more relaxed volume. He was thankful for that and for all the guys coming to visit him, even all of Eva’s friends. All of them, even the ones he didn’t know. He’s sure some of them were actually Noora’s friends too, which made the whole situation even more bizarre.

He was okay with Isak, not really friends, just friendly accomplices though he didn’t know Isak’s boyfriend at all.  Also, he only then just realized that Isak was gay. He tried not to show his surprise but that shit came totally out of left field. Somehow he felt like he should have…known? Suspected somehow? No wonder Eva kept giggling whenever she brought up the topic of Isak dating one of the Pepsimax girls and she’d thrown shade many times about him meeting Isak during the whole Yakuza thing. He was surprised when Isak walked into his room with a tall, blonde guy and introduced him as his boyfriend.

Eva giggled that time too actually.

“Why are you always giggling whenever the topic of Isak comes up?” he asks suddenly. He thinks Eva was starting to doze off so the sound of his voice jolts her a little when he speaks.

“What?” Eva asks confused. Or faking confusion more like, he knows that look on her face. He thinks he’s gotten pretty good at reading her. She may be brainy but she was also super transparent, and he says that in the most affectionate way possible.

“Isak,” he enunciates. “Why are you always giggling when his name is mentioned? Is it cause you knew he was gay?” Eva gets that look on her face where he knows that she’s trying to cover up her desperate attempt to think up an excuse by being as adorable as she can possibly be. Well, it’s not going to work this time. “Don’t lie.”

Eva tries to smother the grin threatening to emerge, but she’s failing pathetically. “Chris—” she starts, but she’s about to twist the subject, so Chris mimics her tone cynically when he says; “Eva.”

Eva huffs. “Okay, okay. Fine,” she says, turning her head up to look at him. “We—as in, Noora and I, kind of suspected for a while that you and Isak were having…a thing.”

“A thing?”

“Yes, a thing. A…gay thing.”

Chris can feel the crease of his brows getting deeper when he tries to imagine what exactly could have brought this suspicion on. It clicks like a gear in shift suddenly. His meeting Isak about the Yakuza thing; exchanging phone numbers, also for the Yakuza thing. Him getting a call from Isak at the party, again, for the Yakuza thing. He thinks he can maybe understand how that would have looked to other people, especially other people who were maybe looking a little too close because they were maybe a little too involved in everything.

“Let me guess,” he says after his mental debate had come to a conclusion. “You were jealous, weren’t you?”

This time it’s Eva’s turn to act scandalous when she splutters out: “What? No. Not at all.”

“Yep, mm-hmm,” Chris hums teasingly. “I totally believe you right now.”

“Chris—” Eva starts once again, pulling out of his arm to sit up, jostling the bed slightly with the sudden movement and extracting a pained gasp from Chris that he didn’t have time to stop.

The mood immediately shifts after that; the scandalized look on Eva’s face is replaced by concern and a little guilt when she leans carefully over him.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine,” Chris says quickly when Eva’s about to open her mouth to spew some sort of apology that he really doesn’t want. He’s tired of everyone constantly apologizing to him, William being at the very top of that list. “Seriously. Just—it’s nothing, please.”

Eva is hesitant for a few seconds before she nods, returning to her previous position curled up against his side, but with much more care than the way she pulled out of it.

The annoying silence returns and Chris feels himself getting upset by how quickly the mood changed from happy and playful, to sombre and way too serious. He’s getting pretty sick and tired of everyone walking on eggshells around him.

“I wasn’t jealous by the way,” Eva says, interrupting his thoughts. “You would have made a cute couple anyway and I would have gladly stepped down.”

She says all in as a matter of fact and Chris finds himself laughing before he can do anything else. The laughter is agony on his ribs, but he doesn’t care. Eva always has a way of just making him feel better in an instance without even really trying too.

Eva’s soft laughter follows after him and the tension in the room is eased several folds once again. The both lapse into a more comfortable silence after that, Eva still snuggled in his side and Chris trying to recall the last time he felt this at ease around someone who wasn’t William. It was never with one of his hooks ups, that was for sure; the girls were always pretty and always willing, but he barely remembered they faces the morning after and he definitely didn’t remember any names.

He could never forget Eva’s though, even from the very first moment.

And Cool Chris, but that was an entirely different subject.

He wonders where William stalked off to. It was getting kind of late and William hasn’t come to pester him in at least three hours which for him was some sort of record.

The house is quiet besides the sounds of Christmas music floating in from the outside and the occasional jingling sound of sleigh bells from somewhere on the street. The rest of the house is empty besides him and Eva; the living room dark and deserted and the both of them snuggling comfortably in his bed pushed up against the wall opposite the door. He doesn’t know how long they’ve been laying there together; three hours, maybe four. It was nearing five p.m. at that point and William had come bursting in suddenly a few hours ago saying that he had some business to attend to with someone or whatever, he was muttering hurriedly and Chris had just told him to get the fuck out because his babbling was giving him a serious headache.

His stitches itched like a son of a bitch, his insides still felt like someone ran it through a sausage stuffer, his ribs hurt something awful so did the rest of him and he could feel a pounding headache building up behind his eyeballs and William being all jittery didn’t help him at all any at the time, just like it wasn’t helping any at the moment.

Maybe leaving the hospital really hadn’t been such a good idea.

“Chris? You okay?” he hears Eva’s voice calling his name softly and he only realized he’d closed his eyes when he has to open them to look at her.

“I’m okay,” he says in reassurance, sparring her a small smile.

Eva isn’t convinced though. She pushed herself up onto one elbow and eyes him critically. “Are you sure? You seem…in pain.”

“Not more than normal,” he says.

“No amount of pain should be normal though,” she says worriedly.

“It’s just a headache, Eva. Don’t worry.”

“But I do worry,” she says, again as a matter of fact and rendering Chris completely speechless. Chris can’t help himself but stare at her lips when she’s done talking and he realized that for the first time staring at a girls mouth so close to his, her lips aren’t the only thing he wants from her. He wants everything; her lips, her body, her heart; her. All of her. He’s never felt more complete than when he’s around her listening to her talk about her opinions of the Russ and the smile that comes across her face when she talks about her friends. When she tells him about something funny Eskild said or something even funnier someone named Linn said while she’s shot him down, or when she told him about their first Kose group meeting and Sana telling them to get with the 97-ers and about Sana being the one who added him on Instagram and liked all those pictures.

He laughed then, just like he always laughs so easily whenever Eva is around. Eva always has something interesting to say about something and he constantly finds himself unable to look away, unable to hide the interested look he’s sure is plain as day on his face. Eva always trails off and looks sheepishly away when she catches him staring but she has a small contented smile on his face and Chris thinks that he couldn’t think of a more beautiful sight.

Eva is beautiful. He doesn’t think he tells her that nearly enough but she is. All the girls he’d been with have been beautiful in their own way too, Iben was gorgeous and kind and her only fault was that she loved someone who didn’t love her back. But Eva has always been different. Different than the other girls he’d been with and all the other girls at school. He’d heard about what happened between her and her ex and the Pepsimax girl, but who was he to judge given his own track record? Eva had gone through the worst of the worst experience a girl could go through and she’d only come out stronger and Chris found that to be one of the sexiest aspects about her.

“Really, Eva. It’s nothing a little rest and some TLC won’t fix,” he says when he turns to Eva and still finds her expectant and worried gaze on him. “Unless you have other plans,” he says with a grin.

That manages to crack through the serious mask on Eva’s face and she reciprocates with a small smile of her own and a little head shake. “What if I do?”

“Then I’d be really sad,” he says.

“Well, I guess I have to cancel on that hot barista guy then. I couldn’t possibly leave in good consciences now.”

Again Eva manages to make him crack a painful laugh. “No wait a minute,” he says seriously. “How hot are we talking?”

“Pretty damn hot,” Eva says

“On a scale of one to ten, with me being ten and—let’s say the pervy beer guy being one, how hot would you rate him, truthfully?”

Eva looks like she’s giving the question a serious thought, tapping at her bottom lip with her index finger as she lets out a soft hmm. “Well,” she says finally, looking at Chris straight in the eye, “Not nearly as hot as you.”

And Chris is left internally floundering. There she goes again always leaving him in a constant state of disarray and speechlessness.

Instead of answering though, he reaches up to cup the side of her cheek gently, all while maintaining the intense eye contact, running his thumb across her cheeks.

“You’re the most beautiful though, Eva. And smart, and funny and the kindest person I’ve ever met,” he says truthfully.

Eva’s cheeks flush at the compliment and she immediately turns to look away, a sheepish smile playing at her lips, but Chris’ palm is still cupping her face and he doesn’t allow her to turn away.

“That’s the painkillers talking,” she says, still looking everywhere else but Chris’ eyes.

“I wouldn’t be in pain if the painkillers were still in effect,” Chris says truthfully, trying to catch Eva’s gaze as her eyes dart nervously at everything in the room except him. “Why don’t you believe me?”

The question stills her.

“It’s not that,” she says, trailing off unsurely. “Just—uh, I guess people just don’t tell me that very often.”

Chris’ smile drops slightly at the statement. “Well, they must have been blind as well as stupid,” he says confidently. “And it’s their loss.”

Eva runs her tongue over the bottom of her lips nervously and Chris can’t stop himself from staring. “Thanks,” she says, finally looking up to meet his eyes.

“No,” he replies. “Thank you, Eva, for—well, for everything.”

The silence descends again but neither Chris nor Eva could tear their gazes away from each other. Chris is laying on his back, propped up on a couple of pillows and Eva is on her side, leaning on her elbow beside him, her head slightly tilted and her long brown hair cascading down past her shoulder to brush against his arm.

Chris can feel the tension in the room hovering, it isn’t a bad kind of feeling just—apparent. He feels his breath quickening inside his chest though he tries not to be too obvious about it; Eva is still cool as a cucumber, her eyes intense and focused on him, on his face, he notices the way they trail down to his own lips every so often and he can barely hold back the smile. He’s never been the holding back kind of guy, but with Eva he feels like it’s never his place to take the first step, so he waits for her to…do something, or make the first move, because the aura pulsating around them makes it clear that something is about to happen.

Without a word or even a warning, Eva lowers herself down slightly to catch his lips in a kiss. Chris’ fingers find themselves tangled in a mess of brown hair soon enough as he feels hands reaching up to grab at the back of his neck and head with just as much ferocity. He feels himself almost being pushed deeper into the pillows behind him by Eva’s body pressed against his. His ribs are screaming at him but he blocks out the noise by circling his other arm around Eva’s body, pulling her closer against him.

The kiss lasts about seven hours, or at least that’s how long it feels like. In truth it was probably only about thirty seconds. But eventually they pull apart, a mess of tangles limbs and flustered cheeks and red, swollen lips, panting hard. If kissing and sex weren’t such enjoyable past times, he’s sure the human race would have died out a long time ago. Even though Eva looks as dishevelled as he probably does, there’s a calmness about her that he finds relaxing and the feeling that also makes him pleased. Eva being happy also makes him happy because that’s the most important thing.

“You really know how to leave a guy speechless,” he says after they’ve both managed to catch their breath.

Eva is running her fingers through her hair in an effort to smooth it down and he finds himself doing the same.

“How are your ribs?” Eva asks instead, like it just occurred to her that sandwiching a guy with broken ribs with her body might not have been such a good idea.

“I’ll survive,” he says. “Plus I’m sure they’ll understand when I explain the situation. They’ll be glad to take one for the team.”

Eva chuckles and Chris doesn’t think he’s heard a sweeter sound.

“Asshole,” she mutters under her breath, but returns to her position cuddled against him, reaching across to hug him around the chest and resting her head comfortably on his shoulder. Chris in return, reaches around to hold her against him with a strong arm. The other one gently massaging a bit of relief into his aching side.

“Where did William run off to though? He hasn’t come to be a nuisance in hours and honestly I’m getting quite concerned.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s with Noora—ahem, catching up,” Eva says.

“Yeah…pretty sure they’re doing a lot of that,” Chris says. “Speaking of which—”

“No,” Eva says dismissively before he could even finish what he was about to say.

“But Eva—”

“No,” she says with a much stricter tone. “You’re injured and the doctor himself said not to do anything strenuous for at least the next couple of weeks or so.”

“Eva—”

“Chris—no.”

“Ugh,” he groans petulantly, letting the hand caressing Eva’s shoulder gently drop down onto the bed with a defeated plop.

Eva seems to take pity on his disappointment. “After you’re fully healed though, then maybe we can revisit this conversation.”

That immediately cheers him up and his hand returns to its original position caressing her side gently. “Promise?”

“I promise,” she says, teasingly enunciating every syllable as she turns her head up to smile cheekily at him.

He returns the smile immediately.

Before long, the combination of the calm and quiet atmosphere of the room at the warm bedfellow at his side, Chris find himself being lulled into the welcoming arms of sleep. His finger keeps on tracing indistinct shapes on Eva’s arm and her side as his eyes start getting heavier and heavier and before long he don’t recall anything anymore.

Eva senses the moment Chris actually drifts off. His breathing evens out and the movement of his hand and fingers just stop. It’s relaxing laying there just listening to the sound of his soft breaths and looking at the rise and fall of his chest. His shirt had ridden up a little during their little make out and Eva can’t stop staring at the edges of the jagged scars peeking out from under the hem of his shirt. Two of them: the one that caused all the problems and the other one that was trying to fix everything it did. They were still reddish and raw and painful looking even after eight days and Eva stops herself from reaching over to run her fingers over them.  It wasn’t her place.

She hears the sound of an incoming message on her phone and carefully shifts her body to the side, laying Chris’ hand back down on the mattress gently before she kicks her feet over the ledge and sits up, reaching for the offending thing.

It’s a message from William.

How is he? It said.

He just fell asleep. I think he’ll be out for a couple of hours.

K. 

It’s a short reply that Eva doesn’t answer and just puts the phone away on the side table before she turns to look at the sleeping Chris beside her.

A lot has changed in the last week or so; most of the changes seem to be between the two of them and the rest feels like it’s within her own self. She came to that realization sometime within the last couple of days. On the inside she felt…lighter, somehow; more at ease and maybe even a little happier. She doesn’t know how much of that is because of Chris, but she suspects that he’s the majority reason. If someone had said that to her last year, she would probably have laughed.

Penetrator Chris of all people. Not just any regular Penetrator, arguably the second most infamous of the Penetrators, of not the most infamous. Personally Eva always found William rather overrated considering all the attention he got from girls from all walks of life, including her own group of friends. She would admit to realizing his charms after they started to get to know each other better though but it still always astounded Eva that people were gunning for William when Chris was standing right there.

The point is, Penetrator Chris of all people, with her of all people.

Little ol’ Eva with her low self-esteem and trust issues; but in her defence, Jonas never really gave her any solid reason to trust him fully. She should have realized it at the time. She might have stolen Jonas from Ingrid, but it wasn’t like Jonas was an unwilling participant in the whole thing. Sana said to her once that you can’t steal a person who didn’t already want to go in the first place.

But Chris never pretended to be anything other than what people thought he was and all the girls that got with him knew what they were getting themselves into. But Eva’s come to see that he’s so much more than that, everything he truly was you could see if you put in a little effort to scratch below the surface.

Eva didn’t just scratch the surface with him though, she broke out the fucking hoe, one might argue in more ways than one.

Her and Chris, huh?

For the first time, she thinks that the description sounds just about right.

In the distance she hears the sound of the front door opening and the sliver of light shining into the room through the crack under the bedroom door but she doesn’t move from her position. She looks at Chris for a few seconds longer in silence before slowly lowering herself back into her original spot. But she keeps her eyes on Chris’s face, reaching over with one hand to gently caress his cheek with her thumb, causing him to stir slightly but without waking up.

She stares at his closed eyes, his lips, slightly parted, the breaths he’s inhaling and exhaling, and the movement of the rise and fall of his chest under her palm. She finds herself whispering, “I love you,” into the silence without expecting an acknowledging response in return.

Chris sleeps on.

Eventually Eva tucks herself snugly into his side, tucking one hand under her chin and the other reaching the rest of the way to embrace him before she too feels the lull of sleep wash over her like a cloud and before long there is nothing.

Chris doesn’t know how long he’s asleep for. The sky is dark out when he opens his eyes and Eva is fast asleep against his side so he doesn’t dare move to reach over and check the clock on his phone. It must have been a couple of hours at least.

He doesn’t know if it was because he stirred too suddenly, but he feels Eva rousing beside him before her bleary eyes turn up to look at him.

“Hey there,” she greets with raspy voice and a sleepy smile.

“Hey yourself, sleepyhead,” he says, his voice groggy from sleep as he reaches up to rub at his eyes with the hand that isn’t holding onto Eva.

They continue lying there in silence for a few additional minutes just allowing their bleary minds to readjust and the drowsiness to work its way out. Waking up from a nap could sometimes be more tiring than not sleeping in the first place.

“Had a good sleep?” Eva asks after a while and a good long, refreshing stretch across the length of the bed.

“It was, until I woke up,” Chris says with a sigh, trying to blink away the sleepiness still clouding his mind. “How am I more exhausted now than I was before actually sleeping?”

“Rules of the universe I guess,” Eva adjusts herself to rest her chin on his shoulder and looks up at him while he arm reaches across to circle protectively around his torso.

“I’m tired of sleeping,” he says. “And I’m tired of being tired all the time.”

“You went through something traumatic, Chris. Your body just needs time to heal,” she says, making the situation sound much simpler than it really is.

“Easier said than done. I’m just bored out of my fucking mind right now,” he says. “Plus I think William may have been murdered or kidnapped because that’s literally the only explanation I can think of. This is so not like him. I think I need to put out a missing person’s report.”

Eva laughs through her yawn.

“Relax. He messaged me asking about you earlier. I told him you were asleep. So to disprove your first point, I’m sure William is still very much alive.”

“He and Noora must really be getting it on though.”

“Honestly, I don’t even want to know.”

“Since we’re on the subject—”

“Shut up, Chris.”

“You’re very mean, you know that?”

“It comes with the brainy part. You just have to accept it.”

Chris laughs at that.

There’s a ping of a new incoming message. It’s not his phone so he assumes it’s Eva’s. Eva doesn’t rush to read it though so he assumes it’s nothing urgent. “You know, I’m getting kind of hungry,” she says.

“Unless someone went grocery shopping today, I don’t think we have any food in the house though.”

“Take-out?” Eva suggests.

“You can use my phone,” he says.

Eva seems like she’s mentally debating something before she replies. “Come on,” she says eventually, scooting across to the side of the mattress and getting to her feet. “Let’s go check the kitchen first before we waste money if we don’t have to.”

“You go ahead,” he says. Already the thought of leaving the safe, warm comfort of the bed and trudging all the way to the kitchen didn’t seem like an appealing prospect whatsoever.

“Chris,” Eva chides gently. “It’s dark outside. You’re really going to make me walk all the way through the dark apartment by myself, at night? What kind of boyfriend are you?”

Chris’ mind immediately zeros in on the word boyfriend, but he doesn’t point it out. “The kitchen is literally five meters away, in a straight line. The only bogeyman that lives here hasn’t been home in hours.”

“Chris,” Eva says again, almost in a whine. As if pronouncing his name longer and longer each time was going to convince him to change his mind.

He really didn’t want to get up. Everything fucking hurt and he regrets not taking his pain pills before he went to sleep, because he’s both sore and stiff at the moment, it was a very uncomfortable state to be in. “Eva,” he mimics the tone. “I’m tired.”

“You just said that you’re tired of being tired, so do something about it.”

Yes, he did just say that. Chris kicks himself mentally for that.

With a loud exhale and a groan, he pushes himself up by his elbow, his left arms still curled protectively around his side and scoots slowly over to the edge of the bed, letting his legs dangle down to the cold floor as he attempts to catch his breath.

A guilty look flashes across Eva’s face for a split second but he doesn’t call attention to it. “Are you still really hungry?” he asks, doing his best impression of a kicked puppy looking up at her.

Eva takes a considerable amount of time answering that. She bites her lower lip and all of a sudden looks much more noticeably guilty, obviously realizing what she was asking of him. Her ‘yes’ is small and sheepish and guilty and all of a sudden Chris feels like kind of an asshole for the way he was acting.

He pushes himself to his feet slowly and with a groan but Eva is there at his side immediately; reaching around to hold him by the waist and pulling his arm across her shoulder to steady him.

“Ready?” he asks, more of a courtesy because he definitely wasn’t. His kitchen might as well be on the opposite end of town for all the effort he was about to put into the journey.

“Are you?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

And so they begin their journey, their pathetically slow and painful journey across those five meters to the kitchen. The hallway is pitch black when they exit the bright bedroom and so is the living room and the rest of the house.

“Now I’m really concerned about, William,” he says as he looks around at the obvious lack of life in the rest of the apartment.

“He’s fine,” Eva says almost a little too confidently, like she knows something he doesn’t.

For one thing, she doesn’t move to turn on the light in the hallways when they pass by the switch. Secondly, her focus, even in the pitch blackness doesn’t seem to be on what’s immediately in front of her. And thirdly, she’s strangely quiet. Even by Eva levels of quiet. Something smelled fishy.

His living room is before the kitchen if you’re coming from the bedroom, it isn’t an important detail to know except for the fact that he feels Eva’s steps slowing down and becoming more hesitant the closer they get to the archway that leads to the darkened area.

“You okay?” he asks, turning to look at the silhouette of her profile in the darkness.

“Yeah,” she says. “I just thought I heard something.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Just—uh, like something moving, but I’m sure it’s nothing.”

Chris is definitely sure it’s nothing. He isn’t a big believer in ghosts or the supernatural or whatever, but at the same time he isn’t a nonbeliever. He knows that there probably are things in the world that they couldn’t yet explain. Including but not limited to the whereabouts of one William Magnusson.

He’s going to start calling him William Missingson if he keeps this up though.

They halt completely by the entrance of the living room and Eva casts an unreadable look into the darkness. Her look is unreadable mainly because they’re in pitch fucking darkness and he can’t see shit besides the feint glow of the moonlight streaming in through the window and the shadows standing against its backdrop.

“Eva?”

Eva is silent for a brief moment.

In the next instance though, Chris thinks he might have been deafened and blinded at the same time because all of a sudden there’s a burst of brightness that detonates his corneas and the sound of a myriad of voices shouting indistinctly at him. Additionally, the soothing baritone of Frank Sinatra singing ‘Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas’ playing in the background.

Eventually Chris’ brain manages to decipher the wall of words coming at him from every which way at a variety of frequencies to make out the phrase, “Merry Christmas!” being shouted at him.

Right there in the middle of fray, leading the charge, a too wide dorky grin on his stupid face is William not-so-Missingson-anymore.

He’s holding up a glass of an indistinct looking liquid in toast; Noora, also grinning widely, glued loyally to his side. Scattered around him in groups of two’s and three’s, spread out across the span of the living room; all of them seemingly just popped out from behind a piece of furniture are the guys he’s arguably too familiar with, the few people that he considers friends, a handful that he just kind of knows and the rest he’s pretty sure are friends of Eva’s that he’s probably seen around or heard of.

Before his brain can even begin to formulate words or even find the necessary cells needed to signal his face to close his mouth and lower his eyebrows from his hairline where they’re undoubtedly found themselves lodged in, he finds William’s annoyingly smiley face almost right there in front of his. He didn’t even notice him walking up.

“Merry Christmas,” he says a bit too chipper for Chris’ taste.

“Wha—Wh—The fu—Wher—What the fuck?” he knows he’s gaping stupidly at everything, but it’s like his brain has momentarily stopped working.

“It’s just a little Christmas party, man,” William says, as if it explains even a fraction of the questions running through Chris mind at that moment.

“W—Why?” he asks, because he genuinely can’t begin to comprehend the sight he’s seeing with his own two eyes.

“Cause…” William starts, looking away from Chris for a moment, sharing a look with Eva and looking out at the company of people who’d just started mingling with each other, before returning his eyes back to Chris. “Because you deserve it and because we all needed this. This—” he motions out to the whole room with a sweep of his arm, “—this joy.”

And Chris finds himself speechless once again. Beside him Eva is silent, though he finds her eyes on him and a smile on her face when he turns his eyes to look at her.

“He’s right,” she says. “You, me, William; everyone needs this right now.” She trails off for a moment before adding in a quieter voice. “It’s the Kose party we didn’t get to enjoy together.”

Chris looks between Eva and William, then at Noora who just walked up, circling an arm around Williams waist as the edges of her lips curl into a smile. He glances out at the rest of the people in the room, hearing the sounds of merry chatter over the music still playing soothingly in the background; the large Christmas tree in the corner decorated with colourful glass balls and the little lights flickering between colours and what seems to be a giant paper mâché dildo sitting at the very tip.

That gives him momentary pause, before he moves onto the people and the all the familiar faces he sees smiling around him. He recognizes nearly a dozen or so of the Penetrators, Erik in the back with Borkis currently making eyes at the redheaded girl he doesn’t recognize, getting promptly thwarted by Noora’s gay roommate and his sparkly silver leggings. He recognizes Isak and his little group of friends and his tall blonde boyfriend he thinks is named Even. Rounding up the rag-tag bunch of people currently filling his living room to the gills are Eva’s crew sitting around the sofa whispering conspiratorially to each other.

“You shouldn’t have,” he finds himself saying. “This is just—this is all—you shouldn’t have gone through the trouble.” He tries not to get choked up but he can feel himself failing.

“It’s no trouble at all.” It’s Noora who says that, smiling brightly.

“Yeah,” William picks up the statement with a nod. “Because you’re worth all of this,” he says, and there’s an intensity in his eyes and a desperation in his voice when he says that. “It was Eva’s idea actually,” William adds after a moment, letting his last comment stand for a while before changing the subject.

Chris immediately looks at Eva after William says that and finds Eva’s blushing face looking back at him. There’s a small smile on her face but she looks more sheepish than proud at the admission. “Yeah, but William and Noora are the ones who did all the work.”

“Only because you had the idea first,” Noora says. “Work is work, but this party wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for you, Eva.”

“Guys…” Eva says though her words trail away into silence and she avoids making eye contact with anyone.

Chris makes the first move this time though, the arm already slung over Eva’s shoulder turning her around gently and he grabs her around her free shoulders with his other hand, pulling her into a tight embrace, almost curving his body over her small figure as he burrows his face into her hair. “Thank you,” he whispers into her ear. He doesn’t see her reaction, but he imagines her eyes widening, and maybe tearing up slightly because that was the aura she was giving off; eventually he feels smaller arms circling him around the waist, grasping onto the material of the back of his shirt and grasping onto him just as tight. “I love you,” he adds, even more quietly, a phrase that’s just for her ears. This time he feels her reaction; her body stilling in his embrace and the sound of sniffling close to his ear. He feels her nails nearly digging into the skin of his back because that was how firm her grip was behind his back.

This time William and Noora have thankfully taken their leave to go re-join the rest of the group, leaving Eva and Chris to their relative privacy in the room currently packed with people.

They stand there in the embrace for a solid minute before Chris hears a muttering that sounds like Eva’s voice, only approximately three times quieter as usual.

“I love you too,” she says back and this time he’s the one who stills.

They pull apart a fraction, just enough to be able to look each other in the eye after the confession. Chris doesn’t think he’s ever uttered those words to anything that isn’t a plate of food so all this is just really new to him. Judging from Eva’s reaction, maybe it is to her too.

That is until a third voice rather exasperatedly joins the fray and spoils the mood.

“Oi, I’d say get a room, but I’m here to fucking party.”

It’s Cool Chris. She’s cool, so Chris doesn’t even really mind the interruption.

Eva is laughing while simultaneously glaring daggers at her friend from across the room and trying to be discreet about it. But they step out of the embrace eventually, though they return to their original position with Eva at his side keeping him steady and him at Eva’s side trying not to face plant from the effort of standing upright for this long.

“Then lets party,” he says with a forced cheer. The reality is that he really, really needs to sit down. Eva can tell and so can William who walks back over while the rest of the room breaks into a round of cheers.

“C’mon,” Eva beckons him to the sofa where the rest of the girls are sitting around; Sana is as usual surveying everyone around her through a critical eye, though when he and Eva approach, she’s the first one to get to her feet to offer her seat to him.

He plops down with a thank you that he isn’t sure made it past the part of his brain that thinks of things to say to the part of his body that actually says the words.

“No problem,” Sana says which confirms that he had indeed said the words aloud.

“So, how are you enjoying the party?” it’s Eva’s chipper blonde friend asking from beside him.

“It’s…very lively,” he says.

“I mean, I know it’s not the usual Penetrator type party, especially when Christmas party time is pretty much over and there aren’t that many girls here and there’s no actual alcohol, but it’s just friends here having a good time, isn’t that just the cosiest?” she says as more of a statement than a question requiring an answer, and after he manged to decipher what she actually said, he really can’t find anything wrong in what she said.

“It is very cosy,” he says with a small smile and her face just lights up at his reply. “Also what do you mean there’s no actual alcohol?”

“Uh—well, it was Eva’s rule and William agreed.”

Chris immediately snaps his attention towards Eva. “A party without alcohol? Girl, I thought I knew you.”

That immediately breaks Eva out of the shell of silence she’d gotten trapped in after their unexpected declaration of love earlier. “Excuse me? Need I remind you that that was the doctors’ orders? I thought it’d be easier on you if we all went without alcohol for this one night.”

He was about to say something to that, though even he wasn’t sure what dumb thing was about to come out of his mouth when he opened it to reply, but he’s saved by a friendly grasp on his shoulder and Erik’s familiar voice sounding from somewhere behind him. “Bro, the things we do for you. I don’t think I’ve ever been legitimately sober at a party before in my life.”

“Ringing in the incoming New Year with a lot of firsts I guess,” Borkis says; a deep statement made much less impactful by the fact that he’s currently wearing sunglasses indoors—at night, before he hauls Erik by the elbow and they both stumble away chuckling at something Erik had said.

“We do have eggnog though,” Vilde says like a consolation prize.

“Yippee.”

“Ignore him,” Eva says, addressing her friends, looking much more like the Eva he’s used to seeing with the excess of colour now clear from her cheek. “I’m going to go get us some eggnog,” she says to him directly. “You can drink it or you can not drink it, it’s up to you.”

“I’ll drink whatever you give me, dear,” he says with a wink, causing the blush to return to Eva’s cheeks before she hurriedly rushes off, a grinning Vilde following close behind.

Cool Chris who had been uncharacteristically quiet through the whole exchange gets to her feet. “Chris,” she says with a nod.

“Chris,” he acknowledges with a nod in return.

And then she too trudges off after Eva and Vilde. With Noora still glued to William’s side somewhere in the midst of the party, he’s left alone with Sana studying him critically from the single seater sofa to his right.

“So…” he starts, trailing off into awkwardness soon after. “Not here for the eggnog?”

“Not a fan,” she says simply and straight to the point.

“O-kay,” he says.

“You know what I’m even less of a fan of?”

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“People who hurt my friends,” she says, her face the epitome of calm serenity.

Chris is torn between feeling happy that Eva obviously has a group of friends that love her just as much as she loved them and feeling really fucking intimidated, because frankly, he’s feeling both at the moment. “I won’t,” he says. “Or rather, I don’t want to.”

Sana seems to consider his answer but at the end, she actually smiles, and Chris releases the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding.

“Good. I’ll keep you to your word.”

“What about you?” Chris finds himself asking. “Do you have anyone that your friends need to make thinly veiled threats against?”

“No.”

Her answer comes way too quick and way too dismissive.

Chris finds himself grinning. “You do,” he teases, a feeling of pride swells up inside him when he sees Sana looking actually flustered for the first time ever. He didn’t think that was even possible.

“What’s his name? Do you friends know him—or, do your friends even know?”

“Shut up.”

“Damn, that’s pretty cold.” He finds himself actually laughing at her reaction.

“What’s cold?” he hears Eva’s voice asking, turning just in time to see her approaching with two small round glasses in hand.

“The weather,” he says at the same time he hears Sana’s voice saying, “Nothing.”

Eva looks strangely between the two of them but before she can bring up any of the questions that obviously floating around in her head, he finds himself on his feet faster than he thought was possible for him given his current pitiful state.

“Come on, let’s go look at the tree.” He drags her off, her gaze still glancing between him and Sana who is pointedly looking away before she can even voice her objection.

They pass by three Penetrators, two cheery Merry Christmas wishes and a hilariously big mistletoe hanging off a dude’s silver legging covered junk before they actually reach their destination. The tree is even more eclectic looking up close and there are way more handmade sex toys hanging off it than Chris initially thought.

“I made this one,” Eva points out a small golden Christmas tree hanging innocuously in the side.

“Cute. Who made the uh—the—” he motions to the erect pink penis decorating the tree top like a silent protector with his thumb.

Eva nearly face palms though she’s snickering. “Chris made that,” she says. “I don’t know what it is with Chris’ and sex. It’s like there’s a direct correlation between sex and all their other interests.”  

Chris laughs at that. “I don’t know what you mean. Also, I knew there was reason I liked her,” he says, feeling his tongue subconsciously find the outer corner of his lips through his grin. It’s something he does involuntary whenever he feels the most comfortable.

“I like when you do that,” Eva says, eliciting a questioning ‘huh’ from him. “The tongue thing; I like it when you do it. I think it’s a little hot.”

Chris’ grin widens. “You think it’s hot?” he asks, feeling a distinct sense of déjà vu about the exchange. It’s pleasant and nice, made even better by his present company and the relaxed chatter going on around him. “I guess you really do just like me for my body.”

“Damn, I guess I’ve been found out.”

“Speaking of body—”

“I swear Chris, I will hit you.”

“Okay, okay. Girls are just so violent nowadays.”

They continue looking at the tree in silence for a rather hilariously long time. The more Chris studies it though the more little things and new details he starts to notice, such as the suspicious looking decorated condom hanging almost right at the very back, like someone adamantly wanted that thing there but didn’t want to be too obvious about it.

“Did you make that one too?” he asks, pointing a finger at the rather vulgar decoration hiding among the pine needles.

Eva squints a little to look at what he’s pointing at and when she finally notices it, she lets out exasperated groan and a shout of “Eskild!” that’s heard even over the music and the all conversations happening.

But Eskild doesn’t seem ruffled in the slightest by her tone. He continues on shaking his money-maker to the music that so obviously didn’t fit the style of dance he’s going for; the mistletoe now hanging from the back of his pants moving in an almost hypnotizing manner with the sway of his hips.

“I swear that guy has no shame.”

“Well I can see how you’re both friends then.”

Eva elbows him once in the arm, but they’re both smiling light heartedly.

“Also if I have to keep holding onto these two cups of eggnog any longer I’m going to start charging a fee.” He’s about to reach over to grab one of the cups when she pulls it away, her face slightly more serious than it was two seconds ago. “Let’s have a seat first. I’m getting a little tired from having to stand here holding these two heavy cups by myself,” she says.

Chris knows she’s just doing a really bad job at covering up her actual concern and the fact that she wants to go sit down has everything to do with him looking like he’s about to keel over at any minute. Truthfully, he wasn’t even feeling that badly until he just thought about it. It felt like gravity was trying its hardest to pull his insides down into his left knee.

They find William lounging on the sofa when they get back, his legs crossed at the knee and an arm slung over Noora’s shoulder, currently involved in a seemingly deep conversation with Sana who’s still occupying the single seater sofa like it’s her own throne.

“But seriously, what would one person need with eight pallets of toilet paper?” he hears William ask when they get closer.

“I don’t know. Did you think I asked? Maybe he jerks off a lot,” Sana says, talking to William with a tone one usually reserved for petulant two year olds who won’t stop asking dumb questions.

The undoubtedly thrilling conversation halts when they walk up, and William who notices their approach first immediately gets to his feet.

“You okay?” he asks right of the bat.

“Yes, I’m okay. Would you please stop asking me that? I’m not about to keel over at any moment you know. It’s getting annoying.”

“Chris,” William chides gently and Chris folds like paper.

“Fine. I need to sit down,” he says and that’s about as much weakness about how terrible he’s currently feeling at the moment as he’s willing to admit.

William immediately moves to give him room to pass and Noora scoots over to the edge of the three seater to make space for him and Eva.

The moment his butt drops onto the soft cushion he tries not to moan with relief. Who knew being upright could be so exhausting. Being injured is both exhausting and annoying. Being injured with four people looking on worriedly at him is even more exhausting and annoying.

“Enough,” he orders. “Fine, I admit I’m still not a hundred percent, but all of you hovering and treating me with kid gloves isn’t helping any, so stop it.” He leans back into the backrest of the sofa and flings an arm out to cover his eyes.

He can feel the tension in the silence that ensues. The seat beside him dips slightly and he smells the gentle waft of Eva’s shampoo as she leans in close to him, a hand rubbing his thigh in a comforting manner.

“I’m sorry,” he hears William say, there’s regret in his voice and a feeling of guilt bubbles up inside him. “I didn’t realize we were doing that. We’re just worried about you.”

Chris exhales once and removes his arm, sitting up straighter to address William, who’s now perched on the arm rest beside him. “I know. I’m sorry too. I’m just—tired of everyone tip-toeing around me. What happened sucks, but it isn’t like I’m just going to suddenly drop dead. But every time someone starts fussing I kind of feel like I am. I just want everyone to be—normal.”

“Okay,” William agrees, reaching over to place his hand on Chris’ shoulder.

“So anyway, the toilet paper guy,” Sana says suddenly, attracting all the attention back to her. “He’s either a serial masturbator, or he’s leaving them scattered around the house in a planned madness sort of way in case of an alien invasion.”

“Sana,” Noora chides through a chuckle.

“I thought Muslim girls were supposed to be demure and soft-spoken,” William says though he isn’t unamused by her comment.

Sana rolls her eyes and scoffs. “You should get out more, William. The world extends much further than the length of your undoubtedly overpriced bed.”

Everyone laughs out loud at that, even William.

Chris spares Sana an appreciative nod for the change of subject that is discretely reciprocated and the atmosphere around them is much more relaxed after that.

“Chris,” Eva calls him suddenly when the conversation trails off to a different subject between Sana and William that Chris can’t be bothered to concentrate on. “I was wondering, if—uh, if, when you’re free—or if you want to anyway…that we could—if you want—we could have dinner maybe, sometime, at my house when my mom’s home?”

Chris sits up straighter at that. He must have been high because it sounded like Eva just implied that she wanted to invite him to dinner and introduce him to her mom. It was the first offer of its kind that he thinks he’s ever received.

It’s…touching.

She stutters out quickly when he doesn’t answer for a second too long; “I mean, if you don’t want to it’s totally fine. I know we’re just—”

“Eva,” he interrupts her mid stutter. “I’d love to,” he says earnestly.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Really.”

“Good. I mean, great. My mom’s always busy so I don’t know when she’ll actually be around though.”

“It’s fine, just tell me whenever, and I’ll be there.”

“Great,” she says with a wide smile that immediately brightens up her whole face.

Chris finds himself unable to look away because it’s like he just realized how beautiful she really is. He’s always found her pretty, but nowadays he thinks that she’s even more than that. She just takes his breath away every time.

“You wanna hear something funny?” William asks after it becomes apparent that his conversation with Sana had ended a while ago and that the three of them have been eavesdropping on their conversation the whole time. “I’ve actually already been introduced to Eva’s mom.”

“What?” Eva exclaims confusedly while Chris can only raise his eyebrows in surprise.

“Yeah. When I came over to pick up—umm, you know who for—you know...”

“Shit,” Eva grins. “I completely forgot. Remember Noora, when you guys snuck out of my room drunk off your ass that time when Vilde…you know.”

Noora laughs a boisterous laugh when she recalls the exact memory. “Oh my god, I remember.”

“Am I missing something?” Sana asks, looking to Chris for an explanation but getting only a similarly confused shrug in return.

“Yeah, same here,” he says.

“You weren’t there Sana,” Noora says. “Basically Vilde was in preparation to sacrifice her virginity to our dear William here—”

“Anyway!” William interrupts quickly. “I met Eva’s mom at the door and we were introduced. It wasn’t all that funny or all that long. Let’s move on.”

“No, no, no,” Chris objects with a raised hand. “I’m still intrigued.” From the chair to his right he hears Sana’s supportive, “As am I.”

“I’m with William on this one,” Eva says. “That was really all there was. By the way, my mom said you were handsome enough for an average looking guy,” she says with a shrug at William and a not at all apologetic smirk. “Sorry.”

Noora bursts out into laughter and William actually looks genuinely hurt by her words, but Chris finds the whole thing too hilarious to even think about comforting his friend. Even Sana is laughing and Chris can’t help but look around at this unlikely group of people he somehow found himself smack dab in the middle of;

The most amazing girl he’s ever met on his arm; snuggled against his side though her attention is on Noora beside her clutching onto her arm and burrowing her face in her shoulder in laughter. At the unlikeliest of allies he ever thought he’d find sitting just a few feet away; her headscarf, a piece of clothing he’d found so intimidating before, but right now he didn’t even see it past the wide dimpled smile she was wearing as an even more apparent accessory.

He looks at the various people spread out across his living room; familiar Penetrators friends and the guys like Isak and Jonas (despite their rather rocky history) that he’d truthfully grown to like over the course of the last year or so. He looks at the girls that he isn’t really all that familiar with, but the fact that they’re here now, immediately put them on Chris’ good side, and at Cool Chris who is truthfully one of the coolest people he knows.

Finally he looks at William at his side; for the first time it truly felt like he had William at his side instead of him constantly being at Williams side. His best friend, his bro; his family. Maybe even more important to him than his own flesh and blood because William has always been there for him. Sure sometimes he gets side tracked by other shiny things, but Chris never holds it against him for long; he really can’t, because William is one of the best things that’s ever happened to him.

Lastly, he looks at the gorgeous, amazing girl at his other side. He wonders how he managed to find himself in this position with the girl he doesn’t think he really deserves, the best friend he considers more important than life itself and all the people who have somehow broken through his impenetrable wall and made themselves completely at home in his tiny metaphorical and literal apartment. At that moment he thinks he really is the luckiest person in the world.

Family isn’t just the people you came from or the people who share the same blood. Family can be people who come into your life and just stay, through the problems and the drama and the heartache and the fights. Family are people who have your back and pull you up off the ground when you can’t seem to muster up the strength to do it yourself. Family can be just a collection of people that you allowed in when it was hard letting other people see how broken you really were on the inside. It doesn’t make it any less precious or any less important, it just makes it a family that you chose for yourself.

Without warning, he grabs Eva by the shoulder and kisses her once and passionately right on the mouth.

Eve is flustered when he pulls back and everyone else can just look on gobsmacked but to Chris, things have never felt more right.

A/N: Finally made it to the very end. This story has been an absolute pleasure to write and while I’m happy to have completed it, there’s also a bittersweet sense that comes along with it. It’s been such an amazing time fleshing out these characters that I love and trying to do justice to this pairing that I love so much and I truly hope I succeeded in doing that. Especially with this chapter, because all the Chris/Eva in this chapter is a long time coming. Slow burn indeed.

A huge thank you to all the people who have followed this story loyally and been patient with me and my irregular updating schedule. Especially to the people who have left such nice comments and written such nice tags about this story on here and on ao3 and the people who have sent me asks about this story and to let me know how much they like it, I really appreciate it a whole lot.

This chapter is dedicated to one of the women of my life, @hikaru9 and the new amazing friend I made on this site because of this story @imyourliquor-youremypoison

The small chill that runs through his spine at the mention couldn’t be faked. William really didn’t know all that much about Noora’s friends, but one thing the Penetrators all agree on is that the Muslim girl is absolutely terrifying—and pretty hot, but with a much larger ratio of scary to hot. Vilde is clingy and a little needy, not that William would actually say those words out loud especially in front of Noora. He’d grown fond of his nuts and he intended for that relationship to last a lifetime, something that wasn’t guaranteed if he insulted Vilde in front of Noora again. He really doesn’t know their Chris at all besides the fact that his Chris seemed to like her a lot.

He was rather confused about that unexpected friendship in the beginning. He and Chris and a couple of guys were headed to the canteen during lunch when they passed by the blonde girl and her chubby friend in the hall. He didn’t know Vilde back then, so the sight of the two girls standing in the hallway really didn’t concern him at all. But Chris had raised a hand in greeting and said, “Hey, Chris.”

And one of the girls mimicked the action with a chipper, “Hey yourself, Chris,” with a wide smile.

They both shared a crisp high-five before he and Chris continued on their way and the two girls returned to whatever conversation they were having.

His immediate reaction had been a surprised, “What the hell, man?”

But Chris just grinned one of his Cheshire cat grins and said, “She’s cool.” And that had been that.

It wasn’t until months later after Chris got with Eva at the Halloween party and the news had gotten out and Iben threw a bitch fit in the courtyard of the school that William finally found out about the Adventures of Chris and Chris, as he’d put it.

Girls were so fucking complicated.

But looking at himself in that moment, smelling the sweet scent of Noora’s shampoo when he rests his chin on the top of her head, he thinks that old William was such a fucking asshole. He’s pretty sure Noora and ninety percent of the Nissen girls can and would be more than happy to attest to that.

Old William was more than happy to take whatever those girls were offering and accept everything they were putting out. He never asked for any of it, but they offered, so what hot blooded young man wouldn’t take advantage of that if they were in his shoes? He was young and he was horny and he didn’t need to explain himself to anyone; not his parents, not the school—it was his life and he was going to live it the way he wanted. He knew first-hand how short it could be and how everything could just change in a split second without warning. He made a promise to himself long ago to never live in the past or to dwell on what was already in the past.

He slept with girls and whenever it was done, it was in the past and he moved on to other girls and better things. It was an uncomplicated time and sex was an uncomplicated outlet. Girls wanted what he could give them so he gave it.

Vilde was the same; the same pretty face, same overeager desperation and lack of any real self-respect.

Looking back on it now, William realizes that the only one who lacked self-respect back then was him.

But then this blonde girl happened; her and her blood red lipstick walked up to him in a way no other girl had ever stepped up to him before. She cut him down a peg or two right in front of his friends, her friends and half the school and in that moment after she finished, William just couldn’t focus his attention on anything other than the fact that this was the most beautiful girl he’d ever laid eyes on.

She also didn’t want him which made him want her more.

William was used to getting what he wanted. His parents gave him nothing but bought him everything. Nikolai was—Nikolai was and is a dirt speck in his life. He loved his brother but he also hated him and feared him at the same time.

After far as he’s concerned, the only brother he really has is Chris and the Penetrators; they’re the only family he really needs because they were the only people who were there for him when he needed them the most.

Chris in particular is both a bright spot and a sore spot for William. A bright spot because Chris is his oldest and closest friend; the person William could count on at any time under any circumstances to have his back and be a shoulder to lean on. He’s also a sore spot because William never seemed to have his back in return. Every time Chris had gotten hurt it had been because of William. William was always starting fights and egging people on even when it wasn’t his intention and Chris was always there backing him up even when the fight had nothing to do with him. Even when it had to do with William’s own family because Chris couldn’t stand Nikolai even though they’d only ever met once.

William had asked him once why, and Chris had said that it was because he didn’t like the way Nikolai’s presence affected William; the way it would make William put up his walls and just shut down emotionally; the way it turned William into a different, almost an unrecognizable person. A person Chris really didn’t like. Up until that point, William didn’t even realize that he’d been doing it.

Chris was almost always over at his apartment, he hated being at his own because he hated looking around at his things and seeing his parents presence in everything he owned, but he’d avoid it like the plague whenever Nikolai had one of his episodes and would pop on over without warning like he owned the place. William hated when he did that; the apartment didn’t belong solely to him, but it had become his home and it felt like Nikolai tainted the place bit by bit with his presence every single time he came. It was also the unsettling feeling that his brother could just sense whenever William was at his happiest and would chose that exact moment to come.

Thoughts of his brother always made him angry but especially now; especially after what he did too Noora. He tries not to dwell on it; it was part of the past, and he learned long ago to leave the past exactly where it was. Nothing could change what happened, and nothing could bring his little sister back.

But sometimes he just gets so enraged, even in his vision he starts seeing red and whenever his anger reached that point, he thinks that if Nikolai were in front of him at that exact moment then he probably would be able to bring himself to kill his own brother. It wasn’t a thought normal people had, but maybe William wasn’t normal after all. Maybe he was a freak like everyone said he was. Maybe he was like his brother after all and that craziness did run in their family.

But he thinks of Noora in those instances; seeing her disappointed face and watching her cry because of him. He should be the one drying her tears, not the one causing them. Truthfully, that’s the only reason he manages to hold himself back even on the days where his anger threatens to consume him. When he remembers Noora’s silence and her distance and finding out that she’d locked herself away in her room for days, not eating, not sleeping. He remembers that and he feels his anger coursing through his body like he’s experiencing everything for the first time all over again.

The emotions and the memories might have been too real and to raw in that moment, William feels himself tensing up on the inside, his fist clenching subconsciously until a pair of small, soft hands reaches over to take his clenched fist and hold it tight in their grasp. He looks down and finds Noora’s gorgeous eyes staring back up at him worriedly. In that moment, he finds his breath caught in his chest and he feels like he’s experiencing the feeling of falling in love with her all over again.

“William,” Noora calls his name softly. “Are you okay?”

Smiling never used to come easy to him; the only person who could really make him smile in the past was Chris, especially when he got into one of his moods and started overdramatically enunciating some poor English word. But smiling around Noora, smiling because of Noora comes almost second nature now. He likes it. He likes the person he is around her because as confident as he’d been to everyone else, the truth was he hated the person he used to be. But at the time that was all he had, he was all he had and old William protected him when no one else was around to do so.

Chris would have, but Chris also had his own family troubles and William would never ask more of him especially because Chris was already willing to give him everything.

“I’m okay,” he says, sparing her a small smile. “Just—thinking.”

“Well don’t hurt yourself too much,” Noora says and he can’t help it, he bursts out into laughter.

Noora always knows the best way to ground him, especially when he feels himself starting to shoulder every little slight and every little mistake; watching it play over and over again in his mind and he can’t do anything to stop himself from doing so. He appreciates it more than he let on.

“I won’t,” he says in reply.

“Thinking about Chris?” Noora asks after a moment, reclaiming her spot curled comfortably into his side, her hands still holding his now unclenched fist tightly, tracing circles and indistinct patterns into the back of his knuckles.

“Among other things.”

“You really love him, don’t you?” Noora asks and it doesn’t come across at all condescending, only as a matter of factly and slightly curious.

William gives his words a thought before he answers the question. “Chris is—Chris. He’s been there for me when no one else was. He’s had my back since we were kids and even against Nik—” he stops abruptly, realizing that saying the name might not be the most appropriate line of conversation at this moment, not that it ever would be, for Noora and him both. “He’s just…really important to me. Just like you are.”

Noora is silent after he finishes speaking. But the silence isn’t tense or uncomfortable, just thoughtful. “You know, I hated you before.”

"Wow, I am shocked,” William says with the most deadpan tone he could muster.

Noora smacks him gently on the chest with the back of her hand but she has a smile on her face. “I’m being serious right now, so can you actually grow up for like two minutes.”

William pulls up the sleeve of his jacket immediately and looks at his watch. “Okay. You have two minutes.”

“God, you’re incorrigible. Why am I with you again?”

“Because I’m a good lay?”

“William!” Noora pulls out of the embrace with a flustered yelp. “Seriously. Don’t make me demote you back to Wilhelm.”

William holds his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Your two minutes have been reset, milady.”

Noora huffs, but resumes her position clinging onto his torso and resting her head on his shoulder. “Even before everything, I respected your friendship with him,” she says after a moment and it immediately sobers William up. “Even when I didn’t agree with you or what you did or the way you reacted with your actions and not your head. I realized—or rather, Sana made me realize that maybe I wasn’t all right and you weren’t all wrong. Maybe sometimes we do things for the people we love, even though it isn’t the right thing to do in hindsight. Sana made me realize that maybe, and that’s a small maybe—teensy maybe—that sometimes the wrong thing done for the right reasons can maybe be the right thing after all.”

William is silent when Noora finishes.  He honestly expected her to say a lot of things, because Noora usually had a lot of things to say, but he hadn’t been expecting that. “Sana is very smart,” he says finally.

“She is very. I guess we should thank her too, because we probably wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for her.”

“Well I guess I should send her a bouquet of flowers.”

“I’m pretty sure you need to send her more than that; maybe a Russ bus, because that would make Vilde super happy too, and both of us kind of owe her a lot as well.”

William laughs but he can almost hear the sound of the cogwheels turning inside his brain. “Maybe I will,” he says.

Noora’s attention snaps towards him when he says that. “I was just kidding.”

But when William has something on his mind, it stays on his mind. “Perhaps,” he says cryptically. “Also, wasn’t that the quote from the end of Pirates of the Caribbean? The one with Governor Swan an—”

He’s rewarded with another smack on the chest before he can finish and can only laugh cheekily as he attempts to shield himself from any further attack from Noora’s small fists. Eventually the laughter dies down and Noora ceases her onslaught and William gently pries himself from Noora’s side to get to his feet, stretching the kinks out of his joints before holding a hand out to her like an invitation.

“Shall we take a walk?”

“I’m serious about the Russ bus thing, William. I was just kidding,” Noora says exasperatedly, although she really should know William better than that at this point.

William pointedly ignored the statement. “Well if you don’t want to,” he says instead with a mock shrug. “I guess I’ll find one the eager nurses who’s been staring at me nonstop for the past couple of days to walk with me instead,” he says while taking his time to turn around, keeping a his eye and the mocking grin on Noora the whole time.

“You’re such an asshole, Wilhelm,” Noora says, but there’s no bite to her words and she’s smiling when she hops to her feet and reaches over to link her arm around the elbow William is now offering her.

“But I’m your asshole, Noora Amalie Sætre, and like it or not, you’re stuck with me,” he says. He can almost feel Eva’s disembodied presence at his side chiding him mentally until he says the word; “Here.”

Noora just stares at him with wide eyes that speak so much in that moment. “So you’re staying? For real this time?”

The hurt in Noora’s voice when she says the last part hurts him, and he regrets having put her through so much on top of everything else she’s already been through. He thinks he needs to send Eva a nice bouquet of flowers (or a Russ bus) as well for kicking his sorry ass into gear.

“I couldn’t think of a better place to be other than right here and right now,” he says. “With you.”

Noora’s smile in that moment is blinding and William thinks that this is the best decision he’s made in a long time.

Girls really aren’t as complicated as guys like to make them out to be. The only thing they really want is to be loved wholeheartedly and unconditionally and to no be lied to. It’s just guys who are usually too stupid to realize when they’re thinking with their head instead of their head. Guys don’t deserve girls, just like he doesn’t really deserve Noora.

When he thinks about it more deeply, he realizes that he doesn’t really deserve Chris either.

He’s been a shit friend to Chris for a long time and he didn’t even realize it until now; until he almost lost him for good. As good a boyfriend as he’d been to Noora, a worse friend he’d become to Chris who really didn’t deserve to be treated the way William had been treating him the past couple of months; leaving him behind with barely a notice; expecting him to be there waiting for whenever and if ever William decided to come back. Picking up the phone to call whenever he felt like it fully expecting Chris to be at the other end of the line waiting and not once taking into account his feelings in all this.

The guys had all been weepy and shit at the airport when he was flying out to London; a fact that had become the butt of many jokes from that point on, but William had been too oblivious back then, blinded by his excitement and his happiness at having Noora there by his side to really notice how quiet and reserved Chris had been through the whole thing. Once—just once, he asked Chris if he was okay, but the question hadn’t even been all that sincere. Chris noticed it. He didn’t. Chris had just answered with a casual, “It’s all good, man,” and his easy grin and William just accepted the answer at face value.

William had been too stupid and too blinded back then to realize that nothing was good about Chris at all.

It took months before it even occurred to him that maybe Chris was hurt by him leaving. He comforted himself with excuse that Chris knew of his plans to move to London after school anyway, and he’d been okay with it. Obviously he hadn’t been okay with it at all and it only really occurred to William after that phone call on the day of the attack.

Needless to say, William felt like the worst friend in the history of friends.

He’d spent the whole flight from London thinking and rethinking about Chris; going over the conversation they’d had just hours before; him making jokes and Chris as usual taking it in his stride. Then flashing back to that phone call, the one that has set everything in motion. Chris hadn’t said a word and it was the most terrifying thing he’d ever done.

It really wasn’t until he was on that flight, cut off from all communications, not knowing where his friend was or if he was okay, that he truly realized what gigantic piece of shit he really was. But the most important matter on hand was the fact that Chris was in trouble and William needed to be there for him.

He’d gone over the earlier conversation over and over in his mind for hours, thinking and analysing every single word Chris had said; the almost dismissive tone in his voice and the hurt that he only realized was there when it was obviously already too late to fix.

Chris was hurt because of him. Chris always got hurt because of him. He hurt Chris more than he was his friend and William realized that he didn’t deserve Chris’ friendship at all.

They’re walking down the pebble path between the trees in the garden; the sun is shining brightly overhead and the rays feel warm against his skin.

They’re walking.

Until they’re not.

William didn’t realize they’d stopped until he feels Noora pull away from his side, stepping around his front and pulling him with both arms against her chest, only then did he realize he had warm tears streaming down his face.

He was okay. Chris was okay and everything was fine.

But it really wasn’t fine. He’d hurt his friend so badly and then almost lost him without ever getting the chance to say sorry. It truly just occurred to him right then that Chris almost died. He almost died, and there would have been absolutely nothing William could have done to fix it. He almost lost the best thing he had in his life, the best friend he could ever have asked for and the only person in his life who’d never let him down.

Chris almost died alone and in agony, thinking his best friend had abandoned him for a new country and he wouldn’t have been wrong in his thoughts.

He wasn’t thinking about Chris, he was thinking only about himself and his wants and his needs. He only used Chris’ name to justify his anger when it was obvious to everyone that their friendship seemed more important to Chris that it was to him when that fact couldn’t have been further from the truth.

He should have done better. He should have been better; a better person and a better friend, a friend Chris deserved.

“It’s my fault,” he hears himself saying, burying his face in the crook of Noora’s shoulder. “Everyone tells me it isn’t, but it is. It’s my fault he’s hurt, it’s my fault he almost died. He doesn’t blame me and every time he says that the more I realize that I never did anything to earn his friendship.”

He feels Noora rubbing the spot between his shoulder blades and it’s a comfort he doesn’t deserve.

“That’s not true and you know it,” Noora says.

“It’s true. I couldn’t protect Chris from getting hurt over and over again. I couldn’t protect you from Nikolai. I couldn’t protect my little sister. I can’t do anything for anyone who matters to me. I don’t deserve your friendships or your love. I don’t deserve any of you.”

“No, William,” he feels Noora dislodging herself, taking a step back and grasping his firmly by the shoulder, pushing his back slightly to be able to look him in the eye. “I can’t speak for your family or for Chris, but I can speak for myself. What happened with your brother, that’s on him. You had nothing to do with it and you’re not responsible for any of it. Okay? He did what he did because he’s sick and I should have listened to you and trusted you when you told me not to trust anything he said. But I was hurt, and he took advantage of that. What happened isn’t on me or on you. I want you to know that, okay? I want you to trust me this time.”

William can’t bring himself to meet Noora’s eyes but he hears her words; he hears it with more than his head even though his heart is still struggling to accept everything she said. But she’d earned that, he at least owed it to her to listen and to trust her because they’ve both been through so much together already.

“And what happened with Chris—it just happened, William. The most important thing is just to be there for him now. What happened in the past can’t be changed; the only thing you can do is just be better in the future.”

William is momentarily taken aback by her words. It was as if she picked the thought straight from his brain.

His eyes are still damp but the trickling tears were ceasing. He tries to focus his eyes on Noora. On her eyes, unlike any colour or shape he’d ever seen in his life. On her hair; so blonde and so soft and William briefly recalls of the feel of the strands running through his fingers; stroking it and caressing it gently when it was the other way around and Noora was the one needing his comfort and his embrace. He looks at her face, so beautiful and so kind and gentle and always open with whatever emotion she was feeling.

Worry, nearly completely cloaked by steely determination; that’s what she’s feeling right now. And William tries grasp on to some of that strength for himself.

“Okay?” she asks finally with a small smile, reaching up to brush the last tear pooling in the corner of his eye away with her thumb.

“Okay,” he replies. He can’t find it in him to reciprocate the smile but he hopes his eyes manage to convey the truthfulness of his word.

“Good,” Noora says, she smile widening a fraction more before her hands trail down the length of William’s arms to hold his hands in both of hers. “Should we continue on our walk? I think I see one of those nurses you were talking about.”

This time it does manage to dredge up a smile and a small chuckle from William, who pulls a hand out of Noora’s to reach up and rub the tear tracks on his face. Noora lets him have a moment to compose himself before returning to her original spot at his side, snaking her arm around his waist and pulling his across her shoulder, holding it there with a firm grasp on his hand.

They continue the rest of their walk in silence after that.

William’s mind is a mess of guilt on top of guilt and Noora’s comforting voice echoing inside his head trying to push all the guilty feelings into the abyss, and flashback of Chris and him playing in playground when they were younger; fighting with other kids, getting beaten up, having a good laugh; all happening simultaneously in flashes that are almost too hard to concentrate on. All the broken bones and the black eyes and the bumps and bruises; joking about it after, sometimes through tears. No one else there to comfort them besides each other.

Chris always had his back and it was time William held up his end of the friendship.

Chris is asleep when they get back to the room and so is Eva. She’s curled up against his side on a miniscule amount of space on the bed, her hands tucked comfortably under her chin and head being pillowed on Chris’ shoulder. Chris face is turned towards Eva, almost burrowed in the head of brown hair by his cheek and the arm Eva is sleeping on is reaching back up to wrap around her side, holding her close.

It’s an intimate moment that neither William nor Noora think they have a right in infringe on so instead they step back out into the hallway and take a seat side by side in the row of chairs arranged by the wall.

“I really hope things work out between them,” Noora says, though she isn’t looking at William when she says it.

William can hear the unspoken meaning behind her words though. ‘Between us’ is what she’s actually saying, because if Chris and Eva of all people could somehow find a way to make it work after everything that’s happened between them, then there might be a chance for them as well.

Noora is a realist. William could tell from the first moment they met, and maybe their relationship did seem a little too ‘fairy-tale ending’ than she was really comfortable with but William didn’t think it made it any less real or genuine, or that it was just something fleeting. It didn’t mean his feelings for her were in anyways fake, if anything, this was the least fake William has ever been in his life.

Right here, right now, with this woman he loves so much, William thinks that this is most true to himself he’s ever been and often times he wonders whether he actually deserves any of this; Noora, Chris, the Penetrators and all the people he’s met along the way. The selfish part of him just wants to take it all and hold on tight because he knows that a moment of weakness, the moment he lets his guard down, everything can just disappear in an instance.

It took a split second for his sister to just—be gone. He didn’t even have time to blink and with her she took all the love his parents used to have for him and Nikolai.

He left his friends for just one night and they were attacked.

He turned his back and Noora left him and ran away back to Oslo.

It only took a moment for years’ worth of friendship to almost end in an instance.

Everyone always ends up leaving him and he promised himself a long time ago that he’d never put himself in the position to be left behind anymore.

But then Chris pushed his way through the fold, then the guys, then Noora and William couldn’t find it in him to hold up the barriers he’d painstakingly built around him any longer. It was the best decision he ever made in his life. It also meant that he was opening himself up to be hurt all over again, but he thinks that it had been a worthy price to pay for what he’d gotten in return:

Chris friendship, the guys’ loyalty and Noora’s love.

“Have you two talked?” he hears Noora’s voice punching through the cloud in his mind as he comes back down to the present.

“Yeah. We’ve talked,” he says.

“No, I mean have you two talked? Like really talked, about everything?”

William doesn’t really understand what she means, but there’s that steely determination in her eyes again and he knows that he’s about to get schooled.

“Like—you know, what happened between us in London. That was just—uh, things moving too quickly. Not in the relationship, but in everything else. London isn’t my home; the only person I have there is you. No Eva, no Sana or Chris or Vilde. I had nothing in London besides you and it felt like I’d lost a part of myself almost. You have your dad at least and your job there. I just wasn’t keen on playing the little wifey living in an unfamiliar country with no family and no friends.”

Once again William interprets the ‘Chris’ in Noora’s story as a representation of ‘us’.

“I get it,” William says and it is the truth; he was hurt by Noora leaving without a word but deep down he understood her side in all that.

“You do?” Noora asks. William is pleased to see that he’d managed to render her shocked for once.

“I do. I was hurt; I won’t lie, especially since you didn’t feel like you could even talk to me about it. You pulled back, when you should have just been Noora and said exactly what was on your mind. But I understood then like I understand now.” And it isn’t a lie, but William downplays how hurt he really was when he came home to discover her side of the closet empty, her suitcases missing and Noora just…gone. But he dealt with it like he deals with everything else and that was one of the reasons why it was so hard even thinking of coming back to Oslo even for Chris. The fact is, he probably wouldn’t have come back if Chris hadn’t gotten hurt because that was how hurt he really was.

But that’s all in the past now. Noora is here, Chris is here, all his friends are here and at the moment William thinks that that’s enough.

“Halloooo.” A chipper greeting catches their attention and both of them turn to see the girls approaching them from down the hall, Sana in the lead and being flanked on either side by their Chris and Vilde who are holding a bouquet of flowers and a couple of gaudy Get Well Soon balloons respectively.

“Hai, girls,” William greets as Noora pulls out of his embrace to stand as the three girls approach.

“William,” Sana replies curtly with an acknowledging nod. Her expression warms immediately when she turned to Noora and pulls her into a hug.

“Hai, William,” Vilde says the name in near reverence; an almost feline grin on her face as she brushes a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

Chris bring up the rear with a gruff, “Dude,” and mimicking Sana’s acknowledging head nod from earlier.

“How Chris?” Sana asks when she pulls away and Noora moves on to embrace both Vilde and Chris.

“He and Eva are both sleeping. That’s why we’re out here. We didn’t want to disturb them,” William answers.

Sana just accepts his answer with a thoughtful, “Hm.”

It’s bizarre how the girl could unnerve him without even really doing anything. The more William interacts with the Muslim girl, the more he understands where the other guys’ awe disguised as fear was coming from.

“That was a little while ago, so I’ll just check if they’re awake now.”

Truthfully he really just wanted to get out of there. Vilde isn’t hounding him anymore, Sana is one of Noora’s closest friends and one of the people she obviously respects the most so he really should be more at ease around her than he is, and Chris is just—well, Chris. He wonders if it has anything to do with the name because somehow no matter what gender, Chris is always just Chris.

He leaves the girls to talk about whatever is it girls talk about and steps into the hospital room without making too much noise.

Chris’ eyes are already open when he enters. He’s looking at the still sleeping Eva curled up beside him, his fingers gently running through her hair in a soothing, repetitive motion.

“Chris?” he calls out, announcing his presence in the room so he wouldn’t startle either of them.

“William?” Chris turns his attention to him immediately. His eyes are still glazed over from sleep and he looks beyond exhausted still, but there’s a spark that ignites in his eyes the moment he hears William’s voice and it’s a fact that brings out not only on a heart-warming feeling in William but also a lot of regret.

“Did I wake you?”

“Nah,” he answers simple. “I think, ironically, I woke up because my arm started falling asleep.”

William chuckles. “Yeah. Doesn’t look that comfortable.”

“I just—uh, don’t want to wake her. I don’t think she’s slept properly in days.”

William can attest to that fact. He’s pretty sure he’s slept more than Eva the entire time they’ve been at the hospital.

“You’ve got company outside. It’s Eva’s friends.”

“Really?” there’s a surprised tone to Chris voice but a small smile tugs at his lips regardless. “Is Chris here too?”

William chuckles again. “Yeah. The adventure of Chris and Chris continues,” William says. “Want me to call them in?”

“Sure.”

William is about to turn before he stops in his tracks and instead steps closer to the bed, leaning in close to almost whisper to Chris without disturbing Eva. “By the way, I think—I think we should find some time to, you know—talk. About things, about everything.”

“What things?”

Williams isn’t sure how to answer, instead he swallows once. “You know—about what happened. About me leaving you behind and you getting hurt. I think—”

“I think you’re getting a bit too weepy in your old age William,” Chris interrupts him mid-sentence with disapproving shake of his head. “We’ve talked, haven’t we? And I told you it wasn’t your fault. None of this is your fault.”

“But—”

“But nothing, William. I know your girlfriend put you up to this cause that’s the way the girls do it. They talk about their feelings and all sorts of sappy shit like that. I told you it’s fine; what happened in the past happened. Just leave it be. You’re here now and that’s the only thing that matters. Seriously, I said it’s fine then and it’s fine now. And if you don’t stop whining about it I swear I’m going to punch you in the face.”

William isn’t sure how he thought that conversation to go, but in hindsight he thinks that that’s about what he expected was going to happen.

“Okay. Message received,” he says with a smile.

“Good,” Chris says with a huff, but he has a small smile on his face too and for the first time in a while, William thinks that maybe things are going to turn our okay after all.

“Glad we had that conversation,” William says with a grin.

“Whatever, William. Next time feel free to save the touchy-feeling shit for Erik or Borkis. That seems more their style.”

“Roger that,” William says before heading over to the door to call in the girls.

By this time Eva is already slowly stirring, like a cat stretching her limbs across the length of the bed before she reaches an arm out over Chris’s upper torso and latches onto him like a koala, resting her head, eyes still unopen, on his chest.

Noora and Sana enter first with Vilde following closely and Chris bringing up the rear. The moment his Chris’ eyes fall on the Chris of their group, William can see his face brightening almost immediately.

“Hey, Chris,” he greets with a wave and a wide grin.

“Hey yourself, Chris,” she replies with a grin of her own, raising a hand up in salute.

William watches the scene unfold with a grin of his own, not noticing Noora sidling up beside him until she slides her hand into his and grasps on tight.

“Did you guys talk?”

William looks down at her and spares her a smile. “Not in the way you expected, but yeah. We did.”

“Good,” she says and both of them look back just in time to catch the last part of a secret handshake his Chris and her Chris had at one point learned to do with each other. Eva at this point is obviously only pretending to be asleep, because Vilde is tickling her ear with a handful of her own hair and Eva keeps on trying to smother the smile threatening to emerge with varying degrees of success. Sana is at the foot of the bed tying the balloons to the rail while chiding one of them for one thing or another and being completely ignored.

William looks over at Chris and the wide smile he has on his face. A smile he at one point didn’t think he’d be able to see again, so the sight is something he bookmarks in the fond part of his memories. He looks down at Noora smiling at the antics of the people in front of her and William can’t help but smother the feeling of pride that bubbles up inside him. These two people, the two most important people he has in his life. He still couldn’t believe his luck, but here they both are in front of him. Real and within touching distance, and this time William promises himself that he’ll do everything in his power to not fuck this up. No matter how difficult, how trying it may end up being, William has known loneliness and fear, and those were two feelings he didn’t want to experience again.

Noora and Chris keeps those feelings at bay, so William knows that he has to keep the two of them even closer to him. He’d almost managed to push both of them away once; in Chris case, on many occasions. But Chris is still here and Noora is still here and William promises himself that he’ll do everything he can to be here for the both of them.

tbc.